How To Help My Partner Stop Drinking?

[elita-1]

hi, i need some advice about my boyfriend

I love the guy to bits and for the best part of 4 years, he has been the light of my life, and he still is. Theres just one problem, he has a lot of stuff going on and now feels as though he has to drink himself in to a stupor to cope. I worry about him as hes already had pains in his stomach and nearly lost his job.

He gets messed around a lot at work and theyve been tryin to oust him for a while now. his mum is ill. he nearly drove me away.

how can i make him see what hes doing to himself, i dont want to leave him as hes never made me feel like i come second best, but i dont like seeing him destroy himself

help

[Nature Boy]

Have you explained exactly how you feel just as you have described? You're better off just being honest with him. As you say, he's never left you feel second best so chances are he'll set himself straight, or at least make an effort, if you talk to him. As long as he understands how sincere you feel, he'll probably understand. Good luck.

[Cannibalistic_Lizard]

The only person who can change him, is himself, and thats only if he wants to change.
Other than that try sitting down and having a heartfelt conversation. Tell him your on the verge of leaving, its tearing you up, etc. and hopefully it works...

[elita-1]

i just find it hard to talk about it without coming across as a controlling bitch, i'm all for fun but not for this. any tips on how to broach the subject tact fully?

[Cannibalistic_Lizard]

Be at home with him alone, Sit on the couch or bedroom (comfortable place) and just talk with soft tones, You will never be a bitch for trying to help someone who is in need of it.

Reputation Comments on this post:

good reply, showing heart.

[elita-1]

thanks for the advice its nice to talk about it to someone once in a while

[bloot]

SWIClizard is right, the only person who can make him change is himself.. But you can make efforts for him to realize why he needs to change.. Everyone grabs notice of their problems differently, it may take major consequences or it may take someone they love telling them how bad they are hurting themselves and that they care.. As long as your intentions are good ( which SWIM knows that they are ) and you are not asking too much of him ( which you aren't ) all should be well.. But if he doesn't make effort to change after you point this out to him there is nothing you can do about it but let him face what consequences are there. SWIM knows it may seem that maybe the bottle has taken your place but I could almost guarantee you that it really is not like this, that it has just put a roadblock between you two.. Hopefully this could help, SWIM knows firsthand how it feels to be in his situation and although it may seem that it is all fun and games for him he is probably just as down about it as you are.

[elita-1]

Originally Posted by bloot

although it may seem that it is all fun and games for him he is probably just as down about it as you are.

it is getting him down, but he never talks to me about it, he worries that he;ll stress me out and make my asthma flare up again

[bloot]

It is probably quite a bit embarrassing for him to bring it up in conversation.. Maybe throw something hinting around his drinking into the conversation, letting him see that it is on your mind.

[st3v3]

To add to the above posts, get to the point with him when you both talk, don't get side tracked with other things, and just say something a long the lines of

Listen, I am telling you this because I love you, and I care about our quality of Life together, please take sometime out to think about what this is doing to yourself, and us, and the future of both us. Don't you want to be able solve your problems more rationally and positive? Don't you want a future with me? How are you going to expect to have one if this is how you are going to choose to deal with your problems in Life? You have a lot of important things to think about.

...and there that's it, end it. Don't say no more. Don't baby him. Don't act like his mom. Don't control him, your right. Don't bring out your insecurities in the conversation to him, just say the main stuff. You can act caring, but firm. The rest is really going to be up to him. He will need to see it for himself that he is dealing with his problems in a incorrect manner, and that it's only going to lead him into more problems as time passes.

Also, while it might be a happy moment should he say "Ill stop and solve my problems with more rational positive solutions" don't get so thrilled until he actually does so.

-Sounds like you are already giving him a strong loving chance, now you need to give him a fair warning. If he wants to see it as a threat, so be it.
Don't be too lovey dovey, you got to be firm, he needs to see that this isn't going to work out if it persist, and what he is going to lose if that happens.

-Try not to talk about what his issues are either, unless he wants to tell you. Then, just listen to him, and sound understanding, try not to offer him any advice, he has to learn how to make his own solutions correctly, let him know that.

A big part of Life is about learning from our mistakes, and making the right decisions. You have to make the right decision in this relationship.......it's up to you of how much you can withstand in this relationship, but don't get sucked too far deep. You have to reach a point where feeling sorry for him needs to stop, and that's not an easy thing to do, but you have got to reach that point, it's not right.

If you have already spoken with him, let it be for now. Then see where this goes. If it ever has to come to that point of you leaving, don't stop yourself, obviously what you feel is for a good reason. Just trust in yourself, should it ever get to that point. The problem with people who neglect there issues in Life with substances is that it almost always finally gets to the point where they either realize whatever needs to be realized, or they just keep getting worse, just set your limits, pull your head up, and hope for the best, or else you have to learn how to make the smart decision, and you have to learn how to stick with it.

He may be having it hard right now, but he has chosen to deal with his problems this way, and don't think for a flat-second he didn't know what the consequences would be. He knows, he's already passed that level. That's one of the reasons why you don't want to over enforce anything with him. You just need to give him something to think about, and say nothing more for now.

Reputation Comments on this post:

Great advice.

[hippie_lain]

i used to drink like that. i felt that its the only way i could feel better was drinking myself half to death and for the better part of 3 years i drank 5 times a week and blacked out all the time. usually id go through a 5th of henessy or whiskey. what snapped me out of it was going to jail and never wanting to go back...lol. i just hit a rock bottom that i never thought would happen to me. i decided that staying alive was more important than drinking and thought i owed it to my family. it was one of the hardest things to get off of but i did it and will be celebrating 3 years sober aside from a drink here and there this next march.

my advice to you is just support him in every step out of a pattern like his. he'll come to a time where he will want to quit and thats where your love and support comes in. but i agree with lizard, he has to want to quit himself and be ready to change his life and he will need you more than ever when that time comes.

[Lunar Loops]

Some great advice on here already and in particular st3v3.

As has already been said talk to him in an open and sincere way (never preach) and then give it some time. He may well say that he is going to change, but do not take this as granted. He may well have the best of intentions, but these do not always equate to actions. Wait for evidence of change in behaviour.

If there is no sign of change you may have very difficult decisions ahead of you. If he says he wants to give up, but is showing no sign of doing so, there are only so many times you can repeat the same message before you realise that you have to remove yourself from the situation. Hopefully it will not come to this, but if it does you have to be strong.

Sometimes it is only by hitting rock bottom that you can start the climb back up again. If this is the case, all you can do is stand back and wait for the moment where he truly is ready to change (i.e. has already started) and then provide support. If you continue to provide support whilst the behaviour continues you will be doing nobody any favours.

Good luck and I hope it all works out for you.

[MAC2505]

my girlfriend is a cronic alcholic and desperatley needs drying out. Any tips to help her would be greatley appreciated she is desperate

[Paracelsus]

If she is physically dependent (has to drink continuously to avoid withdrawal), she needs to seek medical care (unlike, say, opiate withdrawal, alcohol withdrawal is commonly fatal if the alcoholic is not under medical care). If the addiction is solely psychological, a recovery program may be in order if she can't stop on her own.

[IHrtHalucingens]

Is she on board to sobering up? Or are you trying to get her to sober up?

If she wants to sober up then the above advice is good, professional help and your support are both great tools to accomplish the task. The thing she really needs to grasp is once you stop drinking an alcoholic cant just have one beer now and then she must stop completely. SWIM has many friends that have relapsed because they think ive gone this long i can take one drink or one hit and be ok. Not true.

Now if she doesnt want to sober up then thats when it gets difficult. You can do your best to show her that she has a problem and that its affecting her life and that she needs to make a change. If she realizes it then great your lucky. But most likely she will deny that its as big of a problem as you think it is and that she has it under control. If this is the case then its going to be a tough road, she wont try to change until she hits rock bottom and realizes how destructive her behavior has been.

I hope the latter is not the case, but whatever the case is, i wish you and her luck.

[ktj]

Hello

I am after advice about how to help my boyfriend. He is struggling on and off with his alcohol dependency.

I feel very sensitive about it at all at the moment. I need some advice on how best to help and also deal with this situation. What should I do or not do etc?

Thanks

K

[ktj]

I'm in a similar situation to yourself. I have been with my boyfriend for just over a year. I love him like I never thought I would ever be able to love anyone, but the one problem is the alcohol is taking over his life and in turn every one around him.

So far the best way I have found of tackling the issue is speaking to him in a sober moment and if like my boyfriend he knows.

I would also welcome any advice on how to help tackle the issue.

My heart goes out to you as I know how it feels.

Lots of love
k