Demons within me -

[Junket]

My friend wanted to write a letter to all of you here at Drugs-forum, he wanted to just get a new perspective on his drug use and see how it sounded actually written out. So here is his letter..

I first tried cocaine, shrooms, ecstasy and weed at the age of 16, all of them were always fun, always cool, but never a problem. I did any various drug maybe once or twice a month. only on special occasions, just real casual use. This pattern of use continued but slowed down around the time I turned 18 in April of 08. I was pretty much no longer poppin ecstasy, I hadn't done shrooms or coke in a while, I was just a good old weed smoker.

In may, a month after my birthday, one way or another, I had alot of money and I ended up doing an eightball of coke each weekend. On the last weekend I felt like I had my fun and I couldn't keep doing it. No problem, I just simply moved on.

June was just a normal month, smoked weed, drank, nothing serious, life was good.

July rolled around and something happened that had never happened to me before. I was just suddently getting coke cravings. I made one phone call and I got a number to a dealer who had good product, good prices and would meet me right in town. The ease of getting coke was what got me. I had never found myself to have an addictive personality, but something about the coke ritual really took me in. I loved the smell, I loved choppin and lining it up. It was safe to say, I loved cocaine.

I ended up pulling money out of my "buy-a-new-car fund" every other day for coke. I dropped close to 400 bucks in July alone. I know this number may seem small to some, but for just sniffing that amount by myself, its crazy. Monday I'd get a gram, wednesday I'd get a half gram to get me to saturday where i'd get another gram. It was a pretty vicious cycle of use. Time and time again demons would get the best of me. I would always just be sitting at my house, bored, and I would just start justifying getting coke in my head. All the addicts out there know what this is like. You tell yourself, "last time I had a bad comedown, I shouldn't spend my money, it will be gone quick anyways" but then two seconds later you are like "shit I can spend 25 bucks for a half gram, thats not a big deal, it would be worth it, damn it would be nice" then twenty minutes later, you are crushing a rock into powder...

August 4th I made a commitment, I said no more coke, I erased my dealers number. I'm done

However last night, August 7th, what happened? Demons started telling me to pick up some blow, I had the dealers number memorized and I picked up more coke.

Last night once I blew through the sack I felt feelings of guilt, remorse, frustration that I had never felt before. They were intense, I was so disappointed in myself.

My dealer called me this morning and said he has moved back to his hometown, which is a state away, and I thought this really was a blessing. This was my Angels preamptive strike against the beast within me. I think now that he is gone I will have a way better chance at controlling myself.

It was only a month into my moderately heavy coke use when I realized just how real addiction can be. I'm counting today as day 1. Thank you for reading. Wish me luck.

Reputation Comments on this post:

A blessing indeed. Good luck.

[Dexyfiend]

Good luck. SWIJ this shit can be a bitch and then some but SWIDF reckons SWIJ is on the right track. Heres a couple of motivational lines from a great MC, KRSONE:

I will make it
The monent that you state it and believe it you create it
The power of your very word is highly underrated

[msmogadon]

SWIM hopes SWIY has the strength not to go looking for another source. If SWIY finds it easy to get one then that could be another excuse to justify it. Addicts will use any excuse to go back again and again.
But as they say its all the power of the mind
Take it easy

[hippie_lain]

stay strong man. Coke was swims drug of choice and swiy is damn right that drug is a fucking demon, its soo hard to stop once you get going. but theres hope, if you want it bad enough you can make it. right now your friend is ahead of the game if he can beat it at an early age. maybe going to outpatient would help, it may be boring but there is alot of info to learn. hope your friend makes it man, good luck

Reputation Comments on this post:

good advice

[Junket]

Thank you for the responses..

Oh and why did I get negative repped?

The letter is written by a friend, so that is someone who isn't me, right?

DAY 2 by the way.

[Lobsang]

Here is a good some to listen to. Listen to the words carefully. It deals with Cocaine.

http://www.drugs-forum.com/forum/loc...tid=61&lpage=3

As far as the negative rep. If the person said you were incrimnating yourself and you were not and got negative rep wrongly you can sinply appeal. As it is described in the form workings..

[Junket]

Lobsang,

Negative rep was taken care of. Thank you for that and the link too

[Junket]

Now that it is 1:42... that means it is Wednesday and today is

DAY 6 clean.

Not having a dealer willing to front just a phone call away is definately the biggest factor.

Don't know if anyone cares, just figured I would update the progress.

[sylenth]

it gets easier past the two week mark. smurf has spent lots of money & sold lots of things cos of the demons & eventually smurf stopped. well done to the slow progress.

Reputation Comments on this post:

thanks for the positive reinforcement - Junket

[Madre]

Good job on 6 days clean now It's really reassuring to hear that SWIY is doing well. SWIM has dealt with addiction to various things in the past and has been whispered to by similar demons- SWIM finds that weed really is the miracle drug =D a nice bowl always helped SWIM put the phone down and not go searching for the devil in powder form. Stay strong! try to remember that it's just not worth it

[Junket]

sylenth, Madre,

Thank you both.

Just saying one day a time seemed to do the trick at first, and now that its been even just 6 days, falling back isn't an option, and thats feels really good.

You can never kill addiction demons once you create them through use, but you can definately weaken them through time.

Oh and Madre, couldn't agree more. Getting a sack of weed that will last 2-3 days as opposed to coke that will last a few hours is helpful to the cause. It makes it so you aren't as bored and it gives you something to do.

[Madre]

SWIM has never felt guilty about a joint =D

Reputation Comments on this post:

good posts, thank you - Junket

[Junket]

Haha exactly.

Coming down off coke its nothing but guilt, remorse, regret and basically misery.

Coming down off weed its nothing but food and sleep...

[Junket]

My friend wanted to give his last little update for while

Day 11 clean. No chance of falling back.

Last night I shroomed and it helped even further put things in perspective. All the addicts out there you can do it. Out of personal experience I can definately say it feels so good.

Good luck to you, Thanks for reading.

[sylenth]

Junket,

nice one bud, lsd has been helping the smurf in times like these too. so we can relate on the swimming... two months for smurf now clean from the coca, main thing is irritable moments from the cravings. keep up the good progress.

feeling clean n fresh is quite goood for a change, soon u'll have lots of natural energy that feels awesome.

[Junket]

Today is one month clean.

Feel great, have money.

Good luck to everybody

[sylenth]

Junket,

smurf has had some demons over the last two weeks on bad days & the usual would be aah fuck it lets call him & ...

but smurf realises the consequences & says nah it's not worth it, lets enjoy the month with more cash & better emotions. it's going on for 3 months clean here.

keep it up, it's worth it 'mental stability' is way better.

[Junket]

sylenth,

good job smurf. keep fighting those damn demons

when one is caught up in the actual cycle of abuse, using again is always just like "ehh why not, might as well" but once you have a couple weeks clean it just feels so good that going back doesn't even appeal when looking at the negatives.

[Junket]

My friend remains clean. 2 Months & 2 Weeks.

[sylenth]

Originally Posted by Junket

My friend remains clean. 2 Months & 2 Weeks.

hey how's this cleansiness doing? update... hope swey has been bathing in holy water, it's that time of the year when partying is top priority for a lot of swimmers... this side it remains easy as the quality of the cocaine is at it's worst it has ever been & this is from a lot of dealers... unfortunetly a new habit has creeped in through the back door & it's a whole new ball game.

[Junket]

whats the new habit??

my friend is over 4 months clean..

but demons called him on the phone tonight and he is considering answering them..

confusion

Reputation Comments on this post:

good of you to ask for help on here

[rokman nash]

Hope you didn't answer the phone. My friend Dave lived in south america in the early 80's(drug interdiction in the army) and got the uncut stuff.This was before you were born,and before piss tests,and I have been told the boys went crazy.Dave never had a problem wallking away from the powder.Interestingly Dave got caught up with opiates several years ago ,and that got his claws in him. He could walk away from the happy powder,but the dark side called,and of course he answered. He has 25 days today clean of all junk/opiates.The only recommendation he can give swim is walk away while swim still can.He's an old man of 43 who's been everywhere done it all and been part of the horror stories. Do your young self a a favor save your money,find something to take the place of that shit. It sounds like swims problems echo Dave's with the exeption of DOC.

Listen Dave knows your young and invincible,when you need some words seek me out. I'll help anyway I can

Reputation Comments on this post:

good to read the positive input, and support

[Junket]

Thank you ^ definitely a good quick read.

my friend didn't pick up the phone the other night.. so he is still completely clean.. feels good.

he was really really considering it, but just tried to think back to the very last time he had done it and how much guilt he felt. It wouldn't be worth it...

[rokman nash]

Keep that thought in front of you along as you can.Listen i'll never claim to have all the answers,but I know what a young man like you is dealing with.My friend Dave has been on his own since his 17th birthday,haven't lived within 600 miles of a family member since then.When you get right down to it he's taken care of himself(cooking,washing clothes, little sis)since 12-13. He ain't no saint but knows someone trying to do right. let him know if he can help.

[sylenth]

Originally Posted by Junket

whats the new habit??

my friend is over 4 months clean..

but demons called him on the phone tonight and he is considering answering them..

confusion

the new habit was heroin but has come to an end after realising the shitty side of heroin abuse. withdrawal & tolerance is not worth making a habit of. well done on swiy's side, that really is a nice long break. oh & well done with ur mighty come back, you're ass has 2 red dots less than before... keep up the good work soldier. good to see you back, thought you were gone for good. now i realise a ban is only a temporary ban.

happy new year, may all the best things imaginable come your way for 2009!