SWIM's life is in shambles, going back to opioids

[y0ssarianlives]

Hi there

SWIM has always been an intelligent individual which has unfortunately resulted in an extreme talent for finding and abusing drugs to their full potential. SWIM was addicted to amphetamines from 14 to 18 which resulted in major psychosis and severe social anxiety which still severely cripples SWIM's life, SWIM just got out of treatment and is on a stay of commitment and is in a sober house that SWIM hates living in even though he is granted complete and total freedom with no oversight and has internet ect, SWIM just quit his job as the place is a really fucked up small company that is not making money anymore because the boss has no idea how to run it and cut SWIM's hours in half even though he is doing 60,000 dollar work for their website and generates about $5,000 each month in online sales yet gets paid $10 an hour, and has a horrible relationship with parents.

SWIM is in major depression and no longer really gives a fuck if he lives or dies and just lost a girl he was completely in love with, beautiful, as intelligent, perceptive, deep, and socially aware as he is and brought out the fun side in SWIM and really enjoyed going out in public in the large metropolitan area SWIM resides in and still gets teary eyed when SWIM thinks of her.

SWIM fucked up his relationship with his father who is co-dependant and has always had huge hopes for SWIM who was supposed to be a rocket scientist with his 180+ IQ and perfect ACT scores yet miserable grades and bombed out of college; SWIM's dad now has a stent in his heart pretty much because of the stress caused by SWIM and his years of drug abuse, and SWIM's dad also had a small tumor found in his brain and blames SWIM for the tumor, his misery, and his stent.

SWIM used to have friends yet has dropped all contact with them and does nothing but play Diablo 2 all day which he has lost all interest in and has no other real interests anymore. SWIM is physically addicted to opioids and is on a methadone maintanence program. SWIM was recently hospitalized for a suicide attempt while blacked out on benzoes that he does not remember and was recently released from a 30 day stay in the psych ward and a 35 day stay in inpatient rehab.

SWIM really has no reason to continue on in life and is too mentally crippled to pursue the education and fulfill the potential that SWIM is capable of. SWIM would rather spend his remaining savings on powerful opioids and spend the rest of his days in a haze, and although he does not have the willpower to off himself, honestly hopes an accident does happen.

Anyways, SWIM is posting looking for advice and support. Help.

[purplehaze]

Don't have alot of time to post, but your father is clearly an enabler.

Also it sounds like your depressed.

[Mr. Giraffe]

Hello Yossarian.

You have taken an important step by articulating your situation here. You are clearly an intelligent person and are highly articulate. The reason why you are so depressed is because you feel that you are wasting your abilities.

Firstly, forget about your father, your ex and so on. You cannot do anything about other people, you can only change yourself. You are not responsible for your fathers problems, nor he for yours. It sounds like you are using drugs to numb the feelings of guilt, regret and shame which you experience.

The only answer is to confront them, experience them, listen to them. I would suggest counselling, perhaps with some reiki, if you can find one. Talk to a proper (spiritual) counsellor, have him/her cut ties with your father and others who may be holding you down, and begin the process of recovery.

The box you are now in will seem insigificant once you step out of it. It is only because you are so deep in it at the moment that you cannot see a way out.

Suicide is always an option, but it doesn't really solve anything, because your consciousness goes on. All you will feel is regret because suicide isn't a way out, it's only a way to move into another room carrying the same problems.

As a highly intelligent and sensitive person, you are bound to run into difficulties with the cold, mechanical world around us. Do you really want to be a rocket scientist or would you prefer to be a poet? You have enormous potential, and you may come to see these experiences as a gift of understanding. Someday, you may be able to help others to escape from the same box.

Feel free to PM me if there's anything you'd like to discuss outside the forum.

Take it easy!

Reputation Comments on this post:

Great posts and advice given in that topic.

[suffering_soul]

Just know you aren't the only one going through what you are going through.

I had so much going for me in many different areas, and I fucked them all up. I was just in a very complicated and serious relationship which had to be put on hiatus for a while because she had to move to a different state. I'm so talented and intelligent but I've wasted it all. I've always been bored with the world, and have always hated how society is, and just would rather be high and enjoy living, than be miserable.

I've also frequently thought about suicide, as there have been many times where I've had complete mental breakdowns with terrible anxiety where I just wanted it to stop and didn't want to live anymore. However there's still a part of me that's scared, which is why I'm still here.

I believe a lot of people that resort to hard drugs do so because they no longer really care what happens to them. They weren't satisfied with their lives before, so they say fuck it, in search for that something they were always looking for. I mean, everyone knows the dangers of each drug, and we are told as children that "drugs are bad", and especially hard drugs... We know all of the bad things that can happen, yet we still do them...

Sorry for going on and on... I just want you to know I can somewhat understand your situation. I'm often extremely lonely because there's really no one in person I can talk to who can really understand...

Just don't dwell on the mistakes you've made. I've made a lot. We all have. I've negatively altered my life with some of the choices I've made. And thinking about how much better my life could have been just makes me depressed and feel worse, so I decided to stop making myself feel bad. We both are still alive, and are capable of making positive choices that can change our lives, so there's even a bright side to that. Sure, my life wouldn't have been as great as it could have been before I ruined it... I could still be in an amazing band that's going places, and I could have had an amazing job, and money, as well as valuable things I've sold in order to get money to get high with... But I have to accept it, and move on. My life's not how I wanted it to be, so I keep doing drugs to temporarily escape, and not have to deal with anything, but the only problem is, it's temporary, and I've just been wasting away everything.

I hope you eventually feel better. I feel better after typing all of this out, because I know you'll be able to relate a little bit, knowing that you aren't alone, etc...

I think a lot of people who've commit suicide would still be here today if they would have waited a few more days. I've been so close so many times before. Times where I couldn't see things getting better at all. Times where I felt like it was my all time low, where nothing could get any worse, or better at all. Where I felt doomed. But usually the next day, or the day after, I'd feel better as I had time to come to terms and/or deal with whatever was the cause.

Good luck.

[y0ssarianlives]

Thank you for your responses guys, I've read all of what you have said and appreciate your wisdom and concern.

My biggest problem is dwelling on the past and how good things were even a few months ago; I wasn't on a stay of commitment, I wasn't in a sober house, I had a beautiful and wonderful girl, I had a decent job, now I've lost everything that made me happy even though SWIM was using at the time. I have SUCH a hard time meeting people it's rare for me to be in a relationship and I have a very hard time with them ending. It just feels like she was the one, per say, and that I could go through the rest of my life never finding another woman like her. If I even do find another one within the next couple of years as I don't go out at all and have serious anxiety issues.

That's why SWIM started doing dope; I was so anxious and nervous all the time and couldn't go out in public without worrying that people were looking at me, talking about me, thinking about me, knowing my flaws and guilty personal issues and secrets, and when SWIM was doped up I just didn't care. I could just stop caring and stop thinking.

Giraffe you're right, I need to start learning what I can control and what I cannot control but it's very hard to do as I just feel like at the point a few months ago that was as good as my life is ever going to get.

Thanks guys... I'm trying. I still feel horrible and SWIM is longing for the release that dope will bring, damn the consequences.

[cyndi]

Swim is in a mental crisis herself but can say toxic shame will be a huge issue. Swiy needs to forgive himself and look towards the future and leave the past. Opioids are really tough, swim's son is addicted heavily so she sees what he goes thru. It hurts, just hurts. He also says he will stop, does usually in jail, does ok for awhile and then depressed goes back to using. Then as swim knows once one uses heroine heavily, it is almost impossible to stop. Please get help, don't allow your life to get worse. I wish you the best.

[Mr. Giraffe]

Originally Posted by y0ssarianlives

Giraffe you're right, I need to start learning what I can control and what I cannot control but it's very hard to do as I just feel like at the point a few months ago that was as good as my life is ever going to get.

I hear what you're saying. Regret is a hard emotion to deal with; the only real cure is time. And time just moves too slow sometimes.

It's not my place to speculate on your personal relationships, but isn't there a chance that your partner left out of love for you. You know the saying 'if you love someone, set them free'. Maybe when your head is sorted, reconcilliation could be on the cards. I'm not saying this is what you should aim for, but it's a possibility.

Now, if you visualed a future where you're married with kids (if that's your bag ) to this girl, and you could speak to your present self, what do you think you would say? That it will get better, that you are strong and will recover, and that life will never be as bad as it is now.

The world needs more sensitive, perceptive people, so please remember that you are a valuable person. Your life does matter. Even random strangers on an internet forum care for you. Your challenge is to learn to care for yourself. I haven't been in the pits of addiction, so I can only sympathise, I can't really understand. It must be extremely difficult, and I can only wish you the very best in getting thru it.

[Humanity]

Have you ever made a list of 10 things you want to do before you die? If not, then make one. Now seems a good time to start fulfilling them.
At the moment, it seems that you've hit bottom. The only up-side of your situation at the moment is that it can't really get any worse, and this should/might give you a sense of security. Imagine yourself playing with blocks. Someone just kicked your tower you had been building all your life, now you have to start rebuilding, block by block. It's hard and boring at first, but gets funner towards the end.

I haven't been in your situation so I guess all this is easier said than done, but hope it's worth something anyway.

You wrote a very touching post, I really do wish things work out for you!
Good luck.

[UNIBLACK810]

Yoss SWIY sound so diffrent then swiy did the other day, what happened? SWIM knows the feeling though. And sometimes it just seems that swiy just wants to give up. Seem like it's not even worth it to try anymore. And this is so far from the truth. Just remember that everyday no matter how you feel everyday you give yourself the oppurtunity to awaken you give yourself the oppurtunity that that maybe the day your miracle may happen. If you give it up then your denying yourself that chance. And why do that. SWIM was in the same situation as SWIM graduated high school at 15 started college at 16 and graduated that @ 19. But swim wanted to be a drug dealer which eventually turned swim into a drug abuser and junkie. SWIM was sentenced to 18 years in prison @ the age of 18. SWIM served 9. SWIM started using @ 17 and everday SWIM woke up sick in the mornring everytime SWIM had a bad day and had to go to bed sick @ night SWIM just wished he would'nt wake up so that it all would somehow come to an end. Somehow swim held on though and eventually things did get better. As for worrying about the feelings of others sometimes in these types of situations you have to say F**k em. If they arent for you than they are against you. Keep your head up and I can promise you things will get better. I can't say when but I promise if you hold on they will get better. Later

[y0ssarianlives]

Sup guys, thought SWIM would post a quick update as to what is going on. SWIM is stuck in the freaking pysch ward and has been for about 40 days now and am under commitment; SWIM ended up going on a bender with klon and fent and when he came to he was back in the freaking hospital. SWIM is at a local coffee joint on their internet nearby the hospital as SWIM doesn't have any mental illness of any kind they let SWIM out for most of the day.

Anyways, SWIM appreciates the concern and advice given and should not have allowed SWIMself to sit around ruminating over substances to the point where SWIM cracked and followed through with SWIM's unhealthy whim.

SWIM is being sent to a treatment center that specializes in opiate addiction to get tapered off the methadone and although SWIM knows he will be going through hell for a month or so, SWIM is looking forwards to not having to frequent the clinic every single day at ungodly hours of the AM to feel normal. Will be nice waking up and not having the first thing SWIM thinks about is "SWIM needs the freaking 'done!"

After that SWIM will be released to his parent's house temporarily until SWIM gets a job and moves out again; at which point SWIM will go back to college and finish up what SWIM started a few years ago but burnt out in a haze of amphetamines.

Peace homies

Reputation Comments on this post:

	Good luck!
	Please keep it up. You're already becoming someone who can help others by your example - and that can only get better.

[purplehaze]

Well, That was a unfortunate series of events. Oh, well, you live you learn, hindsight is 20/20 I've learned.

Keep us posted! Hope it goes well.

[newgrower]

Good thing is it sounds like swiy has a plan. Concentrate on the future, don't worry about the past. Swim doesn't regret even the worst of the past because he likes his present and the present wouldn't be what it is without the past being what it was - swiy will get to that point before long, just stick to the plan and learn to be happy with swiyself.

[Focus]

My cat's so glad SWIY made it through the last few weeks - it must have been hard. He's quite new to this forum, and reading through SWIY's original posts just now made him feel very worried for SWIY.

He's not been drug-dependent, but he has hit deep lows that have made him think he didn't want to go on. The only way he coped with it is by thinking that even though he may have wasted his talents up to now and not done as well as he should, if he did end it, he'd be wasting the chance of doing any good at all with his life.

He's sure it will all work out for SWIY. SWIY now has a positive tone to his posts that was utterly missing before. Please stay in touch and let us all know how it's going.

[snapper]

SWIM has been in SWIY's shoes. Literally, in an eerie way. SWIM was ultimately faced with one question - do I live or do I die ? - It is as simple as that and the opiate haze and 'happy accident' are not to be counted on as a deciding factor.
SWIM suspects that since SWIY posted this, SWIY has probably already not chosen die, at least not yet. SWIM just wants to point out that the future is very unpredictable and that better things may be in store. SWIM cannot say that SWIM's life is currently a success, but it is livable and tolerable, and SWIM would have never believed that 15 years ago.
Kick the dope and move on.
The amphetamine anxiety problems get better with age, BTW. SWIM used meth all day from about 12-17 yo, and it took a long time, but eventually SWIM normalized. Occupy all SWIY's time with work and school and the rest will work itself out.
Life sucks for everyone to some extent - we can all sympathize. Move on.

Reputation Comments on this post:

good advice.good insight

[UNIBLACK810]

SWIM wants to also add. That always remember that the best way to predict the future is to create it yourself. With that in mind keep doing what you doing.......later.

[kaczynski]

Don't give up hope! What if the day after SWIY ends up dead is the day SWIY would have met a girl he falls in love with?! or something..you know what i'm saying..things can go from shitty to wonderful in an instant. you never know whats going to happen.

[chillinwill]

Originally Posted by kaczynski

Don't give up hope! What if the day after SWIY ends up dead is the day SWIY would have met a girl he falls in love with?! or something..you know what i'm saying..things can go from shitty to wonderful in an instant. you never know whats going to happen.

SWIM loves this way of thinking.....for this SWIM, it gives him hope and a genuine desire to stay clean because you never know what is going to happen tomorrow and whatever happens could change SWIM's life for the better and make SWIM happy the rest of his life

[Spare Chaynge]

Dude swim was in the same position that you are in now..

please you have so much to live for... swim pulled himself out of similar bad hole in just 6 months... you are so close to living a life that is so good if you can get sober. You can not even imagine... Swim use to think his life was hopeless being shuffled from sober house to sober house.. he was so blind .. now his life is great all it took was 6 months..

please consider that if you go back to drugs it will get worse can you imagine that... this swim could not imagine his life getting worse when he was in the position that you are in.

[Politicalchalk]

Wow, talk about a wealth of support! Swim concurs the following:

-As for your ex, you'll get over it. Might take some time, but Swim's friend once gave him the best advice possible for this situation: just move on, it's you who feels the pain. I know it's tough, but often times, this is the price of being highly intelligent. "Love is nothing more than an acute form of insanity."

-Depression is tough. Swim's bipolar and was on opiates for a long time. He was put on Suboxone (sublingual buprenorphine) which really helped. Not only does it tickle opiate receptors, it's also got anti-depressant properties; in fact, Swim's Psychiatrist recommended staying on it longer than he wanted to because, unlike SSRI's the buprenorphine doesn't make Swim go ape-shit Manic. There's also the advantage of the ceiling effect, that there's no increased effects after a certain point (in this case, 32mgs) . With abuse problems, this is an important aspect. It is pretty expensive though, and not all Ins. companies cover it. Also, the American gov't has it's thumb up it's ass about the drug, which requires practitioners to have special certification and usually requires some form of counseling or NA meetings. It doesn't take much, but a lot of doctors won't do it for one patient. It's only indication is opiate detox/maintenance, but Swim's heard of it being prescribed off-label for pain, not sure if it also requires the special license -- if not, swiY just might be able to get it specifically for depression. It's primary actions are more on the kappa receptors than mu receptors; "a partial agonist" or "agonist/antagonist" ~ doesn't mix well with other opiates.

-Your Dad is full of shit, YOU can't just cause a brain tumor by stress. One supposes the anecdotal evidence of "OMG! You gave me a heart attack!" could possibly have some bearing in reality, but larger aspects are how he's taken care of his body, meds he's on, and genetic predisposition. Again, stress is a factor, sure. But not the be-all, end-all. SwiY could, on the same line of reasoning, argue that if he believes you are the cause of his medical ailments, that he's adding to your psych ailments which directly affect medical status. Eye-for-an-Eye may have worked for Hammurabi, but Swim likes to think civilization has come a long way from Ancient Mesopotamia.

Swim feels SwiY's pain on the intellectual level. There's a specific brand of isolation, physically and mentally, being much more intelligent than many of the people around you. Getting perfect ACT scores is an incredible accomplishment, you might think about demanding your boss that your brain power is worth more than what you're getting, and he might lose you if he doesn't appreciate that. Swiy could always induce artificial defects in the webpage to fix...a lesson from Scotty on Star Trek. If the warp engine will take 4 hours to repair, you tell the Captain it will take 6 hours. That's how one becomes a miracle worker !

Has SwiY thought about taking a sabbatical? Stay with relatives in another town or state, or renting a cabin on the waterfront, or something like that. Sometimes the best thing one can do for one's self is to isolate one's self from the situation causing grief and stress. Gives yer mind a chance to gather and collect one's thoughts in a somewhat (psychologically speaking) sterile and more stable environment. While Swim is not a Christian, he went to Catholic school up to grade 12, with HS being run by Jesuits. He was very active in the student ministry and retreat programs...Swiy sounds intelligent enough to know how to avoid the brainwashing parts, while still extracting the mental galvanizing. Fortifying your spirit. Even though Swim has many philosophical issues with Christianity, he found it amazingly therapeutic. And if religion will help add to your health, roll with it. There's many different groups (churches, lay organizations, charities, secular humanism, whatever flavor you like) which organize retreats. Having a group of minds to bounce ideas off of can be quite comprehensive. If depression is really dragging you down and you need to get away from all those negative environs, it's really worth at least looking into. Wether you go alone or with a group, make sure to keep the cell phone at home, or at least turn it off. Not being able to be reached by the outside world is a specific aspect of the experience.

Feel free to PM swim anytime. Sometimes just venting and outright bitching helps to calm down; too much internalization actually negatively affects the inner workings of the body. There's a new branch of psychology called Art Therapy, you can figure out what it is by the name. The universe of self-expression is also a great way to not only vent, but actualize emotions. Once you get it out of your head, just that!: you get it out.

At the very least, Swiy has the Drugs Forum. Reading the responses, it was clear that you have a lot of support here, with people who can immediately identify with what SwiY is going through, not to mention the intellectual stimulation. Many swimmers will help swiy out in any way they (reasonably) can.

Finally, some reading that might be helpful is The Myth of Sysiphus by Camus. It demonstrates 3 choices one has in life: Suicide, a "leap of faith," or accepting that the world is inherently absurd. The absurdist view, Swim has found, (ironically) makes a lot of sense and helps to explain and understand the world around you. Not nearly as sanitary, neat, and ordered as people like to think, which I'm sure you already know. Sorry this was so long, I hope it helped at least a little.

Reputation Comments on this post:

Thanks for the reply man, good advice and support

[y0ssarianlives]

Sup swimmers

Wow, again SWIM wants to thank the various posters in this thread for the wealth of responses and support you all have taken the time to pass on; and SWIM is not going to blow off anything any of you have said, I've read all the posts here and thought about each one.

SWIM is not considering suicide at all anymore, SWIM doesn't even think about that girl (SWIM actually met a cutie in the pysch ward that he might hook up with once SWIM is done with the taper) or the job or any of that other bullshit that seemed huge a while ago and is focusing on the path ahead of kicking methadone and moving on from there. SWIM realizes that overconfidence and believing, "zomg no more drugs ever again" is not a realistic prediction of the future, as shit does happen, but SWIM has developed at least some sort of a gritty determination to accomplish some goals that will progress his life spiritually, educationally, and vocationally, and these goals do not include drug use.

So yah, this forum is not SWIMS personal blog but SWIM will definitely post here after SWIM is out of the treatment center (heading there at the end of this week, he thinks) and let you all know how it went. SWIM knows that methadone withdrawals are described by many as longer and worse than wds from other shorter acting opioids but hopefully the medical staff at this facility are competent and will wean SWIM off in a manner that minimizes discomfort.

To all those going through situations similar to SWIMS, best of luck to you guys as well.

peace!