Relapse on opiate pain pills- Tired and pissed off

[Libalow]

I know we are all responsible for our own lives, but sometimes things in the world just seem out to get you. I was a heroin addict for 2 1/2 years. Being fearful of needles and not enjoying the burn of the snort, I became a smoker. I was always regarded highly, being a smart girl who was very independent who always took care of herself and had things going for her. Due to unfortunate relationship issues involing alcohol addiction and domestic abuse (which I didnt really understand until afterwards) I turned to old friends from highschool who had recently discovered junk. Needless to say, I love heroin. I love painkillers. BUT- they ruined my life. I lost everything from my job to my house to my carand my family. Probably because I tried so hard to hide my problem, especially withdrawl. When I finally had to make a choice to live or die, I went to detox for 3 days for withdrawl help and walked out and havent touched heroin since.


This was a little over 2 1/2 years ago. I have since built up my life, restablished family connections, have a bank account, a car, respect. It took me all this time to feel like I can leave the house without someone wondering ifim going to get dope. Its a nice feeling.


BUT- due to all my dope smoking, I ruined my teeth. I need over $15,000 of work done to my mouth, WITH insurance. I have 3 broken teeth, need5 root canals, a bridge, 4 crowns, wisdom teeth pulled etc etc ETC.


SO- when I went to the doctor last december, I showed her my mouth, Low and behold she wrote me a script for a bottle of 40 vikes, with5 REFILLS without me even asking. Needless to say combined with the amzing amount of pain I go through daily plus the excitement of having so many "happy pills" for under 5 bucks a bottle with insurance, I got a little out of control. I took the pills as prescribed 3 times a day and gave a lot out to my friends who like to party (bad I know). Well here I am almost 2 months later out of pills, in pain and scared of withdrawl. I called the doctor for a refill after encouragement from the pharmacy, who of course basically spit in my face after having the audactiy to write such a large script in the first place. I know I have no one to blame but myself truely, but I think this would be a hell of a better world if we humans were allowed to medicate ourselves any way we need as long as we remain good members of society.


After I was off the heroin, I became "depressed" or thats what everyone told me. A physch put me on lexapro because supposedly I ruinedthe seratonin production in my brain from heroin. I have gone through life changes,like eating right and running 3 miles a day to going back to school, etc. But nothing makes me feel as good as opiates. I think if I had the option do freely do opiates every day without fear of legality or morals, I would.


So here I am, I discoverd this forum and now I made my own opium tea. I never knew how easy that was. I went to another doctor and paid 75 bucks for a 20 pill prescription. I am in pain, I feel like an addict again, and I'm scared of my own actions. Tired and pissed off I say....am I the monster, or is it the society that tells me I cant live the way I want if I'm only hurting myself?

[msumegi]

You don't sound like a monster. You sound like a person. A person who has done the impossible (for some) and quit chasing the dragon by asking for help (detox). This isa form of relapse, and it's normal. It's a good thing the relapse wasn't with heroin. I think you will do you and every one who cares about you a favour by asking for help again. Don't wait until the problem gets bigger, just get treatment for your prescription pill relapse.....today. Yeah that's right, it's more improtant to find that number and call it than to do the laundry or even go to work.

[paulywould]

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<TD id=HB_Focus_Element vAlign=top width="100%" background="" height=250 UNABLE="off">For a lot of people relapse is part of recovery. I knowsomepeople who stoped using one day and that was it. For myself and many others, it took a few times to stop. What you did and how you feel is normal. Unfortunately, nothing does feel as good as opiates. You already know, I'm sure, that staying clean eating right and exercising will make you feel 'good' and not give you the terrible withdrawl feeling you get from opiates.You messed up and took too many pills. It happens. The important thing is you learn from that and don't get sucked back into the place where you were before because it will happen REAL FAST. There are a lot of non opiate pain relievers out there if you really enjoy the life you have now, but only you can make the choice if you want those or the opiates tht feel good and that you know stole everything from you two and a half years ago. The balls in your court. If you stop now the withdrawls might not be too bad. You already know what they're like if you keep using and stop later. Good luck. It's all on you.</TD></TR>
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