Journal - Screaming in the night air. Help emotional and technical for methadone withdrawal

[Dickon]

Let me state, pro forma, once and for all that I am a pathological lier, (or maybe I'm not (cf B. Russell and his paradox)), I can fly and everything I say henceforth on this site may or may not be true, I take the consequence of it being so (or otherwise -- except of course being asked to jump from a 23rd floor window. I lied about the flying. But you know that).

It may or may not be true that....

This is my first post, and it's not exactly that I'm inexperinced or ignorant. So I shall do a kind of brief one off intro. No, let's just say I picked up morphine and it's siblings 20 years ago or more, I've had 3 1/2 years off in those years (cleaning up first time from 200mg methadone (about a third of which was I/v, in the good ol' 50mg/1mg amps. Still got the scars, caustic shit !!!) in Clouds house (did it really belong to Aleister Crowley?) 200 (day of admission)/100(day 2)/0(day 3-day700+) with Clonodine and oh yes that included a 10 day benzo detox. I'd come off (foolishly) roughly 20-100 "full strength" 1st generation benzos (10mg Valis , 20mg Temis, 25mg Librium(Should I try to spell Chlordiazepoxide?), and (I think, surprisingly due to 1 out of 10 benzo addicts on this site who expressed a preference, expressing a preference thereto) 50mg(??) Oxazepam, which personally could have been a placebo) and fitted out after a few days in front of (now dead) "good ol' Dad"(a nice man, no sarcasm), so returned to 3-5 a day (taken before even the methadone to get me out of bed. Only an addict takes Temazepam to get out of bed in the morning. One of you out there will get it I'm sure, even if you, dear reader, don't!!!). I didn't really figure the benzos as a problem, but heck I quit for 23 months and a bit including alcohol (the N.A. way!!!) I'll not describe the w/d-s but as one picture paints a thousand words I'll let you know that in Cloud's one of the particular joys (non-sarcastic) was "relaxation", essentially a post-prandial "you're on a beautiful beach, shut your eyes...." etc.,etc., and one day lying perfectly still listening to a woman's voice (I'm not making this up, it probably could have been a man's voice !!) within 30 (I think it might have been 15) seconds had experienced 3 orgasms. OK any male Junky who's been on the circuit a while will know the one-five pull orgasm or even the rub-against-something variety, so those who understand smile !! But clonodine (alpha-2-adrenergic agonist, which in case that makes no sense to you as it never did to me (shurely shome mishtake ed. ain't that "ANT-agonist") it binds to the adrenal-receptors fooling the body that there's a lot of adrenaline floating about thus downregulating adrenalin production etc. etc.) [remind me, one day, if they let me, I must do poll of clonodine v lofexidine but with only those who've tried both allowed to vote. (for what it's worth I'm equivocal. (ok ok as you're pressing me, personally speaking clonidine is better for w/d symptomology, worse for s/effects profile))] kept me from chewing my body to pieces, or simply running screaming from the door (I had (dear ol') Mum primed with the large bottle of MST 200 continuss (where did he get it all from??? Berlin mostly. I think the health insurance companies are called Krankankasser - I was with AOK - the most primitive one - I got a card and could walk into any GP on the street, swipe my card and ask for benzos, morphine, barbs, and who knows I (~50%) got it (benzos, less chance for the MST). I was on a poulty 30mg script in the early 90s in the UK back in the days when methadone was gold-dust, but guess what in Germany meth is 5mg/ml not 1mg/ml. Day one I had to drink 30ml (150mg) and try to pass myself off as normal for a couple of hours in front of someone. Luckily this did not include the lavatory where fortunately I managed to localize the vomitting. [P.s. Ain't this life or drugs full of sexy excitement??]) and amazingly I never rang her !).)[If you're following the order of parenthesis, you're way smarter than me, and I'm simply not going to error correct here. In one instar I'm a mathematical logician, call me Dr D(smiles). Welcome to my world(bows deeply)]

time passes... (good yarns go here....)

tonight I'm sitting at home married second time round (first time was a clean kidlywink-less split when I was 25-27y.o.) with an 18 month old baby and a wife from heaven. I've reduced from ~300mg meth a day, although I started my detox from 225mg for two days with no discomfort so let's say 225mg (but think more not less), no benzos, alcohol to excess but not such that a day off or even several would cause pain, yet it/they would cause a frison of je ne sais quoi. OK (yes I'm an anal-retentive and make precise notes of these things) it went like this 225,225,215,175(ouch - forced by lack of Methadone),175(picked up script this day. Nothink to drink this day!), 165,155,145,140,135,.....(-5 per day),20(yesterday),15(today). And just in case anyone cares my script these days is 115mg/day (all oral - I've got very few veins left. And just in case you really wanted to know when I quit from 200 I was on 100mg oral/day plus 9 50mg amps/week. Pace (professionally speaking) Dr Adrian Garfoot, struck off, like so many of the doctors I've found(3 in fact)).

Right, I trust you're still with me, sorry I'm quite drunk, so it's probably me not you if you're not. But the question is what do I do now? My plan is 10mg tomorrow , 5mg day after, and that's that. I have more methadone than I need (~2000mg!), 90+ clonodine 0.1mgs, shed loads of supplements, and in the right environment when I set my mind too it I'm fuc@ing tough. I'm currently climbing the walls, chewing the carpets, losing my mind, but fighting like a rabid dog to win this dumb battle.

(Screams) {I give you} more information than you want, but far too little to help me.

(Pleads). Share your experience, strength, and/or hope please. Oh and if you're going to slate me for whatever reason, please realise I would never take kindly to anyone who abused a third party in full on withdrawal

"Tread Gently for you tread on my soul" [no doubt misquoted]

Love

Dr D.

Dickon added 15 Minutes and 25 Seconds later...

errata...

the good ol' 50mg/1mg amps : Add "days"

roughly 20-100 "full strength" 1st generation benzos : Add "per day"

could have been a placebo : Add "as far as I was concerned"

Oh and for the really attentive... as for the past in Berlin I was officially on a 150mg script, but got oodles of benzos and MST 100 and 200s, and (street) heroin should I need it. After I returned to England after my first 30mg script I got my private (Dr Garfoot) script for 150mg initially (100mg oral + 1 50mg/1ml amp per day) which was increased to ditto but 9 not 7 amps per week fairly quickly. But in those days it was fairly easy to get what you wanted down by the Cleveland Street Needle Exchange.