Disappointing Enlightenment

[Dalfir]

Disclaimer: This is a fictional, philosophical parable.
While plagued with the question of “who am I?” I came into contact with an internal entity. Myself.

I am more than my physical body. I am endless, limitless, unbounded, unrestrained and unrestricted.

I am constantly shifting, moving, changing.

But I believe this is the nature of the universe, of time and history. Infinite gears and cycles moving and constantly churning. The sum of all of humanity's thoughts and inner universes all just gears and cogs building up to the bigger picture of God. All that Hippie art finally makes sense.

Is this the concept of Eastern "Hippie" religion and mysticism? Buddhism? (Or even the ultimate message of all religious beliefs?) Every organism just a gear, made up of gears and wheels, constantly turning and progressing, building up to the bigger picture of God?

I see the universal connectivity of everything, the intricacy of the world. But I still yearn to be different. A gear moving in a different direction. I don't know why... I don't simply want to be a piece of a grand puzzle. A part of me wants to be greater than all of it, but another part of me wants to give in and simply flow with the rest of everything...I'm torn.

I don't want to be part of a handful of "enlightened" people who through belief, religion or psychedelics arrive at the same conclusion of pulling back the drapes of the world and seeing how it all - how God - works.

I feel greater than religion but at the same time, I feel a part of God and some bigger picture. Is this megalomania? I believe that the religion (I'm pretty sure it's Buddhism) which sees God as being the collective working of universal, collective gears is the right one...But once again, I don't want to be part of a religion. Even if it is correct.

I'm sure many people have already experienced the same thing I have and have devoted their lives to celebrating the fact that they're a small piece of a huge puzzle, but I feel that there is even less individuality with that belief.

I feel as if I've been shown the workings of the world, I've been enlightened, but I'm disappointed with what I see. I expect to arrive at a totally unfounded concept, but instead I'm shown one I've always been offered, but rejected.

Is this my ego fighting back? I feel as if I should surrender myself to the cosmic working of everything and become a Hippie influenced by Eastern belief systems, decorating my room with fractal art and Pink Floyd posters and accept the fact that I'm simply part of a bigger picture, and exalt that fact, but at the same time this just seems so cliché. Definite ego softening.

I don't know if my ego should be shed or held tightly. Do I want to surrender myself to exalting perfection and harmony, something which only a handful of people have been given the opportunity or I do want to be a separate entity? I believe that I've achieved Samadhi or a +4 experience; I've seen the way the universe operates...Something that people try their whole lives to experience but I just feel that I'm more than that.

I recognise what God is and I acknowledge its existence. A part of me wants to share this enlightenment through music or visual art and bath in such perfect harmony but another part of me just thinks this is all cliché hippie nonsense. I understand my role in existence, but surely there's more to me than that? It just feels so boring. Picture perfect yet saccharine and too bright.

It's like I've always scoffed at religion and tried going against it, but in the end it's actually right. Just an outdated explanation.

I think I've come to the answer I was looking for. What is my role on earth? Who am I? But the answer is one that's been suggested throughout history by enlightened philosophers and I've always dismissed.

So what now? Do I lie back and flow...Accept my place in the grand scheme of things, or do I try reject that and change the workings of the world. Is it even possible to be anything more than a gaily painted gear or should I humbly accept my place? I’ve never liked rules, but is this one that can’t be broken?

I think it's a question that takes a lifetime to answer...Is a metaphysical afterlife the only time one can answer such a question or will then be too late to hold any relevance in a human context?

Is this the nature of the psychedelic experience? Is it something I’m always going to arrive at until I can answer it or is there still so much to explore? Psychedelics are meant to reveal the self and all that builds up to make that self. Is all of this just a part of me, or has this experience shown me something of macro proportions, rather than explicitly observe the micro which builds up to that?

Reputation Comments on this post:

very philosophical+thought provoking post, well done

[Nature Boy]

Seems like you're asking the questions that will never be definitively answered in this lifetime. Therefore the "going with the flow" option seems best.

[Heretic.Ape.]

Keep going deeper. Each answer, no matter how profound, is followed by another question which, in turn, has an even more amazing answer. Just try not to take any of it too seriously or it will drive you fucking crazy.

[augentier]

Originally Posted by Nature Boy

Seems like you're asking the questions that will never be definitively answered in this lifetime. Therefore the "going with the flow" option seems best.

He's right, these questions have been asked for years upon years..

Yet no one can come to a definite solution..no religion is "right", they were all developed by PEOPLE as fallible as you and I. Everyone can get a glimpse of what things are all about, but we are, by nature, curious and eager to establish the first thing we understand as the truth. But we are all part of a bigger picture; that's not boring..that's fascinating, because no one knows exactly what the big scheme is behind all of this, it really could be anything.

If we were meant to know and understand the big picture, ya think we would have been created with the ability to do so..but we weren't, so it seems we were meant to either not understand, or spend time figuring it out..and look how far mankind has come with religion since the beginning of time. Not very. Looks like we have a lot more to learn.

[Dalfir]

In retrospect, I believe the experience has taught me that although I may feel different from the rest of society and even though I may feel like an outsider unable to fit in (during childhood I was - and still am, in some regards - a loner and was never part of school cliques or groups), I am in essence part of the ultimate togetherness that keeps the universal gears moving.

I am at peace.

[tayo]

In this case, "enlightenment" could be the fact that you accept things for how they are and understand that not everything has a definitive answer. Transcend logic and explanation to find peace.

[longdistancerunner]

If you consider yourself enlightened you most certainly are not. There would be no doubt left in your head. The pointlessness of the ego and all forms of self conciousness would become real to you and you would truly feel that elusive inner peace so few have genuinely experienced. You may have been given a glimpse, like I believe I have, and you may understand the workings of the universe quite well, but if you think you have experienced true Satori in the Buddhist sense, you are most definately mistaken.

[tayo]

Right... I think everyong would agree they mean getting closer to enlightenment.

[transit]

I both want to know and I accept (well almost accept) that I never will know. I can pretend to know and have lots of fun with all sorts of models and explanations, but all indications are that I will never really know. And there is a very interesting space that comes from allowing both – pursuing understanding/insight/knowing/realization; and accepting that I never will actually know.
One of my favorite quotes from Osho Rajneesh: “Life is not a question to be answered, but a mystery to be lived.”

[LateBloomer]

We are all connected. We are all a oneness. It is just that we have forgotten or don't care about it.

Enlighted people don't have beliefs, they know everything through direct perception, through experience. Enlightenment is not a religion, it is spirtuality, the esoteric pathway.

Your mind or ego is trying to defend itself against its possible annihilation. The ego/mind is what holds you at bay from spiritual enlightenment and your mind/ego is rationalising itself by clinging to its individuality, which is false.

Enlightenment is much more than understanding the universe.

Yes, it is definitely your ego striking back.

If you had reach spiritual enlightenment, you'd understand everything and your post says otherwise. You don't believe you've been there, it just is.

If you were a spiritually enlightened person, you'd be able to meditate and the art would flow unto itself. You would not have to think, it would write, paint, whatever itself.

There are no rules on the pathway. There are a set of inherent values that we understand as we get closer.

A lifetime... sometimes many.

Psychedelics change your consciousness but I've been told that they aren't great for spiritual enlightenment.

I guess I would tell you to comtemplate what you have observed and if you think that spiritual enlightenment is the way to go then move towards that methodology but if your mind thinks is the wrong thing to do, which it will always do, then stay unconscious. It sounds like you've deluded yourself to say you've learned all the answers.

[Sadhu]

great post. we can all re-late.

the answer, as always is yes and no. the marriage of the two.

for we are all Light forever encompassed by the Dark.

we are all drop from the Ocean, yet still the ocean.

and, for the Buddhas, there is NO enlightenment. and, according to the same teachings, we are all buddha--nature.

at any rate, you employed the tools ie psychedelics in a upful manner. most want to simply party and forget; you sought to sit and recall the ALL that you are. for THAT alone, dear seeker, you are "enlightened."

Sadhu Baba

Reputation Comments on this post:

Nice reply

[KBLSD]

Originally Posted by Heretic.Ape.

Keep going deeper. Each answer, no matter how profound, is followed by another question which, in turn, has an even more amazing answer. Just try not to take any of it too seriously or it will drive you fucking crazy.

yeah you cant take that shit to seriously because it will drive you to the brink of madness or it just might make you go completely mad

[The Doors]

Originally Posted by KBLSD

yeah you cant take that shit to seriously because it will drive you to the brink of madness or it just might make you go completely mad

One can still wonder and find answers within the consciousness and mind without going insane. Isn't one of the greatest gifts that we possess to experience the beauty of imagination? Imagination is the application of knowledge, to Imagine is to Create. Why not ponder at the mysteries of the Universe and seek Truth? We are our greatest mysteries after all. If you don't know yourself then what do you know?

[ReAlitY-HoLds-NonE]

If we are all simply cogs in a bigger machine, our purpose becomes pointless if we are removed from the picture. This however may well be impossible due to the fact that we are part of the universal workings if we like it or not due to the fact that we exist, and so does the universe.

-matter exists =the universe is matter, without matter, nothing would work... we are composed of matter.

-individual thought exists (wether we have free will or not isnt relevant as we still all think uniquely)= social achievment is based on the contributions of others to society, so individual thought is vital to society

so, if one is to become an absolute individual, who is apparantly not part of the universal machine, then one is still working for it.

...the very fact that we exist in the universe means we affect it, wether we choose to allow that or not

[psyche]

I second LateBloomers post. The original post holds some very good realisations. Now go on with your life is my advice. The enlightenment isn't something supernatural, it's more like our everyday experience. Thinking 'am I enlightened' is a surefire way to not be enlightened. Also thinking that 'now I'm enlightened' is missing the enlightenment itself. It's neither one of those. It isn't really a thing you want to define. The disappointment propably comes from trying to question, grab or verify the 'enlightenment'. It may feel like a disappointment to relize that there's no different you from the experience 'you' are having, but it is a fantastic thing if you don't think that there needs to be something gathered and someone to gather. Not being able to accept it and trying to grab it instead drove me from a lifeloving kid to an extremely troubled adolescent.

[Lethargy]

Enlightenment Means Removing Oneself From The Picture.

Ironically this feeds the Higher Self.

Following the Inertia of the Universe, things will fall into place.

A glimpse you may have had, but to Live the Experience requires Practice.

Practice
Every
Day