my past is back to haunt me

[cainy]

SWIM said...

First off id like to say hi to eveyone!

My name is mike , 27 years old

I first used cocaine when i was 16.
I had been drinking for a couple of years and could not handle hangovers , after a heavy thursday night of drinking with some of my new work friends my dad dragged me out of bed and demanded that i went to work as he was still not happy at the fact that his 16 year old son had been out drinking in pubs with people years older than me and as my boss was all so a friend of his he wasnt gonna let me take the piss when he had gonna me the job in the first place.

As you can imagine i was pretty feel pretty rough banging headache and throwing up.

I was almost at the point of going home after 2 hours of hell when 1 of the lads who i hadnt really evey spoke to told me he had something that would make be feel better again... cocaine

I knew nothing about the drug and had only every smoked pot a couple of times ,he gave me a line which made me feel better within 10 minutes.
I felt on top of the world ! then after 1 hour i was feeling sick again so it was at that point i bought my first gram.£40

I made it through the day but opened a box that till this day i cant seem to shut the lid on.

I spent the rest of the doing coke every now and again a gram here and there untill christmas when we all went out with work and everyone was doing it.I went home after spending £160 on coke and then more over christmas and new year.

Id spent over £400 and at that point i was hooked, i was now 17 years old and was earning £150 per week which untill now had been going into my bank account where i had saved £2000 in my first year of work.

I was spending £100 a week on coke and no one knew a thing about it, no parants no friends no one.

I was hanging around with the wrong crowd a much older crowd that were mainly in there mid 20's , they had partys did coke sold coke, i thought they were cool at the time and had everything going for them.

By the age of 18 id spent every penny i had inculding £150 of the £200 i was now getting at work and people were starting to ask qustions.
I took out loans from the bank with high interest to cover my tracks but having large sums of money in my bank just made me want to get more coke and thats what i did.

I spent £1500 in a week ! on fucking coke!

This just got worst and worst.

By the age of 21 id owed the bank £17.000
Id told all to my mum and dad and was in rehab
I had all the surport i needed but i just kept doing it !

I managed to get clean for afew months then me and my best mate bought a house (well he did, i just rented a room) things were looking good untill i returned to work after 6 months of rehab.

I still stayed clean for a futher 3 months but then just gave in!
At that point i lost every i tried to kill myself and was in
hospital for 1 week.

My mate through me out, most of my mates ditched me , i lost my job and my dad and sister turned there back on me.

I moved in with my mum who at the time hated my guts but she brought me back from the dead, gave me a new lease of life and i was finally clean and wanted to be too!

My dad and sister started to speak to me after a year or so.
I met the girl of my dream and i was up front about my past from the begining we have been together for the past 5 years and are getting married a 2 years.

Problem.
new years eve 2005 i was in a car crash, and got a pay out of £2500 for my injurys.

Not sure why but when i got that money i just wanted to treat myself to something and there was a new lad started at my new work place who i had just found out was a drug dealer and after the first time i spoke to him i just came out and asked him for some.

I got an 8th

Didnt feel to bad after it and moved on.

April 2007 - my sister was raped then 11 days later my uncle died from cancer.

I was so full of anger.. full of pain and i wanted revenge.

I was drinking alot at home and plotting something nasty for the monster that attacked my sister which was sure to land me in trouble and i just couldnt understand why my family didnt want me to do it, i can see now that it would of ment prison for me but i felt i couldnt be around my family at that time so started going to pub and at the end of another drunken week day a spotted the person from work in the car park making a deal.

I went outside and again bought drugs off him and was till the end of the year when he left.

I stopped using for a moth or so untill i became friends with a big time major dealer who for the past 6 months has been giving me the drug.

Ive confessed to my mum whats been going on and she wants to help me and has also told me that it will stay just between me and her.

My life is in danger of ending if my girlfriend was to find out about this and my family and friends wouldnt never give me a 3rd chance!!

I havent used for 2 days now and am really feeling the cravings kicking in! ive been doing 2 grams a day for the last month.

Even as iam typing this iam thinking about picking up.

What i really need is to hear from you guys about different ways in which you handle your cravings.
What works for you?
Before i had nothing to loss but things are different now and i have to get my life back on track.
Ive hit rock bottom.

Please, your help is much needed.

Thanks.

Mike.

[burgerman]

I could only suggest you go into a treatment facility followed by some kind of Camp place that would keep you out of society for a few good months.

I'd also print out your story and give it to your father as well. I dont know, if i was your father it'd make me feel guilty as hell

[Felonious Skunk]

Mike, if you're in the UK, look into ibogaine. It sounds like you can keep yourself off of coke for long periods, but when the bad things that happen to everyone in life (and even the good ones--let's celebrate with blow!) pop up, you look for answers with the drug.

Ibogaine might give you the insight into yourself only a powerful psychedelic experience can provide. And this might support attempts at long-term abstinence.

[Fight Club]

Mike - I understand everything you have gone through. The Devil has a way of getting your attention when the chips are down. The way I see it, you have two tasks ahead of you: getting clean and staying clean.

With a regular habit and people in your life that are more than willing to supply you, you need to realize that your chances of getting clean on your own, in secret are pretty slim. If NIK were you, he would look in to a rehab facility; make the necessary arrangements, and then come clean with his loved ones and the people around him. There is no shame in admitting you have a problem and you need help fixing it. Much better to do it this way than to be busted by LE or end up in a hospital or a morgue.

Staying clean, especially when life throws you a curveball is another matter. It's hard to stay away from coke when things are going well, much less when things go to shit. NIK has found that both acceptance (of the shit that goes on around us) and gratitude (for the things he does have) go a long way towards smoothing the rough patches. He learned these things in AA, and puts them to practice in everyday life doing "step work". It's still tough at times, but there is no situation that will be made better if NIK picks up cocaine again.

Good luck. PM me if you would like to hear more about how NIK stays clean.

FC