Help needed with boyfriend & his 20 year amphetamine addiction

[geoqueen]

hi...I've been seeing my boyfriend for nearly 4 years, and love him dearly. When we first met I noticed he was full of beans (to put it mildy) and after a few months he told me he had a speed addiction, but that it was under control, that he was self regulating, and not to worry. He's a smart guy, and this sounded plausible, so I left it at that. However, he's been using about £XXX-£XXX pounds worth a week for 20 odd years now, and has been having depression, anxiety, moods swings like you wouldn't believe, and I have begun to think lots of our problems are based on his addiction...when I read things on the net about it, he ticks every box...he is reckless at times, forgetful, thinks I don't love him or show him affection (I DO!!!!..lots!), his sleeping pattern is awful, he spends many nights a week awake, then sleeps in during the day...my point is, is that when he told me about it, he said if it ever became a problem for us, he'd sort it out, but whenever I mention his speed use might have something to do with us falling out at times (he often talks at me..not to me.....and it's hard work sometimes, like being attacked by a dog!) and then he thinks I'm not listening or ignoring him....but I feel like he is unaware of me when he's full on speed....he is dizzy, ditsy, can't concentrate....anyway...when I mention it...he goes mad, and says it's not the case, and that it's too easy to put all our problems at his door, and to totally disregard his addiction. I just worry so much now, that he's been doing it so long, and has been to see a therapist as he can't cope with his feelings of despair and worthlessness, he's quite isolated with few friends (although he is hugely chatty and a "people person")...I can't seem to mention it without driving him mad, and he feels patronised....and I just don't know where to turn or who to talk to or what to do....I don't know anyone else in the same boat as us....and would just like some advice or a chat or anything really.....maybe I need to understand it all better....I can see that lots of the sypmtoms he exhibits are all ones that internet sites say are synonymous with long term, amphetamine dependence....but he won't hear a word of it, and it's all getting too upsetting and I don't know what to do. Any words from anyone would be greatly appreciated. We've just had a fall out today and he has e-mailed to say he'd battering it right now....he takes loads when we fall out and it makes him very weird and it's hurting him..and me. Any help in any regard would be so helpful. thanks.
Annie

[~lostgurl~]

I doubt your boyfriend is in denial over what his addiction is doing to your relationship, I think it is more likely that he thinks he has been living in addiction too long for him to ever quit. You both have choices here, you can either accept his addiction and all that goes with it or put the hard word on him to quit. He could seek specific addiction counselling or go to rehab if he is serious about quitting, or he could make other changes in his life that may help him and you. At the end of the day though he needs to quit for himself and not fo you if he wants to be successful. You can't make the decision for him so you need to decide what is best for you regardless.

[geoqueen]

thanks so much for your reply....the only time he has ever mentionned quitting for real was last year when he went on a complete bender,,,we'd fallen out and he took about £XXX in a week,,,,he gets it cheap too so it's quite a large amount.....he rang a counselling place as he got scared, and they said to stop as it'd kill him if he carried on....but then after the moment has passed, he puts it all behind him and we're back to him telling me it's all under control and how the hell would I know about it all...he's the one who's been taking it so long. I hate the futility of it, I feel I can't say anything as it's not me that's doing it, and every time I try and broach it, he gets terribly defensive and basically for me to mind my own business. I'd appreciate it if you knew of a gentle way of asking him to try rehab....I always make him so cross about it....he gets annoyed as I used to take it purely for fun, the odd weekend etc...and he calls me a hypocrite as I took it too....but not for breakfast like he does. I just don't know how to talk to him about it without making him angry...thank you.
Annie

[cyndi]

It is obvious to me with a long term relationship you really care about your boyfriend and it is hurting you. A 20 year addiction is tough to quit. It can be done but he has to want it. You can't want it for him. Swim can tell you that nothing could stop swim in her worst parts of speed addiction. It took bottoming out in her case. He does exibit the signs of speed addiction on a long term level and it can be nasty at times. You have to either put your foot down by really getting out of it if you don't want to live with that insanity or put up with it basically. It is all really about what you are comfortable with. He does have regrets, swim bets, but just can't kick it as he isn't ready maybe? Addiction is a horrible beast.

[hh339]

Welcome to the forum Geoqueen!

If he can't/wont quit, then he should at least lower his doses enough to be able to sleep every night and eat properly. He could also use something to do during the days, such as a job. That would make a HUGE difference, for both of you.

[tayo]

just a reminder, no prices....

but if the boyfriend could get hands on a prescription for say dextroamphetamine, it's a little less strong yet could work for weening off of meth, SWIM thinks.
...but
he could always find a new addiction, that's how SWIM got over many things... specifically switching to very large amounts of cannabis instead of anything had previously been using... but it's not recommended by swim just mentioned. try just asking him to sit down and take you seriously because you're concerned. point out that he gets defensive and explain that this is the only way you know how to approach the situation, and that youd like some things to change, for his well-being. maybe rehab is too much of a jump so maybe just find a like-minded support group and say you'll go with him.

[geoqueen]

Thanks Tayo...I'll definitely try that.. I have found places he could go and given him the leaflets and said I'd help..he seems eager at the time..but it always passes and gets forgotten. But I'll give it a go. It's hard though when he obviously loves it....it's like someone telling me I could never have a cream cake ever again..I'd hate that! It's hard as he doesn't see the effect it has on other people,in fatc he thinks he exhibits no changes at all....but it's just not the case. Thanks anyway, I'll certainly try that.
thanks

[tayo]

hope everything goes well, and in the event that everything works out, let us know how you did it so we can all remember.

[stoneinfocus]

Maybe a speed addiction isn´t that bad ... just an opinion and I can´t see the situtaion. But tapering use down is always a good thing, remember speed is not addictive, it´s just habit forming.

Swim feels much better, that his coke is now out and what was relaxing and a creativity flash first, was stressing and impairing even in little quantities lately, so he really feels a lot cooler now. (now that´s a lie *g* )

especially big doses of speed will make you dizzie and wound up, little doses -by that I mean minimun doses, might be beneficial in the whole and gettting there would be the best advice along with an intersting hobby or occupation, that he´s really into (no, not making pictures out of matches of dream-catcher bull shit.... a real interst of him)

[Lehendakari]

Does this person have parents, brothers, other friends?
If this is the case, I would ask them for help, if there is several loved ones involved it can be easier to approach to the problem without making him go mad.

This seems like a hard addiction and he probably can't see life without it and that's why he is denying. As above said swiyou should put the hard word on him to quit as he won't quit till he has no choice.

[geoqueen]

hi lehendakari...yes he has brothers...but I don't know if they'd feel like helping...they wouldn't want to interfere..he always makes out this is not a problem you see and would be mortified if I mustered the troops I'm sure....he's very down today and taking too much he admits ...he's hurting and upset as we've had a fall out, but I am just worried about him...

[stoneinfocus]

Originally Posted by Lehendakari

Does this person have parents, brothers, other friends?
If this is the case, I would ask them for help, if there is several loved ones involved it can be easier to approach to the problem without making him go mad.

This seems like a hard addiction and he probably can't see life without it and that's why he is denying. As above said swiyou should put the hard word on him to quit as he won't quit till he has no choice.

For god´s sake NO! Never ever do this! the opposite of good is meaning to do good!

... if you want to completely ruin his life, involve his family.

[cyndi]

Just remember all I advised. No tapering, abstain from everything or it will take you back to your doc. He has to stay clean from any mind altering drugs. Remember speak to him when he is sober as he will be defensive when high and not open. Be kind and not judgemental as that may make him very touchy. I feel he is ready to kick it based on the info given. I just feel the love you have for him and I bet he loves you too, he just can't show it. Please stay in touch as I want to hear a happy ending. I am really pulling for you. You need big hugs(((((hugs)))))) Also change friends, nonusers, relocate if you need to, anything to keep the monkey off his back.

[Lehendakari]

I understand, sorry I wish I could be of any more help. Just try to understand how hard is for him to quit and be supportive. He has a very loving person by his side and that's the most important thing. Try to make him understand that he will never be alone.

Best wishes.

[tayo]

unless they already know and decided that he's a big boy and can make his own decisions and has already been stubborn with them.