partner is an addict....advice please!

[raex]

I know you can't force someone to accept the fact that they are addicted to cocaine, or to admit they have a problem.....but what should you do if they tell you to your face that they don't want to stop, they do it cos they enjoy it and they work hard and deserve it?
I'm talking about my partner. He's 38, has a very well paid but sometimes stressful job, is a fantastic father to our 2 kids and in general is a great guy. However he's been taking cocaine on a regular basis for 12 years or more. By regular i mean now once or twice a week...in the past a lot more. When we first met i used to take with him when we went out, which was very often. Loads of people used to end up at our flat, all taking, and someone would always end up going to buy more in the morning....my partner would usually pay for most of it..
Since i got pregnant with our first child i have stopped taking. Over the last 3 years he has carried on....to a greater or less degree depending on the time. There have been times when he has brought people back to the house whilst i'm having breakfast with the baby, other times he hasn't come home or he has come home but is so out of it that he's been in bed all day and left me to deal with the kids alone etc. etc. Basically, he has admitted that when he goes and takes he completely forgets about everything else....basically the responsibilty he has towards me and the kids. Even if he's said he's just going for a quick beer, he'll come back at 5 in the morning, or he won't come home and his phone will be switched off. He recognises that he lies to me so that he can go out and take without me giving him a hard time. We have talked about it and we decided that he would tell me every time he bought some stuff and every time he takes (not that this is neccesary as you can tell from a mile away!) as his lying about it was becoming a habit. However, that was 4 months ago and we are spiralling down again into the same situation again and it continues to cause problems at home. I suppose the bottom line is that i want him to stop and he wants to carry on. I have questioned my motives for wanting him to stop and he has even made me doubt my stance at times but over the last couple of weeks a few things have happened to make me more resolute than ever....i want cocaine out of my life and out of my house. I want him to see that he's worth more...that he doesn't have to depend on this stuff to be funny or to interact socially with others. I have also noticed that when he takes his face changes completely....much more than it used to.... he gets a kind of sneering look...it's unattractive and disturbing....other people notice but his friends and sister are afraid to tell him (they also take by the way) as he is someone who doesn't like being told what to do. I don't want to leave him, I love him more than anything and I certainly don't want to take his kids away.....but i also don't want to leave things the way they are. I feel like I'm being forced to accept things the way they are or break up my family.....he makes me feel as if i would be breaking up our family for nothing.....aaaaaah! It's so frustrating!
I don't know what i'm asking of you guys here.....any advice or words would be gratefully reeived....feel like i'm dealing with this on my own.

[ai]

leave.

you can't make someone do something they want to do. but you can control rather or not you have to be in that situtation

you are selling yourself short. big time. you deserve better than that. way better.

[raex]

thanks for your reply ai..... i understand what you're saying but i know in my heart that leaving him isn't an option at the moment....
We are going out for dinner tomorrow to talk.... in the past our talks have either been in the early hours of the morning when he gets home or after a huge blow out when i've been really upset. This time i feel much calmer... and i get the feeling he knows that this time i'm for real. In the past we've come to arrangements like him telling me every time he takes ( i thought doing that would stop him lying to me and stop him lying to himself about how much he takes..... in fact all it did was make it alright for him to take).
I am hoping he will choose life with us as opposed to his ¨right to party¨ but i know whatever choice he makes it isn't going to be easy.... Even though he's said before that he doesn't want to stop i just can't see him saying that tomorrow..... if he does it will floor me.......then i will definately need help! Wish us luck...

[ai]

okay you aren't listening.

you arne't an addict. your BF is. you don't know how addicts think. addicts are some of the most cunning, munitplutive people on earth.

I wish you the best of luck but you are doing yourself no favors and really selling yourself short.

if he loves you, you leaving will be a wakeup call.

to recover you have to hit a bottom sufficient enough for you to recover. you aren't going to recover if you are able to skate by with everything being the same. he has to loose something for him to have any drive to want to.

[Fight Club]

It sounds as though you need to establish and agree to reasonable boundaries. Reasonable might include: not doing it more than once a month, not buying or using more than a gram at a time, not using on weeknights or other nights where he has commitments and responsibilities the next day and not bringing it into a home where young children live or are present.

You should agree in advance to the consequences if he is unable to respect those boundaries.

If he is unable to respect those boundaries and is unwilling to change or get help, then you have difficult choices to make, but can make them without feeling that you had any part in creating the problem.

FC