Merthadone Maintenance- Is there anyone out there who can relate? Please...

[nicelymixedup]

Hey thanks for taking the time to read, Im quite new to this, so not even sure if i have put my posting in the right damn place! Lol but im gonna give it a go and see what happens after all im safe here, if anything happens and i dont like this little world any more i can just shut down, gosh i wish life could be like that too. Please feel free to give me any tips and sorry if i say or do stuff im not supposed to, im trying really hard to stick to the rules.

So swim is on a methadone programme started on 105mg a day the green stuff, put on alot of weight and doesnt really feel much from 130 -140 these days, can glugg it down like water and has pushed all barriers never before thought breakable, still craves all day long, has totally isolated his self and doesnt know where to turn. Every one knows how bd it got and family sis mum and pops tried their best to help driving him to meetings, clinics etc, the guilt he feels for even wanting to still use is enourmous and every time almosts comes with the excuse that its just to prove he dont like it anymore and cant do it every day, with the piss tests he cant anyway....grrr its all so confusin i could on for ever, .......it the last time ever, so its okay to spend 70 or 90 or 120 its the last time ever again its okay yo spend 50 guess what that last hit was shit, one more time, how come that happens again and again.

Basically he is just lonely and needs to make friends, with stuff in common, he lives in the heart of granny land in west london cause hes movd away from the front line...but still dreams and reminises of old friends and past nights spent up to no good destroying his life as if it where picnics at the sea or fun filled innocent trips to funfairs with fluffy candy and empty pockets? And somehow all new friends happen to dabble in...suprise suprise Heroin. oohh and even a bit of Crack. He used to say he never liked that could take it or leave it, apparently in a needle its completly a differant drug, another world, you step in to a vacuum (not how you spell it know yawnnn) and this thick coating of excitment, stomach flips, mouth watering sensational moments better than the anticiation of any lame cock or pussy for that matter...??

He also knows drugs will kill him, he is daydreaming about diggin his grave, what ever happened to bunny rabbits and candy daydreams... what is his beef with himself....thats the answer...it has to be....

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[big-lester]

I am in no position to make a good judgement because I don't know you and I don't know much people who have had serious addicition problems. But maybe you have your beef with yourself because you know you will kill yourself if you keep on using, but on the other hand you can't live the sensationless life you have without the dopamine rush. I think you have lost your faith in sensations that aren't related to drugs. You think you can only feel again with drugs. I have heard reports of people doing dmt or ayahuasca to see for themselfs what they are doing to themselfs. It has got to be hard for you, I bet you feel like you are being pulled apart. I sometimes have the feeling of not having a succesfull night without ganja but I got so fed up with smoking that I became more intresting in soberness and clearness. I changed my mind just by the power of intrest. Ofcourse, ganja is dogpoo in comparison with heroin or crack but I think the same principals work here. I think you haven't confinced yourself to stop, to stop the old behavior of insane sensations. There is still a bit of intrest.

I am not a drug expert or a doctor and I really don't have the slightest clue of how you feel now, I'm just trying to help.

[nicelymixedup]

Wow somehow what you said was very powerful for me, i feel moved and i felt like i was in a trance when i read it! Mad crazy beautiful moment, thank you for sharing that with me, i think your right when you said about me having lost my faith in sensations not based around drugs, i have, i smoke copious amounts of weed too, im in the same postion with that, so i dont think weed is any differant, in fact many ways harder due to this stereo type of it being a "soft drug" very "choose it or leave it" thats just not trye for some peopls experiences, mines included. I do feel like im being pulled apart, thats exactly it and i dont know what to do i really dont, i try and work it out but it doesnt get any clearer sometimes when i think to much i come to the worst decisions. I know i have a lot of stuff to deal with, family issues, past shit etc, dont we all? maybe not like mine? surely not... people who know me all say,,,,life has been hard..but ive done well etc.what does that mean? is that good or bad know what i mean? Hey thanks for your help, im humbled, i needd someone to bounce off, i really need to hear anothers opinion im really so lost. Thank you friend

[HoldYourColour]

swim can relate, for SWIM a change of scenery helped massively but everyone has their own experiences and swim can count his blessings that it was easy to walk away from without treatment programs for opiate addiction. SWIM almost killed himself accidentally and there is not much bigger a wake up call.

SWIM still hasn't changed in that he still uses drugs weekly (weed or ecstasy by and large, the very occasional psychadelic ), so perhaps swim doesn't have faith in situations without drugs either, but SWIM finds his lifestyle far more manageable. Time is a great healer and whilst SWIM cringe's when he see's opiate abuse now he does still think about it every now and then, but it just brings back bad memories with it too, it's almost like SWIM trained his brain to associate it with a negative that he never wants to associate with it again, SWIM still feels that urge for the high, but all the negatives that surround it (death or ill health being the largest factors) have pushed out the feeling from SWIM

Personally SWIm finds education is a great use too, SWIM set about watching as many documentaries about drugs as possible, most are tragic, there are no happy endings when it comes to the drugs SWIM thinks of as the most dangerous ( opiates, crytal meth, crack). A life without drugs pretty much places you in the realms of the best dopamine response coming from either sex, food or some form of adrenalin rush, SWIMs advice perhaps is to become a fat pornstar bungee jumper

Once you take a drug, you become switched on in your brain to it's effect and you will always know those great feelings you had, that damage is done. Personally SWIM is far happy maintaining what he considers a balanced lifestyle. With opiates you can't just knock it on the head whilst you work all week and it all starts to go wrong. SWIM works hard all week and SWIM earn his fun for the weekend. SWIM will one day have responsibilitiies, hopefully to a wife and kids and will get old.

good luck for the recovery, life's worth living

[nicelymixedup]

holdyourcolour,

thnks it was really interesting what you had to say...its something to reflect on i guess, it always makes me happy to meet people doing better, it reminds m e that it can be done i guess. Its so nice to meet people that understand, i have this relief feeling to have found this site its amazing. I check my posts like every 2 mins lol i want to put up loads of ideas and questions lol but i dont want to piss anyone off either, so im taking it slow still feeling my around.. where are you, im london like it says i guess...ive made alot of great freinds on the net, mostly abroad though.

[Heretic.Ape.]

Posting questions is certainly no problem, but please don't post double copies of your questions in different forums any more ok? Thanks,
h.a.

[HoldYourColour]

SWIM is also London, but SWIM got in to opiates abroad, since returning to london SWIM has never found that scene again (nor wants to ), hence why it was easier to walk away.

SWIMS no role model but swim enjoys life now and doesnt get all depressed and introspective about his drug habits, injecting drugs used to make him feel terrible about himself. Personally SWIM doesn't think he could do methadone either, not as treatment, SWIM learnt how to inject it (scoring from registered users) you see and SWIM doesnt think he'd trust himself. SWIM found the clean break what worked, he misses some friends, the ones who were not in that same drug world but lived in the same locale that SWIM moved away from.

[nicelymixedup]

SWIM says well done. it admirable.

nicelymixedup added 4 Minutes and 28 Seconds later...

im still stuck where i am though..still at square one after everything thats happened...its frustrating

[klaatu]

Hello there.

Well Mr nicelymixedup you seem to speak the same incoherent/deeply-meaningful language as me.

The DF is a rare but very wonderful island of wisdom and sanity on the interwebnet. Stick with it buddy; you can find enlightenment on t'internet.

Klaatu

Originally Posted by nicelymixedup

Hey thanks for taking the time to read, Im quite new to this, so not even sure if i have put my posting in the right damn place! Lol but im gonna give it a go and see what happens after all im safe here, if anything happens and i dont like this little world any more i can just shut down, gosh i wish life could be like that too. Please feel free to give me any tips and sorry if i say or do stuff im not supposed to, im trying really hard to stick to the rules.

So swim is on a methadone programme started on 105mg a day the green stuff, put on alot of weight and doesnt really feel much from 130 -140 these days, can glugg it down like water and has pushed all barriers never before thought breakable, still craves all day long, has totally isolated his self and doesnt know where to turn. Every one knows how bd it got and family sis mum and pops tried their best to help driving him to meetings, clinics etc, the guilt he feels for even wanting to still use is enourmous and every time almosts comes with the excuse that its just to prove he dont like it anymore and cant do it every day, with the piss tests he cant anyway....grrr its all so confusin i could on for ever, .......it the last time ever, so its okay to spend 70 or 90 or 120 its the last time ever again its okay yo spend 50 guess what that last hit was shit, one more time, how come that happens again and again.

Basically he is just lonely and needs to make friends, with stuff in common, he lives in the heart of granny land in west london cause hes movd away from the front line...but still dreams and reminises of old friends and past nights spent up to no good destroying his life as if it where picnics at the sea or fun filled innocent trips to funfairs with fluffy candy and empty pockets? And somehow all new friends happen to dabble in...suprise suprise Heroin. oohh and even a bit of Crack. He used to say he never liked that could take it or leave it, apparently in a needle its completly a differant drug, another world, you step in to a vacuum (not how you spell it know yawnnn) and this thick coating of excitment, stomach flips, mouth watering sensational moments better than the anticiation of any lame cock or pussy for that matter...??

He also knows drugs will kill him, he is daydreaming about diggin his grave, what ever happened to bunny rabbits and candy daydreams... what is his beef with himself....thats the answer...it has to be....

[nicelymixedup]

hey thanks for your reply, im a miss though, dont know i did the whole he thing, it just happened automatically stay in touch, i really need good people in my life at the mo, if you hve it to give, then do stay around

[miffy]

Nicelymixedup. . . I don't know if any advice I can give you is any use, 'cos my life's not much more sorted than yours at the mo. . . but I can certainly relate, if that helps!

It sounds as though you're on a lot of meth there. . . are you on a reduction, or maintainence? I've been on meth a few times, but never managed to stay clean after coming off it. . . although I wasn't always helped much by the services that were prescribing to me. . . troubly I found with meth is that it doesn't do anything about your habit. . . it can stop you using brown, but your habit's still hanging in there, just as bad - or worse, 'cos meth's actually more addictive, so they say, than brown. . . . Just cut out the meth for a day or so & you can see just how strongly your habit's still hanging around. . .

Just a suggestion, but would it maybe worth looking at subutex for a detox?

I've just fallen back into my habit having been clean for about 2 years, tried meth & subutex, morphine, naltrexone, all sorts. . . in the end, what worked for me was getting my habit as low as I possibly could with meth reduction, then sub reduction - then I left town, deleted all the phone numbers of friends who used, went and stayed somewhere else. (with family, I was really lucky they helped me - they gave me loadsa support, though they didn't really understand). Basically, I got my habit as low as I could, got out of town, and got sick. It's never nice, but when I was up & about again I wasn't in an area where I knew people I could score off. . . I made sure I had no cash, did everything I could to make it really difficult to score. . . and still I did, a few times. It took a really nasty OD (heart stopped for 2 mins) before I finally called it quits. . . (btw - if you do relapse after getting clean - you've gotta only do the tiniest fraction of a bag. . . )

I'm not suggesting you try that (!) but maybe if you were to try to get away from people and places that you associate with your habit? I know it's easier said than done, though. . . I don't know about you, but one of the reasons I use drugs seems to be to distract myself from my life & the world around me. . . to stop myself thinking. But there're other things that you can get into which can have a similar effect . . . my list is food, travel, reading, study, friends, love, work, sex. . . whatever works for you. . . you need stuff to keep you busy, and treats you enjoy. . .

Sorry - I s'pose this sounds pretty much like the stuff they come out with in counselling sessions.

The other thing I wanted to say, though, is that it sounds as though you're giving yourself a bit of a kicking. . . maybe being a bit harsh on yourself? Sounds to me as though you've come off a pretty nasty amount of gear to be on so much meth, so you've already made a big step. . . And sure, you're going to get cravings. . . meth just doesn't quite hit the same opiate G-spot that gear does. . . maybe try looking at the cravings as your body kicking up fuss cos it's having to lower it's expectations of what it'll get. . . the cravings are a natural part of the process, they show you're heading in the right direction. . .

As I say - sorry if this isn't much help. I can understand why you're feeling guilty - one reason for this might be that gear hides away your emotions - but it doesn't remove them. . . it just stores them up for when you stop, then they all come galloping back. . . So the guilt's natural, too. . . all this shows the progress you're making. . .

And you're still trying - coming on here and looking for support is a big one. . . For what it's worth, I think you deserve loadsa respect. You've got mine.

[y0ssarianlives]

Is SWIY on a correct methadone dose? If SWIY is still having serious cravings, maybe SWIY needs to up their dose. SWIM is in pretty much the same situation as SWIY; it sounds as if there are some co-occuring disorders such as depression going on. Perhaps giving a psychiatrist a visit might help.

[Ididnotinhale]

Hi nicelymixedup,

Swim feels your pain. Swim like swiy has suicide ideations due to loneliness.

Swim had to move to a new school where he has no friends, he really misses the three days or so a week he would spend smashed with his best friends before changing schools. He looks back on it as the best times of his life.

Swim is extremely lonely and uses drugs whenever he can to help numb him. He sleeps as much as he can since he feels so lonely when awake. He almost feels scared when awake.

Swim now has a serious opiate addiction that haunts his days and is always in his mind. No matter how much opiate is used he never seems to even get high.

If Swiy is still spending time thinking about opiates even while taking methadone, like sarianlives says, swiy might want to try to up his dose.

Personally swim thinks swiy should try to change to suboxone. Most users find suboxone much better, especially to try to come of opiates altogether.

Swiy should talk to a doctor to see if he is a good SSRI candidate. SSRI's really helped out swim with his depression and stopped his anxiety a little. Also propranolol is a good anxiety drug to try it before trying benzodiazepines.
(If Swiy is like Swim he would quickly change from medicinal to recreation use)

If swiy is ever feeling lonely feel free to contact swim.

If swiy made good friends before, he is surely like-able and will surely make new friends in time.

Just remember, loneliness, and depression are temporary.

[y0ssarianlives]

Hey man, to expound on my previous comment...

I'm in the exact same situation as you. I'm on 120 mg of methadone, depressed, now friendless as all my friends were users, living in a small town away from the big city, lost my girlfriend, and now my family. I'm probably going to end up turning back to dope this monday as I don't really give a fuck anymore.

So anyways man, from what I am going through I can just give you this advice. Spit this all out to someone who cares about you and can listen. Just getting it out will help; as much as this is a great online community its not the same as telling it to a friend or loved one who can empathize and comfort you in person.

Everyone you speak to will have SOME advice for you and maybe taking some of that varying advice and trying it from every person you speak to will add up to some sort of difference in your life.

You sound like me, not exactly an outgoing type of person but if you allow extroverts to find you, in sober situations such as meetings, sober clubs, ect, you will develop new friends. Just don't shut people out of your life.

Anyways man the human condition is terrible and beautiful at the same time. There is beauty everywhere you look if you teach yourself to see it. In yourself and other people.

Maybe you need another level of treatment such as inpatient. Although I know that a lot of people don't take that step until forced into it. I know wouldn't be able to check myself in.

But yah. Seek some sort of help. Psychiatrist, counsellings, spiritual advising, inpatient, ect, something