my relapse after 6 1/2 years clean

[beentheredonethatagain]

I thought swim would like to tell about his getting clean , staying clean, and getting loaded.

If you have a story about recovery and or relapse , please share as it could be helpful to swim or others who have Beentheredonethatagain


swim had started to drink beer from the refrigerator at home, then sneaking shots of tequila from the bottle on the kitchen table.
little by little he was getting to like the buzz.
pot was the next on the todo list, lsd found a spot on the list a few times.
swim would seek out with passion new drugs to add to the growing list.
meth and coke came in and they set up shop, as they were the king and queen. slowly swim was a junkie who lived in a cold dark stinky house , because the bills were trash and the drugs were a necessity.

Alcohol made the times better until more drugs could be had.
this went on for years and then some.

then swim met a new girl who was spun and they were a match
until she went to a recovery house, pregnant with my child, my first kid.
she made it clear that if swim was to be in their lives that he would too have to kick.

june 25 1999 was the start of a drug free life

I was cool until she died in car accident then life as a single parent got harder, so naturally swim got a new girlfriend and then married.

December 2005 while in Jamaica swim smoked the pineapple skunk and lambs breath and it was the rebirth of addiction, swim made meth a welcomed guest, the wife set the two of them swim and meth on the curb for the sanitation truck.

today things are in a messed up state, as swim was high on pot he fell off a ladder from 14 feet while working. ouch the feet has a lot of bones that break easy. maybe pot is a drug that should be left to the youths of the world, i will load up bowel for swim as we think things thru.

[tayo]

was it you who said something like "i fell two stories yesterday" in another thread regarding "hitting the ground" so that wasn't a smartass comment it really happened. Ouch, sorry to hear about the ladder and things getting messed up in life, heights and marijuana can hit pretty hard... and i hope things get better for SWIY, my regards.

[cyndi]

Forgive me if swim is not up to her usual writing style lets say, swim is cleaning her act again after 14 years of being clean. But as she detoxes off this deadly chemical she will give it a shot. Swim was in love with a druggie and alcoholic when she was 24, she was intelligent, had a master's degree, very good future ahead and well was introduced to the world of drugs. She started with some pot, then coke that put her in lala land, next meth which she had a love affair with for 8 years or so. Why did she clean up, well after momentary glimpses of seeing some reality and how everything was messed up became very sad, depressed, delusional, and suicidal. Swim became pregnant twice, she abstained for a while for the baby's sake but had good friends bring her meth in the hospital as a gift. Nice huh? Well swim was not a good mom but thought she was. The baby would cry, swim has crashed after binging for days and can't hear the cries. One night, it got to swim, she thought the babies would be better off without a loser for a mom. Swim went from a smart girl to a loser paranoid to leave a falling down house in a short while or 8 years, who knows? Speed freaks have no concept of time. Anyway swim put the babies to bed, kissed her little angles goodbye and prayed they would forgive swim someday for what she was about to do. Swim played Russian Roulette for an hour before saying f it and loaded the gun put it to her head and pulled the trigger. Swim obviously survived, or she would not be answering swiys call for help. She woke up in that hospital after cussing out God for being alive, went directly to rehab and stayed there 6 months till detoxed. Then was in an aftercare program for a year after that. Because of the shooting swim had to attend court ordered 12 step meetings. Didn't help swim, but helps some I guess. Who is swim to judge others? Swim had to move, and disappear to find a way to make a life for her and her babies. Swim's husband was also into meth and had to go to rehab or swim would have had no choice but to divorce him.

Ok fast forward 14 years of clean time, swim didn't relapse which is rare during that time. Swim made a really good life for her kids, has a huge house in the country, 3 cars, money in the bank, well you got the picture. Life still messes with swim, it wasn't easy. However, swim's baby who is now 18, was busted for dealing dope and using it as well, was sent to jail. He is now on probation for a couple of more months. He also is employed and is terribly worried about swim. Isn't that sad? He constantly tries to give swim his money earned but swim won't take it. Swim is determined to stay clean for her kids and sanity. By the way swim is older than most meth addicts, 44. The oldest, swim reads your tagline that she knows is 60 and still using heavy. You really have to want it and can improve your life again. Yes, the addiction monster is always ready to strike when something horrible happens, boy can I relate. Next thing one knows is that you are living in a horrible, stinky room because you are too scared to leave it. Basically swim's advice would be to kick that monster and get your life back as hard as it will be. I hoped I help gave you a little insight as you are not alone in this madness.

Reputation Comments on this post:

thanx for sharing your story of recovery

[beentheredonethatagain]

cyndi your a brave lady to go thru what you've have and share it with countless of strangers, thank you !

[cyndi]

If my story will deter a young or old swimmer into thinking twice about meth or kicking it, yes it is worth seeing the insanity I had to endure. Nobody told swim about meth or it's dangers and you see what a mess she is in. She doesn't want to see anyone go through it. But if someone is, please get help, it will get worse!! I was lucky, I am alive, many of swims friends aren't as they did kill theirselves. I just went to a funeral a couple of weeks ago.

[beentheredonethatagain]

Insanity ,I know it well. I do the same things over and over and wonder why I keep getting what I get. insanity is thinking this time it will be different.

[cyndi]

Originally Posted by beentheredonethatagain

Insanity ,I know it well. I do the same things over and over and wonder why I keep getting what I get. insanity is thinking this time it will be different.

No my dear, that is addiction. Addiction is an ugly thing, yeah swim can handle this time in moderation. Yeah right!! Oh swim won't lose her mind this time since she can handle it. Ok? OH just a little hit shouldn't hurt. Well after blowing through several grams that lab monkey failed that test. She is depressed a bump will make it all better, more depressing when you look in the mirror and don't know who is looking back at you. No lecture just food for thought. Peace!

[beentheredonethatagain]

I just cant believe how fast the drugs take take a hold again , after being clean

[cyndi]

yep believe it, if not swiy is kidding himself. Swim should have known she was one hit away from being a full blown idiot again. Hard lesson learned.

[Lisa J]

There is no safe time for being clean, if your an addict your an addict for life. You may think you will never go back but in reality it only takes one major emotional disaster and you will return to what ever substance made you feel safe. SWIM left heroin addiction far behind and settled into married life for 10 years, user friends were abandoned for normal ones and while SWIM sometimes remembered that wonderful rush, she never dreamed she would go back. Then one day SWIM's life fell apart, husband was having affair with her friend and moved in with her, SWIM rang old friends that same day and was banging up gear by the evening. Already on a coctail of fentanyl, gabapentin, baclofen & co-codamol, SWIM knew that first hit could be her last, she didn't care. She continued using daily until her husband begged her to take him back, which like a fool she did, so long as he stayed at his mothers. SWIM replaced heroin with morphine sulphate and diazepam to keep husband happy, but after a week found out he was still seeing other woman so SWIM binned him and went back on the gear. SWIM hates the fact she let this man get her in this state, but she also enjoys those absolute pain free moments only heroin can bring. She has two good friends who are trying to help her get out of this hole, at the moment she has hidden her problem from her family (apart from husband) and other friends. SWIM wants to get clean again but it's always tomorrow.

[beentheredonethatagain]

Hi lisa , welcome to Drugs Forum, we are here to help each other , on a many different fronts. The pain of failing relationships is something that really sucks.

[manda]

I don't know if this fits or not- You guys, SWIM has given up on being clean, SWIM has accepted her fucked fate as an addict- the waiting, the jonesing, the emotional hold it has.
SWIM has simply given up. SWIM doesn't use all the time, but SWIM knows how much SWIM thinks about it. There must be more to life than looking for the next high, somewhere! Yet SWIM can't find it. Since SWIM was 12. 19 years of this shit.
Unfortuneately, SWIM has accepted she'll never be completely clean, and now SWIM is simply trying to work hard and live life responsibly as SWIM can...
SWIM will never stop wondering what SWIM COULD HAVE BEEN. If only SWIM could have dropped that bag for a while. Even for 3 months to get license back, SWIM won't be clean. Fuck no. God forbid SWIM show any strength. Breaks SWIM's heart, that SWIM has turned into this.
Every day, work, get off work, then the party's on. SWIM wishes she could have been more.
Anyone else ever felt this hopelessness?
You guys above sound like the people you're referring to still have hope. SWIM has so little, it's almost dead entirely. Why hang onto hope to try to pull off a feat SWIM knows SWIM isn't capable of pulling off? Why keep trying?
Acceptance. Not only AA and NA speak of this. So does SWIM.
No, I don't think SWIM is right.

Reputation Comments on this post:

how are you doing? post up girl :)

[beentheredonethatagain]

Manda your able to take control of your life and it is not too late. I don't know if abstinence is the answer, for some it has to be , while others sometimes maintain some control over their usage, If one is too many and a thousand is never enough, then the answer is straight forward , never think you have been done completely in , it seems more and more hopeless , that is the reason many addicts go to a treatment , and continue to a sober living program. Believe Me they work. they work if you work it. other wise you only get what you put in. Pray to your higher power and know that alone its probably not possible , but with a power greater than yourself its do-able and your life can and will be free from active addiction

[El Calico Loco]

Originally Posted by manda

SWIM will never stop wondering what SWIM COULD HAVE BEEN.

Eh. Most people don't accomplish all that much in life - they have jobs, they buy houses and cars, they raise kids, and then they die. If your friend wants to spend her life getting high, I don't see that as any less valid of a choice than watching television.

I think your friend should learn to love herself. It doesn't mean excusing herself from bad behavior, but just recognizing that we are all imperfect, trying to do better, and forgiving herself when she fails to live up to expectations. And no one's expectations matter except hers. It's her life.

And feelings of hopelessness aren't limited to drug addicts, believe me. It happens to many who are unhappy with their lives. It led my drug-free friend Swim to begin experimenting at the age of 30. Fortunately for him, he tends to stick to the psychedelics.


ECL

Reputation Comments on this post:

I like that

[Lisa J]

We always wonder what could have been, if SWIM hadn't done this or hadn't tried that, SWIM wouldn't be in this mess now, if SWIM'S husband had remained faithful, SWIM would still be clean, if SWIM hadn't met husband SWIM would be on the streets or dead by now. There are so many "what iffs", and they are not exclusive to drug users. SWIM will try and get clean again, but not today, today she will enjoy.

[beentheredonethatagain]

ok the past is done and the future is not here yet so what does that leave?

I like to share this with yall.

If you were to draw three squares on the ground side by side, the first square is yesterday ,stand up and put your left foot in it, skip the middle square , and place your right foot in the third square, that square represents tomorrow, if you live with one foot in yesterday and one foot in tomorrow then your pissin all over today.

Reputation Comments on this post:

Truth thee I like, speak ye it ;)

[RaverHippie]

Just thanks for bumping forewarning heartfelt stories, and as much sympathy can be extended through this impersonal gateway.

[JaWill88]

swim is only 19 but has been using substances ever since about 12 or 13. and it was non stop from there. around 15/16 it was full blown IV heroin and cocaine or smoking crack cocaine. it has been to this day. well this day, swim is sick and fucking tired of this. it has brought nothing but trouble since. things get worse and worse by the day. swim knows hes a pretty decent looking guy and has been told that by many for years but is so damn shy he can barely talk to women. it really sucks. and swim deep down knows if he found the right girl he would never touch drugs again. swim has admitted to himself, and for the first time to others ever (here that is). it hurts to know/realize that. its like a curse. but anyways swim has pretty much quit using heroin and cocaine IV but smokes crack every day. swim really hopes he finds that girl someday that fills that hole but it doesn't seem it's going to happen for a while as it hasn't happened for years. damn that was hard to admit, even to himself. anyways he really wants to quite ALL this shit. it isn't worth it. until swim fills that hole, any advice from any other crack smokers on what they did to quit? swim knows for this swim aa/na/ca/whatever is NOT the way to go. he knows people do not HAVE to do that to stay sober but thats swim and doesn't want to get any further into that as it causes a lot of debate. anyways, any advice would be great. thanks.

Reputation Comments on this post:

na , ca , aa do help

[RaverHippie]

From personal experience with addictive personalities, try the best you can to solve the drug problems on your own. A female partner can be addiction in disguise and you wouldn't want to be left with the withdrawal symptoms of losing a partner you're addicted to.

[sweetsugar]

Swim started with drinking alcohol at around 13/14yrs old, she would get 'wasted' every wkend, and soon after met mary jane which she totaly fell in love with - still is! Swim would smoke every single day, and occaisonally drink-to-get-wasted weekdays too, but didnt let this interfere with her studies. work hard party harder. By the time swim was 16 she were sniffing 3 or so grams of cocaine with friends every wkend. Swim swam closer to the club scene & rave scene and dabbled with drugs of all kinds, during which she met her first love (the type not of the drug kind) many yrs later they found herion, or it found them. 24 7 they were drowsy, heads up where the clouds be. They became all too aware that this bitch wasnt to be f**ked with and kicked it but not without a good few relapses. Swim has stopped counting the days/weeks/months of being clean ~ all too depressing and she would rather concentrate her mind on things of more importance. Swim has too, accepted that she'll never be completely sober as she loves the occasional spliff etc. A few wks back, in a social gathering swim - high on benzo's stupidly had a hit on a crackpipe, totally and of course honsetly unaware that she was pg. She found out a week or 2 later and is now in the process of misscarrying. The devestating effects of drugs.. and is now rethinking complete sobriety.

Reputation Comments on this post:

I really am sorry for your loss. please know things happen to make us grow stronger and wiser, luv.

[davestate]

Seriously, fucking hell. You guys sound like you've been to hell and back again. Thank Christ you're here to tell the story. Id never even considered fucking with harder drugs like meth, speed heroin etc, but thats honestly the final nail in the coffin.

SWIM started with morphine after a really nasty leg break,1 month on prescribed IV morphine 5 months on crutches. And after the prescription ran out, spent countless hours hitting different pharmacy's for co-codamol for CWE's, tramadol from the Internet. Swiping pain meds from family members. It's less bad than it used to be, but SWIM was in the end doing it for the love of the feeling. Now SWIM has an offer for vet school at uni, has a future and now has a real drive to keep away. SWIM knows he'll be around ketamine, codeine and all sorts of other med, but doesn't want to even think about risking throwing away what he has going for him ATM.

If anything was a warning, its the ppl in this thread. Sorry to hear of your hardship, but hopefully, like you've done for me, you'll help 10X your number.

Reputation Comments on this post:

welcome

[infekt]

Originally Posted by JaWill88

swim is only 19 but has been using substances ever since about 12 or 13. and it was non stop from there. around 15/16 it was full blown IV heroin and cocaine or smoking crack cocaine. it has been to this day. well this day, swim is sick and fucking tired of this. it has brought nothing but trouble since. things get worse and worse by the day. swim knows hes a pretty decent looking guy and has been told that by many for years but is so damn shy he can barely talk to women. it really sucks. and swim deep down knows if he found the right girl he would never touch drugs again. swim has admitted to himself, and for the first time to others ever (here that is). it hurts to know/realize that. its like a curse. but anyways swim has pretty much quit using heroin and cocaine IV but smokes crack every day. swim really hopes he finds that girl someday that fills that hole but it doesn't seem it's going to happen for a while as it hasn't happened for years. damn that was hard to admit, even to himself. anyways he really wants to quite ALL this shit. it isn't worth it. until swim fills that hole, any advice from any other crack smokers on what they did to quit? swim knows for this swim aa/na/ca/whatever is NOT the way to go. he knows people do not HAVE to do that to stay sober but thats swim and doesn't want to get any further into that as it causes a lot of debate. anyways, any advice would be great. thanks.

I can relate to you. Let me tell you though, the girl ain't the answer. As hard as it is to accept. It's just a sign of your co-dependency to come. Swim finally kicked IV heroin, but now is finding his bigger addiction was his girl, who's in jail right now. The withdrawal from her is worse than the cravings Swim gets from the raw.

The problem with us addictive people, is that we are ALWAYS searching for something more than what we have. What we have, and will always have, is ourselves. I guess the best thing to do is to learn to be satisfied with that. AFter that, everything will fall into place...maybe not the way you've always wanted it, but what you think you want will change. It's called peace of mind.

Of course, I'm no authority on this...I'm still struggling hard with this concept..

[Orchid_Suspiria]

Swim just doesn't like to think in these AA/NA terms of relapse,living in shame,apologizing to people just for simply not wanting to be in pain.Swim will never be clean nor will he relapse swim is beyond those terms.Swim is completely unapologetic for his habits.If anything swim is sorry that he at times stole from or lied to people he loved but that is a seperate issue.If swims thing of choice was legal or easily accessible this would have never happened.

This sounds like making excuses but it isn't.Anyone thats ever been heavily involved with opiates understands what swim is getting at.

[sweetsugar]

Not quite sure how swim managed to make her post look prettier than how it really was! She must be a little garded..how could one not let drug takeing interfere with ones studies if shes still studying?

swims currently coming down/off the benzos and wishes she were going cold turkey from Heroin, or had some. Another lesson learnt??

[stoneinfocus]

Most people are addicted to the problem of addiction others are users, others are users and additcted, but don´t care about it/don´t have a problem with it, other users are and addicted adn addicted to having a problem with an addiction, which, within the symbiosies of an addiction and having unnecessary problems with the addiction to be being addicted, is percicesly the effects of the unconcious indoctrinations, that are up in media and politics: creating useless problems for distraction from real-world problems and making a little war-fare, creating unimaginable torment to the whole world, just for profiting of the gained influence and importance of these serious situtaion they´ve created, dealing in weapons and drugs and power and the media supporting this, by selling made-up problems, which are more intersting, than just leaving it alone.

one, who was made blind about that, but unconciously knows exactly what´s going on, will adapt automatically to it and create completly unecessary and distracting problems as a life-content, here: being "addicted" and having a serious situation with a relatively dangerous mean ( but not as dangerous as the weapon -industry and warfare), a drug, which is at least said to be dangerous by some.

most "addicted" stop simply by saying, i just do less, because i don´t want to be on it, all the others `really wanting to quit´ are still hypocrits about it and really like the drug(s) they´re taking or are addicted to their addiction and all the attention they get from it.

Ever thought about why the avarage guys, who are level to binge drinking (socially drinking) and manage to get about their lifes excellently and are not duobtful or overally excessive? It´s because they have the energy to fully concenrtate, without legal worries and without peer-pressure, not on laws and their image for being not seen as an illegal drug-addict, but on their lifestyle management! -as do many doctors with the stuff at hand really just using it, as do studenty, athletes, etc. ?

some even wouldn´t be posting on this bord as it seems futile to convince people, in that one might be only able to live and think and be pain and asthma free, etc. with drugs like meth and can use coke without even forming a habit and thus don´t need to report or disucss it that much and rather stay low profile without a problem, becuase with them, they know years and years of sobrety were just torment and the drug, once at hand, is such a relieve that it´s painful looking back on his f**in sobrety, where one wan´t able to manage anything, lost all friends, couldn´t think clearly, was unnecessarily in pain, had migraines, which resolved with shrooms excellentely... .

I say, f'''* it! -for some sobrety results in a life, that would be normally ascribed to the result of living the most devasteted crack-junky style, a reefer in the worst sense or heroine /alcohol addict,just because someone who has asthma, multiple pains and sleepdeprivations without the drugs of choice, soon is living in a whole mess, because of the overall torment, that piles up without a numbing and relieving drug.

drugs are essential to a society and its culture and to the humans and the use of it had to be cultured and all accepted and then managed to take care of all, who use them, instead of sluggishly fightinmg it with massie colateral damage and no imporvements at all to be seen, now for centuries! For centuries!!! In fact the enviroment was a lot better, a lot more caring about another, without being hypocritical, or just for profiling one-self, when a drug-culture with a varsity of diff. drugs had established.
(which then, as always, was destroyed by the usual suspects)