SWIM's mindfucking vision of death, and his subsequent reflection of Death and DMT.

[JackVs]

Where can SWIM begin? It was Thoreau who said that writing your name can lead to writing sentences. And the next thing you'll be doing is writing paragraphs, and then books. And then you'll be in as much trouble as he is! So then, where can SWIM begin to explain what it's like to be SWIM? So that you can stop treating SWIM like a question, but instead an answer. SWIM is suffering from a dreadful clarity that SWIM wishes to share with you, probably at the expense of any little amount of respect you might have for SWIM.

Is it trite of SWIM to expect something to just come along, to come SWIM's way, and give SWIM an answer? SWIM has spent a good long time now, a number of years in fact, trying to discover what might be wrong with SWIM's brain. SWIM hasn't had too much luck. SWIM ran out of questions, out of the answers SWIM thought were the ones to guide SWIM out of this lifelong rut, SWIM gave up. SWIM no longer had input for any of you, not that you might have wanted it anyway, but your repetitive notions of "what it all means" and "where it all comes from" or even beginning a sentence with "i think..." became entirely irrelevant and nonsensical to SWIM.

SWIM turned to his mother after a horrifying vision that SWIM had in late November, and SWIM said to her that SWIM was done hiding from her...that SWIM was done keeping her in the dark about his life and the going ons of his everyday existence. It wasn't that SWIM had wanted to upset her, which SWIM knew might very well have been the outcome, SWIM was just so tired of being dishonest with her, with himself. SWIM really didn't have any other choice.

Obviously in retrospect, knowing that up until that point she had this extraordinary belief in SWIM that SWIM would someday correct the skew nature of his being and out of the ashes of his empty shell SWIM would stand up proudly, clean shaven and handsome, with a big grin on his face proclaiming, "SWIM has done it, SWIM has become what SWIM has always been, except that SWIM was blind and now, now SWIM can see." To say the least, giving her a detailed account of almost everything SWIM had lied to her about throughout his life, was the longest and most meaningful conversation of SWIM's life. This conversation allowed SWIM to understand his mother better than he thinks most will ever even dream of....and this conversation will stay with SWIM, and haunt him forever.

SWIM did have that experience of rising up, although not in the same fantastical manner that she had hoped for. Instead..by the inter-dimensional "brain-eye-hands," it was then given to SWIM by the perceptively alien intervention of basic home chemistry and his pipe. Divine moments of truth, it came to be. It consumed his every thought and function so much that he neglected every other truth that SWIM held dear in his own personal philosophy up to that point, and subsequently, his mind began to fall apart and defragment.

SWIM's struggle with addiction along with his selfish and crude experiments of playing with people's feelings by presenting them with awful misinformation about himself only worsened things. Not that SWIM was necessarily lying at all about any of it, but he certainly enjoyed the pity and the attention of it all, which he's come to realize is almost a universal "human" trait. The control it gave SWIM over people to convince them into thinking his way...was intoxicating and it was undeniable, SWIM's way was the real truth.

SWIM knew that this was the real truth because it couldn't be anything else. Who can argue with a powerful mindbending sensation of actually experiencing and being God himself in the dark cold hours of the night...through this divine truth he had acquired? It sounds like malarky and it probably is, but you can't argue with actually feeling inter-dimensional omnipotence. A complete loss of self, weightless, floating aimlessly in forever and given the gift of building the entire world from scratch. At once impossible to process in his simpleton ape mind, but at once overwhelmingly and strikingly familiar to experiencing every possible moment and place in time in just one instance. These nights of playing sandbox with his existence could only lead to what it had led to, these "sensations" began to find themselves in his everyday reality...

It's true that SWIM makes outlandish claims of his contact with spiritual beings and that these claims are all too frequent, but then again more frequently brushed off by his friends as gibberish or insanity. It is one thing to imagine that he is constantly surrounded by "spirit beings" that are not of our world, but an entirely other spectrum to feel that perhaps they are more real than the fingers on his hand. These "things" are alien to us in our perceptive self created mind-prisons of pretending that being human is somehow a gift, that understanding the fact that we exist and interact with one another enough to generate feelings of depth and meaning....is a so called gift.

It's not a gift, it's just blindness.

SWIM hates to be negative because he generally has a positive outlook, even in the presence of shadowy dreams and nightmares which now seem clearly to be visions of timelessness. SWIM communicated quite clearly with many of his friends that these visions came to him in his dreams and that he was terrified of them because of the death that lingered. On account of at least four people who were with him the night before his mother died, as well as an account to one very close friend a few months back, SWIM described in great detail what these visions were.

Call him psychotic because you probably already are, but SWIM did have these dreams. Call him egotistical/maniacal/ridiculous but SWIM did in some ways see this coming. At the time he was convinced that the death lingering was meant for himself, that it would be SWIM who was made to suffer these grave and unimaginable emotions and pains associated with a freak accidental death. In great detail he explained to some of you the night prior to her death of how SWIM awoke from a terrible dream, only to find himself paralyzed on the floor, hovering above him a black figure of inexplicable dimensions and size....one that had paid SWIM a visit prior and had also made it perfectly clear to him that he was not dreaming when it arrived, but that it purely came across as a dream because of how outlandish and foolish it must have sounded to him when he awoke the next day. Here is the account of his "dream," under the influence of nothing more than a severe flu:

It paralyzed him, and at once SWIM realized it had returned to him this time not with a simple ominous greeting of hovering above him, but now it was physically manipulating his body in a very crude and painful way, one that is eerily and ridiculously similar to the method of his mother's death. SWIM can only imagine that through his self proclaimed conquering of TIME itself that he was given a fair account to the death of the one which gave him life, perhaps as a warning to stop. This haunts him still, and it haunted SWIM tenfold to his core as he lay paralyzed in a similar fashion to the same figure's prior visit, awakening to it's heavy presence above him. Immediately following his realization of its presence SWIM felt a powerful and violent motion to his stomach which began to twist him ragged across the floor, so much so that his legs had somehow found themselves behind his head....twisting him like a garden tap until SWIM was flooding the dried out grass that was his dwelling with blood.

In his vision SWIM next remembers trying to reject this being's conquering of his physical body by simply leaving his body behind. SWIM saw only for a brief moment how he was on the floor, mangled and mutilated right along his torso, and at this sight SWIM ran immediately to the sliding door leading to his balcony, where SWIM was greeted with what at a single moment was the most beautiful view he had ever seen; the earth laden with bright and warm sunlight, and the sky blanketed in the darkness of infinity, it was at once breathtaking and extremely terrifying.

When SWIM gave account of this dream to two of you, you suggested that he go see his mother, SWIM wanted nothing more than to go see her, and at that time...she was still alive, hours from her untimely death, but he felt that she would not have wanted him there. SWIM knows now that she would not have turned him away... SWIM will share the intensity of this memory with you always, and you will be the only other person to account for this being exactly what it is;

a curse on his soul.

[yosepi]

A clarification on this thread for viewers. I had intended to post this entry under this, but I had used a separate browser which was previously logged into by a friend of mine, so unfortunately, the above post was posted under his name....a little too late did I realize this.

My forum skills are obviously not where they should be so I (once again) apologize, but I hope you find insight from my thread regardless.

Reputation Comments on this post:

interesting story

[radio879]

I swear, on this forum with all the "SWIM" nonsense, i get too bored anything swim related and can't concentrate and daze off and look for something else..

Maybe when i'm on some speed and come across again i'll be able to translate

[aerozeppelin123]

Watch out for self-incrimination radio879. Although I agree in a long piece of text, it would be much easier just to say at the beginning, this is what my friend said and then write it all in first person.

[polidelaiko]

Or you can always use Swim a couple times, and them use he/his/him.