Swim is kinda shy and for good reason when talking about the past but swim never ever did any kind of drugs in school and even years later only in mid twenties did swim even mess around with club drugs or party drugs but only because swim was around that environment and it was free and hell ....you live once...why not? But way down the road swim became alone in a scary kinda way and by that i mean that swim had one child and was a single mom and that child very briefly for a short period got a little older and left for a few months to live with dad...and swim was like a fish out of water....all of the sudden she didnt have to go home or have responsibility or whatever and swim had LOTS of friends...some rich and some thug but either way....swim was introduced to the dark side of cocaine use.....never at any point would swim do illegal stuff or sell her body or anything ridiculous ...but more like every single friend swim had was on it and it was everywhere ...all the time. It became more and more of the main focus of swims day until swim began loving not feeling the hurt anymore and swim never wanted to comedown....and she never had to ....swims friends were rich rich rich and swim would be asleep and they would knock on swims door or friend after friend would come by swims home and get her and take her and give to her and party with her .....then swim took too much a few times and knew that something bad was gonna happen if her life didnt change.....swim found out she was pregnant a few weeks later and ...well life changed about 400 degrees. Swim was so jealous of everyone still having fun including the ex husband who is the one who GOT swim started on it to begin with (and now swims oldest child come home and swim had this new baby with same daddy even though swim divorced him years ago)....swim believed that the baby was an angel from GOD and that it could save swim and her husband both....and happily it did for the most part-but the ex husband never really wanted to let go of the party and eventually the toll of two kids was too much to bear when you would rather be having fun .....so again swim found herself alone. Along the way after the baby was born swim realized that she had adhd for years (swims family members including mother and sister have it ...as well as swims oldest child) and swim had to start taking ADDERALL XR. Swim thought she was walking a very tightrope playing with fire and having to take speed daily and swim was scared of where she had once been mentally and the hole inside swim tried to fill with cocaine. But the point of this long ridiculous post is this....swim has taken adderall for about two years.....never snorted or anything crazy...just took orally....sometimes probally took too much but swim learned quickly that downside of that is not worth the way swim felt and swim keeps it middle of the road and safe....swim would have never dreamed that the craving for that 'special white friend' of hers would be non existent and that swim feels so much more self confidence and can focus almost too much on the big huge task at hand like being single and starting over again....and swim just wanted anyone who has ever felt trapped in a place they felt they couldnt get out of.....swim knows that there is hope. Adderall is not the mesiah and causes acne and tics and grouchiness and weight gain (?? i know...right) most people go the other way with that one but swim is ADD times 10 and swim needs it in her brain to function.....sometimes swim feels like it is almost her 'boyfriend' because swim spends alot of time being alone and thinking about it and trying to make sure that swim always has the supply she is supposed to ...swim is terrified to death of ever going an extended period of time without it and hopes that people understand swim is not seeking to be high 24/7....swim just dont ever want to be the kinda down that adhd and depression can take you to....a world where basically everything is just grey. Maybe swim worries entirely too much, no?
either way....its just unreal that two chemicals that are similar are so very very different for swim.
20-12-2007, 06:27
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