Never recovered (14mths on)

[Rach]

Antigenesis,to answer your question,
from the same batch of pills one of my friends was 'not quite right' for a month at least. I remember it was early January 2004 and he could not sleep without the light left on for over a week.He'd gone back to London where he lives and I remained in the house that I shared with my friends in the north east.Funnily enough I talked him through this period over the phone as I wasn't overtly concerned about my own situation.I fully expected it to be only a matter of time before I woke and felt 'normal' again. I only began to feel really worried about three weeks later when I hadn't returned to baseline, I was still experiencing memory loss,visual abnormalities and overall mental confusion.
Maybe I was completely mislead and I didn't take MDMA at all that evening.I took a huge risk, testing kits are pretty much unheard of in the UK.No matter what I took or how slated I get for posting my experiences I feel it is really important that I do so. People who are still enjoying the experience will in no way empathise or relate to my situation nor do I expect them to.I certainly enjoyed 'E' until it severely effected my health.
Unfortunately most of my symptoms seem to fit the diagnosis of HPPD although I can't quite believe that I would be one of the few unlucky people to get it. Bollocks!!!!!
Thanks for your comments though, I'll keep my fingers crossed that the symptoms may improve over time.
RachxEdited by: Rach

[Gareth]

I've experienced something with strong parallels to what Rach is describing. Some of you may remember back to when I sought help on this forum. I'm sorry to hear you aren't back to 100% Rach. I feel I'm not either but I also feel like I can function again. Our minds are strong enough to pull it together and do what needs to be done. I have depression now and all the lingering DP/DR, fuzzy thoughts and vision, occasional sound distortion, poor appetite and sleep patterns and lack of motivation. I do feel like the supplements I'm taking are helping though. It's as if my brain is beginning to function again and work out strategies to accomodate the obvious damage.


Toria, you're not helping here. In fact you're making things far far worse.


Lastly, Rach. HPPD (I thought I had it to) in the strict sense of the disorder is hallucinogen persisting 'perception' disorder. The American Psychiatric Association prefers to narrow the term'perception' to mainly the visual sense. I tried to follow the diagnosis criteria and evaluate myself but I came nowhere near. It's mainly used for those who have recurring images such as fractals in their vision after intense (although not always) LSD use. We fit into a class of our own. Somewhere between brain damage and post drug-use mental trauma. There is a fairly dense HPPD support community on the web and a very nice forum dedicated for those afflicted with the disorder. Check it out, recount your story and see what people say. It'd be nice to slap on a name for what we have and take away the loneliness that comes with being the only person with these symptoms but I just don't see it happening for me. Hope it does for you. So far you have the closest description I've found for what's happened to me, so from that perspective, even if we're the only two people in the world with this, we're not alone

[sg43]

After SWIM did ecstasy and shrooms his perception of the world changed, but after about a month he seemed to return to normal, but still remembers the revelations he had.

[Unsolved]

We sure do apreciate your concern for us. Thanks for telling us what happen.

[bubaloo]

you might have had ego loss, which is this:

"Ego loss"..sometimes called Ego transcendence.. is the state of mind when one temporarily bypasses, sees through, or otherwise transcends the limits of the ego.

Often this is reported as feeling a loss of sense of self identity, no sense of time/beginning. A feeling of being connected with the universe filled with love and peace and everything being one. The other side of this spectrum could be utter chaos, depending on your worldview and beliefs.

The ego is the function of the mind/consciousness that "filters" perceived reality through a set of pre-conceived notions and assumptions. It's basic function is to protect the mind/body from perceived threats to its reality. The ego can be associated with the "beta" brainwave, such as when you are actively engaged in conversation or doing something physical.

Ego loss, this author feels.. is an inaccurate term. Ego transcendence is a better description.
The ego is not some annoying obstacle to be rid of. It is a tool for spiritual growth, and has many lessons to teach us. One must not struggle against the ego, but flow with it, understand it, accept it, and become one with it. This is transcending the ego.

To go through ego loss, in laymans terms.. is to transcend the limits of the ego/individual personality, and become more aware of our existance as eternal spiritual beings.

[Pinkavvy]

lol

know the chemical, know the source, and know your body.

I think anybody who takes a drug, espeically synthetic one, without knowing the chemical (that means, what it is, what it does to you body chemistry, how it works, and the most common effects) have no business doing drugs. (and unless you know exactly what was put into your e pill, you have no business taking it, let alone a few.) also, you must know the source, so that you can trust the chemical is what it is supposed to be. and know your body. you must know what your body chemistry is, and how it reacts to differant chemicals.

if more people would follow these simple rules, less people would be damaged or hurt.

I'm sorry to hear about your problems, and I hope others learn and understand that it could happen to anybody.

[Rach]

Know the chemical???????
Unless you test your pills with an adulterant screening kit, it's completely impossible.Have you tested your pills everytime you've indulged pinkavvy?
How would you describe your body chemistry?

The source?????
Even trusted sources can sell you dodgy pills

Know your body?????
I was well at ease and more than happy with my body and whole sense of being until I took 'E'.In one night of madness I changed my entire life.

In response to people who may think that I and others have fabricated ecstasy related fuck up stories, I can only say that I wish to god that this was the case.

To Gareth, much like yourself I am fully functional again.I returned to work last June after initially taking five months off sick.However mentally I feel much slower, emotionally blunted and my memory of the past year and the past few years since I graduated uni seems a total blur to say the least.
I don't expect people to have any amount of empathy with my situation until unfortunately they experience it for themselves.It kills me that every time I check in to sites such as this and dancesafe.org(which I do every few weeks rather than let this consume my life entirely) I find that there are people who are making the same stupid mistakes time and time again.Thats why I don't care if I get slated here.I'm never going to win popularity votes by saying that E can effectively fuck your life up.I'm talking from personal experience when I say that please stay away from this shit.

[nanobrain]

^Rach, we are saddened and sobered by your harrowing tale.

there are therapeutic modalities available to help overcome the symptomaitics, although i am not sure what can be done about your joie de vive.

that said, while your experience is one not encountered often, the logical conclusions for any drug user reading would be precisely along the lines of what pinkavvy said.

psychedelic drugs are not toys. Rach made a malinformed choice, but ignorance is not an excuse.

pinkavvy's advice is right on.

[Nature Boy]

I suggest taking some LSD (actually mescaline, probably safer). That allows anyone to feel at one with themselves. I consider it the anti-E.

[daeron]

Originally Posted by nature_boy_liam

I suggest taking some LSD (actually mescaline, probably safer). That allows anyone to feel at one with themselves. I consider it the anti-E.

DEFINITELY NOT!what may work for you n_b_l doesnt mean that it will work for her.


Hey Rach,i haventvisited this thread for a while,but it sucks that you still dont feel likeyour old self.From the last time weve spoken ive have read andheard literaly dosens of testimonieslike yours.There arereally people out there who dont respond well at all to mdma.99.97% of the users may be thrilled but there are people who just cant cope with the terrible aftereffects they feel.


I think you should spread the word around,rach and get in contact with the dance safepeople,too.Today i saw a kid completely messed up after taking what she thought was a mdma pill,the DXM pills are making a comeback;There should be non gov propaganda no-bullshit,real fact warnings about drugs-with every drug there is a risk and no one can predict how someone will react to it...





stay strong&all the bestEdited by: daeron

[peacemaker]

Hey Rach. I know exactly what u are suffering from. I don't know if anybody have suggested you this as I didn't want to go through this whole topic but anyway, check this out - http://www.dpselfhelp.com/


You are suffering DEPERSONALIZATION

[unico_walker]

You know the symptoms you describe of depersonalization are totally subjective, some find it an improvement some a nightmare.

[peacemaker]

99% find it a hell. 1%who don't, change their mind very fast or start practising buddhism which philosophy is kind of related. DP isn't a nice thing though and *ucks up life really bad.

[Emergence]

um...maybe you're depressed...

[peacemaker]

it's not depresson believe me. I've heard about somebody having similar problem after E and it turned out to be depersonalization which has the same symptoms you have. Just read about it to ensure yourself it's this.

[college]

Im sorry to hear Rach's problems. It sounds similar to I belive the fugue state that is in pihkal (I think its fugue state) anyway Ann (co-author) tripped out and never went back to normal, after a while she worked on herself and came back to baseline. She was looking for help from others when all she needed to do was help herself. It sucks your life is different but that happens. I remember the first time that someone I know tripped, that person spent the whole night curled up in a ball in the back of his truck crying, and left with MANY un-nerving questions on life and the world. The person decided to get back on the horse and try it again. Either the person got used to the world the way it is or went back to normal, either way "this" is the world now and the person is completely content with that. I think watching the news is scarier in some cases than having a bad trip!!!

[Ketamina]

Rach, I sympathise with your situation. However I strongly feel the blame you set is misplaced. I agree with most of what Toria has said, and if you would step back from the situation and try not to take what they are saying so personally, you'd realize a lot of your time and energy is being wasted by dealing with your issue in this manner.

You made a bad decision, and blaming the drug you imbibed is misplacing blame. RACH made a bad decision, and RACH is to blame. When you take any drug from any source, you risk many things. Key word here is: YOU. Please note that I'm not angry, upset, or cranky in any way toward you.. I'm simply trying to help you get past blaming a drug for your situation.

Whether or not you actually took MDMA or MDE etc., the fact you've come away with the feelings you have are indicative of an underlying problem. No, I'm not a doctor, but I read a LOT from good sources and have had similar experiences that last longer than the high. With the persistance of your issue, it is imperative you seek medical attention. Those who are schizo don't always know it, as are those who suffer from many other mental conditions like parnoid delusions and such.

Taking different drugs has definitely changed me from who I was 15 years ago. I see things differently and have a different outlook on life, and I believe that a lot of the change is due to taking drugs. Some of the changes are good, some I'd rather not have had.

One thing is certain though, it's all my fault. I chose to take them and I will continue to accept responsibility for my choices. Wasting time on blaming the drug and crusading against it on forums doesn't help your situation... I mean, please post experiences, forums like this are wonderful for learning. But be ready for criticism, questions, knowledge and advice from others. Most people quite honestly want to help, even if they approach it badly.

[Rach]

Ketamina I acknowledge full responsibility for my actions.I
agree, nobody rammed those pills down my neck and forced
me to take them.I was however extremely ignorant about the
possible negative effects of MDMA .For example I had never
visited sites such as this or dancesafe.org which for the most
part aim to allow users to indulge in a safer manner.
I'm not on a crusade against MDMA , as I stated in my first post I
am very much in favour of free choice. However I do feel that
had I read a few cases such as my own (and believe me I'm not
alone in living with drug induced HPPD)then I would have
considered the risks in taking untested street drugs much more
seriously.I wish I had been more informed and not made such
bad choices.I would not force my opinion on anybody,
obviously not everybody who takes ecstasy will end up with
problems such as mine but then again I'm not the sole person
that this has happened to either.
If I had a pre-disposition to anxiety/depression then I was
wholly unaware of it.This is where the problem lies.How does
anyone know how they will react to a drug?. From months of
research I hold the opinion that HPPD can manifest itself in
even the most balanced and sane people.
I'm starting to deal with the situation that I'm living with now and
am adapting to the changes within myself.I agree that I should
stop thinking about the catalyst for this disorder, which in all
probability means that I should probably not look at this website
or anything similar again. No disrespect, it's a very useful site
for many but I'm not intending to pop a pill ever again.
I appreciate your comments Ketamina.Thank you for making
them with sensitivity and tact. Stress can make the most laid
back people tetchy and defensive Edited by: Rach

[peacemaker]

We are just victims of goverments, of drug prohibition, of street drugs we are forced to buy. This is another reason to depenalize drugs, but when will it happen? In my conservative country, much later than anywhere else I think. Should be born half century later.

[Nagognog2]

I think that covers this subject MORE than enough. Go do something else.


**CLOSED**