Helping a loved one: intervention techniques.

[Alfa]

When a family member or close friend looses control over drugs and life and things really go for the worst, then many want to help but do not know what they can do.

How do you set up an intervention for an addict in trouble?

Relatives and friends of addicts use this forum to search for answers. So post your idea's, suggestions, techniques and experiences here.

Please also post links to related threads on this forum.

Reputation Comments on this post:

Good idea to bring it all together rather than have the info scattered about piecemeal as it was

[Alfa]

Here are some posts of our members on the topic:

Originally Posted by BrugmansiaBrujo

Any kind of loving, caring approach is good. Sometimes an intervention is better handled by a few people all at the same time, so the one being cared about doesn't think it's just you noticing, that it's just you nagging or being fucked up.

But regardless of how it's handled, nothing will happen to make the situation better until she herself admits there is a problem. If she is in denial, you are beating your head against a brick wall, so be prepared for that eventuality too.

This thread is about someone facing an intervention by friends: Put on the spot by friends; the center of intervention

[sweetsugar]

All swim has to say on this is that 'tough love' doesnt work. Infact makes matters worse. If you have no idea what a loved one is going through, do research and be very understanding & open minded, the person will need you no matter if they say otherwise & dont give up on him/her. (An addict has to want to stop for him/herself btw) the withdrawals is the easy part, then its the pyschological part to deal with wks after the withdrawals. But theres always a light at the end of every tunnel.

i hope this has made sence.

[Fight Club]

Originally Posted by savingJenniB

I trying to get my niece in treatment prgm . . . We have opened a dialog - she admits that she needs help - and says that she wants to stop . . .I'm treading gently, do not want her to disappear. Living in the canyons (San Diego is an easy place to be homeless) She admits that she has now been shooting meth. What does work?

Does she want to go to a treatment program? Has she tried to quit on her own? What has she done, rather than said that indicates a willingness to stop?

I think you need to be careful that she isn't playing you. Addicts will lie, cheat, and steal (especially telling loved ones what they want to hear) to sustain their habit.

A little advice:
1) Don't give her money, no matter what.
2) If you let her stay with you, insist that your home be drug free, and be prepared to throw her out at the first sign of drug use. Establish agreed upon boundaries ground rules and consequences as a condition of your support.
3) Assist her in finding a rehab that will accept her, if that's what she wants to do. Injected meth is very powerfully addicting, and the longer someone can be a) isolated from their source, and b) in the company of sober and supportive people the better their chances will be.
4) Be patient and be prepared to show lots of love and support. Don't consider a slip, or even a relapse a complete failure. Active addiction is a downward spiral, and recovery from addiction is an upward spiral. Keep in mind that growth in recovery is not linear; it has its ups and downs.
5) Don't be overly concerned if she seems lifeless and depressed. Long-term meth abuse has disrupted the mechanisms that supply and replenish dopamine, serotonin and other "feel good" enzymes in her system. It may be 6-9 months sober before she actually experiences any happiness or joy in her life.

Hope you find some guidance and understanding in my advice; PM me if I can help in any way.

FC

Reputation Comments on this post:

	good advise
	Good post! Couldn't find critique. ;)
	good advice
	Solid advice! Couldn't have been said better!

[Skyla1234]

Hello! I'm really sorry if this is the wrong place to post this and its not really got much to do with the above scenario (which btw my feelings go out to you on, savingjenniB) I'm just after some help....

My boyfriend has been a crack and heroin addict for a few years now. He's been to various rehabs not only near where we live but all over the world. He's had a few relapses with the heroin but over the last couple of months hes been clean and so happy - its like he's been a new person. I know that the withdrawal period was horrible but he says that now he knows what to expect its not quite as bad as the first time which makes sense. Anyway the last couple of months have been great - we've been out and about and its not come up at all until two days ago. I sensed that something was wrong and called him. He admitted to me that he had found a really small amount of methadone in his room and had drunk it. I didn't know what to say - it upset me because I have no idea of whether or not this is the slippery slope back down or not. He is very honest with me and I don't want to abuse this by being harsh to him.

Well tonight he called me and said that he wanted to chat to me. This isn't unusual so I told him about my day etc when he told me that he had had to stop himself scoring tonight and talk himself out of it. Obviously I'm so happy that he didnt and that he told me that it was what he was feeling but I'm going out of my mind with worry that he's on the edge of going back to it.

The last time he stopped using he did it by himself as he doesn't entirely agree with all the NA principles and he just found that it was something he needed to do by himself. I just wish there was some way I could support him better. The only addiction I've had is ciggerettes though I've used quite a lot of drugs in the past so I'm not completely oblivious to it all.

Any comments or help with things that will help him out would be much appreciated - he's had quite a few relapes over the last year and its just soul destroying seeing such an intelligent, loving, ambitious person going down that road again.

Thank you for reading this, look forward to some feedback

hugs

[dogzz]

Straight truthfull talk, no bull, no candy coating, no beatin around the bush true feelings and thoughts. No condemnation, no accusations, no forcing of your own ideals or passing of judgement. If an addict is even the slightest bit open to getting clean, it's important to keep that opening there. An addict who has the tiniest inkling towards sobriety is most likely already down on themselves to begin with. At the very beginning of any sort of personal attack, in swim's opinion, an addict will shut that opening as a way of self preservation.

No two addicts are alike so swin cant speak for all, but for swim, and his experience,..it's hard to put in words, tough love isnt the right term. It was a love of and from family and friends which inspired swim to do better. Without the knowing and want of something better in life, why even bother trying to get clean? It is a fine line, or a slippery slope to define giving that love and support without being an enabler.

oh, there's that crappy word "enabler". Many people dont understand what that is, or just flat get offended by it. An addict becomes very proficient at turning things around to get what they need. money, bills paid, rent covered, the list goes on,......sure what do any of those have to do with drug use?? ya love someone, you help em out, thats just the right thing to do, but how many addicts are out there barely gettin by, supported by friends and family in just the basic needs of day to day life? Swim was one of those, and in swim's eyes, was just a little down on his luck. The truth of the matter is "every" bit of what swim got went to support his drinking, and whatever drug swim was able to get. Not one thought ever occured to swim that he'd have the rent, be able to pay the bills, pay the fines, because when swim got to the bottom, there was always someone to help swim out.

How to help someone?? swim'll tell ya what he wishes would have happened. Like swim stated at the beginning of this post. There are so many ways to approach it, there are as many paths to recovery as there are addicts. Took swim 50 years to figure it out, but when all else fails, when you have no idea of what way to go or what to say or do.......SIMPLE back to basic works best. How can anyone go wrong with flat, straight ,truthful, non-judgemental talk.

Sounds easy, but swim doesnt live in a fantasy land either. Having such a talk with a loved one you care about is highly emotional, how do ya talk with someone you're so upset with ya wanna just slap em silly, knock some sense into em? well, ya just gotta dig deep, find it within yourselves to have enough strength for both of ya.....The bottom line is NO addict can be forced to quit, no addict will attempt it untill they want or feel a need to stop. That feeling needs to be nurtured, because that is all an addict has to hang onto untill they begin to have enough clean time to be proud of.

Swim would only call it tough love because it's tough on both the addict and the person who cares. just swim's opinions on the subject

[cyndi]

Swiy is right, interventions and treatment are a crapload of money! The question is in the end will the recovering person benefit? Swim is going through this with her son too. He is 18 and just got out of jail for a drug related charge again! Swim just found drugs in his room after finding drugs and making him dump them out a week ago. This is very frustrating. Swim doesn't want to give up on him as the rest of the family already pretty much did. Swim's husband wants to toss him out into the streets which is hubby's answer to the intervention question. Make him believe he has nothing and asks for treatment. Swim seriously doubts that this approach will work with her boy. She can't toss him as she worries he will die out there and after all this is still her child. However, he is tearing the family apart. Swim feels your pain and hopes the best for your family.

[cyndi]

Enabling describes me very well. I wish I could take a harder approach with addicted persons especially my own son. I have a fear he will die out there in the street and I would blame myself for the rest of my life. I have had substance abuse counselors tell me I am hurting him by allowing him to stay home. But in my mind if he is dead, he is hurt worse, but that is me. You are very brave to do what you said you did with the neice. I hope she gets help soon. It sounds she needs it badly. Good luck to you!

[ransacklw]

Swim's has a new family member that has been addicted to smoking nicotine and doing speed for like 40 years. Finally trying to get that person sober swim tried moving to be closer to more family- it seems to help at times. But the relationship has changed in a lot a ways.. Good things to keep in mind- try moving to favorite happy place and surround yourself with loved ones. Stay strong sobriety can be done.

[hh339]

Interventions are very sketchy...

SWiM uses cannabis daily, a lot of it, and sometimes he also uses amphetamine and other chemicals semi-daily. He doesn't have a problem, but maybe other people would disagree?? If SWiM's family for instance tried to do his thinking for him and put him in some program or whatever, then the family would be told to fuck off forever if they wouldn't accept him. Just a thought for the mom's and dad's out there.

Make sure there's a REAL problem before doing shit like this, or you could actually be creating a HUGE problem instead. Remember, some people would "intervene" just because their son/daughter smoked a few joints.

Some people need help, but be FUCKING CAREFUL or you might FUCK THINGS UP FOR GOOD. Personally, if someone did this to SWiM just because they didn't agree with his drug-use, he'd never speak to them again. He'd probably kick their ass too.

Of course interventions CAN be good, but only if circumstances allow it to be. Which they usually don't. Interventions also make the "addict" feel like everyone is turning against him/her, or like everyone is watching/judging. I think this sucks ass 98,5% of the times. To many misunderstandings can have too big unwanted impact on the "addics" life. For instance forcing him into religious treatment and crap like that, now THAT's fucking up someone's life, at least if it was SWiM.

Oh well, bitterness has taken over again, time for a joint (for SWiM), good luck!

[hh339]

"However, when you are getting calls from hospitals, police stations, and concerned street people because your niece is so stoned they seriously think she might be dying ~ it just may be time for an intervention."

Maybe. But then would you consider an intervention when it comes to sex-addiction, sugar-addiction, power-addiction, money-addiction etc? Those addictions can be just as bad, some even deadly. I think this whole "intervention" thing is just some hyped Dr. Phil crap thing. If you don't judge, and if the "addict" feels loved by you, then you probably wouldn't need an "intervention" to get that person to talk to you and listen to you.

[hh339]

I'm not talking about you Just interventions in general.

If SWiM was SWiY, he would probably have slapped his niece silly to begin with just to let her know who's is charge (warning: may backfire, but if given attitude it may be a good last choice). Put her in a car and just drive to a distant house/cabin for a few days. Talk, analyze, find out what the real problem is. What is causing the excessive drug-use?

SWiM has issues.. he uses chemicals to solve them. If anyone tried to intervene and force him to be "clean" for a long time, without even caring about why he is not working without drugs, he could not take that seriously and he would probably do even more drugs just to piss them off. Focus less on the drugs, and focus more on the reasons why she uses them.

Of course some people are just simply addicted, but when you are young there could be a million reasons to use drugs! If a person is concerned with SWiM's drug-use because they simply just care and wants to know what's going on, he would be glad. But with the "drugs are bad and you are an idiot so you must let us make decisions for you, or else we won't talk to you anymore"-approach (used widely in classic interventions), he would just roll his eyes and tell them to fuck off. BAD FUCKING IDEA!

I'm not saying we shouldn't try to help our loved ones, but doing it the wrong way or for the wrong reasons may destroy lives instead.

[Micutzul]

I won't address the particular case of SavingJennyB but i'll speak in a more general way . As someone has already stated , the withdrawal is quite easy when compared to the psychological hell that follows not only weeks after..but..years after , maybe forever after. I have to admit i haven't read all the posts , i'm not in the mood , but i hope i wont be repeating too much of what someone else already said .

The most important think is : DO YOU WANT YOUR LOVED ONE TO STOP ABUSING DRUGS AND ESCAPE HIS/HER ADDICTION AT ANY COST ?


If you think it's sooo baad that your loved one is abusing drugs , just think about this one quite probable event : a bullet in the head , a noose around the neck ....swift and silent , maybe one year after he/she quit , maybe when everything seemed allright. Some people NEVER recover from an addiction . For some every day is a struggle , every day they just feed off their good memories of the druggy times. And yes ...some will get to the point when they'd rather put a bullet in their head than start using again , and becoming a burdain again for the one they love . Rather than having to look into their eyes of disgust and rejection ...for what ? For the only think that ever made him happy . Sounds exaggerated ? No it doesn't . An addict can think like that. Swim thinks like that . For some people , the torment of being sober never ends .

Are you sure you want to put your loved one through this ? I assure you that if he/she is one of those people who never get over ..then it's worse than what was happening before, it's worse than death . We have all heard the cases of miraculous recoveries , of people who state that only now that they're sober , they know how beautiful life is . Well , let me tell you ...there are many people on the other side of the wall too . People who just live out their days in the most real hell you can ever imagine .That's just the problem , they're sober and everything is too real , there's no purpose anymore , no reason to live , no reason to do anything .Swim for one can't take it much more and i'm sure if the person who had a major part in Swim quitting would have known what Swim would go through , she wouldn't have done it.


I'm telling you all of this so you can make an informed choice . I assure you that in some cases , quitting drugs is worse than not quitting . Think about it ...if you can live with yourself , knowing that you put the person you love through an even deeper circle of hell than the one he/she was already in

[Micutzul]

Yes , both factors probably played important roles in her addiction , but it's also the damn addictiveness of the substance. METH , for so many years ...i trully feel sorry for her . ANY HUMAN BEING in her case would find it so impossibly hard to quit . It could have been anyone of us

[ransacklw]

Yeah she wants help- but still says she isnt addicted and tells swim that swim is way more- but as soon as she gets it she lies and hinky-
"Happy place" meaning like Maui or somewhere where swiy likes to-- in this case maui

[cyndi]

The way I see it is if the drugs are causing you to lose your quality of life such as job, family, freedom, and self-respect, then drugs are an issue. If not, then I guess not. We are taught not everyone that uses is an addict.

Savingjenn, about interventions, in my opinion an addict has to want the help or you are tossing money in the wind. They have to hit some type of bottom, hopefully the bottom isn't too low, with my son and your neice, it seems it is. Usually an addict won't come and say please put me in rehab although they sure need it. Hold an intervention with family and friends and tell her how you all won't enable her and give her the choice between that and rehab and see what happens.

Now with that being said, I am a huge enabler, tough love is just tough for me. I should kick my son out, I shouldn't have bailed him out of jail again, I don't know it is just hard. I do talk to him about getting help daily and he doesn't have a problem, although he dropped out of school, can't take care of himself at 18, can't hold down a job, and has legal issues. I worry about just how low will his bottom be. All I can do is pray for him.

[cyndi]

I am so glad she is finally getting help. She may be mad at first but this could save her life. You are a good person sticking by her like that. Many people tend to turn their backs on people stuck in addiction as they don't understand the disease. Keep yourself open and she will come around, I assure you. I have been there done that with myself and now my son who still refuses treatment and is still making stupid choices as will till he gets treatment. He right now totally hates me and the world. It is very hard.

[wopa]

This is the hardest part an addict has felt no emotion for years is some cases and also will become a convincing liar and will play on your sympathy if you imagine the movie the exorcist as strange as it sounds but a hardcore smack head is very similar what i mean is what you see in a addict is not the real person you need to strip the person down then rebuild slowly lots of kind love and understanding but never take your eye of the target as all the tricks and excuses will be thrown at you in the withdraw process it is hell for the person going through it but its the only way back what happens is all the emotion which has been blocked out is now coming back in a big way packed with guilt and embarrassment bang !! the depression stage will kick in were you will feel like the lowest of the low and you think there is no way back this is were you are vulnerable the most deep down the answer is a phone call away to your dealer this is were you need your family or freinds ...of course not all people are the same ...just letting you know how difficult it can get..there is no half way if you are in it then its gotta be for the long haul...good luck... wop

[Dissociation]

The addict has to want help. They will not stay sober if they are forced. maybe ask them how they feel about a rehab.

Dissociation added 0 Minutes and 50 Seconds later...

also I'm going to rehab. I'm saying i am because it's not illegal to go to rehab.

Reputation Comments on this post:

good post and very true

[discodave]

swim would like to comment on the "be prepared to throw them out" bit. swim thinks that requires a bit of judgement. swim had addictions to a few things as a kid including cigarettes, alcohol and some illegal substances and swims parents flatly refused to throw swim out, even swim thought that they should. but.... as it turned out if they had swims life would have turned out very differently, swim had a backup plan if swim was thrown out and that plan would have lead swim to a life of crime and swim would now be in jail for a serious criminal offense that occured in the residence swim would have used if thrown out, all the people there were jailed.

other people swim knows were thrown out, some got jobs and a home, some ended in jail but all of them now use more drugs than swim does even if they maintain a life to go along with it. swim also doesn't even smoke cigarettes these days and all the others do.

so maybe it's not always the right thing to do?

Reputation Comments on this post:

Thanks for sharing your thoughts and experiences with this sensitive issue.

[miffy]

It's difficult to come up with a catch-all solution - everyone's different, and families can take different levels of strain.

Swim had to deal with his mother finding out that he was addicted to heroin - and half-expected her not to deal with it well. . . in fact, she offered support and a place to stay until he was clean. This support was invaluable, and swim managed to stay clean for a long time, relapsing only through his own stupidity. The help that swim's family gave him probably saved his life, so I'd suggest that you should think carefully before withdrawing - or threatening to withdraw - your support.

That having been said, swim was really grateful, and, beyond the fact of his addiction, was not difficult to live with. . . other family members have needs too. . . but ultimately, swim thinks that a supportive family - and friends network - is absolutely crucial to getting and staying clean.

[banditqueen]

If someone would intervene SWIM, SWIM would tell them to fuck off. It would definitely feel as if everyone was turning on SWIM and SWIM would most likely leave and be even worse then before.

I think that interventions works very rarely, I think that anyone that wants to help an addict you need to show them lots and lots of love and understanding, be gentle (but not stupid), try to do nice sober things with the person in question, to show them that you can still have fun without the drugs.

[yaba]

Swim lost most relationships because of his drug use even when the other-half has tried to help him.

He is a lot better now, but don't let him loose in a big city...

Anyway I think unconditional love and continuous support is all what can be done to help, until the person wants to stop using themselves..

But then again when swim went a bit of the rails the last time his best friend talked some sense into him and even his ex girlfriend talked some kind of sense into him..

And soon his friend will have to do the same thing again..

[dazedandconfused]

What to do when the addict( 37 yr old and 7 yrs together husband) closes you out of his treatment.He gives up on wife and babies. He includes his parents(cause they are easier to manipulate and use to devert his total fault onto me..twisted) Thay also have more to supply him with,vehicle,money...etc He chooses to let us go.How could he be serious about recovery if he chooses to give up his family cause he can't manipulate me anymore? It was I that have been with him thick and thin.But it was also me that "told him like it is" They won't stand up to him and "put it to him straight,up close and persona;" as I have and do and will continue to do. My family tells me to cut off 100% and move on without him. I too feel/believe he is a lost statistic. Anyone have this done to them. Been there for the addict then when the boundaries are set and no leverage can be played they don't won't you any longer? Feels like the ultimate back stab betrayal. Me and the babies are/were his family and it is us that he cuts out of his recovery. Recovery just a crutch/hoax for him to regain his supply from his parents and gain his freedom from the burden of his wife and kids????? How could he turn on me like this after I sacrificed my soul for him... I am so pissed

[Euthanatos93420]

Think of it this way. You didn't sacrifice your soul for him. You did what you did in hopes that your children would have a good father.

You've done what you can and you can't be held responsible for other peoples actions.

At this point your family is right. The most important thing in your life right now is your children. Perhaps in the future if he shows responsible and lvoing behaviour he might be given more time with the children but you need to do what you have to to ensure the childrens well being.

Adults always come second to the children. This means you might not get emotional support from a loving partner for a while and should substitute with other family and friends who care about the chilren as much as you do.

Self-centered people who do not realize the ultimate importance of children will continue to manipulate you even after you have told him he cannot anymore.

Right now it sounds like a game of chicken with him. He probably thinks you are not emotionally independent enough to be able to do without him.

The truth is probably the other way around and when he realizes his bluff has been called he will use sweet talk and act concerned/reformed.

This behaviour may not be entirely disingenuous but one should be certain by witnessing behaviour over an extended period of time. Someone who has proved to be manipulative and dishonest will not change because the circumstances demand it. But he will put on a damn good act.

Once again, in a family, the most important thing is the childrens well being, NOT the marriage. I could burn a few churches over that point....

Reputation Comments on this post:

detailed, supportive reply