What should I do about my girlfriends occasional cocaine use. I want her to stop.

[amoremio]

hello, im new to this forums, i'm not sure what SWIM means but i will refer to her as SWIM,

I recently moved to a different country, i've been dating swim for 7 months and we love each other very much. swim tried cocaine 4 days after i moved and lied to me about doing it for about 3 weeks. Swim not only tried it, but bought 3 or 4 grams with a friend. When i found out, swim still denied but later confessed everything. Now swim tells me she will never do it again without telling me, and doesnt want to put our relationship in jeopardy. (The lying part really got to me.)

My curiousity is, since i already confronted swim about it, and we've turned that chapter of our lives; i dont really feel like asking specific details to swim anymore.

Swim tells me she enjoyed the high very much, but since the incident and the lying i've lost some trust on swim; im curious to know if she can be trusted since the avaiability of coke is very easy in the country she lives in, she's been forgetting alot of things recently and i want to know how many lines, swim was a first timer would have done per time she tried it. 3grams is roughly 25-30 lines for a first timer? Would it be easy for her to stop doing it if the relationship is in jeopardy or is the high so good she would do it behind my back without me knowing and just stop while we're together? Honesty is the most impotant thing in the relationship and i dont want to deal with lack of trust in a long distance, we really love each other very much and plan to spend 2 months together in the summer, would an intensive blood test show any trace of coke or E?

Please help, im just trying to get into the mind of a first timer and to find out if the urges for the high would be stronger then the relationship. And if swim means what she said; that she will stop and not do it again.

This is a very confusing question and sorry for maybe phrasing it wrong, if you have any questions about the situation to make it easier to answer, please post and i will try my best to facilitate.

ty so much.
-amo

Reputation Comments on this post:

interesting thread

[Metomni]

Why do you want her to stop? Legal reasons? Health? Personal preference?

[chinpokomaster]

A gram is between about 8 and 16 lines depending on who you are. For a non-regular user, a blood test will show up if they've taken any in the past few days, for a regular user, the past few weeks.

[amoremio]

Originally Posted by Metomni

Why do you want her to stop? Legal reasons? Health? Personal preference?

She has high blood pressure issues and i rather not have her take it really. swim is a very passive person and manipulative, it might really get the best of her. But main reason really being while we're dating i rather have her not taking anything.

[ReAlitY-HoLds-NonE]

SWIM has a friend who does alot of coke.. and considers him utterly untrustwrothy,.. he'll do nice things here and there, but ultimatly, not being paranoid he does have side agendas. He often expects alot more in return, and steals whenever the oppertunity arises. cocaine doesnt do nice things to nice people if they do it alot... Your GF could well be trsutworthy i wouldnt know, but SWIM beleives that the high isnt that great to put a relationship in jeopardy. If one is able to tell if she is lying, then ask her if she had ever done it before, if she hasnt, trust her... if she wants to continue drug use, ask her about trying diffirent substances (E isnt a bad drug, it doesnt damage peoples personalities)... also, consider other party drugs, like psychadelics... if she is adament in her usage of substances, give her alternatives to the less harmful ones

[BlondieUK]

If she bought that much it wouldn't have been her first time.

However she only lied to you because she realised you'd react that way if you found out.

You see it's as much your fault as her fault that she lied, you need to make her feel comfortable enough with you in your relationship that she wouldn't be scared of confiding in you.

Let her have her fun and discuss it with her, if she wants to do it, best thing to do is keep an eye on her, if you tell her not to she'll just want it more.

[amoremio]

it wasnt all bought at the same time.

She shared a g with 3 friends on her first night and then on the next week a g with her best friend and the last week another g.

I'm opened to her experimenting but that means once or twice, lying to me about it for an entire month and doing it three to four times means she is enjoying it too much; which isnt my personal preference really in the relationship, she acts strange and forgets a lot of things. things just arent the same when shes taking it so i prefer without it.

I told her how i felt about it, i agree that was one of the reasons she didnt tell me, but it wouldve been easier if she had then lied to me for a month about it.

There really is no need for her to be doing it.

thanks for the advise tho, anything helps really,

[Fight Club]

NIK agrees with BUK; even if it wasn't all purchased at once, his gut tells him it wasn't her first time. Unfortunately, my friend NIK, being an ex cocaine addict, his gut also tells tells him that she will lie about her continued usage if a) she thinks she can get away with it, and b) it's not hurting her (in her opinion, that is).

NIK thinks drug testing is a bad idea as well; it won't foster trust in the relationship and if she is still using that will only evolve into a cat and mouse game.

NIK thinks the best thing to do is to observe her behavior. If she continues to be furtive, forgetful, and anxious regarding the topic, it's probably time to move on. SWIY can't control her behavior, especially from afar.

FC

[BlondieUK]

Let her do her own thing, look at how you're reacting, it's no wonder she hasn't told you.

Really, from what you've said, she's just having fun with a few friends, 6 grams over the course of 3 seperate weekends is really nothing to worry about.

It doesn't sound like she has a problem at all, if you act like she does you'll just alienate her and push her away.

Just my .2c

[truth]

ask her why she does it. then try to understand where she is coming from. Tell her why you feel it is bad. And have a normal calm conversation... If she continues to do coke then so be it. Either you must accept it or move on.

[amoremio]

Originally Posted by truth

ask her why she does it. then try to understand where she is coming from. Tell her why you feel it is bad. And have a normal calm conversation... If she continues to do coke then so be it. Either you must accept it or move on.

This was definitly her first time.

cant she just quit for us move on? or is that too hard

she told me she has already quit and i believe her; its just since i never took it i dont know how good it feels, but im curious if it feels too good to put a good relationship in jeopardy because of it.

[ReAlitY-HoLds-NonE]

No drug is.. thats all SWIM has to say.. While every drug holds great euphoria for each individual, with cocaine being a more physical euphoria, thats all they hold, euphoria. Any individual capable of thought beyond a few seconds can realize that drugs are not worth putting a relationship they value on the line. The question you should be asking is, is the relationship she is in valued by her?

[chinpokomaster]

"You can turn your back on a person, but never turn your back on a drug"

Good old Hunter S.

[truth]

Originally Posted by amoremio

This was definitly her first time.

cant she just quit for us move on? or is that too hard

she told me she has already quit and i believe her; its just since i never took it i dont know how good it feels, but im curious if it feels too good to put a good relationship in jeopardy because of it.

If she really loves you and it was her first time, yes she should be able to move on. We are all different though so i should not be speaking for her. Drugs do feel good to people and can become close to a person. Don't put your relationship in jepordy for it though. Try to understand and talk about it in a mature way. When it comes to drugs often people tend to get very mad and yell or bash on one another. Drug convos are the hardest for SWIM because the other side always is the opposite of how SWIM thinks. Im sure you both have valid points and will work everything out. Best of luck =)

[BlondieUK]

It sounds like she just wanted to try it out, it's not a big deal?

You're acting like she has a habit or something, trying coke a couple of times over a few weekends does not equal addiction.

Obviously this is why she didn't say anything to you, you're really overreacting.

Why not share half a gram with her so you can at least see what the fuss is? And then agree that if one of you wants some, you should speak to the other about it first or something.

Don't alienate her or she'll walk!

[bcubed]

Amoremio, I can't really judge what your experience/expectations of other's drug use is, as all your posts are on this one topic. I don't know if SWIY is a regular user, abstainer, or former user.

In any event, my lizard would strongly urge you not to create an ultimatum over the issue. You've made it clear you don't like cocaine use; now you have to let SWIher make her own decisions. The WORST thing you can do is to check up on her/drug test her/etc, because she'll either choose the drugs over you or give up for your sake and grow to resent you for it.

Lizard happens to be in a relationship with an alcoholic; both he and she know it. He decided straight out he wasn't going to be the "look for hidden bottles/smell her breath when she comes home" kinda guy; he accepts her use and (at present) it's acceptable for him; at some point, it may not be, and he then has to decide whether to revise his standards or leave. If she WANTS to quit, he'll be there, but he doesn't really feel it's his job to save everyone.

Perhaps it's the fact that he had an alcohol dependency issue of his own that gives him this perspective, but the resentful partner or spouse is a "proven" losing proposition!

(Yes, I know lizard is extraploating a bit--alcohol to cocaine--but he feels reasonably confident this advice is applicable across the board w/r/t drugs.)

Reputation Comments on this post:

	Good advice :)
	good advice
	you speak great words -truth

[burgerman]

Call me jaded, but I think if she's lying to you about her drug use and being all secretive there is a strong possibility she will end up cheating on you with another guy. That guy will be in the secretive little world she's keeping from you right now.

[amoremio]

thanks guys/girls i think i got the answers i needed it.

It's a personal choice of mine not to try coke; it really goes against some principles and i would only look like a hypocrite if i do it now; but i will talk it over with her, i rather if she didnt take it herself...i dont know maybe im being stupid or something, but its a turn off to me. I keep picturing her snorting it in some bathroom or something since she told me she never did it at home

About the fidelity, she really doesnt have a reason to cheat; this thread makes me turn out to be a person im not in reality, just pointing out my views on the subject matter. But if it happens, it happens and its done with. Coke on the other hand not only harms the relationship but it could harm her if she continues with the habit and to me that is worst.

I will talk it out with her, trust me, i sound like im over reacting here but i never confronted her in the way or expressed so harshly like i have written in this thread. It is true tho, it did piss me off the fact that she lied to me, she said it wont happen again but if it does..hell then i guess i got to move on.

[Solinari]

If someone is addicted to cocaine (or crack) then they will start to show severe mental and physical deterioration that should be apparent in their appearance and behaviour.

I am unsure about a thing or two though, if this was the first time it was used (4 days after you moved) then how would it come up in a discussion in the first place unless cocaine use was expected?

Personally i think a lot of drugs can completely destroy a relationship and if some one is addicted and hiding it then they WILL continue to use and if they continue to use and hide it, then they will lie about it. Frankly i am unsure if cocaine can cause the same kind of addiction, physical addiction that something like heroin can, i do know that they probably can't just stop without any help and get on with it. I am talking about regular daily use that has been going on for some time and withdrawal symptoms will compel some one to use more.