i don't know why i posted this.. but i did..

[ISeeShadowPeople]

I remember a time in my life when I would wake up happy.. When I woke up beside somebody who made my life better just because she was there that day. I remember coming home from work and watching NEXT on a small television in a shitty apartment, who cared though, we had each other.. I remember looking at someone differently then I ever looked at anyone before.. I remember knowing that she really loved me..

Right now I'm crying.. Really crying and I don't know why.. Maybe it's because I can't hear her voice whenever I want. Maybe it's because I can't see her anytime I need too.. Maybe it's because I'm not even sure if she wants to see me..

I want to wake up and eat cereal with my baby before I go to work.. Maybe go to double C and sit in our booth.. I want to get drunk and dance knowing i can't dance worth shit.. I want to hold her and watch DVD's on a TV that has a fucked up color to it because it got thrown on the ground.. I want to sit in our love seat ..

i just want to go back to be happy.. i want to be with my baby so bad in our apartment.. i don't want to cry anymore.. i just want to be happy again.. please dear god.. please give me happiness again some how some way.. please just give me it before i really can't take the tears anymore and nobody ever sees me again.. the feeling is there and the hole is getting deep..i'm in darkness and i can't get out..

why do i cry so much?

why did i pick a girl who made me lose everything..

why didn't i appreciate that everything when I had it instead of missing it after it left..

why am i crying...

please lord, let the phone ring and let it be her.. please, answer this prayer that I've asked you so many times.. please... i need to hear her voice.. i need someone to talk to.. i'm not asking for much, so why won't you give this to me? please lord.. please help me stop crying..

[Swimster]

want to talk about it son?

[Shiacmkmleer]

Heh. I know how it / The oxytocin withdrawal. The constant crying. Remember your friends! Seriously they help so much getting through things. I know a lot of people don't recommend using drugs to cope but Swis has and he's had good results. (eg it takes his mind off it). I KNOW IT SEEMS HARD but do anything and everything you can to take your mind off her.
Unless it's not definitely over. But maybe she's waiting for you to call? Maybe she's too timid too call you. Maybe shes crying the same way you are. Bro it's cool you posted this. We all want to help if you ever need any advice or help PM me . Hell most people in this forum probably would jump at the chance to try and help you.

[ISeeShadowPeople]

Thanks, I appreciate it from both of you. There still is a chance.. and I still talk to her usually daily.. The problem is she can only call at certain times.. She lives with someones parents who hate me.. so if i don't get that one phone call - i don't get to talk to her.. not being able to see her and talk to her when i want is killing me..

[Nargyle]

Well, I kinda know what you're going through, right now I'm living in the Netherlands and my love is in my home country, Peru, I also cry a lot because of not being able to see her, and started taking prescription benzos to numb the pain, would't reccomend it though, benzo withdrawal is a bitch. But we have a plan, and no matter what she will come here with me or go to Spain and I'll move there. Sometimes it all gets better if you look a little into the future and come up with a plan, at least it gives you something to look forward to and lessen the pain a little. Also, why did you move apart? You were living together before, weren't you? We are all here to help, that's what makes DF special, it really has a sense of community to it, everybody always wants to help each other. I hope everything will go well with boh of you and let me know if you ever want to talk to someone, also feel free to pm me if you want.
Love and light

[ISeeShadowPeople]

I was in love with this girl and she was in love with me.. We lived together and everything was perfect.. She lost her job, so SWIM started selling crack .. I never knew this girl was a former crack head, well I heard, but I didn't think she was that bad.. Long story short, SWIM and her ended up on crack pretty bad.. a eightball or two a day for the longest.. SWIM and her selling crack just to get more crack...

SWIM blamed her for his new crack addiction because he never before smoked crack, infact he hated it.. SWIM buys a ball off coke to sell one night while he's at work.. he starts sniffing and calls his girlfriend to come get it before it's gone.. he also gives her a 50 to drop off to someone on her way home.. the person she brings it to then shows her how to cook up coke which she didn't know how to do..SWIM comes home and finds his entire eightball gone..

Several things happen and SWIM gets another ball and is sniffing like a mad man while his girlfriend is begging him for hits.. the cocaine is gone and SWIM is fiending, so he starts drinking Everclear ( the devil liqour ) and goes out of control and back hands her a few times that night...

This is what made us leave each other.. She moved far away to live with her mother to get away from the life surrounded by crack dealers and crack fiends..

She left me with our apartment and all our unpaid bills.. Not only that, SWIM is left trying to fight off his new crack AND coke addiction.. By now SWIM has lost his job also.. so his only choice is for SWIM to continue selling.. however he always finds himself breaking even because now SWIM can't stop using himself.. so he's making 50 to a 100 dollars when he should be making five..

Several months go by and everytime me and her try to get back together we both end up on crack again.. This drug has ruined a relationship between two people who love each other so much.. She leaves again to live with her mother and I spend two months crying every night trying to get over her..

I meet a new girl during this time while she's on her way back home just for me.. the girl is now pregnant, whether it's mine or not, I'm not sure.. probably not..

Anyways, I turn down this girl I'm in love with because my new girlfriend convinces me she's all that I need.. the girl i'm in love with comes to my job one night - not only is she off crack, but she's currently selling crack.. i leave my current girlfriend for her..

Right now the women i'm in love with is not only clean, but she's able to sell crack without doing it - which is what I wanted the entire time.. but guess what, now I can't keep my hands off crack.. so she's asleep and i'm in her stash.. she wakes up and i'm smoking, and she doesn't even get mad.. at this point she's willing to do anything in the world to keep me.. she's 100 percent mine..

however, i'm wondering why i'm suddenly smoking crack and i blame her for my own mistakes and leave her.. the girl i left her for shows up at my house this morning - i've been fucking both of them everyday all week.. i don't know which one to choose.. well I end up choosing the other girl - i seriously break this girls heart.. i cry as I listen to her voice mails begging me not to leave her, apologizing that she gave me free crack...

but it's over.. i'm with my new girlfriend.. she moves on to her baby father.. everynow and then we talk on the phone.. it's obvious we still love each other..

this girl turns out not to be who i thought she was, she uses me, cheats on me, and we end up breaking up.. so i go back to the girl i'm in love with except by now she's actually starting to love her new man..

now i'm heart broken.. i lost the women i loved because i picked the wrong girl.. her new man dies from a drug overdose.. and we talk now everynow and then.. but i'm scared things will never be the same..

i might never get her back.. that one girl ( the wrong one ) got me fired from work for telling on me for sniffing cocaine and several other things.. she caused me to lose my job..i have a felony record and no mode of transportation.. my life right now is seriously fucking pitiful..

no friends really.. no job.. no money.. no nothing..

i talk to the girl i love everynow and then but she's lost her cell phone and she's living with the parents of boy who OD'd.. while she's there i can't talk to her..

she's not the same girl and i don't know if she loves me..

none of this probably makes sense but thank you for allowing me to tell a story that I haven't told anyone..

-------------------------------

i sent that in a PM... if some of it doesn't make sense, i'll answer questions..

we didn't move away from each other - we just finally, after a year - ended up moving on..

Reputation Comments on this post:

I always approve of such emotional outbursts... they seem to help the poster to get it off his/her chest.

[Orchid_Suspiria]

I do hope it gets better ISeeShadowPeople.Afterall you are a fellow Virginia resident.It seems like life is about a tiny bit of happiness people hold onto and the rest of it is pain,this is true for most.

[cyndi]

Oh boy, do I ever relate to this. Yes swim wishes she could turn back the time to when she was 23 when life was good and she was happy till she met up with a meth user and dealer. Who of course turned her out. Swim is 44 now with 5 kids, 2 she will never see. Swim's life is altered for life she also feels she is in this empty hole. She feels empty and sad and still married to the beast who turned her out in the first place. Swim had some bad news yesterday and has cried all morning. Swim wants to use to ease that pain and has a phone sitting next to her. Because that is how addicts are trained to handle pain. However life is hard especially to an addict. No things will never be the same again, but swiy has to make the best of what he can. Make sense?

All swim can advise because she knows heart conditions and falls madly in love herself, is that well the relationship seems a bit toxic looking at swiy from the outside. Maybe it would be best, hard to say and look at who swim is married to still, if swiy can get out of the relationship before it eats him up more. Things look bad for swiy as swim has some insight to your condition, but if swiy tries to improve himself maybe can find some happiness. The girl will just keep breaking your heart swim thinks. That isn't good for swiy.

Reputation Comments on this post:

very wise message

[meep]

It seems that all you have lost surrounds the crack, after all you lost and all you have given up the only thing that remains is crack. It seems to swim this is your pain and its wedging you away from all the things you want.

Next time you speak to her, tell her you want to drop the crack - ask her how she did it and if she will help you - if she wont then I dont know what to say except i'm sorry. Either way at least you can then have a definitive firm grip on where you are and where you want to go.

Keep us in the loop swiy, we all wish we could help more. Good Luck buddy.

[MrJim]

That was wise, Cyndi. Love is amplified in detrimental situations. We don't want to lose. Unfortunately this is probably a relationship without resolution. It's time to look for happiness from within - not the conditional happiness that the outside world can bring.
This is a pivot point of your life, man. You have to decide for YOURSELF not WHAT makes you happy, but HOW to be happy.
Good luck - Things won't be easy, but conquering your problems will give you more satisfaction than you could imagine.

Reputation Comments on this post:

MrJim, you clearly know. Good advice mate.

[ISeeShadowPeople]

Thanks everybody, seriously.. You've all given me different things to think about .. I'll think about them, then post..