Journal - If you scratch my back now I swear I...A personal struggle with addiction

[daeron]

Hi guys


Vincent im glad youre ok and clean...i wish i could say the same for myself.


MrFinger i dont really know how similar is meth addiction to crack,since ive never used crack,i did coke only a few times.The same thing caused my relapse-free fucking dope;andit was a fairly large amount.Anyway today after abusing myself for 4 days and 3 nights i finally throwed the rest down the toilet.Although it seems to be only a mental addiction,my body feels kinda sick without it;the chills,the sweats...twisting and turning in bed with only one thing on my mind;and alcohol doesnt help either it only seems to enhanse my craving.


what are the "symptoms" of H cravings,is it a pure physical need or do you also(like me) spend hours and hours persuadingand lying to yourselves?


sorry ive got to stop writing now,i feel very ill and depressed and ashamed,and im not thinking veryclear either..im sorry for my senseless ramblings

[VincentVan]

I can´t fuckin belive it!!!

I have been writing a posting for the last 2 hours and this bloody page has just erased all the shit.
O God! No . I´ll see if tomorrow I can remember some of it. This really sucks huge time. See you tomorrow. Fuck.

[Apradavra]

same thing happenedon a diff thread theother dayman...wlecome to technology and how much simpiler life is now...shit....


glad your back vinc....


apradavra

[justin77]

Back at you its me. VV it is great to hear that you are doing as good as you are. Yes alcohol I am sure is a much easier drug to manage than just about any other. But then again like everything else it all just depends on what chemicals you have in your brainand where your genes tell them to go and what to do. Like you said before about the guy with the sugar candy addiction. Genetics has everything to do with the addiction disease. Environment very little if any at all. I'm 27 and started out at 15 drinking. My first "high" was off a 6 pack ofbeer. Words cant describe what that feeling was like. Within 2 months I was drinking3 40oz of malt liquor 6-7 times a week. As it progressed in 2 years I peaked at about24-30 beers every other day on topofa little coke habit I hadpicked up because the beerdrinking had started to get old by itself. It was every other day becauseby this time i was getting hangovers and needed a day of rest in between. The coke habit turned to crack within 6 months. Comparing coke to crack is probably very similar to comparing hydro or oxy to heroin.A crack hit is like instantly being invinsible, all knowing, andable todo anything. It is like that because you are actually those things. The comedownonly lastsfor about 6-12 hours but for those hours youare dead. You want to cry but cant because you are rendered completely emotionless(does that make sense). It is the mostawful--horrible feeling you can imagine.But as soon as I got drunk again it was an uncontrollable urge that I couldnt fight.


Somehow in all this i went to college and got a bachelor of science finance degree. That was in 2000. Been working for close to nothing since then and have had many jobs because i cant hold one down. Started going back toschool (pre-pharmacy) but againmy drinking and coke habits destroyed that dream(even though myGPAis 3.42 out of 4 i just couldnt go to class anymore and dropped out). My cousin who was a faithful friend of mine and more like a brother since we grew uptogether had a heart attack and died in his sleep last summer at 26 years old. He had been doing speed right along beside me the whole time but never drank. I have been to 3 detox facilities(state mandated), had a seizure from xanax withdrawal, and constanttrouble with the law. Opiates actually might have saved my life because i seem to be able to function better while taking them as opposed to drinking. I'm not someone who can sit down and drink 10 beers. I tell myself there will be a limit but everytime it gets obliterated and i will drink for24 hoursstraight.This summer i went through a time where i was doing ICE which is ultra potent meth. You smoke it or crush it up and snort it. The Ice lasts much longer than crack so i could stay up for days and drink. How did I not die. The comedown from that is not as bad as crack but lasts for days. Alcohol for me is not a solution to opiate abuse, it was the other way around. At least I can function on the drugs i take now. And my heart isnt constantly being tortured like it used to. Wow i didnt realize how much damage i had done in my life until actually writing some of it down. I went through my wedding coming down from crack and alcohol and on 8mg of xanax. I passed out at the reception. The shame is unbearable.


But as a christian who thouroughly believes everything that is written in the bible and who knows jesus was sacraficed for us and now has risen to become part of god, i know i will go to heaven when i die. I pray you guys will look in to it if you arent christian. I can explain in detail how i know christianity to be the only true religion if you want to PM me i can answer any doubts you have about it very logically.


John 3:16 says it all and is the most powerful and meaningful thing that will ever be written. "For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish, but have eternal life". Notice there are no buts or ifsin it. I get chill bumps reading it. It means so much to me.


Also John 3:18 "He who believes in him(Jesus) is not judged. He who does not believe has been judged already, because he has not believed in the name of the only begotton Son of God"


Simply put....Jesus=heaven/ no Jesus=hell


I'm sorry if i offended anyone but It is my duty to pass this on so more may be saved. I hope to meet you guys in heaven.

[daeron]

Not being able to sleep I had a long talk with the pale face person looking at me from the mirror.I have realised that I wasnt clean at all for the last year,Ive simply started using a variety of other drugs instead of meth,and when the time was right i just cracked.Its amasing how one can lie and decieve himself/herself..


Vincent I have read your lament,and its funny how someone whom Ive never met or will ever meet,can describe the despair and the emptyness I feel right now.I cannot express myself with words,but I do so with music.My girlfriend once asked me how come i cant compose or even listen to happy,uplifting music.Why is it thatalways some gothic or blues disk is spinning in my stereo?I feel that happy tunes arent sincere,they are superficial,synthetic-life isnt nice,it is a bitter cup of sorrow...


hah,I just read the last passage-so depression isin town,the first of the signs of withdrawal,how pathetic can i be?Im feeling sort of ashamed,because you guys slipped only once at the time;i slipped -i dont know how many times during the last 4 days.


Meth must be the most stupid and senseless drug apart from nicotine.It is a lie,and a very good one.And the effects last so long that you think youre normal,sober and when you crash it is like youre sick or something,and the only cure is ..more crystal,up the nose,down the hatch,in your lungs.It is all around me,swim is a ex bee,so he made the shit at first,and later he was buying it for such a ridiculous price you would laugh.And now people are practically forcing me to take more..pushers are such bastards


I have decided to tell my girlfriend about it all,and about my plans to leave the country in the summer,im not going to hide it anymore.


Justin-i do not believe in god,and only strength and hope I can find is in my perseverance;my life is in my hands,not someone elses.I kinda envy you,you have your religion that can keep your hope..but i just dont think that way.


anyway its day one again,at least im reading a lot of poetry,which ive never done before;


same shit,different day


"O how all things are far removed
and long have passed away.
I do believe the star,
whose light my face reflects,
is dead and has been so
for many thousand years.

I had a vision of a passing boat
and heard some voices saying disquieting things.
I heard a clock strike in some distant house...
but in which house?...

I long to quiet my anxious heart
and stand beneath the sky's immensity.
I long to pray...
And one of all the stars
must still exist.
I do believe that I would know
which one alone
endured,
and which like a white city stands
at the ray's end shining in the heavens."


R.M.Rilke(its better in german,but hey...)


PS:


"I have no one to love. I have no home.
There is no center to sustain my life.
All things to which I give myself grow rich
and leave me spent, impoverished, alone."

[Apradavra]

I need time to reply to all that has been said everyone, Justin77, you made some good point about how abuse is abuse is abuse. No matter what drug your using in excess, its abuse. I am currently in my fourth year of college at a state university with a double major while dealing with a double addiction, (benzos/opiates) One of my professors wrote an autobigraphy which i had to read for one of my other Lit course, (one of my two majors) and she was addicted to IV drugs, (MDA! of all things and of course smack) and she is now one of the best Pr.'s i have ever had. Her Autobiography shows how a woman deals with a rough life then becomes a wondeful human being...


Now its my turn i guess, sorry again about my ramble, much more to come, later guys...


apra

[ReBeLKnIgHt]

Wow.....

I cannot tell you how involved each and every one of you have gotten
myself involved in your lives. For the last two hours I have been
reading all of your posts intricately and feel deeply touched.



Where should I begin MY story



I am only 19 years old , and have already had a episode with Coke. I
was addicted, got rid of the habit with counseling, but am 100% sure
that it was not near the experience you go through every day. My dad is
a recovering alcoholic, sober for three months, he had to go away to a
place called "veritas villa" because his addiction ruined our family



I am no one, why should you listen to me. Should you do it for
yourself? Should you do it for your wife? Should you do it for your new
born child? Do it for love.....Do it for Life....Do it to make all
things better

[purplehaze]

As a writer you should know to always save your work after about 30 minutes to an hour of typing and if you can type fast as i can its very important because i dont remember most of the things, anyways back to the subject at hand.


I'm going to start reading this post ive updated myself by reading every word everybody has posted so i know what's going on.


Ok just to start off to introduce myself i too have kicked drug addiction but never anything even close to herion, so with that said i admire you and will do everything within my will that i can to help this cause.


I live in Alabama I'm not to good with langauge as most Alabamaian's aren't lol anyways i consider myself to possess some helpfull knowledge meaning i dont think im a idiot.


The hardest drug i kicked was a benzodiazpine Xanex i had serious withdrawls and i can relate to what your saying on a certain level.


I will try to post more as time comes sorry i got in the "game" late but better late than never huh.


On a good note the song by Mr. Bigg - only if you knew is a great song, i relate to it well as on a certain level i think you will. It's a rap song but listen to the words in it. (he speaks slower than most rappers so you can understand him)


Not trying to hurt anybody or telling you to trade one drug for another but have you ever considered smoking weed as a option to help get you high every once in a while?


This may not help and may be a bad idea but ive been to NA meetings and they have mentioned poly substance abusers and the need to get high. I may be totally out of line by mentioning that sorry if i am, I'm just trying to help.


Ill be reading up on your soon to come post and good luck man as you are concuring something that is extremley difficult little by little.


Oh i almost forgot in one of your post you were worried about your identity being discovered in your first post on this page it mentions your insurance company, just pointing that out.


Anyways Payce and good luck.


Btw glad i copied that because i got this error.
Access Denied
Drugs-forum : Access Denied







Sorry, only members with sufficient permission can access this page.


Sorry, this function is not available as you are using an IP address or range that is not permitted.
Please contact the forum administrator if you feel this is in error.

[MrFinger]

Hey Vincent,
Sorry to hear that your post got the axe before you had the chance to send it out. When I have the time and am at home I usually type my post in a local editor like MS Word or something with a spelling checker… mainly because I always find myself misspelling the same words all the time. I guess that's another bad habit of mine. But also that would help protect you from the Internet forum crapping out on you… then all you have to worry about is your computer crapping out on you. And also, for us non-professional writers, it keeps our spelling looking better… that is if you take the time to make sure the spell-checker doesn't put in the wrong word.
Anyway, wow, this topic has really caught on… awesome. You got a whole army backing you up now Vincent. It's also really good to hear that you are making some big progress in battling your addiction. I hope that you get the time to write again before you go out on your next trip.
I've heard that the withdrawal symptoms from benzo's can be deadly if you don't seek medical help for them. Anyone quitting benzo addiction, please be careful. I've seen people have seizures from the withdrawal... not only does it look like pure hell, but also dangerous. Heroin withdrawal doesn't make most people break out in to seizures the way benzo withdrawal does… I think I said it earlier, for me, it almost feels like trying to hold your breath for a long longtime. Total discomfort along with the flu like symptoms reported in the text books. For me at least, there is a lot of mental craving, especially in the initial stages… wanting to get high, wanting to feel better, wanting to function... and vomiting the whole time. When my body finally gives in and passes out from total exhaustion, I have crystal clear delusions of scoring huge quantities of perfect heroin, I wake up 10 or 15 minutes later and realize that I am in my room still, in my self constructed hell on earth. It feels like I need it like the water, like the air, like I need it to survive… and I am drowning with out it... suffocating. I hope to never re-live the experience again, I still deal with the mental craving, I will always have to deal with it… but I feel a stronger resistance to it everyday. I smoke weed from time to time, take various hallucinogens and still drink. I have been definitely drinking more since quitting, but I don't get hammered every night, and I don't drink during the day… not because I am forcing myself not to, but just because I only feel like drinking at night. I find myself drinking daily but it is not to the point where it causes me any grief… more like a drink a two most nights and more than that a couple time a week.
Hey Apra,
I think I'm gonna be getting that tattoo soon, so I'll be sure to PM you in a little while. Anyway gotta go hit the road, later,
MF

[daeron]

...day 4.still shaking.But work is the cure..work work work.Untill you drop.At least I changed my avatar from a amph molecule to something more appropriate.


Its a cover from a Irvine Welsh`s book.How do you like it?

[Apradavra]

Mr. Finger, VincentVan, justin77, daeron??? Anyone out there????

Breaking my habits is breaking me into bits...

"I feel like Im knocking on heavens door...."

Someone?

here is a lil of my poetics....

I have an addiction
I’m addicted to you
I sweat when I have you near
Ifear deeply knowing you’ll be gone
I have an addiction
You are a drug
You’re my drug
I lay useless, knowing you’re not near
I can’t fall asleep thinking of your passing warmth
I wake in hopes we may meet again
The mornings drag with stale smoke and cold coffee

I miss when it was you and I
Full of confidence
Full of ourselves
Living surreal in a dream long past

But like any addiction
You began to wreck my life
And somewhere along the route of time
We had to say ‘Goodbye’

[dstyle347]

damn,
it's miserable and lonely in our world. makes you wonder why how you
chose to pass the time really matters. i lived once, it was great, i
was a 20yr old army ranger. perfect body, hair, whatever, i cant get
that back. now i get my kicks through incredible things that some men
may never know. you know what though, it's all a lie.. everday
away gets better but it's hard to get used to the "normal" perception
of better. It hurts and it's hard but we all must realize that being
dead (like i and many others are) can feel good but to be alive is
bliss. Even if this is only an idea, pursue it. Pursue it like you
pursued the relief from pain or the high that now controls you. Take
life 10 times a day instead of poison once, twice or three times a day.
Sobriety isn't a great rush or euphoric but it has an energy, an energy
that creates wonderful feelings and increases over time. I have lived
it and envy all that do. My chickenshit ass does'nt even have the right
to post inspiration. Everyone has there time, if you pay attention
you'll realize yours when it comes. At that point you have a decision
to make and if you chose to follow your instincts and rejoin the world
let me leave you with this one fact... YOU CANNOT DO IT
ALONE!!! Seek, run, find, search for help, it's out there. No
forum will save you, go find someone to help you. If there is no one
look harder, there is always someone. Hypocrisie seems to be the theme
here so I am sorry to recommend advice from "the grave" so to speak.
It's just an internal need to justify and alert myself that it's time
to get back to life.

[dstyle347]

vv hit us back, a lot of people still read your story. I would say it's your responsibility to encourage and coach those with the help and advice that you yourself once sought.

please forgive the double post

[VincentVan]

Hi guys
Yes, I´m still alive, and I´m really very sorry I´ve been away all this time ( must be 8 or 9 days at least), and yes Dstyle is absolutely right: I know I owe you, but I really had to run away for some days, I felt I was going to crack any time, so I took advantage of the long danish easter holidays and I just drove away.

What really pushed me over the edge was that a couple of weeks agoI very nearly managed to kick it. I had been sent on an assignment a bit longer than usual and when I came back my daily dose of methadone was down to 7mg a day , a level where it had´nt been for more than a year. I felt good. Strong, motivated. Fuck I was sure that was it. In about a week I would have dropped to 0mg. I was starting to see an end to my nightmare. I started to see peopleand sometimes I even enjoyed their company.I could see I was slowly becoming a normal person, doing normal things you know, and I liked it, I had just started to enjoy it. But then...

I don´t even have a decent excuse. I still don´t know how it happened really. My wife went to visit her granny for a week end and she took my daughter with her. I had some work to do, but basically it was just to write some comments to a few pictures and I was finished in less than two hours. It was a beautiful day. I showered , dressed up, jumped in the car, lowered the rag top, wore my shades and to the sound of "Beggars Banquet" I drove to town. It was a bad idea.

After a couple of drinks in my usual bar I felt I was missing something and it did´nt take me long to realize what. I think I tried to resist for a while but not for very long. After all if I had resisted those two weeks I couldresist again right? After all it´s just this one time is´nt it? After all... you know the rap. Yea, I bet you do.

Well, soon after I was back to the warm, sweet, sick, numbing embrace of this possessive and monstruose lover of mine. Back to the sensations I knew , to the indescribable comfort that only this eraser of feelings can give. I must admit that it felt good but just until the evening was over. The first light of the day after surprised me on the highway trying to get back home. Trying not to crash the car again, to avoid being stopped by passing patrol cars (where the fuck are they going this time of the day?), trying to keep my eys open and trying not to puke on my leather seats. God I felt shit.

All my guilt, my self hate, my sense of uselessness came back with a vengeance and hit me stronger then ever. I knew I had to get out of there. The sooner the better . I slept uneasily a few hours and when I woke up I started to pack straight away starting with the rest of the methadone of course.That same day when mywife came back I told her that I had to leave again (my job has a few advantages i must admit) and I went to ski for aweek in a town on the italian Alps where I still have a few good old friends.It was great . Sun , snow , sport, good friends, good fun, everything . Time flew, but of course I missed my women so two days ago I came back home but just to pick them up. The day after tomorrow, march the 30th, we are flying back for two more weeks.

A few hours ago I took 10mg of methadone (down from 35), and when we come back I want to be as clean and pure as the snow of the fuckin´ Alps. Wish me luck because these are the last holydays I can take until the end of the year. It´s now or never. I just have to resist tomorrow and right now I think I´ll manage that.

I´m sorry if I´m running away all the time; but right now I really need some place to hide away. Some place where my crave would´nt manage to find me. I must keep repeating to myself that I have a daughter now. A family. As incredible as it may seem , they count on me. I must be strong. I must be a father. I wish I would have a God to pray, but I have only myself. Shit.

Good night my friends. I hope to log on tomorrow evening.

All the best. You deserve it.

your VV

" Every dog has his day,- and a good dog -
just might have two days - " Thomas Pynchon ( Vinland)

[Apradavra]

vincent,


my friend,


I am almost in identicle shoes. I basically told my clueless and wonderful girl everything. I told my non using friends who never knew, i told them what i look like when Im high, how i act...they all already knew. Just not this extent....I tried shooting K-4 dilaudids and Oxycodone HCL. I only ever had an eating/sniffing habit...When i pulled that needle out of my arm, i knew this all had to be over. So the next day to ward of sickness which i was scared shitlesss of, I took 5-60mg MS contins. Then the next day took 25mg of methadone, 22.5mg of Mdone the next, 20 the next, and 5 today. Im helping my sleep with drops of chloral hydrate and benzos. I told all my dealers to keep off me, and I settled all my debts...One of them almost seemed irritated i told him it is truly over. But i am only on day 5, but my girl knows everything to look for now, (she used to be so innocent, i would tell her i took benzos when i was loaded) and ifI begin again shes leaving me....so i need a little scratching too


Good luck vincent, when you and I speak again....we both shall be as clean and pure as the snow of the fucking alps....best wishes to all....


Apradavra

[justin77]

Dam good news VV. Itsounds like you've got your demon against the ropes and are winning. He got a good shot in when you slipped up after the bar, but you didnt let up and now he's about to go down. Dont let up now for anything, finish the fight. The alps sound like a great place to be....................


And Apra hell yea man your situation sounds great. Think about what being sober will feel like. I bet its unreal freedom. Just like Vincent you need to not let up, lick it for good.


As for me, I'm still doing the same shit but I'm feeling really strong feelings that i want to quit. I'm tired of not being in control. I'm gonna go the taper route. But instead of sticking to a taper schedule I'm gonna quit CT. Then when I feel like I cant take it anymore i'll take 20 mg's or so. Then force myself to hold out as long as possible again. i think this will be the best method for myself.


Stay strong yall

[LordMaul]

Impressive. "Vincent," I kicked it, same as you will. Sure,
its hell. Take it one day at a time, and just think about all the
benefits...you know they're almost countless compared to what? Feeling
good?



The pain will only last a little while. After that, you're home
free. It WILL go away. Its not much more than being sick,
and once you kick the sickness, you'll be well again. Forever.



Other than that, there's not much more to say.

[Apradavra]

Well guys....


Its day 6? maybe 7? and this mother fucker is down to 2.5 mg's of done, after dropping from 25 to 22.5 to 20 to 5 to 2.5... tomarrow shallbe nothingand yea.... It was not pain free.... I didnt want this to be. I want thisto hurt. I want to know why i no longer want to use this peice of shit substance, and be a pawn...A fucking pawn! To a drug? A Lover? To something what will never give me anything back. But take and take, and when I washigh, I couldsmile at peoples jokes, I could live life "normally", most people dont even know that I was a fucking an addict. But i cheated alot of people who actually cared, and i cheated myself out of chances which may never come again...I guess we live, we learn.


Tomarrow I am going right off methadone. No 2.5 in the morning, no methadoneif it happens to hurt. I cant take this anymore, my friends want the real ME back, My girl misses who i used to be. I have an excitement and energy i havent known in literally years...YEARS of using....wasted years....fucking sad...but I am not dwelling on it...i learned a few things along the way, I met alot of bad people, but on the same note, i met some very true people. Good people, my kind of people, the ones i would consider real friends....


Vincet, Justin77, Mr Finger.....


I want to thank each and everyone of you. It was your words which helped me realize i was not alone, and i wasnt the only one fighting a hidden demon. Thank you.....


Music helped me more than anything.... Certain songs make me WANT to use. Mr Brownstone by GnR, Heroin by Lou Reed, among many other.... then i read of all fucking things...Scar tissue by anonthy keidis, he was at a rock bottom, i now know i will never know. You guys should check out certain Chili Pepper lyrics (Under the Bridge, Cant Stop, among many others.) "Breaking the habit" by lincoln park whom i usually dont care for told me certain inaliable truths. Of all things, Music helped alot. And i began riding my bike to my grad classes. Excercise guys, itworks.So did telling the people who actually cared about me. The people who i lied to for so long, the people who never really knew. I had friends who were just friends while high....I havent seen any of them in a while...I wonder why??? There is a quote "Ill be your lover, Ill be your friend, Ill be anything, When Im high"...and that is no longer who i will be.


Today i had an eternity symbol tattooed on mybody, its a location i will see every day of my life. It will tell me everyday this drug is with me forever....There can never again be another Joy Bang without a habit....cause it doesnt work like that....Its finally fucking over....


and if my dumb ass can quite...i know you can as well.....


thank you,


everyone, thank you soo much....

[dillydude]

Hey all ,it's been awhile for me on this forum for the reason that I was usually reminded of the past . What I mean is that I would think of the urge to get high or just wanna use real bad.


Recently I' ve been smoking weed and hash to passify or rather maintain some peace of mind. I did find that this has been a bit usefull in the mental cravings for the rush and that oh so pleasant state of euphoria.


Well as of last nite I dropped the pipe and picked up the needle again, and indulged on dillys, crack, and coke. I survived an I.V. salad that I probably should'nt have endured for as long as I did. As a result I am very sure that I've lost the most important things in my life, my family, which are my kids and my perfect wife.


So I'm feeling a little , no , make that alot down right now , cause I took away in 12 hours, what had taken 14 years to build.


So now my question is to you people was I tryin to kill pain or, am I in love with my vein. Cause my wife does'nt thinkthat i love her, or our kids.


AAAAAhhhhhhhh but if the shoe was on the other foot , well.


help


IN PAIN, and in pain. dillydude

[daeron]

I slipped again...and again.So somehow Im ashamed to post here.and im too proud to ask for help,and i found no understanding from my(now ex)girlfriend,and my closest friends are fighting deamons of their own...plus swij gave me a bunch of methylaminorex pills which are LOOKING at me.damn.


and the worst part is that now im crowded with work,and ironically speed does help to get the work done.


"Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television. Choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players and electrical tin openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol, and dental insurance. Choose fixed interest mortgage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends. Choose leisurewear and matching luggage. Choose a three-piece suit on hire purchase in a range of fucking fabrics. Choose DIY and wondering who the fuck you are on a Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing, spirit-crushing game shows, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pissing your last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked up brats you spawned to replace yourselves. Choose your future. Choose life... But why would I want to do a thing like that? I chose not to choose life. I chose something else. And the reasons? There are no reasons. Who needs reasons when you've got heroin?"


well i guess it my time to choose..





PSApra,Vincent i wish you all the best,stay strong

[Apradavra]

Thank you daeron....


Today is april first. I have gone nearly a week without any meds to help ease this transition in my life. And that is what this is; my time to become the man whom my girl used to know, and misses very much, to be the son to my mother i should have been for these last several years, and to be a proper friend to the people who have been there for me when i was down....you really find out who your real "friends" are..... This is my transition...


My eating and sleeping patternsare horrendeously messed up. Mybowelsare finally coming solid again. (sorry bout that description but ihated the squirts)I no longer sweat at night, and in all fucking reality, and this is coming from myself, I feel fucking amazing. I never, thought i could/would kick...ever. I tried so many times, so many fruitless times, but everytime i was cleaning up for someone else. Now I am cleaning up for my friends, family, girl, andMYSELF..... And i really dontremember a timewhen life felt this good to be sober...


Im still smoking pot daily, if i didnt have my nuggets, this would have been much more difficult. Even though for the first few days i was WD'ing, the erb didnt even get me high....Erb that sells for $400 an ounce sometimes more....wasnt getting me high. And on my sixth day i smoked a little in the AM, "and holy fuck man, i got stoned" as hunter thompson has said.


My sleep habits will get back into their usual constraints. It will take time, i know this.I have been gettin roughly 2 hours of sleep a night without a sleep aid, and about 5-6 with strong sleep aid, Trazadone... My eating habits as well are bouncing around the clock, but then again, I had a monkey on my back who would bite real hard if i didnt feed him for the last several years...With that monkey gone, i feel like i came back from a long road trip.... Time to rediscover the Mani used to be and everyone loved so much.... Time for my own stomach to tell me when to eat, not the fucking monkey!


I wish everyone the best...as i said, if YOU want to do this, its possible, and it will not be painless. I wanted to hurt, and sweat, and kick my legs all night, just so i know the poison was leaving my body.


Good Friends (the kind who care about you weather you are high or not), Good Music, Positive Environments, and lots of physical activity...all of this was invaluable to me during the past ten or so days... I dont even remember when i last got high, just proves how "fun" that was. I feel like a new man, I feel like who i used to be, My friends, my girl, basically everyone who i told keeps telling me how i am looking better everyday, and i beleive them, cause each day is easier than the day previous. One Day at a Time guys, one day at a time.


Vincent, justin77, Mr Finger,daeron.....


i really dont know how to say this without sounding superficial, but by coming to this thread it made me realize i was not alone. I knew people were addicted somewhere out in this sad world, but i never was able to meet them, hear their cries, their storys, the tales about their own scar tissue. It helped, fuck....if you guys only knew how much this all helped... No amount of words will ever express the gratitude Im feeling for every single element which helped me end this sad part of my life. I feel human again....I can cry when i get sad, or even happy, I can feel truly elated when something makes me smile, its not just my doped chesire smilingmask which could go though the motions, but not truly feel, anything. Thank you.


Life is fucking good.......


"causeI don't ever want to feel
Like I did that day
Take me to the place I love
Take me all the wayyayaya.....


Under the bridge downtown
Is where I drew some blood
Under the bridge downtown
I could not get enough
Under the bridge downtown
Forgot about my love
Under the bridge downtown
I gave my life away..."





I am no longer under any bridges, i hope the bestfor all of you....


Apradavra

[Apradavra]

I AM CLEAN!!!!!






THANK YOU VINCENTVAN, Justin77, Mr. Finger, thank you all for your support, though we never met. Im goin on four weeks, i was getting dope rubbed in my face everyday for the first two weeks, i just seperated myself from that scenerio, from those people. People who care, will care, weather your high or not....and I AM FUCKING CLEAN! and life is real, realgood guys.....


THANK YOU ALL!


Apradavra.


ps. Im not sure how often Ill be on here anymore, i began my physical training again, and my grad classes all of a sudden became much easier, i wonder why? All I may ever know, is I WILL NEVER GO BACK, to the person those fucking narcotics made me. I got too much life to live......thank you all again

[Apradavra]

CLEAN!!!......

[dillydude]

Day 41 clean, without any weed,hash,liquor,nothing at all.


Reading your posts have really helped me too.


Thanks all you guys.Edited by: dillydude

[daeron]

Apra all the best,man..


well I may join the talk as well-clean for 11 day now,but still feeling the urge for a line,a lungful.and the fuckn insomnia is back.


Dillydude,man thats the way to go!Reading your post ive realised the fact that i havent been completely clean for ages,years in fact.When I say clean i usually mean i havent done the bloody shit im addicted to for a while but there is always some less addictive drug laying around...yknow what,im gonna trythe complete cold turkey!And fuckit im quitting meththe last time,even if it kills me().When i emailed this decision of mine to my best friend,he said something like aw man youre quitting for 5yrs...well NO MORE!


PS dillydudei hope you have sorted things out w your family,stay strongand all the best