A good friend made me promiss to quit cannabis.

[exItus]

This might be immature and whatnot of me, but I feel the need to whine about this.

SWIM's strongly straightedge best friend (I'll call her Ang) called out SWIM today and cried for SWIM to stop smoking weed. After an hour long conversation that just kept going back and forth between "smoking weed is stupid and will harm you in the long run" and "smoking weed is just something to do and won't harm anyone in moderation", SWIM ended up promising that she would try and stop. (Which she regretted the moment she said it.)

Despite only smoking once (or less) a week, and having come off a month-long break from weed, Ang is convinced that SWIM is already mentally addicted to weed. SWIM will not lie to Ang, but the next time Ang finds out that she's still smoking, Ang will think her suspicions confirmed.

SWIM is quite annoyed at the whole situation, but it's just not something she can brush off. She doesn't know if she should give Ang a heads up when she smokes up later this week, or wait until god knows when and tell her, "oh yea, remember that time I promised I'd stop? Well I got high a week later."

Has anyone ever had a problem like this? What are your experiences with disapproving, significant figures in your life?

[x cynic x]

Should Swiy let their friend make decisions for them? Swim wouldn't. Is Swiy's friend a bit intolerant to Swiy's personal opinions? Swim thinks so. Swim would be honest and tell their friend that they are being overly judgmental and that also that, just like everything else, there are positive and negative sides to smoking. Say that Swiy'll consider said friend's advice but personally Swim has to be able to choose how to live his own life, he hates people who push great amounts of influence and persuasion upon others.

[beentheredonethatagain]

it sounds like one or the other. either stop smoking and keep this friend or keep smoking and loose a friend. tough call, and I admire the fact that you aren't going to lie to her.

sometimes what people don't know , won't hurt them.

[kaczynski]

SWIM says: if she is SxE, she is incapable of rational, logical thought and thus should be ignored at all costs

[juanathan]

rather than play her silly games, why don't you (or, someone who isn't you) smoke some more weed and make really fun, exciting, new friends, and then let Ang decide if the friendship lives or dies?

[Paracelsus]

Depends on your priorities. If your relationship with Ang is important to you, you would prove her point by preferring weed over the relationship with her, since that would confirm psychological addiction. If Ang isn't really important to you, the decision would have been easy, but then you wouldn't have posted this thread.

Reputation Comments on this post:

dawg its right in . you said it

[exItus]

Originally Posted by x cynic x

Swim would be honest and tell their friend that they are being overly judgmental and that also that, just like everything else, there are positive and negative sides to smoking. Say that Swiy'll consider said friend's advice but personally Swim has to be able to choose how to live his own life, he hates people who push great amounts of influence and persuasion upon others.

SWIM has been trying since day 1 to convince Ang that there is a positive side to weed. It hasn't worked yet. SWIM is also probably going to go with the "let me live my own life" front, but is worried that it sounds selfish of her--Ang is, as far as she's concerned, 'only trying to help'.

Originally Posted by beentheredonethatagain

sometimes what people don't know , won't hurt them.

Amen to that. SWIM didn't have the heart to tell Ang that she had just smoked up a couple hours before the conversation. But word has an uncanny way of getting around.. people that SWIM doesn't even know are popping up asking her for a lighter.

Originally Posted by kaczynski

SWIM says: if she is SxE, she is incapable of rational, logical thought and thus should be ignored at all costs

Haha, perhaps I shouldn't have used 'straightedge'. Ang probably doesn't even know what SxE is; she just doesn't drink or do drugs or anything. She's naive to the point that it's irritating.. she didn't know that pot was marijuana! Geez. If she hadn't somehow figured it out, she probably wouldn't have confronted SWIM in the first place.

On another note, I do know some SxE people who are pretty cool. :3

Originally Posted by juanathan

rather than play her silly games, why don't you (or, someone who isn't you) smoke some more weed and make really fun, exciting, new friends, and then let Ang decide if the friendship lives or dies?

SWIM doesn't have the heart to do that.. we've been friends for 12 years; we're practically sisters. Stoner/drinking friends /are/ more fun to hang out with on the weekends, but SWIM can't give up the second home that is Ang's place.

Originally Posted by Paracelsus

Depends on your priorities. If your relationship with Ang is important to you, you would prove her point by preferring weed over the relationship with her, since that would confirm psychological addiction. If Ang isn't really important to you, the decision would have been easy, but then you wouldn't have posted this thread.

Exactly. This dumb dilemma is all that SWIM has been able to think about lately, and now she can't concentrate on anything else. (A cigarette worked wonders for studying, though.)

Thanks for all the replies. Even if a perfect solution doesn't fall out of the sky, knowing there are people out there that cared enough to post has lifted my mood. : )

[kaczynski]

SWIM was joking around with that comment, by the way. This is a tough situation, and one that SWIM has found himself in a several occasions. SWIY really just has to decide which is more important, the friend or the drugs (assuming SWIY doesn't want to lie to her). In SWIM's case, he chose the drugs, and it certainly got him A TON of drug friends which, as you said, are always fun when the weekends roll around. But can SWIM count on them when he needs someone to talk to? Are they gonna come hang out if there aren't drugs involved? Not likely. Take it from SWIM, if you don't already have good friends who happen to be drug users, it's important to hang on to some friends that you don't use drugs with.

[beentheredonethatagain]

woah eaz up, on the eyes , paragraphs please

[sweetsugar]

I personally think if your friend is a real friend s/he would take you as you are, or what you do - not being made to choose between! wheres the respect and understaning in a friendship? fairdoos on s/he stressing worry or perhaps trying to advise or share opinions. Of course if theres medical and/or mental issues i appologise.

[Graduisic]

SWIM has a girlfriend whom he has tried to smoke with before, and she just does not enjoy it, and she fails to understand why anyone would. swim and her went through years of conflict on the subject and the "what they don't know won't hurt them" idea worked for awhile, but as a relationship progresses, you realize that you can't hide a damn thing. at that point, the following questions need to be asked:

-Is the drug hurting/affecting the relationship?
-Does the drug control your life or actions?
-Is marijuana a strong enough subject to make or break the relationship?

If the answer is yes to any of these questions, then regardless of addiction, if you want the relationship to continue, then either the pot goes, or consequently, you go. if the answer is no (by both parties, sometimes you yourself can't see what a drug does to you so if your partner or your friend sees something, then there's obviously legitimate cause for concern), then a compromise has to be reached.

swim's girlfriend and him have been together for over 5 years. they found marijuana to be quite possibly the last thing in the world worth throwing a hissy fit over. his girlfriend learned tolerance, and swim learned moderation. everyone came out ahead.

two life philosophies coming together to form a relationship are a lot like a car crash; either the collision causes both vehicles to become stuck together despite their differences, or the collision causes one or both cars to bounce away from the point of the crash.

most people are smart enough to evaluate the truth of their relationship themselves, it's just a matter of whether or not you want to face the truth

[Alfa]

Does the cannabis use cause any problems at all?
Has SWIY changed a lot in recent time or are there other things that Ang may dislike and contribute to cannabis use?

If not then this seems to be the real cause of the problem:

Originally Posted by exItus

She's naive to the point that it's irritating.

It might be worth while to address that she is making judgements and basing very rough decisions on something she knows absolutely nothing about.

Reputation Comments on this post:

que bueno

[Mona Lisa]

She is being judgmental but she obviously cares about you. While it's fun to know people who completely accept you as you are (and your drug use), I think it's even more important to have at least one friend who actually is concerned and has your best interests at heart. If nothing else, she will serve as an anchor to keep you from going off the deep end.

I was once in love with a guy who would have completely disapproved of my interest in drugs. As I loved him so much, I would have been willing to go on the straight and narrow for him. It would have been part of the package deal, part of the 'contract'. Getting high would have been a deal breaker with him. But the 'rules' had been made quite clear so there was no manipulation going on.

I'm married to someone who completely lets me do whatever I want, but I still can't help feeling that if he REALLY cared about me, that he'd draw the line at least some of the time.

She cares enough to be honest instead of just saying what you'd like to hear. There may come a day when you no longer want to use drugs; you'd be glad you still had this friend you've known almost all your life. On the other hand, it can be still be tricky, obviously.

Reputation Comments on this post:

at least he dosent want you bangin' other dudes

[KL_Thomie]

This might be a suggestion that has helped Swim several times deal with this kind of problem.Put the weed on "trial".With this he means that Swiy & Ang should have an open dialogue without any personal opinion(based on pure facts and good questions) and judge wether it's guilty of any damage to Swiy (it will of course,lung cancer and blabla but that happens to smokers to so..) or the relationship Ang/Swiy.The questions that need to be asked are all ready writtin by Graduisic.This method has "saved" swim many times and made silent many a people.Swim doesn't know the person in question so doesn't know to what avail it will be.In any case hope it will be of some help.But the "what's not known,doesn't hurt" method is only delaying the problem,not solving it...

Grtz

Reputation Comments on this post:

que bueno idea

[exItus]

SWIM thinks her stoner to non-stoner friends ratio is pretty even right now, although most of her sober friends don’t know that SWIM smokes weed. Ironically SWIM still feels closer with the non-drug users. What about for all you SWIYs? Are drugs an important factor when choosing to make friends?

Originally Posted by Graduisic

-Is the drug hurting/affecting the relationship?
-Does the drug control your life or actions?
-Is marijuana a strong enough subject to make or break the relationship?

swim's girlfriend and him have been together for over 5 years. they found marijuana to be quite possibly the last thing in the world worth throwing a hissy fit over. his girlfriend learned tolerance, and swim learned moderation. everyone came out ahead.

The only times weed has ever remotely affected the relationship are when SWIM first told Ang that she had tried pot, and when Ang confronted SWIM about it because she had heard from SWIM’s dealer’s friend’s girlfriend that SWIM was still smoking. This whole issue has been based solely on words, never on any physical action that resulted from SWIM’s pot use. Which is why SWIM feels so frustrated with Ang. The occasional mellow craving is all the control weed has on SWIM’s life. The subject itself is not a big deal at all to SWIM, but apparently it means the world to Ang. This is an excerpt from one of the emails she’s sent:

“and now that i do know [that you smoke], i'm so like...shocked because i never thought i'd hear this from you. you have better morals than that. ... why are you trying to make your life worse? why ruin you're future? i said this already but it's not going to make your life any better. … it's nice that you're always do your own research and think for yourself but what happened to common sense and morals? you're wasting your money. and maybe you should start caring about what others think, just enough so that your reputation doesnt screw you over. maybe just this once i could be the one convincing you cuz i know for a fact that pot is wrong. … with you doing drugs [i dont care how "often"] life isnt the same. i cant look at you the same way even though you "barely" smoke.”

Yea… I know I probably made her sound like a complete bigot by posting that, but this is what SWIM is really dealing with. In her defense, Ang isn’t like this with anything else, which again is why SWIM is particularly irked.

Originally Posted by Alfa

It might be worth while to address that she is making judgements and basing very rough decisions on something she knows absolutely nothing about.

It’s convenient for her to push aside facts and make way for “common sense and morals”. Urgh. I know she’s just worried about SWIM, and god knows no one else would really give a damn if SWIM turned into a total wreck. I’ve tried Mr.Speedy’s tactic but it’s clear that no matter how safe marijuana is, she currently can’t grasp the concept of why SWIM should smoke at all.

Yesterday a compromise was reached that Ang would stop telling SWIM to quit, and SWIM would stop trying to convince her to let SWIM smoke (which wasn’t the case in the first place… SWIM was merely defending her view on drugs). It was made under the theory that more oppression = greater damage in the long run, and this way, SWIM wouldn’t risk feeling indignant by not smoking. (Whenever Ang told SWIM to not smoke, SWIM would feel like pulling out a cigarette just to be snide.) SWIM also told Ang that she wasn’t planning on smoking anytime in the near future… With “near future” being totally subjective. SWIM will have to bank on “what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her” indefinitely.

So… crisis averted, for now. I suppose time will tell what this will lead. Thanks again for all the support, d-f. <3

Reputation Comments on this post:

This is great information to discuss!

[Paracelsus]

The e-mail you posted reminded me of several friends who were more or less in the same position as Ang is with you. What helped me was keeping on doing the usual stuff with them while avoiding the topic of drug use but allowing it if they bring it up.

If Ang drinks, you could both get moderately drunk and have a relaxed yet very honest conversation about your relationship with her. But only if she violates your truce and brings the topic of drug use into discussion too often.

[cyndi]

Yep swim's husband also hates and threatens to leave when she falls off the wagon. He used to use with her, recovered from his addiction and well is just in a different place than swim. Swim still struggles with addiction and is not perfect....when swim does use from time to time...major drama and very stressful for all.