Overdose - How far it really goes; how swims oldest friend died

[Samadhi]

Swim is not preaching or trying to make anyone change their mind about the usage of opiates but this experience has reminded swim of just how far it all really goes.

Swim's family is a little messed up, he has a mildly schizophrenic and alcoholic mother, and a eager to fight and equally alcoholic dad... He has always had to rely on family to help him out. Swims uncle was always there to take him in, he lived with his friend in a huge house with his old friend from college/vietnam; an incredibly talented chemist too... but moving on. The old hippy (that's what the family calls him) had a son aswell. he was swims age and they went from kindergarten to high school together, they were insepreable... when high school ended and swim started attending culinary school, his friend began using opiates and dropped out of the University of Washington... Swim was living with him at the time and knew he was using opiates a fair deal. Swim hooked him up with an online source for MScontins, dilaudid, and some other pharmicuticals to help him save money... soon after that swim moved out due to problems he had with his friends girlfriend.

Swim fell in and out of contact this year and when he did meet up with him to hang out or do something, swim knew there was something wrong, there were trackmarks on his arms and his friend was no longer the person he knew... this was a month ago when swim saw his closest friend this way...

Yesterday, swims friend was found dead in his apartment by his girlfriend... the way it is speculated to have happened is that he overdosed on the time-released MScontins and had some sort of massive body failure and died.

There is a line and swims friend crossed it... a young life at the age of 19 taken by opiates and his addiction and need for them.

If only swim had never given him a source for these things, if maybe he'd said what was on his mind last time he saw his friend, if only he'd helped, his friend may still be alive and all those pictures of them as kids and all the home-videos of them having birthday parties together and graduating together would be happy memories, not just the pain of the life that was taken from swims best friend...

it just shows how far it really goes, sometimes, you don't wake up...

Reputation Comments on this post:

Sorry man, thanks for sharing

[MiMoMo]

Playing the game of Russian (drug) roulette leads inevitably to the eventual responsibility for someone else's death. Anyone who has kicked it around a bit, well knows that turning somebody on to either product or connection just might be the fateful trick, instead of treat. That's just a hard fact of playing the drug game. Helping someone hookup may be a step towards their demise, be it through addiction, arrest, sickness or death. Who can say when the inadvertent passing of a pill or contact may lead to tragedy?

Under this realm, opiates carry a sinister weight. SWIM quickly recognized that no amount of good intention would insulate him against the horrible blowback from a good deed gone bad. Perhaps it is paranoia, but SWIM will not party nor confide in anyone. In fact, SWIM has taken a hiatus from the scene that has run almost 2 years now. In that time, nearly all of SWIM's drug acquaintances have fallen deeper into abuse, prostituted, got snitched on, become snitches, are doing time or died. SWIM wishes this wasn't so, because SWIM did enjoy the experience of altered awareness. It is when the search for altered awareness creepily morphs into sadomasochistic tedium, that cracks in the yellow brick road arise to swallow the soul. SWIM's best friend is returning home back East from a calamitous dance with H out West, now brokedown, strungout, destitute and divorced. From the outset, SWIM was blunt in his criticism of friend's new dance partner, though almost ashamed at so forcibly contradicting friend's view. Made no difference.

Look, trainwrecks in progress are all around us. While our intention might certainly not to be to expedite the accident, by association we may have a role in the speeding up or slowing down of the inevitable. While not condemning, SWIM does speak his mind and never facilitates anyone's altered pursuits, quite against the grain of SWIM's overly generous personality. Finally, SWIM heartily cheers on exploration of the inner space, but loudly warns of a perceived impending collision with reality if so envisioned. While making every attempt to prevent a trainwreck, with age, SWIM has learned to safely turn away when needed for self preservation, to avoid lethal shrapnel and collateral damage resulting... SWIM often reads posts from the banned for insight into interpersonal policy and making tough decisions. SWIM's absolute favorite is the fabulous NICAINE, with whom SWIM identified to the utmost. One can learn alot from the banned and damned, maybe enough to avoid ending up being either one.

[Solinari]

I doubt there was anything that could be said or done that would have stopped this, even if the source was different who's to say it wouldn't have happened anyway with something else? If someone isn't careful with one drug then why would they be careful with another? Is it possible it wouldn't have happened that day if you had said or done something differently? Who can say.

Frankly i don't think there is anything you can say to an addict to change there ways unless there is some sort of direct influence that can be made on their life. Like cutting them off financially or giving them a choice of leaving the house or getting help, something along those lines. There have been many people i know that have tried to save my life by giving me a lecture on the things i was doing, i know they are only trying to help but i have heard it all before. Getting an uncomfortable lecture for 5 minutes where the only response is "i know", "yea, you're right", isn't really going to change anything, it isn't going to stop the withdrawal and it certainly isn't going to suddenly change their whole lifestyle. Once the lecture is over, they go their separate way and you go yours.

I am sorry to hear about your friend, in time i hope the memories will become a source of comfort and not pain.

[davestate]

Sorry to hear about that man, It's incredibly difficult to post something so personal on such a public forum, but if it helps educate one person, or turns one person away from going dowe then wrong route, then his death won't totally be in vain. Theres a positive in everything, and this is it.

Everyone learn from this, opiate to me are a hobby, and with every hobby, it should supplement it, not be the focus

[Swing]

Hey man I understand how you feel... I'm from central washington university and have already lost 2 friends due to OC overdose.... One of my friends killed him in my mind she was 30 he was only 20 and they were going out and she got 200 beans a week that gave him unlimited access to. Since I'm from your area and got friends goin to UW too you could feel free to PM me if you ever wanted to talk. It sux as the years go by and you wonder what you'd be doing with them during these hot summer days.

[Samadhi]

thanks to everyone who has spoken kind words to me about this. His life ended with drugs and i thought that this forum should know the dangers that some (and likely some swimmer) can go through.

thanks guys

[cra$h]

such a sad story. but to be a little optomistic, if swiy didn't hook it up with a reliable source, swiy's friend could have fallen a lot sooner. but there's one thing no one can change, and that's someone's firm stance. they just tune you out and pretty much say "yea, thanks for the help, but fuck you." but what happend is done, and you have no choice but to move on, and don't forget to learn along the way.

[NoleGirl323]

Originally Posted by samadhi123

Swim is not preaching or trying to make anyone change their mind about the usage of opiates but this experience has reminded swim of just how far it all really goes.

Swim's family is a little messed up, he has a mildly schizophrenic and alcoholic mother, and a eager to fight and equally alcoholic dad... He has always had to rely on family to help him out. Swims uncle was always there to take him in, he lived with his friend in a huge house with his old friend from college/vietnam; an incredibly talented chemist too... but moving on. The old hippy (that's what the family calls him) had a son aswell. he was swims age and they went from kindergarten to high school together, they were insepreable... when high school ended and swim started attending culinary school, his friend began using opiates and dropped out of the University of Washington... Swim was living with him at the time and knew he was using opiates a fair deal. Swim hooked him up with an online source for MScontins, dilaudid, and some other pharmicuticals to help him save money... soon after that swim moved out due to problems he had with his friends girlfriend.

Swim fell in and out of contact this year and when he did meet up with him to hang out or do something, swim knew there was something wrong, there were trackmarks on his arms and his friend was no longer the person he knew... this was a month ago when swim saw his closest friend this way...

Yesterday, swims friend was found dead in his apartment by his girlfriend... the way it is speculated to have happened is that he overdosed on the time-released MScontins and had some sort of massive body failure and died.

There is a line and swims friend crossed it... a young life at the age of 19 taken by opiates and his addiction and need for them.

If only swim had never given him a source for these things, if maybe he'd said what was on his mind last time he saw his friend, if only he'd helped, his friend may still be alive and all those pictures of them as kids and all the home-videos of them having birthday parties together and graduating together would be happy memories, not just the pain of the life that was taken from swims best friend...

it just shows how far it really goes, sometimes, you don't wake up...

Wow, that was a very powerful story, thank you for sharing you're experience. Oftentime, swim over does it and finds herself praying that she doesn't die in her sleep; her favorite combo of opiates and benzo's really freaks her out, she has been lucky so far.
I hope that swiy doesn't blame yourself for your friends demise, it would have happened either sooner or later regarless of whether or not swiy linked him up with a reliable source. Swim was surprised that there is still internet sources for opiates, swim has been trying to find one for the longest time; each site she finds leads her to some other site that requires you to join as a "member." Once she signs up, the drug she was looking for isnt even on the list of drugs that the site provides.
Swim grew up in Washington state, and almost went to UWF herself. Its difficult to hear about the untimely death of one of your own peers; you're confronted with your own mortality and with the ease with which you life can end.
Hang in there friend, take confort in the fact that your story has had a strong impact on at least one person.

[podge]

My deepest sympathies Samadhi, the only bit of advice i can share in such circumstances:

dont bother with any of the "what if's" ..... your friend made his own decisions, all swiy did was try help his friend wit that hook-up, there is no question that swiy would have stepped in had he know what was going to happen. But the future is unwritten so you couldnt have known. The "what if's" can bring no good, only more senseless pain. Swiy can best serve himself and his friends memory by remembering the great times shared, and by counting swiyself lucky enough to have ever had a chance to meet such a friend. My condolences again. Peace.

[sylenth]

alot of true words have been said already. smurf has been through similar circumstances, as long as he died happy by doing what he enjoyed, no matter what it is is what counts. some people die never getting to find what truly makes them as happy as can be. that is sad. it was important to him & no one could take it away that would be wrong. you were looking out for his best interests that made him happy & you achieved that.

as much as we want to see people enjoy other things & not be so consumed by something that we think is a pity or a waste we cant change what others choose to want.

i really am sorry to hear about your loss.