Slipping (relapse on heroin)

[Lisa J]

SWIM picked up again on Friday

It was one of those spur of the moment things that SWIM now regrets, it's causing her to have a right battle with herself at the moment and could very easily turn into a full blown relapse. SWIM'S taking extra methadone to try and prevent her picking up again but isn't sleeping well, struggles to eat and feels very anxious, if these problems continue she knows she'll use just to make it all go away.
SWIM'S not sure she has the strength to go through it all again and is scared to death that a relapse now would mean she gives up trying. It's not like SWIM is even really "clean" as she's prescribed fentanyl for pain and methadone for maintenance/pain relief, but heroin has such a hold on her.
Any suggestions to help SWIM stay strong?
Is SWIM right or wrong to increase her methadone to try and prevent further use and lessen cravings?

[msmogadon]

SWILisa - SWIMogadon is having a similar battle with herself right now.
SWIY may know from reading SWIMs other post SWIM was doing the 12 day meth detox. She smoked a couple of tenner bags fri & sat night on day 5&6 (20mls) of the detox. She got no rattle from this and thought she could get away with using little bits falling back on the meth. On the Tues (10mls) she got massive cravings couldn't stop thinking of it all day.
Some people say that a craving comes and goes within about 3 mins. Well SWIMs don't. Heroin was the first thing in SWIMs head when SWIM woke up and stayed there till SWIM went and scored at 4pm. SWIM bought a 20 bag had 2 hits then did the same the next day and the next until Fri came. The last day of the detox (5mls). Ended up buying meth of SWIMs dealer and have been using a bit more than planned due to having a migrane. SWIM stuck to it over the weekend to go out and work lots of hours but have relasped again today buying a 20 bag which SWIM has jagged already and then bough another tenner bag which is still sitting here.
SWIM has 50/60 mls of methadone left and needs to get clean and go through whatever SWIMs going to be dished out.
So SWILisa SWIMoggie knows what SWIYs saying. Lets SWIM this together. Keep SWIM posted
oh yeah tell SWIM what SWIY has gone through after relapsing and trying to stabilise on meth again plz

[Junket]

Definately don't give up, you can do it. If there is spur of the moment urges, busy yourself with something until the craving passes as best as possible.

One day at a time.

[blackdb1]

Swim agrees completly with Swijunket!!! Swiy CAN do it!!!

About the cravings lasting all day and the statement of cravings only last 3 minutes... Swim personally thinks 3 minutes is about how long they last however swiy can convince yourself during those 3 minutes that you need to get the drug to stop the craving STUCK in your head long after the craving. Swim believes it's possible to take that craving and make it as bad as possible, therefor subconciously telling yourself it is SO BAD that relapse is in order!??? Just a theory since swim noticed while he was hooked on oxy that if he told himself the craving would ABSOLUTELY go away and he kept busy the cravings lasted less than 10 minutes!!! However he had times where he got it in his head the cravings or withdrawal were so bad he had to use.

Swim was addicted to oxycodone for 4 and 1/2 years and durinng the last year or so was taking heroin and methadone when oxy wasn't around. He had a pretty bad habit! He was taking 40mgs 4-5 times a day the days he could obtain that much or he would take 110-120mgs of methadone first thing in the morning. He now has been on suboxone for 5 months and feels GREAT!!! He very rarely has cravings and doesn't constantly think about being a recovering opiate addict, which occured everytime swim quit cold turk!!!

Swim will keep swiy in his prayers and says if he can get off the junk ANYONE can!!! All have a great day and a wonderful evening!!! -bdb1-

[Lisa J]

SWIM hasn't picked up again yet but it's been a struggle, SWIM is confident she wont use one minute and on the verge of scoring the next. SWIM has reduced her methadone today because she doesn't want to cause a problem in that area as well, she also went to her drugs group which lightened the load for a while.
SWIM is trying to keep busy so she doesn't think about it too much, she knows a full relapse is a real possibility because she is anxious about life in general and when she's felt like that in the past she's used heroin to take it away.
SWIM hopes she can look back in a few weeks and see this as a one off little slip and not the start of a downward slide, SWIM has been pretty stable on her methadone for 10 months now so she's got to keep trying.

[Junket]

It definately sounds like swiLisa is on the right path, she recognizes her problem and is taking all the necessary steps to address it.

She just needs to fully realize that she has the ability to stop, and that heroin will only solve her problems for a short amount of time and then they will all come back worse than before. Drug use is a vicious cycle if you let it be.

She can look at this as a one time little slip and thats no problem if she moves on now.

Stay strong.

[Metomni]

SWIY CAN do this. There are no maybes, or doubts, or anything. It can, and will, be done right?

Just keep SWIY's mindset right and straight, you know what needs to be done.

Good luck friend.

[Lisa J]

SWIM used a small amount of gear today
She thinks it will be better to go back on extra methadone and cut back down when she's stable again, she would rather do that than risk a full relapse.
SWIM is fully aware of the vicious cycle of using/getting clean/relapsing, she's had 25 years of it, with one 10 year break when she was married. Unfortunately her ex drummed it into her head that she would never be able to stay clean without him and he reminded her almost daily that she was a smack head/bagger and never really let her forget what she was. SWIM thinks thats part of the reason she went back to heroin so easily, she never in all those 10 clean years felt like she wasn't an addict.
SWIM has to keep trying if only to prove her ex wrong and that she can stay clean for herself, SWIM is still fighting.

[Metomni]

Glad to hear SWIY is fighting still. Keep SWIY's head up. And remember, SWIY is more than a junkie, so prove it. No matter what the reasons were for sobriety, if it was a 10 year stretch, SWIY can do it again.

Good luck.

[Stiney]

Yeah keep strong swiLisa, and absolutely, no matter what, keep posting on here and keep going to your meetings. The worst thing you can do is keep shit like this to yourself.

And you know your ex, don't forget about that pathetic little fucker, remember that he thinks you can't stay clean and that you know you can, you clearly can, you've done it before, ten years is a long long time, if you can do that, you can do a fraction of that and stay clean for the rest of the year. I mean its nearly fucking January 09 already, the start of a brand new year, everyone in the world thinking about how they are going to make a fresh start, if you can last ten years you can last four months.

I know, believe me I know, that things might seem a little shit at the minute, but your not alone, your not unique, all of us, every person walking the Earth, feel like that from time to time. Its how you respond to the shit now, not how you would have responded in the past, thats the making of you. Just keep thinking about how in a little while, and I know it doesn't feel like it now but the time will fly by, how amazing you will feel knowing you did this, how amazing you will feel in a couple of months, a couple of years, when you run itno your ex on the street, and you're looking amazing, a new fella on your arm, a big fucking smug file on your face because you know you were right and he was wrong, and he knows it too.

Like I say, keep posting, keep going to your meetings, try to keep busy, it will pass, things always get better sooner than you ever thought they could at the time. Stay strong (you know you are), stay in touch.

Reputation Comments on this post:

good advice

[cnsns2ccl2]

No offence Lisa, but your ex sounds like a complete douchbag. Not only a douchbag but one with serious psychological issues himself. Why on earth would any stable normal person ever want to make someone feel inferior like they are a heroin addict that can't survive without them?? Seriously, think about that. What he was doing was taking advantage of your vulnerability and was probably supportive when swiy needed help. Once swiy was clean, he probably used it against swiy to remind swiy who you once were to keep swiy on a tight leash which is a form of emotional abuse really. I'm glad to hear he's your ex!! Who the hell needs to put up with that kind of shit. Imagine if the it wasn't swiy but a close family member in the depths of despair with a heroin addiction or other crisis, would you treat them that way and make them feel shitty about themselves or encourage and support them instead helping them realize their potential??

Just look at the facts, a heroin addiction is incredibly hard to kick and swiy did it for 10 years!! Who cares what swiys reasons were for stopping, whether the ex helped in making the decision to stop in the first place or not. It wasn't the douchbag who chose not to use while fighting the cravings and withdrawl was it. Believe it or not, the strength came from within. If it wasn't him, it would've been something else as swiy clearly has the desire to stay clean. So swiy relapsed, let it go and move on. Swiy is human after all and prone to make mistakes. Just learn from it. The worst thing swiy can do is obsess and don't give anymore though to the ex. Let him find his own psychiatrist (which he clearly needs). Swiy has swiy's own problems to worry about. Forget about proving him wrong, prove swiyself right! Look at it from the point of view that swiy knows what swiys problem is so swiy can deal with it. The ex is still running out there a psychological mess, probably looking for victims to manipulate, not dealing with his probs at all. Not your problem anymore.

Reputation Comments on this post:

Well spoken sir, I'm sure SWILisa will find the advice usefull.

[msmogadon]

Originally Posted by Junket

She just needs to fully realize that she has the ability to stop, and that heroin will only solve her problems for a short amount of time and then they will all come back worse than before. Drug use is a vicious cycle if you let it be.

sometimes SWIM would do anything just for feel 'OK' for a couple of hours. No matter the consequenses. Its hard to get out of that cycle

[Lisa J]

Thanks all you SWIMmers for the support, it really does help
SWIM met up with a close friend and had a good long talk about things today, he is the only person she can talk to about this and he understands so very well as he's in the same situation. SWIM did get a couple of ten bags prior to this but hasn't used and now has no urge to. SWIM feels safe knowing she has gear if she can't cope, the last 10 months clean she always had 4 bags there if required, things started to go down hill when SWIM'S drug worker finally persuaded her to get rid of those bags. SWIM'S anxiety got worse and worse and all she thought about was scoring more gear, she is scared without heroin, it's an irrational weakness she knows, she is less likely to slip if she has it than when she hasn't. Now SWIM isn't going to say she can guarantee she wont use one or both of these bags but she does know she's now much calmer, no longer feels anxious and has stopped having cravings and thinking about how, who and where she's going to score from.
SWIM can now look back on her past relationship and knows she was with a control freak, anyone who continuously calls an ex heroin addict a smack head, gear head, bagger etc and constantly says how much they despise such people obviously justs gets a kick out of making that person feel bad about themselves. SWIM is more than capable of running herself down, she knows what she is, she hates what she is, she didn't need all that shit from a bastard who would in the same breath say he loved her, SWIM don't want that sort of love SWIM gets more kindness, support and motivation from a man who is just a friend, enough said!!!.
SWIM knows it's too early to be sure she's turned the corner and will keep posting as it does help to know she's not on her own, it's been a bad year by anyone's standards with a nasty divorce and loosing a father and two grandparents, to try and deal with all that and try and stay off heroin was at times almost too much to bare.
Good luck SWImsmogadon, just hang on in there and keep fighting, you may loose a battle or two but it don't mean you can't win the war

[cnsns2ccl2]

Originally Posted by Lisa J

SWIM can now look back on her past relationship and knows she was with a control freak, anyone who continuously calls an ex heroin addict a smack head, gear head, bagger etc and constantly says how much they despise such people obviously justs gets a kick out of making that person feel bad about themselves.

Exactly Lisa, normal people just don't treat people like that! Keep talking to your good friend, a good support system goes a long way. Swim looks at benzos like swiy is looking at heroin, they're there if needed but swim can just bear it and deal with it other ways 99% of the time. When anxiety and depression become overwhelming, swim likes to get a new haircut or go shopping for new clothes because it makes it a little bit harder to feel shitty when you look great and it provides a distraction as you are on a mission. Keep up the positive thoughts and look forward rather than backwards. It'll get you a long way.

[Junket]

Originally Posted by cnsns2ccl2

Exactly Lisa, normal people just don't treat people like that! Keep talking to your good friend, a good support system goes a long way. Swim looks at benzos like swiy is looking at heroin, they're there if needed but swim can just bear it and deal with it other ways 99% of the time. When anxiety and depression become overwhelming, swim likes to get a new haircut or go shopping for new clothes because it makes it a little bit harder to feel shitty when you look great and it provides a distraction as you are on a mission. Keep up the positive thoughts and look forward rather than backwards. It'll get you a long way.

Thought this was a very good post. Not only because you feel and look good, but its also rewarding to actually have something to show for all the money you spend.

A shirt you can wear countless times as opposed to a couple hour high straight into your arm/lungs/nose ...etc..

good luck lisa

[Lisa J]

Well SWIM still has those two ten bags but she's not sure if the reason she hasn't used them is because she has an appointment with the GP Tuesday about increasing her methadone and thinks she could get tested. SWIM still thinks about using but not with the unbearable anxiety she did have when she didn't have any, she will find out how strong she really is after she's seen her GP.

[Junket]

Originally Posted by Lisa J

she will find out how strong she really is after she's seen her GP.

Don't ever doubt your strength. You are stronger than a drug and you can do it.

Having it around at all times, while it may help with the anxiety and fear of not being able to get it, just seems like its asking to be used.

If you are trying to stop drinking, you don't go hang out at bars..
If you are trying to stop gambling, you don't go to a casino

Same logic right?

[cnsns2ccl2]

Remind swiyself that swiy did it before so swiy can do it again. Obviously it isn't as easy as it sounds. Like swiy said, just because you lose a battle or two doesn't mean you can't win the war. Winning any war is a long difficult process but swiy has already come so far, no point in giving up now. Keep going, one day at a time. swiy will get there in the long run and it'll be worth it.

[infekt]

humans make mistakes! View a slip as just a slip and move on with your life. Swim thinks part of the reason people go into a full relapse when they slip is because everybodys telling them that they are, everyones telling you that you can't just have one. And on top of that, the guilt. Prove them wrong. You slipped, and that's it. You know the consequences of using like you used to. You know that you may relapse if you have another, and keep that in mind. Better safe than sorry, right? That's all there is to it. And if you have another one day, keep that in your mind. You had one, and you aren't going for another. Swim has had a very similar experience.

Oh yeah, don't misinterpret this! I am not condoning "chipping" at all. I'm just saying...a mistake is just a mistake and it doesn't have to be the end of world if you can get above it.

[Lisa J]

SWIM has to be very careful and knows how easy it is to turn odd slips into chipping, in the past SWIM has kidded herself she was having the odd slip and they didn't matter but they got more frequent until she was using daily again.
It's not the slip thats the biggest problem for SWIM, it's her general state of mind, SWIM has been in this "war" most of her life and isn't sure how much fight she has left in her.
SWIM does get days where it would be easier to give in to it all, it's almost a year since she quit but it still feels like yesterday, so much for it getting easier with time.
SWIM has good spells too when she feels she'll be OK, she hangs on in there in the hope one of these is just around the corner.
It's not the fact SWIM did use that's her problem now, it's that she wants to use again, the fight continues.

[Junket]

This clearly isn't a life you want to live and you have the abillity to stop.

You definately have the fight in you. Letting a drug run your life is not living at all. You got to look at the fact you still want to use and change this first. You can't quit something if you still want to do it.

What about the drug is making you want to use it after looking at all these negative effects?

[oggy]

Hi Lisa, sorry to hear things a not going to well just now. I've not been on the recovery forum for a much. Something psychological you could try on yourself is to change your own thoughts. Write down all the the positive things about your heroin use, then write down all the negative things down, compare them and see how much your hurting yourself by wanting this drug. Only do this once and don't dwell on it, this is just for you to realize how bad it is. Now that you've done that think of only the positive things you can do without it. Write down something you would really love to do and think of it every day, write these things down and visualize them but don't stress about it, something unrealistic for now but achievable. Holiday, new car, a hobby you've always wanted to do but the only thing stopping you is thinking you can't do it, something that makes you really happy. These thoughts are the ones that people have that have these things you want, its nothing to do with them being more intelligent or lucky. Its because of their positive dreams, positive thoughts.

Thinking about not wanting to take heroin is the only reason why you still take it. As funny as it seems its very true. Your body doesn't really want heroin. If it could talk to you it would be saying please no more of this junk. Heroin isn't a physical addiction IMO, its all your thinking about not wanting it because its bad but it takes the thought of not wanting it away so you'll continue to take it.

Ask yourself, do you really want this thing that's making you unhappy? Be nice to yourself and save the money up for luxury cruise trip around the world and don't think for a minute this it not possible. It is and you deserve it.

[Lisa J]

Thanks for your replies

SWIM is still hanging in there, yesterday was a tough one once the appointment with the GP was out of the way. SWIM honestly didn't know from one minute to the next whether she would use or not, she met up with a friend and went to a support group but it was touch and go right up until late in the evening.
SWIM has been stronger today and hasn't been tempted to use so far, she can't let this shit beet her, but recovery can be a very lonely place sometimes.

[cnsns2ccl2]

Keep hanging in there! Recovery most certainly can be a lonely place, especially when it's not only the heroin addiction someone is trying to deal with (ie death in the family, divorce, etc). Swim can tell you that just losing a father alone can leave one feeling so totally alone in this world (at least it did for swim) and swim can assure you that it does get easier with time, however, it's a long time (gets easier bit by bit). That's where a good support system comes in handy. Looks like you have some more people on your side in here too. If it helps, you can always PM me if you need someone to talk to.

If swim were swiy, today swim would be sitting there with a big smile on her face knowing she faced an incredibly tough task and she wasn't sure of herself but she did it! That's an accomplishment to be proud of. Actually swim would be bouncing around smiling from ear to ear but swim is a little weird at times. :P

[Lisa J]

SWIM hasn't used any heroin but is taking extra methadone and tonight even put one of her fentanyl patches in her mouth. SWIM has to go somewhere Saturday which has triggered bad memories from a year ago, she has so much anxiety she feels like leaving everything but she hasn't anywhere to go. SWIM feels so bloody scared and trapped but she's desperate not to turn to heroin again, the fentanyl is making her feel sick as hell so perhaps that wasn't such a good idea.