Alcoholism : "SWIMy" experience

[nickjett]

swim said...

I think i was about eleven when i first had a drop of alcohol, it was half a can of strongbow. My mum gave it to me after i got back from a birthday party. I loved the taste of it, but never really that much more, maybe the od sip of beer from dad and a snowball at christmas.

It was'nt til i was fifhteen i stayed my bestfriends house with another of my friends. We all got drunk, think i must of had 9 bottles of foster's. (Not Much compared to what i drink now!)

The next morning i felt my very first hangover, it was horrible! I swore to myself, never again! As you do.

I was always a shy person, once i reached about nineteen whenever i new i was going to meet a girl which i liked, i would have a couple of drinks head start, to boost my confidence!

I now think at twenty five, i am lucky to find that special person the one i love, but if she only new how much alcohol i drink! I don't think she would leave me but, like most people who are not alcoholics, see alcholics as "Dirty Alcoholics"

You know!

I always think if i was to of found the one person i truly love sooner maybe i wouldnt be in the situation im in now!

But finding road to finding that person i have a number of girlfriends which do not like the person i am when i drink. This reson i have hidden how much alcohol i drink to the one i love so much!

She has seen the person i am once drunk a few times, but only a few! At the moment we don't live together and when she does stay at my house i wait til she sleeps before i drink. I dont just drink i drink til i have blackout, and wake the next day not knowing when i went to sleep!

She sometimes wonders why i am not happy in the morning, because i am hungover is the reason. If i told her that she would know for the past one and a half years that was ther reason i wasnt happy in the morning!

I know i drink to much but i cant stop it, two weeks ago i managed to stop drinking for a week! Which in my books is good! A week later i have drunk two bottles of wine, one litre bottle of vodka and four bottles of 3litre super cider!

Today i took a day of sick! The reason being last night i thought, fuck it im gonna get drunk again! Im nearly in tears writing this! Sometimes i think maybe i shoul just kill myself, it would be easier!

Me and my girlfriend went to Tenerife on holiday about three months ago. We were having a good time id had a few drinks and so did she. (Like you do on holiday). So she never really saw how much i was drinking. But come the fifth day i got quite a bit drunk and she wanted an early night. She got annoyed that i wanted to go back to the bar and drink some more and we argued!

I told her i was going to go for a walk. This was'nt my intention, i was going to go to the bar have one final drink, and fall into the sea! I am now crying now, as i walked fom our hotel room, i heared her cry! I couldnt walk no further.

I have made one attempt before this to comit suicde, this was about two years before i met my present girlfriend. I overdosed on a few pills but nothing happened! I just woke the next day with a hangover! Again.

I am writing this blog post and sitting to the left of my keyboard is a glass of super cider and below my desk is the rest of the bottle. Enough to get me to blackout!

I wake every day feeling horid! ,my stomach hurts and i can not eat til late the next day!

I have put on about 2 stone in weight in the past year and a half, i was always a fit and slim person so you can really notice the differnce!

I need to stop drinking, but iam not going to AA to talk in front of a room full of people. ANd i cant tell my girlfriend!

I dont know what to do!

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[mickenator]

Swim understanda how swiy is feeling as swim totally understands addiction as swim has battled it for over a decade and still does. Swim is not an alcohollic but a heroin addict but as swim sees it they are both addictions and they both cause no end of problems both personal and social. Any addiction is crippling because you think to yourself if I talk to anyone then they are going to look at me like Iam dirty and a bad person, but most of the time this is not true and some of us lead normal productive lives it's just the stigma that is attatched to addicts that puts us of from talking. It maybe the best thing that swiy could do to go and be honest with swiys girlfriend as if you are both in love and from what swiy says you feel the same then she will stand by swiy and help swiy through this. Swiy has to get over the first barrier and that is talking to someone so if swiy is going to get anywere then swiy will have to come out the shadows Swim has just spent alot of time helping build up a rehab index on DF so maybe swiy could find help on there. Good luck in whatever swiy chooses and keep me posted as swim doesn't mind being a shoulder for some one even if it is someone swim doesn't know.

[nickjett]

swim said...

Today is technically the first day to the road of being completely sober! I haven't yet spoken to anyine about my problem but i havent had a drink. I could of, i had the opportunity to steal some wine from work, which i have done plenty of times.

Im not apploading myself for stealing just mearly pointing it out, the measures it sometimes takes for me to obtain alcohol. But for once i did'nt risk it, my head was going crazy! I phoned my girlfriend just to hear her voice, spoke for a little while, put the phone down and went home as quickly as possible to get away from opportunity of stealing once again from work!

I keep , is at actually safe to go "cold turkey" when i am so dependent for alcohol?

I keep reading on the internet that it is not safe, the Dt's.

This is quoted from the about website

"Once DT's begin, there is no known medical treatment to stop them. Grand mal seizures, heart attacks and stroke can occur during the DT's, all of which can be fatal."

That scares me!

[mickenator]

Swiy feels like anyone who has to go through there withdrawl it can seem terrifying and they tend to believe what has been written that may have happened to someone sometime. The trouble is everyone is different and we all react differently to this so the best thing to do is maybe if swiy is afraid of withdrawl then reduce swiyself, just because swiy has had a little drink just enough to keep the DT's at bay then swiy has to be strong and not think fuck it I'm getting drunk as that would just lead down a road of misery and loss. Take this from someone who has lost everything to addiction and then spent years trying to build there lives up no good comes of giving in If swiy is unsure then phone a help line they don't know who you are so swiy will be able to speak freely. At the end of the day it's like this if swiy wants to keep there normal life and be happy then swiy has to make a stand and hopefully that will be today. What ever swiy chooses I hope things work out.

[nickjett]

swim said...

I dont think it is possible for me to drink just a little and stop! Its easier for me not to drink at all, than it is to drink just one or two drinks then stop. But saying that is it easier, in the last three years i have only managed to have a break from alcohol a maximum of two weeks! And there has'nt been many of these alcohol breaks!

I may have to phone someone i have also read there is drugs which can prevent most of the mild withdrawal symptoms from occurring. Like "Thiamin" or "Valium". I never new what valium was til now!

There was a person i new from work, he was an alcoholic. He got the sack because of this. He would turn up late stinking of booze or not even turn up at all. And he always would having "valiums" While drinking!

I think i probably drink as much as he did, but for some reason i had enough will power to not drink in the morning. Just make up for it later at night!

If my girlfriend sleeps at my house i would wait til she sleeps, and get para til i blackout, even if we was to go bed really late! I remember about a month i go i started drinking at 2.30 in the morning, i remember still being awake at 5, then i blackedout. Woke at 11am because my girlfriend wanted to spend the day with me, but she thought she had done something wrong because i barley spoke to her!

[mickenator]

If swiy can manage to not dink in the morning and survive till night time then it is only one step away from saying right "I Will Not Drink Tonight !!". Swiy has it in themselves to stop swiy just has to do it. Swim has just been sacked recently from one of there jobs as there boss found out that swim was an addict so don't let siyself go down the same road. Swim was reasonably lucky as swim had 2 jobs and can afford to live on 1. How will you explain to your girlfriend and family if this happens to swiy ? Swim is still in a dilema what to do about family as they think swim is clean. Like you swim has got very good at hiding there addiction from the ones they love until now and for swim and no doubt swiy it's make or break time. Just think very carefully on swiy decision as it may ruin the rest of swiys life, don't end up like swim you WILL regret it deeply.

[purplehaze]

Phaze thinks honesty would help in the long run. If you continue to venture down the road your on now your girlfriend is going to end up wondering whats wrong all the time, she will eventually think she has done something wrong, or you are keeping something from her. So it might be best to fes' up and let it be known that there is a problem, before she thinks she is the problem and leaves.

Hiding an addiction from a loved one always seems like the best thing to do, untill you have to tell them and then it is really hard, they usually help and understand the concern. But lien is not the way to go, tell the truth. Your gf should be able to help you cope with your problem some.

Weening off would be the best way IMO, and telling the gf, because in the end isnt preventing her from leaving the main goal? It might be the other way around if you don't tell her.

[Jatelka]

nickjett: Effective treatment for alcohol withdrawal is available. A chlordiazepoxide (which is a benzodiazepine) reducing course is most commonly used in the UK. See your GP for help and support.

Thiamine and multivitamins are also prescribed but their role is to treat the deficiencies that often occur with heavy alcohol use, rather than the withdrawal from alcohol itself

[nickjett]

swim said...

I think i am going to have to, as i coulnt do it. Today i gave in and had a rink at work. Everyone has finished early and for some reason i got really paranoid and anxcios, my hand started trembling more than ever my heart beat rose and i was sweating!

I had to!

Im going to speak to my gp tomorrow!

I have just told my girlfriend i am an alcoholic she said she will do anything it takes, but i still feel she doesnt get how bad i am! If i told her how much i drank in a week and was to drink after she fell asleep so she wouldnt know i think her face would drop!

[mickenator]

At least swiy has made the first step in swiys recovery and hopefully it will be ok from now on, that's not to say kicking the habbit won't be hard but atleast you have someone on your side to help you through the hard times and someone you can confide in. If swim can help then just PM me and I'll try to do what I can.

[Lobsang]

nickjett,

Let me tell you a few things my friend. You are just going to have to trust the fact that I know what I am talking about. First of all not all people get the DTs. In fact most do not. Second of all you cannot cut back on alcohol. You have to stop. But the good thing is that you realize you have a problem. That is good. However I have to tell you that the fact that you tried to stop and took a drink is a very very bad sign. You are no where close to getting sober if that happened. I know this because I was alcoholic myself and struggled with it and beat it. I have also helped a lot of people succeed so I know what I am talking about.

Now basically what the deal was when you "got anxious" and your hand started to shake was your mind tricking you into drinking. The mind is very cunning and slick that way. It is always looking for an excuse to fail. It is the nature of the alcoholic problem. And people are going to give you easy alternatives to the hard path but if they are easy then chances are they will fail.

Now you say you do not want to go to AA. Well let me tell you something. If you do no matter what anyone says your chances will be infinately better at staying sober than if you do not. Most people that are resistent to AA do not really know what goes on or what it is. You do NOT as you think have to talk in front of a bunch of people. You can simply pass on that and just listen if you want. Everyone in that program has been in the exact same situation as you though some small dynamics are different.

I would strongly recommend that you call AA and tell the person on the phone you want to talk to someone. It is not big deal. They will be happy to send somebody to your home or meet you anywhere you want. Just to talk. They are not going to push you into anything. All you have to do is have the courage to pick up the phone. That is the hardest part. You really do not have to do this alone.

And do not get the idea that if you were to call on AA that they will push you into religion or God or anything like that. They will not. Like I say most people have a really wrong idea of what the program is like. It is nothing like people think. I would call them if I were you. All it takes is one phone call. That call is like knocking over a domino. That one domino starts knocking down the rest. But you have to make the call.

No if you for some strange reason are totally resistent to that then you could start by going on line and getting on AA forums and chat rooms. No one knows who you are. So what the Fuck? What do you have to lose? But again your best shot is to make the phone call. Like I say I have dealt with a lot of people. You do have a chance but you are apt to make excuses to fail. We all do.

Also depending on where you live there are a few AA type groups that can help you as well. I think you need a support group. In fact I know you do. I would do anything in my power to help you. If you want simply send me a personal message and I will be happy to stand by you in this.

http://www.wharfrat.org/

http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/

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[nickjett]

If i ring the aa, do i still see my gp? Or do they the tell me i should?

nickjett added 1 Minutes and 49 Seconds later...

I feel so depressed, people talk to me and try my hardest to look fine, its just a front! How di this happen!??

[Lobsang]

nickjett,

Well if you want to see the doctor. That is your business. If you call AA just tell the doc that you called them. That's all. Then the doc will be more likley to want to help. Just remember that 95% of all physicians know nothing about alcoholism. But sure some medication might help you for a week or so. Personally if it was me I would only use medication for a few days. After that it actually can trick you into drinking again. It is complicated. The bottom line is that you will mostlikley have cravings and you are going to have to deal with them. And most of that is in your mind. After a few days the physical withdrawl if you have any will be over for the most part. So from my standpoint I would only use any meds for a few days and then get off ASAP. Then do AA...

And remember that there are different personalities at AA. So you will like most people and some you may not. Do not judge the program by an occasional pertson you do not care for. Also once you make that call and get the balls to go to a meeting you will nor be scared to go any more. Then you should make meetings daily. I mean daily or nightly for a while.
Also if you live in a city there are many meetings so you can try different groups. Nobody cares who you are.

So like I say if you are apprehensive just call them. Somebody will come over and talk to you. They will even take you personally to the group to make you feel at ease. The ego is the biggest thing to get in the way of getting better. If you can drop that and just be honest with people and asl for help it will most likley work for you. I mean you have taken the hardest step. You have admitted your alcoholism. And that is a MAJOR step. Making the call is a lot easier than that and going to a meeting is easier than making the first call. I mean do not be afraid or be embarrased in front of AA people. Your situation is an everyday thing for them. In fact by helping you they are helping themselves. Remember when dealing with AA. Each person that helps you was in virtually the same situation as you. Apprehensive to go and all. So everyone understands you.

So yeah...I guess some people are helped short term with medication. But I would rather see you set free from all addictions. I have no addicitions now. I started drinking at 6 years old. When my grandmother would try and knock me out to sleep with Sherry Wine. I was addicted to many different things but always alcohol to a high degree. I pass no judgement on anyone else. Because everyone has to do what they have to do. At thi point in my life I do not even drink caffeine. I am not judging anyone. But for me that is the way I choose to go. And trust me my friend if I can do it you can too. The stories I could tell you. But it does not matter. aI am just saying you can do it. If you make it you will look back and see that your alcoholism and your healing added to your overall life experience.

And you said "How did this happen"...Well in the movie "The Witches Of Eastwick" Jack Nicholson upon observing some incredible thins that some people were doing uttered the words..."These are Human beings". We are human we have all kinds of abilities and pitfalls. So fuck if I know or care how you got into this. But I can help you get out if you want that. And I knoe that you do.

But anyway if you need more help just contact me. I would be happy to talk to you any time and help you figure out what to do.