Okay, so this is the most amazing thing to happen in my life for a while... however scary...
Those who have read my previous posts will understand more of what I am talking about, and I am not going to repost my past experiences simply because they are littered across this forum... so I will spare the past details...
Okay, so battling depression and all of this existential crap lately is the short version, and I was up in tallahassee doing community service because my dumb ass got myself in a rediculous amount of trouble. So I was sitting in a coffee shop drinking quite a bit of coffee looking at the forum and then decided to make a livejournal so that I may freewrite my feelings out....
(
http://egnarodude.livejournal.com/)
After this i felt... weird... so I called my therapist and asked him if i could speak with him and see him later that day. He said yes of course and as I began to tell him that I wasnt doing so well I felt myself begin to cry.... this slowly snowballed into a wave of uncontrollable crying which eventually led to a wave of uncontrollable laughing... the laughter was very liberating. In fact I had had this exact experience before while on LSD, the first time i decided to stop living my life the way other people want me to etc... and kind of faced everything in my mind.... The exact same crying into laughter happened, and as soon as I tried to attach myself to the laughter is when the crying would begin again....
this was exactly what was happening after I called my therapist....
For the next... i dont know half an hour or so.... I was talking to myself out loud saying "Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no..." and arguing but agreeing with myself... it was like I let go of my defenses and was allowing things in... I kept telling myself, "If people saw you right now they would think that you are crazy!, ... but i didnt care... THAT was the liberating part of it... This happened yesturday, I feel more like myself since that happened.. The weird part of it is that i want to experience that again, but not for the actuall experience... for the end result... It brought me closer to myself and that is ALWAYS a good thing....
When I saw my therapist later that night, I felt very relaxed.... and explained to him that I had quite a bit of coffee... at the time of the experience there was a point in my mind that was telling me... you had a lot of coffee this is just the coffee... I acknowledged that, but at the same time acknowledged the fact that regardless of whatever chemicals were in my body that that given moment was what I was feeling... it was just what made sense at the time....
I guess the coffee helped? lol GO COFFEE (as I sit in a coffee shop atm.. lol)
09-09-2007, 03:12
Hybrid Mode
