Can't feel the effects...

[no-go]

SWIM was wondering if someone could care to shed some light, offer some suggestions, on SWIM's current situation. Basically SWIM cannot feel the usually available uppers and is panicking about what to do.

Background: SWIM has been a heavy coffee drinker (12 8-oz cups/day) for years, also has been on SSRI (Paxil, effexor, lexapro, etc) for 5 years. Athletic and exercised regularly. Read for entertainment.

Well, A year after quitting SSRI in early 20's, SWIM feels tired constantly, perpetually so... requires up to 12 hours a sleep a day. Struggles to read and retain, has memory/focus problems.

One day, someone gives SWIM a dozen or so old 10mg adderall pills. Loved it. Took them all in a week = finally, awake again, life is wonderful! A month later Drs give 60pill Methylin ER script. SWIM uses 2 such scripts over next 4 months, ingesting 1/day at study time, and none on the weekends.

Still routinely tired, though, about down to 30 pills of second script, SWIM hears they are stronger crushed and snorted, so tries it. Rush is intense and likeable; all-nighters were no problem. Great euphoria and energy, closest thing to a line of coke. The remaining 30 pills used in this manner daily, but never used recreationally (always at study time) (had a good reason not to abuse, MPH kills libido which is SWIM's and his partner's daily enjoyment).

After a month hiatus, the next script comes in, but this time it's generic MPH SR, which cannot be insufflated, so instead it is ingested as directed. which actually worked very well, an additional hour of energy. next script was Methylin ER again, and was half ingested (parachuted), sometimes insufflated for quick pick-me ups.

That makes for a total of 4 scripts in 7 months, all acquired depending on need. So far, low abuse record, but a lot of good use.

Then SWIM finally gets to snort addy 30mg IR's. Enjoys the extended energy (superior to MPH) and the extra focus (about equal to MPH), but very low on the feel-good "high" side (no euphoria, but distinctly elevated happiness). 8 of these are divided in 2 week period, all taken by insufflation and all effective.

SWIM decides, next script will be MPH IR, to avoid cellulose and talcum. Just about every pills is insufflated and enjoyed, and even had extras by the refill date. The euphoria, the energy, the mental acuity, SWIM never felt so good as that month. 1 pill a day meant some for recreation, which involved doing 2-3 (60mg) on fri night and playing chess or reading a book while drinking beer.

Well, SWIM let another 2 months go before reloading on MPH IR, and *this* script started to lose its shine... most of it *was* abused b/c effectiveness seemed decreased... SWIM will get EXTREMELY euphoric from 20mg line, but little energy, and limited ability to read/focus. SWIM seemed to be sitting there relaxed and smiling, making it useless. So SWIM tried sublingual and ingesting with little added benefit (some physical nrg, no mental). Sold the rest and abandoned MPH.

SWIM tried 30mg addy's again. Insufflated and swallowed about 4 of them in a night and had strong body rush that went away within hours; none of the usual mental benefits, little happiness and intellectual stamina. Insomnia though, very badly. SWIM blew through 160mg in a week trying to force the damn stuff to work, and it did not work well.

SWIM doubts this is a tolerance issue. 6 methylphenidate scripts in 11 months, and the only abuse is technical, because of the route of administration. Plus, doing more than the usual 1-2 pills just agitates SWIM rather than recapturing the lost highs.

So now SWIM is back to feeling an extremely heavy tiredness is blanketing his everyday existence, clouding his mind and ruining his ability to do things.

SWIM wonders if anyone here has suggestions. Should SWIM ask for the MPH similar stuff like concerta or focalin? SWIM knows amp. seems not to work as well for its intended purpose (alleviating extreme tiredness) so will NOT ask for adderall XR and does not trust anything less than 30mg to be effective in one dose, which is unlikely to be prescribed.

Also, is there any reason this would be happening? Did SWIm give himself brain cancer by insufflating too many pills? Did SWIM cause toxicity to himself, especially given SSRI history? Why do so many people get high and euphoric off amp. but SWIM cannot, while MPH does work that way for him?

Thanks if SWIY can offer suggestions/comments...