Dear Journal, I created my own world this week.

[ISeeShadowPeople]

This was written earlier this week. I started writing it on the 6th night and didn't finish until the 7th. I'm glad I wrote this at the moment this was happening, because the story is told from the mind-state I was in at that time, so I actually explain feelings and emotions instead of just writing down what I remember. I know it's long, but i'm sure some of you will read this and relate to it because you've been here to. If you haven't, then just read it and try to imagine how I felt while writing this. None of this is made up or has a added effect on it to make it seem more then it is. This is a journal entry written by a man who's about five inches away from madness.. Come and take a walk with me..

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his screenname: seriously, i think its time you go to sleep.

lil vest **: Nah man, fuck that. I'm going to ride this trip out until the wheels fall off. I don't care if go into amphetamine psycosis. I'm probably already fucking there anyways.. This is my world man, and I'm going to watch them live.

his screenname: What the fuck are you talking about?

lil vest **: You don't get it do you? I'm taking place in something that 90 percent of the world will never experience. Hell, 80 percent of the world wouldn't even believe this story if I told it to them. This isn't about getting fucked up majorly on speed anymore, I've stepped into another world that can only be seen from my eyes..

his screenname: You're crazy man..

lil vest **: That's where you're wrong my friend. A crazy person would think these people are real..

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06/15/07

It's 3:37 in the morning on a Tuesday night.

I'm sitting at a computer about to tell you a true story. Hopefully I am able to give you a small glimpse into the world of madness that I've been living in these past two days. Sitting beside me at this exact moment as I write these very words, a young women in her late twenties is sitting indian style beside me playing with her hair starring into the floor. She's been doing this for a hour now, and oh yeah, she doesn't exactly exist.

She's just one of many others that have gathered around tonight to watch me while I play Russian Roulette with my sanity.

I woke up somewhere around 11:30 a.m. last Friday beside my girlfriend who I was starting to seriously care about. Anyways, this isn't a love story so there is no sense wasting paragraphs on what happened that day. All you need to know is that when I got home that night I walked into my bedroom with a broke heart and some serious emotions that I wanted to get rid of as soon as possible. So I decided to turn to two of my old friends for help. They hang out in pill bottles locked up inside a medicine cabinet in a room that's on the other side of our house

"This shits so annoying.."

It's about twenty minutes later and I'm standing over a plate with a lighter, a sandwhich bag, and one hundred and sixty milligrams of adderall beads ready to be crushed into white powder. Haha, Adderall XR, the answer to America's Adderall abuse problem.

Picture all those doctors sitting around that large table in that big office trying to brain storm up away to keep people from abusing Adderall. A group of people with years and years worth of college and med school under their belts, and this is what they came up with?

That's fucking pitiful fellas. You act like a drug addict isn't going to realize five minutes after he gets them that he can crush the beads up and sniff them. I have a idea Mr. Doctor Man on how you can help keep teenagers from becoming hooked on prescription drugs.

STOP PRESCRIBING THEM TO EIGHT YEAR OLDS!

Sorry. I got carried away for a second, let's keep walking.

After a few minutes of that annoying process of turning beads into powder, I'm standing over about a eightball worth of adderall powder and I'm going to sniff every inch of it up in the next five minutes. 160 mgs of superman powder flows up my nose and the show officially begins that Friday night. I sniffed and sniffed adderall xr capsules like a mad man and ate blue amphetamine salt tablets like skittles all of saturday and all of sunday. That's it, what happens on Monday is important.

I don't want to interrupt again, but this part must be added. I've been doing Adderall on and off for about six years now, I know what I'm doing and I know how to do it. If you are new to this pill or just starting to mess with it, do not read this story and get the bright idea of repeating anything that I do. The amount of Adderall that I abused is not healthy for the body, or the brain. I'm stupid for doing it, but mature enough to handle it. Do not read this and try it just because you can't find any Acid and you want to try out tripping. Thank you.

Anyways... The hallucinations started Monday night..

First thing I saw was a shadow man walking down the hallway heading straight towards me but he faded away about two feet from where I was sitting. I looked around and watched as my entire living came alive right before my eyes. The furniture began to grow and morph into odd shapes.

I was amazed at this because I've never had something like this happen on Adderall. Everything that was happening reminded me of mushroom visuals that you get when they first kick in. I've seen glimpses of shadow people out of the corner of my eye before, and I've even watched ashes turn into bugs and crawl around on my glass coffee table, but this right here was something new. I couldn't believe that I was sitting in my living room tripping like this, and the best thing was, my mind was clear and sharp as it could be.

I sat there for about fifteen minutes and watched as the walls breathed and the curtains blew in the wind and the usual things did what they do, then I decided to go into the bedroom and take a break from all of this. When you're in the middle of something like this, for some reason, the visuals go away whenever the lights are turned on.
A drawing of Tupac Shakur that a friend drew along time ago hangs on my wall in a frame, as I picked up my pack of cigarettes I looked up at it and the drawing came to life. His arm felt all around the edges of the frame and his mouth was moving as he spoke to me. I couldn't hear him, but as he searched every part of that frame I'm guessing he was looking for away to escape. Well, I wished him luck as I walked out of the room because it was time for another boost of prescription magic.

The pills are in a medicine cabinet in a room that is almost right across from my parents. It's locked and the key to it is "cleverly" hidden right on top of the medicine cabinet itself. Any other time this would be a cake walk since everyones asleep, but the paranoia that comes along with being awake for five days fucks with you hard when it comes to shit like this.

I tip toe down the hallway as my heart jumps everytime a small noise is made and I see my parents bedroom door is open about a foot and my mom is standing there staring at me.

"FUCK!"

I blink my eyes a couple of times and thank god that it's just these shadow people fucking with me. "Not right now" I thought as I entered the room. I go to the cabinet, reach for the key and then my body gets hit with a tsunami wave worth of fear as the key drops and a "small" noise is made. I panic and hide in the closet and listen for a few minutes cracking the door so I can atleast see some of the room. I sit there for a few minutes and watch three or four gray arms reach into the closet at me. So for a second I snap back to smart and realize that I'm being fucking stupid and I need to quit messing around.

"Just get the fucking pills man, stop with the kid shit."

So my fear disappears and a minute or two later I'm back in my bedroom with a smile on my face as I stare at a large pile of three different types of pills. Due to all the insane things that kept happening around me, I grabbed a nice amount of valium because I needed to calm down before everyone woke up.

I quit sniffing the day before, so I eat thirty mgs of valium and three 20 milligram xr capsules. I throw the rest of my stolen christmas presents in a cigarette box and hide them in a shoe. When tweakin, you can't help but take the task of hiding something very very serious. Now that the work is done, I sit down at the computer in my bedroom and do whatever. The valium kicks in, the sun comes up, and everything returns to normal. At about twelve I walk out of my room faking a yawn and tell my parents about this really weird dream I had.

At this time I'm going on six days worth of no sleep at all. I wasn't worried though, because one of my favorite things about Adderall is beside the eclipse looking pupils, no one can ever tell that you're on anything. Here I am being sweet to everyone, telling jokes and making everybody laugh. You would never believe that twelve hours ago three imaginary arms tried to grab me as I hid in the closet because I was paranoid about getting caught stealing ADD medicine.

Isn't it crazy how fake reality really is?

Once I'm done doing the social thing I'm back in my bedroom, it's time to eat a few capsules and a large amount of tablets. I spent a few hours talking on the phone with a few females that I haven't had the chance to talk to in awhile because of ol what's her name. The speed is one hundred percent in effect at the moment so I'm walking around my room on the phone feeling like I'm God. I'm smiling at myself in the mirror while I sweet talk them into believing whatever I want them to believe. Then I hang up with them knowing that they're going to enjoy the rest of their day because I've convinced them that they're so so special and hands down the most beautiful girl in the world.

Haha.

I love the way speed gives you the ability to put every word and sentence together perfectly.

Once I'm finished talking I eat another combination of tablets and capsules and get trapped into organizing the mp3s, putting them in special folders for special reasons that I don't remember. The clock ticks away and the hours move forward and suddenly it's two in the morning and everyone is fast asleep. Excuse me as I swallow down more speed before I go play in my private world of visuals. I'm walking outside feeling like i'm Alice in Wonderland getting ready to dive into the rabbits hole just for fun. I'm not about eight hours away from being awake a complete week and I'm sure the darkness is waiting outside for me with a bag full of tricks and visions.

So I go into the living room and sign online. I look at my buddylist and fucking go nuts when I see a good good friend of myns screename. I've been waiting forever to be able to talk to someone about the insane mess of myn. I mean, you can't tell just anybody that you spent last night watching tupac shakur try to escape from his picture frame while a red tree the size of a plant was trying to grab you with it's limbs.

Someone might think you we're crazy or something..
So I'm online talking to him telling him this and that, then for the first time in about twenty minutes I take my eyes away from the computer screen and freak out because my living room is filled with people. They're not shadow people anymore, I now have a room full of people who would look completely real if it wasn't for the simple fact that you can see through them. One is cuddled up in a fetal position in a chair rocking back and forth, this one lady is in the far corner of the room doing nothing at all but staring straight at me. A group of three are in a room down the hallway like a group of high school kids waiting for the bell to ring.
I'm trying to get my mind to wrap around what's going on when I notice a shadow crawling on its hands and knees across the living room heading straight towards me. Once he gets close I smack at him and as my hand flys through him he smacks back at me and the man in the chair stands up and starts heading towards me.

Sorry guys, but I freaked out over that one.

I get up out of the chair and run to the bedroom hoping the light will keep these evil bastards away from me. I'm starting to panic and I don't like it, so I lay down on the bed to collect my thoughts and smoke my 635th cigarette of the week. After a few drags I call a friend on the phone and tell him what's going on.. He calls me crazy and I get pissed off at him for not understanding and hang the phone up.

I put a few minutes of serious thought into the situation then it dawns on me... Everything in that living room doesn't even exist. That's my world out there. The man in the chair, the lady in the corner, the whateverthefuck crawling after me.. None of them would even be here if it wasn't for me. Now I'm in my bedroom ready to swallow valium and call it quits because a shadow that doesn't even really exist swung at me? I'm the one who started this shit...

"Buy the ticket, take the ride." - Hunter S. Thompson

God damn right.

So now I'm back in the living room at the computer chair and my lil friend comes crawling back towards me. I'm still kind of shook, but I know it's not time for me to end this whatever it is i've created for myself. I start telling my friend about what just happened and all I hear from him is, "Man, you seriously need to sleep" which is something I've heard five times today already.

There was no way I was going to bed. At that moment and time, I was on a whole new level of thinking. A pill bottle full of some kids ADD medicine has given me the chance to enter a world that I never knew even existed. I mean sure, I've read about these type of experiences on erowid.org all the time. Usually though the story ends with them having a panic attack and ending up in a hospital bed because they couldn't handle themselves. But not me, I've got my hands around the situation now and I'm in control of everything.

I've seen some seriously off the wall shit these past two days, why not see what else this world wants to show me? This wasn't a normal trip like on acid or shrooms. When you trip on Acid you have to deal with the mind fuck that comes along with it. Shrooms may be more relaxed mentally, but on shrooms the visions come and go and you're constantly laughing the whole time and you never really know what's going on.

But this is different. Someone has given me a free ticket allowing me to enter a world of illusion. I'm sitting back watching and my entire view of these people change. I watch these people wander around my living room like lost souls who are trapped forever in the shadows.

Are these really just hallucinations, or has my brain been drained to the point where it is showing me things that it's normally supposed to hide.

The End.

Reputation Comments on this post:

Well written and thought provoking.

[MidnightChemist]

A tortured soul.

I really wish I could say anything of comfort. But I doubt I'd be able to say anything you'd want to hear at the moment, if there's even something you'd like to hear.

I also wish I could say "I understand you", but that would be lying as I have no idea what you're into. Your mind has been pushed to it's limits, that's for sure.

Death or sleep, whatever comes first, but one will get to you sooner or later. Hopefully you will be able to defeat whatever it is holding you in this madness, and manage to get back to this comfortable place we call reality.

It's a sad thing to say but, you're completely on your own. No one can save you now but yourself. If I was you, I would've been sleeping a long time ago, but since you aren't it means there must be SOMETHING holding you back...

What is this thing? Do you know? If you do not know, I think you should do your best to try and find it. I strongly suggest you try and find the answer you seek before those shadow people actually become your friends... actually become real people.

[Bajeda]

Playing with psychosis isn't exactly safe, and I know the past week couldn't have been healthy for your body or mind.

I hope you got some much needed sleep and think twice about embarking on such follies in the future. Depriving yourself of sleep is terrible for you, and I personally didn't really learn that until it was a bit late.

Whatever prompted you to test fate for a week, I hope it is out of your system and you realize that while some journey's of a perilous and testing nature can be beneficial at their conclusion, others are just not worth the risks you endure to take them.

[cyndi]

Swim experienced the shadow people effect a lot on meth binges but never adderall. However, swim never binged on adderall and didn't realize it would have that effect. This is a very enlightening post and teaches swim to not go there. Swim also used to keep a diary of experiences using and coming off of speed to remind her that it isn't so wonderful and quite maddening. By the time swim decided to write a diary swim was too far gone for it to help. This may help you in the early stages of this as what swiy did is very dangerous.

[Bajeda]

The only time my lab rat really experienced the 'shadow people' effect was when he was gradually coming down from a cocaine binge and took 10mg of Zaleplon. Needless to say, the Zaleplon didn't get the rat to fall asleep the rat experienced a few hours of intense and very real hallucinations of all sorts of things, including some pretty ridiculous shadow people, clowns, darth vader, insects, etc. Luckily the rat didn't have any paranoia or anxiety to speak of so it was a fairly fun time actually.