Everything Going Rapidly Downhill

[darkglobe]

Sorry about the woe-is-me vague title.

I won't be using SWIM anywhere in this post. Because of this, I will make sure there is no rule-breaking content. It's just hard to post about personal and mental stuffs in the third person.


Strike one: the love life.

Basically, my life in general has been rapidly getting worse over the past few weeks, months maybe. Due to my extreme control-freak issues, possessiveness and compulsive, brutal honesty and total inability to lie, I have managed to singlehandedly ruin what used to be a wonderful relationship. Main reason being my inability to stop correcting people, reading too much into every word, pick pick pick at things and end up causing incessant arguing. We're still together, but now she keeps wanting me to back off coz I'm very serious about our relationship, but she says I make her feel "tied down". Thing is, she knows I'd most likely kill myself if I lost her. Before the insults come flooding in, I know that's an extremely stupid thing to say or even consider doing, but I'm being honest. I would want to die if I lost her. Thing is, she knows it. I try to convince her otherwise, but I'm an awful liar. I'm TERRIBLE. Then I start wondering WHY she doesn't wanna feel tied down, when about 6 months ago we were considering marriage, and I even managed to convince her that not all kids are evil, and she did actualy start coming round to the idea of maybe one day having a child together. Now, we haven't mentioned any sort of marriage, and she keeps accusing me of "tying her down". Does this whole thing about her not wanting to feel tied down mean that she wants to leave me?

Strike two: the health.

To add to my problems with my relationship (or possibly even caused by them), my health has been declining.

I have difficulty urinating and pooing.
I constantly feel full, yet my typical day's eating consists of a small bowl of cereal in the morning (almost always at 8.15am), followed by a small meal (usually a sandwich) at around 5-6pm.
A month ago I weighed 11 stone 13, and although I've not changed my diet in any way, and I've not changed my daily activities, I now weigh 11 st 3. While I know everyone's weight fluctuates, mine has never fluctuated to that extent.
My ribs are showing very prominently (I'm built very small, and have never been strong or anything, but this is beyond funny) and I've now noticed the weirdest problem... the left side of my rib cage seems to be much bigger than the right, and if I look closely I can see that my centrebone of ribs is actually off-centre, and towards the right. In short, my left rib cage part is a fair bit bigger than the right bit!
I have a bad back, but I slouch, so I've no right to complain about it.
I cannot sleep. No matter what, I cannot sleep. The most irritating part of this which has seriously annoyed me is how the doctor point blank refuses to prescribe me any form of sleep aid, and OTC meds such as Nytol do nothing but make me feel ill, in fact, they seem to just exacerbate the bladder/toiley/bloated symptoms, and do fuck all else.
My ribs click, too, when I do a stomach vaccuum thing. Only on the left tho.
I'm constantly tired due to lack of sleep, which is beginning to make me look like your average stereotypical "crackhead/smackhead". This makes me feel very uneasy, especially since I have taken no illegal hard drugs at all.

Strike three: the social life

I have never had a very active social life, although if I feel comfortable with someone I can and do have a thoroughly good laugh, and almost always make people laugh (with me). Even tho in my past I've never had many friends, and all my "close" friends never bothered keeping in touch at the end of sixth form where we all went our seperate ways. This didnt bother me tho.

But.. now, I have absolutely no friends, I never go out, apart from on this training course I'm doing, I live at home with my parents, I hardly talk to them (they try), I sit at the computer all day and most of the night. I know this is unhealthy, but I have no desire to do anything else.

The above social stuff isn't my main problem, though. Like I said, I could quite easily have fun with other people in the past. Now, no matter how nice they are to me, all I can think of is "watch what you say, dont let urself act geeky, keep quiet, they can't laugh at you then", and the classic one which always always happens: "dont get too close, they're only putting up with you, they don't actually like you, they're just being polite". This stuff is preventing me from enjoying the company of anyone/thing other than myself, and I've become increasingly quiet.

So yeah - no idea why I'm posting this here, but it helped to get it off my chest. Plus any advice is good advice the way I'm feeling right now.

I know I should seek professional help, before anyone suggests it, but I despise talking to strangers face-to-face, especially about serious personal things. I'm quite happy to e-Moan! Lol.