swims cocaine use patterns, self control etc

[epote]

aright, swim, is making this for self control and well, out of interest so as other people can see how somebody like swim deals with cocaine.

A little info about swim:

he has two degrees, one in mathematics, one in physiology, is relatively smart, kind of ADD, cultivated, doesnt have an addictive personality (no alcohol, coffee, tobaco - just cocaine - shit:P). Ocasional MDMA user (not more often than once every 8 weeks). Introverted, athlete and relatively good looking, in a serious study relationship that he kind of wants out of.

anyhow, SWIM tried first time cocaine last xmas, used something like 0.8 of a gramm untill easter. Then another gramm in like 6 weeks doing once a week (with the odd adition - shit again) At which point he threw his stash away wasnt much anyway, like 2 grams.

swim out of bad circumstance got something like 8gr of very good to excelent quality cocaine 3 weeks ago. Done perhaps a bit over a gramm in these three weeks, lets say 1.5 gram which kind of scares swim. Now he uses in very small amounts, no more than 300mg every time, even less like just one or two small lines when on vacation. But its kind of escalating, its been a week now that swim is using almost every day (day 1-5 less than one line a day though) and the last two days did 0.7of a gram. So, persicly because its escalating, swim is making this blog.

the plan is NOT to use at least untill next week. See how that goes.

ask away questions if you want, swim has tried all kinds of crapy and good cocaine, best untill now is the acetone whashed greek stuff he got


so, initial plan was, since last sutarday, to abstain for a week

unfortunately plan went to hell, the circumstances that would make the weekend preferable presented themself today and the day after tomorow, so swim will be partying then.

Obviously, thats just poor self control and bullcrap excuses, but there you have it.

hopefully, after that, swim will abstain for some time (starting again work and uni kind of makes oportunities to use few, and up utill now, swim does not "crave" just cant resist the temptation to have some fun - which is what craving is?:P)

anyhow, swim is using 250mg today, and another 300 the day after tomorow.

one question, has any of your flamingos, went through this stage before full blone adiction? SWIM means, is that kind of pattern what everyone goes through?

[methMADMAN]

This is WELL known in addiction circles, and I've said it before, but I'll say it again. If a person has to stop and think about controlling their use of a substance then they are at least in teh beginning stages of addiction. A person without an addiction issue never has cause to even ask themself if they have things under control. You may hear a lot of other opinions about this but any professional in the field will tell you that this is true.

[epote]

yes yes true true, so, abstaining for some time, or forever would be a good idea

[epote]

oh well, hopefully after thursday

[Nahbus]

Yep, SWIY might just keep making little exceptions here and there about the use, and it just makes it exponentially harder to quit.
SWIM had a pretty bad cocaine habit a while back, and yes, asking yourself if you have a problem is most definitely the first signs. Especially because SWIY made a vow and immediately made an exception after.
Anyway, everyone is different, some can control themselves easy, others can't. But SWIM thinks just making this post is proof of a big concern of yours, and thinks SWIY should listen to the gut and take it easy for a while, even if it means skipping out on the upcoming parties. The first few times you decline cocaine and go through with it makes you feel so good about yourself. For SWIM anyway.
Well, good luck.. you know what to do.
Be safe. Peace.

[elmariachi304]

It seems like you're not in it deep enough that you can't kick this if you do it now. 0.7g in two days is not a lot.

[methMADMAN]

Originally Posted by elmariachi304

It seems like you're not in it deep enough that you can't kick this if you do it now. 0.7g in two days is not a lot.

If it's fucking with swiy's life, it's plenty too much. And, happily, anyone can "kick" if they want to. Some easier than others. Some just make a decision, and some need treatment. There is a wealth of support out there if swiy should need it. Swim knows he does, and benefits greatly from it. But only swiy, can know when "enough is enough".

[rocksmokinmachine]

SWIM would recommend keeping a diary, noting quantity used, time used and how you feel when SWIY uses. This will help SWIY get a grasp on his patterns of use and self control. It worked for SWIM.

[epote]

rocks:

swim does do that, swim has used in TOTAL since he first tried cocaine (well the first time it wasnt cocaine, its was crap with speed but anyway) Something like 4 grams more or less.

that is since last xmas.

but thats not the point, Swim wanted to try *good* cocaine, that was achieved today, swim wont be able to get anything better than this, so Swim, after that is out of the game.

Cocaine is a strange thing, and swim hates the feeling that he might develop a problem with it (especially because cocaine feels so similar to crap food craving to swim, and swim had issues with obesity).

So swim is doing like 0.4mg of a bunch of 6 grams of that excelent quality stuff today and the rest will be given away, dealers informed not to give swim anymore (even though swim feels perfectly capable to control it, he doesnt want to take chances) and thats that.

strange thing is swim feels like he might be developing a problem ONLY during the crash (lol obviously). He doesnt crave or anything.

Anyway, swim doesnt party, he does it alone, and what concerend swim is three things

1) the use has been more frequent during the last month
2) swim seems to find excuses to get off scedule. Though, not quantitively. For excample, swim plans to use a total of x quantity untill next week, and swim will do that and no more, but due to the fact that plans change he does it in other dates and cant seem to say "no" to using now instead of later
3) one very important thing to avoid addictive behaviors is to avoid the combination of an addictive substance with daily/regular habits. And while swim does that with prety much everything, cocaine has somehow managed to creep up and is dangerously medling with normal tasks like reading and browsing the net.

In any case, from here one this log will be to stating how swim manages with completely staying away

p.s those 3 gramms where split up like 1 gram in 8 months and another 2 (+0.5) in the last month, ergo its getting borderline dangerous.

a question for everybody, do you believe it was worth it? I mean cocaine, assuming you never had serious problems (and few people actually manage to get serious problems but anyway) if you where given the chance would you try it again?

Swim thinks that cocaine has a tendency to become another thing swim sould control himself of like junk food or women or smt, i.e. not worth it

p.s.2 (total quantity used. First batch 0.6gr used all of it, second 0.6gr used all of it, third 3.5gr used like 1gr, gave the rest away, last two batches 3.5gr and 5gr used like 1.5-2gr of both so hmmm 4 something grams in total in 9 months or so)

[rocksmokinmachine]

I think it is a good thing that SWIY has some of the self restrain most cocaine users seem to lack. Alot of habitual users would not be able to keep 8g lying around, and would probably continue to snort until either the supply and/or money was gone.

I think it is also a good thing that you have noticed it MAY turn into a problem. There will be certain 'triggers' in SWIY's life that bring on cravings, these will be personal to SWIM, try to write these down and also indentify 'high risk' situations, and think about how SWIY could avoid these.

There are many things also that help with cravings, brazil nuts and lavendar bath oil are good. Also auricular accupunture is something that has been PROVEN to reduce cocaine cravings.

[epote]

well SWIM thinks him self as "not stupid" in any case, swim just gave up the rest of his stash to a mate, told all of his sources not to give him any more and thats that.

though, his sources giving him aint a problem, even if they gave swim wouldnt want any. Those 8g where the finest possible quality one can find. Was from a kilo brick, without any cuts, and was further whased with acetone. Swim tried it today for the first time. Most he has ever done, in one sitting, i.e. 0.8 of a gr, as a "ferwale". Well the problem of that stuff is this:

It is fucking unbelieavable. Swim knew that cocaine sould be mild, euphoric, and sould not crash you that badly after moderate use. Well, swim thought he knew that, untill today. Almost two hours since last line and the only crashing he has is a burning and cloged nose. Thats it. Nothing else, no anxiaty, no fucked up feelings nothing. Its insane.

Anyhow, goodbuy cocaine That was swims goal, to experience the best possible, cocaine, he did, and hes out hopefully. Ill be keeping this thread posted though

[epote]

god damn, SWIM just did, his last two lines. Last as in actually physicaly the last two lines given that he doesn't have anymore (gave away to a friend most of it, threw some in the trash etc) and cant find anything even close to the quality of what he had obtained this time.

So ok, swim used today in his first, only, and last binge, in 9 hours (from 3.30 am to 12.15 am) something close to 0.8-0.9 of a gramm. Totalled 40 lines, of which actually *good* in the full meaning felt the first 10 or smt,the rest where just...well because its cocaine, its what it does, makes you want more.

Ok, swim cought himself feeling well kind of like parting from a friend, when the last lines where made, and making a ritual of the last lines, trying to deside how and when to do them etc.

obviously, those things are enough to tell swims rational part of the brain, that he got way to close to the devil. So he probably took the measures and decided to stop early enough to avoid fucking up himself. Apparently not early enough to not care, but whatever, it'll go away.

In retrospect, now, that swim is kind of high still (its like 15 mins from swims last line), he feels, that he had enough, kind of feels bad that he used so much and so frequently (by swims standarts ofcource!). Having some guilt about it all, and thiks that he sould of have never tried cocaine! All this while not excactly craving, but wanting to do more. Either now, or at some point in the future, and feeling those feelings of loosing a friend. Fucked up Swim knows

Its just not worth it, in swims mindset right now. Yes its a nice high, but then again, swim finds that MDMA is far better (and much more controlable! Swim does MDMA 1 year, once every two months at most). But the positives do not in any form or way make up for the negatives.

The positives for swim, are that it made him quite extroverted and "sharing" (swim is rather the opposite of that). Made listening to music actually enjoyable (for swim music is blunt, he can listen to it, but will not persuade to listen to music. It makes him more focused, and calms him down. Finaly it makes swim have a fucking god time on his own god dammit

The negatives. Damn, where to start. a) the extroverted thing, its good while it lasts but it doesnt last long enough and then again, swim has "shared" prety fucked up things while high on cocaine. Made his gf unhappy quite a few times by telling her all short of crap that he sould of kept to himself. b) money, swim has spend almost 1500 to 2000 usd into cocaine. He has bought a total of almost 10grams in his venture to cocaine since last december (though actually did no more than half that, the rest he experimented with, lost in his atemts to purify it or gave to friends for free/threw away to protect himself). While 2000 usd are not that much, there are people here who have spend alot more zeros than that, it is still a figure swim respects and does not want to escalate any more. c) remorce, swim still feels remorce when using cocaine, doesnt really know why though it is very real. Not during the crash, but actually during the high d) addiction pottential. Obviously, its very high, as swim found out. And while getting addicted to cocaine can be well, not that dangerous, physiologicaly, if you manage to maintain the use to levels that do not cause physiological, or phycological problems, it is against swim's morals and values. Swim hates to being controled by anything. Swim has had (and still haves his addiction problems) with food. And cocaine looks ALOT like food craving to SWIM. D) the crash, while as swim found out can be controled if using really good cocaine in moderate amounts, it is still there. E) medling with normal life activities,swim is an athlete and a coach so cocaine use can really mess these things up. Severely. F) the very fact, that swim sits around writing all those things like he is breaking up with his GirlFriend, makes swim, feel bad. G) finaly soscial reasons, cocaine is frowned upon, swim hides his use form his GF, etc

simply not worth all the trouble cocaine. So farewell and good riddance

(btw, swim feels like shit that something quite insubstantial like a psycoactive substance have made him, write this post).

Swim got to close to having the abyss look back at him.

[epote]

jeeesus, see thats excactly what SWIM hates about cocaine, where in gods name did he find the energy (or reason!) to write all those crap? I mean, hell they aint wrong, they are just redundant.

anyways, a couple of observations.

almost 0.8gr of pure cocaine used in 9 hours produced no noticeable crash. I shit you not. The stuff swim had yesterday made *everything* else look like a kick in the balls.

Swim does not crave it or anything, what he feels, in bursts is a kind of sadness because he knows that even if he wanted, he would never be able to find stuff like that ever again.

aaaanyhow, for anyone interested, what goes round in the streets, is not cocaine, lejunk or any other experienced user will confirm this. Cocaine does not make you feel like shit if you are reasonably moderate with it.

hopefully those bursts of well sadness will diminish.

Swim has come to this conclusion. Actuall, reall, proper cocaine is like sex. It makes you feel fucking gread, has no reall short term drow backs, if you've never experienced it you dont miss it, but after the first time your very essence wants more of it, and if you do it improperly, you could very well end up dead or crazy.

the sole difference is that sex doesnt fit in your pocket, on a little miror on your desk and is hardly available 24/7 (then again neither is actually properly good cocaine...)

[IntrepidTraveler]

Man if SWIY is actually that concerned about becoming addicted, I don't think SWIY has much to worry about. Then again...SWIM wouldnt ever recommend drug use that SWIY doesn't feel personally content with.

[epote]

yeah well besides, im telling you, swim is never buying street cocaine, its crap, its ridicule. Swim will simply not let a dude, with the intelligence of a retarded earthworm to take his money and give him shit.

swim had a source that gave him actual cocaine, that source is in prison as we speak serving 18 years. So even if swim wanted he couldnt find that stuff. Assuming he could, he would never buy as much as he did. Having 4 grams of good quality stuff lying around is dangerous, its only that you could use it in one go or smt like that, what if you get cought?

[epote]

update just for funs sake, swim took no steps to obdain cocaine while money and dealers are not a problem.

two reasons, 1) doesnt really fit into swims scedule right now 2) street cocaine is crap

BUT swim started thinking of finding the proper chemicals for a hcl->base->hcl convertion, it doesnt go that easy does it?:P

but swim has no "cravings" or anything, not like when he is getting high on coke. Anywho, all is smooth more or less.

bad thing is that swim kind of gave up the "never again" concept, replaced it with "well in a few months from now if proper stuff comes up".

dangerous teritories cocaine is