Experiences - Confusion with lack of integration

[sandy58]

hey friends

first time posting but have been reading for a couple of years.

SWIM has just had probably their tenth 'attempt', if you like, at DMT and cannot help but feel confused and somewhat disappointed. SWIM is certain he has not 'broken through' in any of his attempts, as he has always been aware of his body to some degree and has experienced time with little distortion or elongation. This is not to say SWIM's trips have not been ridiculously intense..

SWIM has taken acid at least a dozen times, often with very profound spiritual results, although once in particular (very stupidly) dropping 4 tabs and encountering what SWIM felt at the time was permanent insanity. Completely nonsensical repetitive throughts dominated SWIM's mind beyond any kind of control, for what seemed to last years but was mere hours. SWIM learned a lot from this mistake and gained a newfound respect for psychadelics beyond his already extremely high levels of respect for them.

However, since this encounter, SWIM has not managed to have a totally comfortable trip which deeply saddens and confuses him. It was some time after this trip that, with great excitement and high expectations, SWIM tried DMT for the first time after reading about it for around a year. The one thing SWIM feels most disappointed with is that after the trip, SWIM is left with no understanding of the experience, and returns to reality almost as though nothing has happened. SWIM has a great desire to use the chemical for deep spiritual exploration, yet with SWIM's experiences so far he has been left with nothing. What disappoints SWIM the most is that his trips involve absolutely ABSURD dialogue, sounds and visuals which SWIM cannot possibly seem to relate to anything of a serious or spiritual nature.

Could this just be a case of not taking enough? SWIM has taken up to 70mg at once - the last few times have been using the 'machine' (which SWIM found posted on these forums which appears to work incredibly well, huge amounts can be inhaled with far less of the extreme irritation caused by using a lightbulb) and still SWIM has not experienced breaking through. Can anybody shed some light on this? The DMT SWIM has is from a reputable source and SWIM has heard from several others that it has been wonderful. Though SWIM is very sceptical, he wonders whether the 'overdose' of LSD could have had some kind of long-term effect with taking psychadelic substances? SWIM cannot think of any explainations.

Has anybody else experienced anything similar? Any severe difficulties with integrating or understanding DMT experiences? Any help would be appreciated