My troubling depression problem. (please read)

[Kakkoii]

Hi, I'm new to this forum, I signed up looking for input on a problem of mine, I would be greatfull for some from people.

When I was 5 and moved from ontario, my parents split up, I ended up living in a trailer park with my mom,bro,sis. I had my group of friends I hung out with as I grew up, As I hit grade 7 I came to more self realization of myself, and with the way everyone knows how school is like, I devoloped very bad body dysmorphic disorder. (Disorder where I see things in myself alot worse then they actually are.)

My school experience was a very complicated one, I wasn't an outcast, I had many friends, but at the same time had many depressing things happen. I've always had about an inch of fat on me, like 10 pounds over weight, which isn't alot, but enough to be teased at the beach, or have girls be less interested in you, And be embarrassed in gym. Even tho they're are much fatter kids. These days men have alot more pressure put on appearance then before.

When I was in grade 8, I'd go out drinking with my trailer park buds every weekend or so, I'd have to sneak out in the middle of the night or lie about sleeping at a friends. Then have to wait the night out and walk in the front door silently. Through that drinking, I was introduced to marijuana at a party once, Of which I used to call people idiots for smoking. But I was drunk and tried it. I like the feeling and ended up buying an ounce from a friends dealer a few months later. I would smoke weed every weekend or second weekend, and when I went snowboarding.

I was smart with it, I know excessive use of marijuana can lead to brain damage, So I only did it once in a while.

I used to bring vodka in a water bottle to school and drink it in class on some days. My depression started in grade 8, before I started marijuana. I started drinking because of the depression.

I hated my life, and my mom made it worse with her poor parenting skills and immature ways of dealing with problems.

In grade 9, I actually failed it, Because I was always staying at home. But the principle wanted me out of the school so he kicked me to grade 10 so id be in the highschool. (I was a bit of a trouble causer every now and then.)

I dropped out of school in grade 10 as my depression got worse. I developed a strong sociaphobia. Which was keeping me from going to school. I also have ADD which makes it hard for me to do school work.

I was first put on Dexedrine and told to try school, So I tried an at home school program. The dexedrine helped a bit with the school work but not much. The sociaphobia was keeping me from going to the school to hand in my work, and going to the weekly class. So I dropped out yet again.

These past months now I have been trying different antidepressants. The first one I tried was "Wellbutrin". It made me slightly happy but still did not do much, Even when I was taking double my dose, They're wasn't much a change.

The next one I had tried was "Zoloft" But that one just made me irritable and angered.

The third one, Which I am on right now is "Celexa" it's an SSRI. And even tho I am taking double the dose, They're is still not much of a change in me.


I am constantly very depressed, with thoughts of suicide. I have no care for anything anymore, Not much amuses me. I just feel like laying down and withering away. The things I used to like to do for fun, No longer are fun. Everything seems boring to me. And I don't like to leave my house at all my sociaphobia is so bad.



Next week I visit my psychiatrist again, to tell him about how the current pills are effecting me. I am able to ask him for pretty much any medication I want to try that I think might help me.


So now you know what i'm all about. My question is. Does anyone know of a prescription drug, That might be able to help me? Something strong, Something that will make me feel good inside, Perhaps something with a euphoric effect, and will make me want to get up and do things.


Thanks for any replies I get.

[Each Hit]

no drug will ever make you happy by itself. you might get temporary relief, at best, but you seem to have deep-seeded issues dating back to your childhood. in your early adolescence, you chose to escape your social and mental discomfort by drinking (so you've never learned how to cope without the use of drugs). by constantly running away from the real issues, you have only created more problems, which you likely tried to suppress with more drugs. this downward spiral will continue until you stop looking to drugs for a solution and start dealing with problems head on. proper use of some substances can indeed help as a part of a larger solution, but they will never be the sole factor. i would suggest you speak to a therapist (and not just to try out the latest anti-depressant) to try and work out your underlying problems. escapist drug use will only make things worse.

if you want a good way to feel better, maybe you could try getting involved in the community. helping others is a great way to boost self-esteem, and it can help give some people a sense of purpose in life. whatever path you take, good luck. life isn't always happy, but just keep living and it can get better.

Reputation Comments on this post:

Good post!

[Heretic.Ape.]

First off, hang in there. As someone with a mood disorder I know that it can seem like the good things and magic in life are gone and aren't going to come back. This is not true. Just keep that in mind. Secondly, while antidepressant and other meds can be helpful for taking people out of the pits of despair they are not intended (originally anyway) as a fix, only as something to facilitate the beginning of actual therapy, to kind of pull one out of the abyss enough to take action. don't depend on any type of drug, whether recreational or presciption to fix your problems with depression. This will take years of therapy and active participation on your part (ie no just going and putting in your "hour on the couch"). See a good behavioral therapist who can pinpoint the beahavioral variables and do a thorough functional analysis. Keep working with your therapist on medications, he can tell you better than anyone here what is likely to work and if he can't then you should seek another therapist. It's all about a good therapist.
Be patient with yourself. You may want to start keeping a regular journal just writing for at least 20 minutes at least a few times a week about your feelings. This has proven in repeated studies to have a tremendous impact on both psychological health and (although nobody knows why yet) physical health as well. Look for patterns such as things you worry about frequently or things that bother you and address them with your therapist in a manner of coming up with concrete behavioral interventions to do something about them. don't worry about changing the way you think or feel, this is impossible. Accept the way you think and feel. Write up a short report on your ideal, who you feel you truly are and what your deepest ideals are. Then look at where there is a difference between the ideal and the reality. Examine what can be changed and what cannot. Accept what cannot be changed. Make concrete plans setting up a behavioral intervention for those things that can be controlled. As behavior changes feelings and thoughts will follow. A good behavioral psychologist can show you how to do all of this.
Best of luck and remember to be patient and accepting,
h.a.

[Kakkoii]

"EachHit" I got sick of alcohol and stopped doing it 2 years ago. And I don't waste my money on marijuana anymore either.

I just need something that will get me outside so that I can go to therapy, and participate in activities outside to help. If I can't go outside, then I can't really help my depression. I need something that will almost force me to be happy. Like illegal drugs can.


Thanks for the input from both of you.

[Heretic.Ape.]

If you are so debilitated that you are not able to go outside to see your therapist and such you may want to consider placing yourself in some type of treatment facility.

[toe]

Medications- inparticular anti-depressants- affect everyone differently. It would be very tough to reliably say that X med will produce Y effect.

Skip to the end if you have trouble focusing as a symptom of depression. The most important info is there.

However, you've mentioned a couple of selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (citalopram, sertraline) and an inhibitor of norepinephrine and dopamine reuptake (bupropion). One type of anti-depressant from the modern cadre that it appears you haven't yet tried is the serotonin-norepinephrine reuptake inhibitor class, which includes venlafaxine & duloxetine (aka Effexor and Cymbalta). There is a lot of hype and negative press surrounding these drugs- like all psychiatric meds- and I will admit there's a grain of truth in it. Side effects are almost inevitable, but generally the most troublesome will subside with time and those that remain are worth the trade off for rising back up to the 3rd circle of hell.

Many people have had luck with mirtazapine (Remeron). It definitely does not cause euphoria, and the side effects were bad enough for me that it did not merit continuation or further investigation. But it could well work for you.

MAOIs have a bad rep because of the potential for dangerous food and drug interactions, and have been underprescribed because of this. They are coming back into fashion, though, as it has come to light that the Tyramine Death Clause was a bit overblown. MAOIs may well be the best resource available to those with refractory depression. I'm talking about prescribed meds here, of course- not Plaid Tree Frog Sebum and Seedy Teas.

There's a good body of evidence that mood-stabilizers can be used either alone or in tandem with an anti-depressant to treat recurrent major depressive disorder. Unfortunately I don't know much about any legitimate research on the subject. However, I can tell you that both lithium and lamotrigine are approved by the USFDA for treating bipolar depression and many patients without a manic history seem to do well on them.

Last, but not least, I very much encourage you to engage, even if it's only by telephone. You need not be holding the gun to your temple- when you call a crisis/ suicide hotline, believe it or not, the only objective is to give you a shoulder and a sounding board. It is NOT to trace your number so as to send the police to pick you up. And as cheesy as it may sound, these people are actually really good at what they do. They will understand the degree of incapacitation you are dealing with and help you figure out a plan for coping that you can live with. Or they will simply talk to you until you realize that you actually DO deserve points for remembering to brush your teeth today.

Because you are so isolated, I really strongly encourage you to make contact. I have to repeat- these people REALLY know what they are doing.
CA Distress and Suicide Line:1.800.232.7288
(I don't know if this one's still operational, so. . .)
Find a hotline

[hh339]

I agree with Toe that Remeron could be a good choice for some, but for someone with weight issues of this kind, it could mean disaster. Most people will gain weight FAST. Just a warning.

For anxiety and ADD, SWiM uses Cannabis Sativa (and amphetamine/methylphenidate when he needs to), with OK to good results. Maybe benzo's could help temporarily, and they certainly help with blocking the worst side effects from SSRI's the first weeks of medicating. Huge addiction issues often come with them though, but hey if nothing else works...

Do you have the energy to go out running? If not, could you force yourself to? In combination with a healthy diet (and possibly some kind of medicine), it could make it easier to clear your mind as much as possible to really get the energy to make something happen. And yes get someone to talk to, cuz we aint really doctors here dude hehe, though we'll do our best to help out.

For how long did you take SSRI's?

[Kakkoii]

Originally Posted by hh339

For how long did you take SSRI's?

Each of the pills I tried, I had taken for a period of a month and a half.

Only one that actually helped me a bit was Dexedrine.

But what I want is an Amphetamine, That is also anti-anxiety and hightened mood.

If only MDMA was a prescription drug =/.

[SuprSonik]

You could try Buspar (Buspirone). It's a potent anti-anxiety medication with less abuse potential than benzos like Valium or Xanax. If you think that your anxiety is a big part of what is causing your depression, give it a shot. Combining it with amphetamine would probably make a pretty effective anti-anxiety/anti-depressant combo. You could try benzos too, but they have a high addiction potential, and being depressed lends itself well to getting hooked on addictive drugs.

[Kakkoii]

Originally Posted by SuprSonik

You could try Buspar (Buspirone). It's a potent anti-anxiety medication with less abuse potential than benzos like Valium or Xanax. If you think that your anxiety is a big part of what is causing your depression, give it a shot. Combining it with amphetamine would probably make a pretty effective anti-anxiety/anti-depressant combo. You could try benzos too, but they have a high addiction potential, and being depressed lends itself well to getting hooked on addictive drugs.

Yeah, I have a very good tolerance to drugs. So I usually have to take higher doses. But none the less, I am very good with drug addiction, I have a very strong willpower over those kind of things.

Hopefully my doctor will prescribe me something like that along with an amphetamine again.

[Kakkoii]

Well I've come up with a decision.

I have decided I will get a prescription for Dexedrine (dextroamphetamine).
And Effexor (Venlafaxine, Which is a SNRI but almost a SNDRI).

I did a lot of studying, and came to the conclusion that these 2 drugs would have a certain synergy together. And would make me quite a happy and outgoing person. And help me get in shape at the same time.


What do you guys think about that?

[keats]

I think that sounds like a decent combination, and I hope it works for you, but going into it with the attitude it's going to make you happy and outgoing might be setting yourself up for failure. It may very well work and it's good to stay optimistic, but especially given the failure in mood change you've experienced with other meds I wouldn't assume it's going to work off the bat. Keep your head up, though, with time you'll figure out something that'll make you feel better.

[Heretic.Ape.]

Whatever success you acheive through medication combinations I would like to strongly urge and emphasize that you not become satisficed into not persuing further therapy because "I feel better, why bother" type attitude. This is common in todays over medicated mental health field. Learning actual cognitive behavioral approaches to dealing with problems and coming to understand and accept yourself, your past, and any issues is the only way for any real success.
The mind will not be balked long by merely throwing some drugs at it.
h.a.

[Kakkoii]

Yes, of course H.A. This is merely to get my life into gear and help me do those things you speak of .

[toe]

Effexor is a truly amazing drug. People say all sorts of crap about it (frankly, people don't come on the internet to talk about how wonderful their anti-depressants are) but when it's titrated up properly- slowly- it is one f the best modern ADs on the market.

I wish you luck in getting your doctor to differentiate your ADHD from the concentration issues that can come with major depressive episodes. I'm trying to get tested for it now- my family has actually believed pretty firmly that I have always been ADHD. But it's pretty much an uphill battle for a 31-yr-old woman with 11 years of post-secondary education.