I want to use.

[kaloochi]

I've been an opiate user all my adult life. I stopped the street smak 4+ years ago and used subutex on maintainance for 2+ years. I had an opiate free period for a while after stopping the subs but around Nov, Dec last year i started messing with the brown again. I locked myself away and got the heroin out of my system but could never shake the craving for opiates. From that last relapse to this present day I've been taking sub, smak, DHC, Tramadol and anything that contains an opiate.
I'm trying to stop now and am feeling a bit sick. This is nothing major, I've done some hard core detoxes in the past and i've been bringing myself down to a crumb of sub this morning. It's so mild I'd be ashamed to call it withdrawal!
It all boils down to this. I want to use and it's an overpowering want. I don't want to do this but I'm struggling.

Reputation Comments on this post:

It may make you feel better

[mickenator]

My friend I think that this is how all dependant opiate users feel, no matter how hard they try they all have this over-whelming desire for more opiates. It maybe that swiy has to find something new in swiy's life and take your mind off this as swiy knows where this road leads. Be strong and stay safe.

[kaloochi]

This is hard to admit but swim used some brown. Swim don't know why, just impulse and he got his fuck-it head on. That's got him into serious trouble in the past. Swim won't use today because he's disgusted with himself and his weakness. At least it doesn't feel like it's put him back too much [he was 3 days off] I will do this

[blackdb1]

Swim has not been addicted to opiates NEAR AS LONG as the above posters but he has been hooked on opiates of all sorts for 4 years. He is currently on suboxone which has him feeling fully functional and great that he does not have to dwell on using every single day of his life! For him he thinks maintenance is the ONLY thing that will let him currently go on with his life as if he was not an addict.

For others some have success being completely sober for years upon years but that want will NEVER fully go away. If someone can find an outlet to their opiate usage and keep their mind clear of the addiction then that is great! However some people swim believes have chemical imbalances and need maintenance to get on. This all depends on the certain person, certain addcition history, etc...

There is no such thing as problems only solutions... Swiy needs to think HARD about their usage and struggle on the opiate battlefield to find a solution to this.

Hope this helps somewhat!!! Swim has been at a point where he thought his life was DESTROYED FOREVER but he was letting the addiction win in letting himself beieve this! Hope swim finds a way out of swiyour addiction and swim wishes the best of luck to swiyou! -bdb1-

[kaloochi]

SWIMM used again yesterday and then again today. He's feeling very despondant of late, he lost his job and has got himself into a bad rut. There's a new job that he's going for that requires a medical and a urine sample. He's pretty sure it's only tested for diabetes but can't take the chance, so he's going to have to put it back for the second time. He feels disgusted with himself as he hasn't been able to give any money to his ex for his son for a while and all the while he's delaying this medical is more time he's not contributing.
SWIM feels very alone because he can't talk to anyone about any of this as his family would react very badly to him being back on it and it's ten times worse because of the financial situation. It would be hell for me, and rightly so, if all this came out.
SWIM can handle the physical side of coming off, it won't be too bad. He gets very depressed and ,like he said, despondant. He tells himself to get a grip but struggles.
SWIM could really do with some support here, just so he doesn't feel so cut off through this. If he can get a couple of days under his belt things should be ok.

[Lisa J]

SWIM knows how SWIY feels, she's been off the gear for eight months (stable on methadone) but got really stressed last night over problems her ex are causing and she picked up again.

[mickenator]

Swikaloochi swim knows what swiy is going through and how hard it can be. If swiy is head strong enough then swiy should just shut themsleves away for a few days and go cold turkey as swiy said it's not to bad. But if things are to hard for swiy then you need to find someone you can talk to and can trust as it maybe easier if you have a friend or even a proffessional to help. Try and stay strong and think of your child you know you can do this.

[Flyers2008]

SWIM has been addcited to opiates for 9 years, started with Oxycontin, back when they were still making 160mgs. Swore he would never switch to dope when the people around him started to do so, but of course, the money. Much cheaper was the dope. Then he made himself another promise and swore he would never shoot up. And 6 rehabs later and many detoxes and outpatients and methadone maintenance and suboxone maintenance and 12 step meetings every day and SWIM still wants to use every day, so what you are feeling is normal I guess. I don't know whether I have given up or what, I know that of course I am always going to be an addict and the cravings will always be there, but if they are going to be there this strong every day for the rest of my life, I have absolutley no way of making it. SWIM just noticed he went from using swim to I... O well.

[kaloochi]

SWIM' hasn't used for 2 days. He got in touch with people he knew in NA and went to 2 meetings in the last 2 days and is going again today. Today is day 2 and I don't want to use. Just having like minded people around him has helped him tremendously. He's feeling positive about the situation now so it's all good.
Thanks for all your posts , the feedback means alot i'll post on this thread tommorrow

Reputation Comments on this post:

All the best with cleaning up, please remember to SWIM though.

[Lisa J]

SWIM has been opiate dependent for 24 years, sometimes legitimate pain meds, sometimes heroin, sometimes both. Her pain will never be resolved so she has to accept she will always be dependent even if she never touches heroin again. Frequently she feels pretty hopeless about it all so she knows where Flyers2008 is coming from, she just wishes she'd never took up heroin then she wouldn't have to deal with the "wanting" which for her is harder to live with than the physical withdrawal.
SWIM lapsed due to stress this time but her most common reason would be she just gets tired of fighting, she uses because she can't fight any more.

[kaloochi]

That's sad Lisa J. Things change, your outlook changes all the time so what seems impossible now won't be in, perhaps, a couple of months. What Flyers said 'but if they are going to be there this strong every day for the rest of my life, I have absolutley no way of making it.' is something i shared at NA, or words to that effect.
SWIMs 3 days clean today and doesn't want to use. Four days ago he felt like Flyers did when he wrote that post. We change. Good luck all.

[oggy]

Methadone stopped Swims cravings but only when the doctor upped his dose to 120mg from 90mg. He still craved at 90mg, but when he was on 120mg a day, heroin hardly had any effect and eventually Swim got fed up taking methadone and went cold turkey. He's now 9 weeks opiate free and has no cravings. Withdrawal isn't that bad, he actually thinks it did some good for him because it was quite intense, the worst of it only lasted for 2 nights, the terror anyway, but it was still an experience. Not much physical pain, mostly mental.

[mickenator]

Swioggy seems to have done well as swim remembers there withdrawl from 50mls of meths and heroin also and it was about 6 weeks before swim started to feel anything like normal and swim knows that swim isn't ready for that again.

[kaloochi]

Cold turkey from 120mg a day is quite something. SWIM takes his hat off to swiy. SWIMs 3 days into cold turkey but it couldn't be compared to that. All SWIM used was skunk weed and he smoked the last of that earlier. Just sitting here now, can't sleep but it's no biggy. It is possible to dissaccociate the physical symptoms from the cause. It's a physical thing that can be beaten with strong will and sheer bloody mindedness.

[Lisa J]

Keep fighting Kaloochi, nice to know there's other SWIMS out there that are fighting their demons and can't sleep, SWI Lisa J is going to try and get some shut eye now and hopes she don't dream about gear like she did last night
Cold turkey from 120mgs
Fair shout SWI oggy, wish I could give ya a medal

[oggy]

Originally Posted by kaloochi

Cold turkey from 120mg a day is quite something. SWIM takes his hat off to swiy. SWIMs 3 days into cold turkey but it couldn't be compared to that. All SWIM used was skunk weed and he smoked the last of that earlier. Just sitting here now, can't sleep but it's no biggy. It is possible to dissaccociate the physical symptoms from the cause. It's a physical thing that can be beaten with strong will and sheer bloody mindedness.

Swim started to tapper for about 2 weeks before he went cold turkey and he would be taking anything from 120mg to 30mg per day
(and sometimes he would double dose when he was bored), his last dose was 80mg when he read that withdrawal is the same coming off 80mg to 1mg. Not sure how true this is tho lol.

For sleep Swim used melatonin, up to 30mg at first, now 6mg does the job every second day. Swims trying to come of the melatonin now as it must suppress your natural melatonin production.

Try eating more fruit and veg for serotonin production. Serotonin turns into melatonin when you go to bed as long as its dark and quiet. At night try taking 2 tea spoons of honey about an hour before bed.

Honey to Melatonin explained thread http://www.drugs-community.com/forum...ad.php?t=60652

[Lisa J]

SWIM is considering asking her GP to try another pain killer such as Oxycontin instead of the methadone she's now using, she thinks if she gets off methadone she'll feel less of a smackhead and will be less likely to relapse. SWIM'S only worry is that if alternative pain killers don't work as well as methadone he may refuse to put her back on it. SWIM knows she would use heroin if her pain got bad

SWIM welcomes any opinions

SWim hasn't used or wanted to use so far today but is still under a lot of stress due to her ex causing problems, she thinks she'll be ok though as she put a fresh load of fentanyl on last night & it's just starting to kick her face in (only get a high for a few hours but it's nice while it lasts )

Keep at it SWI Kaloochi and try some of the suggestions to help with sleep, SWIM has loads of fruit and even has a bowl of weetabix, banana,fruit sugar & milk before she goes to bed. SWIM read somewhere that banana & milk mixed together does something to help you sleep. Most important is give yourself an hour of chill out time before bed, watch TV, listen to music, have a bath etc, but don't do anything to stimulate your brain such as reading or using the PC

[mickenator]

The lack of sleep is what swim thinks starts to grind you down. Swim gets to a point where swim thinks just 1 nights sleep thats all I ask. The aches and peddling your bike syndrome are bearable. Just wish it would be possible to sleep.

[kaloochi]

It's true that not sleeping can break your spirit. The night time is always worse because your body clock is saying 'sleep' but you can't. SWIM becomes delirious at these times but always finds it a bit easier once his normal waking time comes, the delirium passes and it's another day done.

2:11am now and no sleep for kaloochi tonight he thinks. Oh well at least he's an early riser so come 5am he'll be through another night.

[mickenator]

Swim was just checking to see how swikaloochi is getting on today, does swiy feel any better ? Hope you can stay strong and do this.

[kaloochi]

Alright there mickenator. Thanks for your concern. Yes I'm good,got a few hours last night after all but felt awful on waking. Don't feel so bad now. SWIM has this idea that when you're w/ding and ACTUALLY manage to get some sleep, on waking the brown says 'thought you'd get off lightly did you, here you go have some extra intense symptoms HA!'
Seriously though it's day 4 for SWIM and he's doing ok, actually wants a joint more than anything LOL! Got my boy with me today, 6 he is, my main incentive to keep going, SWIM can't let him down. SWIM won't use today as he's too scared to put himself back and have to do it all again, and he'd definately have to do it again as there's so much guilt involved with using that he can't keep it up. All in all SWIMS doing well,thanks.
SWIMS read a few of your posts and likes your direct, no nonsense approach. You say it how you see it.

[kaloochi]

SWim has no exp of oxycontin atall. He just knows it's an opiate. Swim does know about methadone and would join a crusade to ban it, horrible drug. Does swiy doc know swiy using on top? It must be double hard for swiy having to take opiates for genuine medical reasons and at the same time wanting to stop. What a dilemma. SWIM has tried to think of himself in that situation and isn't sure how he'd react. It could be used by some as the perfect excuse for never stopping.
SWIY does sound worried at the prospect of losing her meth prescription to alternative meds. Are alternative meds a real, viable option.? Has it worked for others? As an opiate addict [abusers like us] swiy will always have a perfect reason/excuse to never stop. SWIM knows nothing of swiys condition so is trying to choose his words carefully so as not to offend or, indeed, make himself look stupid. No doubt thetr will be w/d's from the opiates [all opiate users w/d] during the transition period and pain from your condition as swiys body adapts to the new, non-opiate drug, but will it pan out eventually. Maybe express this to swiys doctor. Give swiy a safety net if it goes wrong. At least swiy would have tried and will be more prepared the next time she's willing to give it a go.

kaloochi added 6 Minutes and 45 Seconds later...

Where's the damn edit button. Swim has seen his mistake and apologises. Swim thought by alternative swiy meant alternative to opiates. Sorry again. Swim would still say come off the meth if something you see as less 'smakky' is an option. Are subutex an option?

[mickenator]

Sorry swiy can only start edititng when swiy is a silver member. How is swiy feeling tonight pretty good I hope ? Kepp swim informed and if you need someone to talk to just pm me and will get back to you . Stay safe and be strong

[kaloochi]

Swims just woke [2:45am] and feels pretty positive and good about being 5 days into this. Mornings, on waking, are usually particularly bad for swim as far as w/ds go, but compared to yesterday morning {felt awful] swims not bad atall. W/ds seem to be dropping off fast . Drank half a bottle of red wine last night and it helped get swim to sleep. Also took some OTC 8/500 co-codamol. Sleep is so important, lack of it messes with your mind. Swims appetite is coming back with a vengeance and swim needs to put weight on. All in all he's good. This 'thing' can be beaten, but state of mind is all important when undertaking what seems like such an impossible task. Swim has been struggling to take this final step for some time now because of FEAR of what has turned out to be easily doable.

So the EASY part is nearly done. Swim has his medical on Monday and is worried he'll want to 'reward' himself after with some gear. Swim knows there is no CURE for this so can't be cured himself. Swim must remain strong.

[Lisa J]

Be strong and plan something to do after the medical, don't give yourself any free time, boredom is very dangerous for people like us