morphine addiction- please help before my life goes down the shitter

[rob42853]

swim finnished swims bupranorphine course two weeks ago went from 6mg a day down to 3mg then jumped off, before that swim was on 32mg max dose alloud here for 12 months, about two weeks ago was swims last dose, the dickhead doctores down here in my lovly very small town are assholes swim was on 6mg of bupranorphine for the last sixteen months then they kiked me of arfter i had a verbal fight with me ex prosistute junky slut of a counceler where she was totaly in the worng but put the blame on swim the junky scum and now my life is going to the gutter again cence they kicked me off the program over the last few weeks, the next day swim had allready got into a 60mg ms contin habbit and now a week later swim on $60 dollars a day for 4 20mg kappanols (morphine sulphate) injecting them but swim is trying to spread it out, but im going down a horrible road to hell and if the dickhead docters wont help there going to have a 6'5' 120kgs roided up freak sico dickhead- swim on there scrauney boddys and swim will punch there heads into pulp, then fill my own scripts swim is going to try get back on the program but they last time swim talk to one of these dickhead docters they said if i come back they would put me on methodone or send me to rehab but swim cannot go to rehab my oldies think im an angel and i dont wont to put them through the pain of knowing there son is fucked up on opiates and ive keep them blind to swimy problem because i want to beat it myself and then swim will tell mum a few yeares down the track what happened when im no longer addicted, swim has stresssed mum out to much and want to have the demon off my back soon as possible. Swim went to morph because hammer bags down here are hopeless morph pills are much better. Can anyone send me someone how isent anyone advise swim please swim wants out of this hell. or to just die.
Thankyou for reading my letter from Rob.

[samuraigecko]

Hello.

One can definitely sympathize with you on this as SWIM has been through it before. All swim now does is dabble in a little Opium from time to time, and this is not very often now either.

SWIM had a pretty huge H habit and would also get into the MS Contins and Oxycontins whenever they were available even if he had already had his quota of H. He loved it all, any opiate imaginable. He would buy methadone from the people on the methadone prog who were allowed to get "take aways" as we call it etc.

Basically all of these drugs are very simmilar and in some cases almost the same. If One were to be so inclined One could ween himself off slowly but it takes will power. SWIM is not like the majority of other people in this respect because he seems to have a huge amount of will power. He weened himself of a little bit at a time only over a 2 week period then said "i cant be fucked any more" and just stopped. Some people can do that and some people cant, However, SWIM believes that ALL people CAN do that if they are determined enough and have good reason too.
Here is an example:
One called his councilor a "stupid junkie hooker bitch" etc. Does this really differ from SWIY? it seems to SWIM that a junkie is a junkie as long as they are sticking junk in their arms. SWIM did not intend that to be offensive in any way, he was just pointing out the inconsistency of the statement.

Obviously SWIY wants OUT of this situation and although councilors and programs CAN help, ultimately One has to help Ones SELF. SWIY has probably heard this from his councilors a thousand times already, but from one who has been there SWIM can say that it IS true. If SWIY is determined enough, strong enough, willful enough and has good reason to follow through on everything he promises himself then SWIY may have an awesome chance of making it.

This is SWIM's way of thinking about almost anything, including addictions:

"No "person" and no "thing" is going to dictate to me how I feel or view things. To allow them to do this is for them to have total control over me, and I am my own master. I CONTROL ME AND MY OWN ACTIONS. No one else is responsible for me except . . . Me"


That is a direct quote from SWIM. So his recommendation is to find SWIY's own power within because it DOES exist. Opiate addiction and withdrawal may make you think and feel like you are going to die, but the fact is that you ARENT. Most people are scared of giving up because of the pain and discomfort it brings, but the pain and discomfort only lasts for a while then its gone. One has to ask ones self: "is it really going to make a difference two weeks from now?" . . . . Look within ones self to find the answer.
'
hope this has in some way helped.

Reputation Comments on this post:

	excellent advice and patience for writing down a long strong post in response to a borderline flaming post.
	good advice

[greenfox]

I hate to be a prick, but my pet Fox Bubbles had a similar problem. Bubbles has been in and out of WD SO MANY TIMES it's beyond mention- SWIY could "tough it out" and stay on a couch for a week, smoke lots of weed, etc, etc, or try the 'Done (of course the 'Done has its own problems)... Bubbles was lucky enough to have ready access to SUB's and the DOc made a comment that it could be a lifetime thing. Wow. Nice. Oh well, hope SWIY does well...

take care, and tell SWIY to just be safe, no matter what. Nothing is worth the 'iv.

[wreckreational]

Swim knows how bad being sick is and is truley sorry for swiy's pain but what your experiencing now can be kicked in 3-5 days much better than a methadone kick trust swim thats a path swiy don't want to get on. depending on how they'll give it to swiy MD can help swiy kick. 10mg pills can be taken as a pyramid (4 the first day, 3 the second etc.) just tell swiy to be careful if someone gets a done habit the kick is cosiderably longer (upto a month). swiy can also use a number of weaker opiates to step themselves down they just have to stay well not try to get high, this sounds easier than it is. the monkey must be fed, and he never wants to just not be hungry.

[rob42853]

Thanks I will beat it.

Reputation Comments on this post:

here have some points, its the best I can do for ya

[samuraigecko]

One applauds you for your strength and courage. I am sure that we all support you in this as most of us know that this can be a tough thing to beat. but we have confidence in you, you WILL beat this.

Reputation Comments on this post:

that was nice

[wreckreational]

best of luck swiy has swim's support

Reputation Comments on this post:

that was a nice hand

[Fantasian]

SWIF has been where you are, and feels real empathy for what your going through. Just remember it's all about the willpower.

[rob42853]

Swim Thanks swiy all very much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !

[Ellis D.]

cold turkey is a wild experience, nothing like staying up all night shivering and sweating your ass off at the same time. and the aches, holy fuckin shit joint aches body aches back aches headaches...fukin BS. But it is the best way tto do it. It will be a aweek at most of bad withdrawls but shouldn't be anytying too make you go crazy. only 2-3 days will be the worst of it.

if SWIY able to stay in one spot taking a nice warm bath can almost make SWIY forget SWIY withdrawling. Also your personal doctor might prescribe you somehting like valium or clonazepam which help a lot with the heebie jeebies. good luck and try to keep a positive mindset.

[Psych0naut]

Aren't there any other centers in the area who supply bupe? It will probaply be worth a long drive. Otherwise SWIY's GP might be a last option. They can be very understanding and helpful with helping their patients kick the habit. Good luck, hang in there buddy, think about the positive things, and let them push away all the horrible junk. You can do it, you just have to repeat it enough times untill your brain makes the right switch. You have my support.

[rob42853]

Swim thanks all again, swims main troble is my head im addicted to the needle. I'm am getting better slowly tho, swim thanks swiall very much for all the support. I will beat this horrible addiction.

[rob42853]

it beat swim of course

[samuraigecko]

tell swim to try again, most of the time it will never work the first time. One has to strive.

[rob42853]

hello people still here an still addicted but only on 3ml ov methadone nowdays

rob42853 added 3 Minutes and 2 Seconds later...

Hello peoples i still here addicted but much less so now dayz only on 3ml =15mg of methadone daily. Now my new problem is getting of this last bit

[Naked Lunch]

Transfer, with a new doctor, back onto suboxone/subutex and stay on it, sometimes its the only way. Swims been using Heroin for 15 years and has been on the program many times and is currently on it, its either the program or Heroin form this swimmer. So Swim chops and changes between the two every now and then.

Long term Subutex maintenance is about the cleanest a lot of people can hope for, and there's nothing wrong with that if you're only going to the Chemist 3 days a week, its not so bad. Think about the alternative?

[x2thez53913]

SWIM thinks SWIY is a fckn douche. 6'3'' 120kg jacked up roid ass. SWIY knows nothing about roids and it drives SWIM nuts when idiots give roids a bad name.
and 6'3'' 120kg is not big at all... SWIM is 22yo(yes age swim messed up) 111kg at 5'10'' natty. LET me guess SWIY is ripped to shreads at 120kg like ronnie coleman.
IDIOT. sorry, SWIM had to vent. SWIM would like to say quit chasing the dragon

Reputation Comments on this post:

	Flaming and rude.
	Flaming nonsense. Please try and be constructive in future. I'm just glad the OP is probably long gone.

[oshngrl]

Swim has empathy for Swiy, and hopes he will get through the tough parts.

Swim just wants to say, the fear compounds everything. Hang in there, you can do it!

[x2thez53913]

To everyone that negged SWIX for the above post he would liek to say sorry but being part of bodybuilding forums for years it drives SWIX nuts when someone talks about roids in the wrong manner.
SWIX hopes the op is doing good and knows with strong will and assistance he could beat it.

Reputation Comments on this post:

	Good for learning from his mistake, and for supporting the OP.
	Very nice change in attitude

[I_8_my yellow crayon]

Swim also had problems like swiy has, except his DOC was dilaudid. He decided to put his needles down, but this was very hard to do. Opiates are usually(sorry to say) a habit that either takes extreme willpower, which only about 5% of people addicted have, or it takes professional help, but be confident, swiy is on the right path. Also, swiy may find better feedback from the addiction forum on drugs-forum. Check it out, as there are alot of similer situations to swiy's in there, and alot of support and knowledge. You know this road all to well, most swimmers who have been where you are do to, some go back, even though they don't know why, opiates are hard. swim also had a family like yours, and they weren't to happy at first to hear the news, but they treat swim with alot of respect now. swim still takes opiates, but they are prescribed for a life long pain problem swim has. But these are very hard drugs to control. For swim it takes the support of swims wife. swims not perfect, and takes more than he should sometimes, but atleast swim doesn't put holes in his arms anymore. If you can't beat this by yourself, then you must seek help. If swiy's drug problem is as bad as swiy has said, then it may kill swiy one day. swiy has to wage war on that habit, an take all means nessecary to beat it, even if that means, family's help. Take care, best of luck my friend.

[rob42853]

UPDATE As time goes on swim am learning to deal with being addicted to opiates, an The hole problem in the first place is the laws stopping all swi us "junkys" to grow sti our own poppys and buy chemicals and equipment to make swims goods (fuck these laws they will kill us all in the end!?). These days swim finds 3ml of done taken proply every day to be the best then swim can hav a shot every now and then like once a week at the very most, prefably and mostly once a month. Swim has been a good swim an gets 5 take home doeses a week making swims life a little better than before thats for sure.

rob42853 added 4 Minutes and 0 Seconds later...

It was a while ago swim posted the start of this thread, now days swim is going much better and totallly agrees with all swiy said/typed

[Grabnar]

swim feels for you m8 , afoaf gets 6x 10mg done pills a day for pain management those can help but since swiy is on program better to follow the program , swim was opiate free for over a year then suffered a minor stroke and was hit up in the hospital with the morph and the dilaudid IV even after swim told them no. since then swim has been variating all sorts of combinations to keep his dosages low and those heart shaped 8s out of the spoon. Its no easy thing b/c they are virtually cost free to swim and has access to all his buddies insulin needles and lab equips. keep to the done its the safer way and at your dose you could taper off with vikes or tramadols or something else low strength while the methadone build up in your liver is wearing low. good luck swiy , hopefully one day all swimmers will be able to get what they need w/o harassment and gettin caged up.

[Enlightenme]

SWIM is sorry for your situation. SWIM understands that at times it may seem that doctors don't know what they are doing, and not helping SWIY properly. However, it will not help SWIY to carry all this anger and resentment towards others. SWIM needs to swallow his pride and quit blaming others for his problem. SWIY got himself into this mess, and lashing out at others with hate and threats will not help SWIY one bit. You should accept the fact that you need help because you obviously can't quit on your own. It sounds like you use every chance you get with your doses spiking and escalating all over the place. If you want to quit, plan it out and take responsibility for your actions. Blaming and threatening your doctors for your problem is only going to make your situation, and your addiction, worse. The fact that you're letting steroids become an excuse for your anger is another dangerous situation. You really need to at least attempt to get control of yourself and your situation; and if you can't, accept it and realize that rehab may be your only option at this point. SWIM suggests trying kratom, as it was a godsend for lessening opiate withdrawals. You need to make a decision to quit the opiates first though; otherwise you'll end up with two addictions at the same time. SWIM knows it's a terrible thing what you are going through, but the only way to break this addiction is to man up and take responsibility. Only then will you be able to see clearly enough to have enough control to actually start fighting the drug.

Reputation Comments on this post:

You have to take responsibility for your drug use, good point.

[boostedHULK]

as for the steroids thing and aggression. only people who were already naturally aggressive have those "side-effects" from gear. and aggression is never the correct reaction, regardless of the situation. But, as was said, it's all up the person who wants the change. When Swim actually made the decision to quit, went through the same, kick it, back on it scenario for 3+ years, daily dosage, and i eventually moved to a different town, lost contacts, got away from those HOT SPOTS i enjoyed my times at. It wasn't the move that really got me to quit, but more that fact that i had made the decision that i was gonna do anything and everything i could to quit. Instead of telling myself slowly letting myself down over months would be a better option (because i tried that first, it extended the process a few years). best of luck to ya, and wish you all the best.

[1korger!]

SWIM has put much thought toward the topic of addiction and its causes and its cures.

In SWIMS theory addiction is mainly addiction because of a few things. One of the major things is simply it is a habbit, it is a habbit for swiyour brain to bring that thought up(something like a muscle memory response/activation), and for the actions to be taken after that to achieve the goal. One of the main methods of getting out of this is to overlay that habbit with another one. Such as everytime the thought of gettin high comes up, another thought, say reading a book, also has to come up, and the reading a book must be completed before the H use. Eventually building more things onto this until swiyou have a collection of hobbies(and maybe a job) that you continuously work on and dont have much extra time except for rest and eating.

Also, keep in mind life isnt about feeling good. The bad feelings in life are equally as important as the good feelings, and both should be recognized and considered fully. Its not bad to feel bad.

Theres also another feeling that swim wouldnt consider "good" but more like satisfaction, or along the lines of pride, a sense of accomplishment that can be recognized within oneself and accentuated to a higher degree, this, most can find when doing(living) a day, getting much done, being able to see a change in ones surrounding because of ones influence(it can be quite amazing, just how much can change from oneself). we are all 100% responsible for ourselves and have complete control of our bodies and minds(sometimes it takes great practice to achieve complete control, even of subcioncious processes) when it comes down to it.

Doing this all at once, as in cold turkey, is very difficult and quite a shock to the system, no wonder it isnt all that effective. Swiyou must de-program swiyourself from all the time swiyouve spent programming yourself to seek this stuff out. Which, takes time, the more willpower one has the less time it will take, but anyone with any amount of willpower can do it, its all about never increasing dose, stay equal or bring it down.

Needle obsession is in the same category, since this is quite what got swim, but just remember its alright to be obsessed(swiyou dont need to act on it), there will be a day sometime where it will be appropriate for swiy to satisfy, be patient and the day will come, in the meantime play some music, read a book, go to work, do some HW, whatever it takes to occupy your mind, do some tai chi!

Hope this helps.

PS: A dose of a hallucinogen can help motivate and keep willpower up in SWIMS experience, lsd and mushrooms work. Dont dose when in W/D though, before and after