The party is almost over, jumping off the cocaine train

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SWIM said....


*I had such a difficult time typing this, please correct or forgive the non compliance of using SWIM*

have had too much time and availability recently to my new substance of choice, cocaine. Yes, I always joked that when I tried it, I would have my little honeymoon period and over-indulge. I knew from research, age, maturity, whatever, that I would like it...alot. I know what I need to do, and how to do it. The steps are in motion, but I really need someone, anyone to read this and offer support. I guess it is my way of holding myself accountable later down the line. I will need to look back and remember why I wrote this and not romanticize the experience. I may write more later as a detailed journal experience, but for now the hard facts.

Once I started partaking, I was shocked at the number of friends and casual acquaintance's that associated with the infamous White Girl. Friends have shown me the ugly multi-faceted side of cocaine during this time. The greedy appetite that can never be satisfied, alter egos, mistrust, broken promises, over indulgence, compromised work and family obligations, lust, envy, desperation. I could name so many more but I am exhausted from everything. I am afraid to put this in writing, to read and face the part I played as well.

A little bit:

Friends started calling me, asking if I had any extra I could sell. I started buying more, and of course, using and sharing more, as my friends were now my eager customers helping support my party habit.

I had to constantly stash, move, and find new hiding places in my home as my friends became aware I was holding more.

I allowed two friends to start running a tab that got larger and larger each week. I never cut them off. I enabled them, because they enabled my personal party supply.

My interactions/dating with two casual male friends became limited to only partying. The party nights became longer each occasion, and I would generously provide more and more of my own supply to keep it going.

One male party friend had started going the hard route. I tried it once, didn't get it, and vowed that I never wanted to. The first time he was fine when the rock supply he scored and brought to party with on his own ran out. The next few times he always wanted more and more of my powder, staying longer than planned, missing work, running a tab, making excuses, begging, pleading, and looking all over the house to find more. He lost all sense of reason, become intensely paranoid, and always found an excuse to blame me when he ran out.

The other male friend started prefacing his interest in hanging out based on my party favor status. He was never greedy and I was always more than willing to supply. The last time, he had his party fun, went to the store for cigarettes three blocks away and never called or came back. I was actually relieved. Obviously, coke does not discriminate between male or female coke whores.

I started recovering from the longer and longer party periods by having a line when I woke up, if I even went to sleep after the party ended. Eventually, that was the way I would start everyday. Socializing of any type, on any level would require lines before I left the house and then bumping up secretly. I incorporated cocaine into every action and detail of my day. Right now, I couldn't start or finish typing this without doing lines.

I am walking away for now. I can not guarantee that after my regular life obligations have been taken care of, and when I am once again in the position of having time and opportunity, that I won't be back. I am scared to hit the submit key now, really scared. I have to go do a line, smoke a cigarette and be thankful the party is almost over. I need to sleep but I can't stop my brain from thinking of all the negative things that happened during this brief cocaine fling. I quit doing lines, that was it, no more. I just need someone to read this and say something, anything, so I can try and rest for a short while.

Please be kind. I can't take any flaming deserved or not.

Reputation Comments on this post:

Wish you luck, you sound smart, you know what you should do!