The Monster Inside My Head

[kaloochi]

This is a sticky from another forum. Not my words but I think it's spot on.


THE MONSTER INSIDE MY HEAD
written by Spring

This is my personal little concept of my addiction to opiates....

When I was young and used to watch cartoons, there was this character called the Tasmanian devil. He traveled like a little tornado, a little whirlwind thing everywhere he went.

He lives in a little room inside my brain. I have my own belief that we addicts may be born with him already there while those without addictive tendencies don't.

The first time I used heroin the door to his room opened just a crack. He was sound asleep to the point of being almost comatose.

Every time I used the drug the door would open just a little wider.

A few years of steadily using heroin finally made that door swing wide open. That was enough to stir him a little.

A little more steady drug use and he moved a little like he was going to wake up.
First a little movement, then a yawn and maybe a stretch...a little more arousement every time I shot some dope.

It took a few years of using to finally wake him up fully.
Once he had been fed enough to be fully awake was when he really started to get an appetite.

The more I fed him, the stronger he got and the bigger he got.

It got to the point that he had to shove things out of his way to make more room for himself.
He shoved it all to the back of my brain. Those things that were my morals, my values, my self-esteem(there wasn't much of that to begin with anyway), my motivation to pursue any goals I had, and pretty much anything else that might stand in his way of getting fed.

The more I fed him.....the bigger his appetite got.

The stronger he got....the weaker I got.

He made sure not to mess with the part of my brain that allowed me to be resourceful and manipulative though. He was a pretty smart little guy. He knew how to keep the "food" coming.

Once he was wide awake and fully grown, he moved powerfully like that little whirlwind tornado all around my brain. His movements were so powerful that my life started going the same way, a whirlwind life, chaos, an obsession with feeding that powerful beast.

One day circumstances came knocking on my door. The lifestyle and the means to make drug money all caught up with me. Well, Hey! I had to find a way to keep that little guy fed!

Talk about starvation diets! I couldn’t feed him anymore. Not even a snack and he made my life hell for about a week because of it.

He kept screaming at me 24/7 for his food. All I could think of was how badly I was wanting to feed him to quiet him down. He was really messing with my whole body by then, not with just my brain!

I was looking at a life situation that I had no control over by being under the thumb of the law and it meant that I would no longer have a way to feed him!

But as I soon found out, the longer he went without his "food", the weaker he got.

First he started to leave my bodily functions alone and continued to get weaker and weaker til he finally ran out of strength to mess with my brain.

The weaker he got, the sleepier he got until one day he finally fell back asleep.
As his sleep got deeper, the door to his room slowly started to close.

There came a day when he finally went comatose and the door slammed shut tight.

All those things that he had moved to the back of my brain slowly began to make their way back to their rightful places.

....And then it was time to go around and pick up the broken things caused by the tornado. Some things I could fix, some couldn't be replaced, and some of the wreckage is still being repaired to this day almost 10 years later.

I was able to keep that sucker in a coma for a few years until one day I ran into an old friend who was also in recovery. He soon relapsed but I did not.
I thought I could help him get back on track but I stuck around just a little too long with an active user. The rest is history.

I really thought I could do just a taste without waking the beast. It worked!
I told myself that as long as I didn’t do "a whole bag at a time" and "never two days in a row" then I would be okay.
So a week later I did another taste. Then a few days later I did a whole bag. The next day I did another bag.

It didn’t take much to fully wake up the monster! He had been comatose for years until I woke him up again.

Here I am today, almost 3 years later after that first "taste just one more time"....I'm still working to put that little sucker back to sleep.

It’s too bad I can't totally and completely kill him.
We addicts are always going to have that monster in our head but whether we feed him or put him into a coma is all up to us.

Peace and God bless us all....

[mickenator]

That sounds so much like swims life, I woke that monster and managed to put it to sleep when swim went to jail and now that monster is alive and kicking agian but for me I know that I will be like this for the rest of my life but at least swim is honest with swims self.