Best Friend Blues : She is an addict and alcoholic

[frenchywife]

OK, I'm in a real dilemma and don't know what to do or how I should handle this situation. My best friend whom I've known for 12 years recently told me that she is an alcoholic and an addict and is going to an out-patient rehab. She lives 3,000 miles away so this conversation took place over the phone. I was quite shocked to hear her say this because there is no way in hell that she either an addict or an alcoholic. I've only moved away a few years ago and she visits a few times a year so I know her lifestyle. She was never a heavy drinker; a glass of wine here and there. She did smoke pot and dabbled in cocaine and ecstasy, but was a recreational user - nothing major. Upon hearing this new life change, I felt a great sense of loss. Almost as if she was saying she was joining a convent.

A visit was on the horizon and I freaked out because I was thinking wow, I can't even have a glass of wine with her? How am I going to deal? Well, over Christmas, I had sent her a gift and right after New Year's I get a package in the mail. It's my gift (returned and not even opened), and a 10 page letter. Guess what? I know you know what's coming. As part of her recovery, she can no longer associate with me since I was part of her evil drinking and drugging past (insert a huge sigh), and if I don't seek the road to recovery for myself, we can never be friends again. I will apologize in advance for this but WTF???? So, that means the only way she'll be my friend is if I become totally sober - no drinking - nothing? I drink socially but to be honest, I could really take it or leave it. I might have a glass of wine or a beer during the week after work - but in no way am I out of control - but that's not the point. It's the principal of her declaring our friendship being solely based upon my surrendering to the road of recovery, which I think is totally ridiculous. What hurts most is that she returned my gift - a real slap in the face, wouldn't you say?

My husband advised me to write her a simple letter in response stating that it's obvious she's going through a difficult time and that I hope her recovery works out and for her to contact me when she's feeling better (comes to her senses). This letter was sent 3 months ago and not a word.

Have I lost my best friend forever? 12 years of friendship down the drain in a blink of an eye. I'm angry, I'm hurt and confused. Should I try to call her - what should I do - just leave it be? I do miss her and think about her alot. I feel like I should do something, maybe write her another letter - I don't know! Any advice would be greatly appreciated, and I just need to know one thing: am I crazy for thinking she's crazy for doing what she's doing? I just don't get it. Thanks!

[Chemically_Altered]

If i were you i'd just give her some time to sort herself out.

[Lunar Loops]

Lots of unanswered questions there. I would not make any further attempt to contact her directly as she obviously does not want contact with you at the moment (as hard as that may be to take). She will likely get back in touch when (and if) she feels the need. Having said all of that, I realise you are thousands of miles apart, but is there nobody else that does live close to her that you could contact and find out what is going on? Friends, family?

Have to say that my first reaction on reading that was CULT. Such a dramatic turn of events tends to be either due to having being brainwashed by a cult or some form of mental breakdown. Sorry if that sounds dramatic and I may be jumping to the wrong conclusions. It was just SWILL's impression on reading your post.

By the way, not saying that you would need to be mentally ill or brainwashed to reject drink & drugs (a very admirable stance in fact as long as it does not involve preaching to others). The fact that you would reject friend's on the basis of that though is worrying (if there truly was no addiction issue as you say).

[Fight Club]

I'm so sorry for the situation you are in. It is very painful to lose friends, especially if you feel that she is in some way blaming you for her own predicament. A few thoughts:

Your husband is right on target. The letter was a great place to start. You have done what you can and the ball is in her court.

Rehabs and 12-step programs emphasize the need to stay away from the "people, places and things" that are triggers for drug and alcohol use. In the early going, this is especially important for someone trying to quit. It is also important that they learn to listen to and accept direction from someone who had been successful. If this is what their "sponsor" has recommended, it is important that they learn not to supplement their own judgement for someone with both success and more experience abstaining from drugs and alcohol.

Give it time. She will re-establish her relationship with you if it was meant to be.

FC

[Metomni]

A visit was on the horizon?

12 years is a long time, go show up at her house. If it was on the horizon anyway then I'm assuming the financial situation is okay for the trip. Just make the trip and knock on her door. When she answers you can just be like, "Hey, this is me. And you're you. And we're best friends. You can see I'm no addict and I completely support your efforts and will help in anyway I can."

Suppose that's on the extreme side of things though.

Good luck, that really is sad.

[Lunar Loops]

Really need to establish how and why she sought help in the first place? Did she jump or was she pushed and did she REALLY have a problem or not? From your first post it would suggest not.

[frenchywife]

Originally Posted by Lunar Loops

Lots of unanswered questions there. I would not make any further attempt to contact her directly as she obviously does not want contact with you at the moment (as hard as that may be to take). She will likely get back in touch when (and if) she feels the need. Having said all of that, I realise you are thousands of miles apart, but is there nobody else that does live close to her that you could contact and find out what is going on? Friends, family?

Have to say that my first reaction on reading that was CULT. Such a dramatic turn of events tends to be either due to having being brainwashed by a cult or some form of mental breakdown. Sorry if that sounds dramatic and I may be jumping to the wrong conclusions. It was just SWILL's impression on reading your post.

By the way, not saying that you would need to be mentally ill or brainwashed to reject drink & drugs (a very admirable stance in fact as long as it does not involve preaching to others). The fact that you would reject friend's on the basis of that though is worrying (if there truly was no addiction issue as you say).

There is one friend I could contact, but we're not real close (long story) and as for family, it's only her mom whom I've never met (rather complicated) so that's not an option either.

Totally agree with the whole CULT thing - exactly what it sounds like which is what makes it even more frustrating!

[frenchywife]

Originally Posted by Metomni

A visit was on the horizon?

12 years is a long time, go show up at her house. If it was on the horizon anyway then I'm assuming the financial situation is okay for the trip. Just make the trip and knock on her door. When she answers you can just be like, "Hey, this is me. And you're you. And we're best friends. You can see I'm no addict and I completely support your efforts and will help in anyway I can."

Suppose that's on the extreme side of things though.

Good luck, that really is sad.

She usually visits me, so she was supposed to come here - needless to say that's not happening. Showing up at her house is not an option - no money and no time, plus I totally detest where she lives (I try to avoid the area as much as possible!). But, thanks for the suggestions

[frenchywife]

Originally Posted by Lunar Loops

Really need to establish how and why she sought help in the first place? Did she jump or was she pushed and did she REALLY have a problem or not? From your first post it would suggest not.

As far as I know, she jumped and was not pushed. To be honest, I truly have no clue where this all came from. She just called me one day and said she was doing this. She never gave me an inclination or hinted in any way that she thought she had a problem - never mentioned she thought she might be drinking too much or anything before, which is what makes this all really mind-boggling. So, to reconfirm my first post - IMHO, no she does not have a problem, but for some reason she thinks she does and there's nothing I can do. Just sucks in the meantime. I'm reconsidering sending her a letter - I'm not begging her to be my friend and I don't feel like I should have to defend our friendship - she made her choice - recovery over me - unless of course, I also choose recovery and the road to salvation

[Lunar Loops]

Originally Posted by frenchywife

As far as I know, she jumped and was not pushed. To be honest, I truly have no clue where this all came from. She just called me one day and said she was doing this. She never gave me an inclination or hinted in any way that she thought she had a problem - never mentioned she thought she might be drinking too much or anything before, which is what makes this all really mind-boggling. So, to reconfirm my first post - IMHO, no she does not have a problem, but for some reason she thinks she does and there's nothing I can do. Just sucks in the meantime. I'm reconsidering sending her a letter - I'm not begging her to be my friend and I don't feel like I should have to defend our friendship - she made her choice - recovery over me - unless of course, I also choose recovery and the road to salvation

You only need recovery if there is a problem in the first place (i.e. it is affecting your daily life....work, family, etc). People should be accepted for who they are and not what they do. I would seriously reconsider any friendship where I was being told how to behave and what to do if the friendship was to remain intact. There should not have to be a choice between total abstinence and friendship.

Hard to take, but you may have to let this one go. If she truly values your friendship she will come back to you at some stage when she feels ready.

[Ronnie]

Ahh, Frenchywife

You sound like a really nice friend to have. What a shame this has happened, it must have been a big shock for you. But really all you can do at this stage is just leave the door open. Your mate is obviously going through something. Maybe just write and say that you hope she sorts herself out and that she's happy and you'll always be there for her if she needs you.....etc.....

The old adage: Friends for a season, friends for a reason and friends for life....or something like that!

I wish you well.

Regards
Ronnie