The party is almost over, jumping off the cocaine train

[lowprofile]

SWIM said....


*I had such a difficult time typing this, please correct or forgive the non compliance of using SWIM*

have had too much time and availability recently to my new substance of choice, cocaine. Yes, I always joked that when I tried it, I would have my little honeymoon period and over-indulge. I knew from research, age, maturity, whatever, that I would like it...alot. I know what I need to do, and how to do it. The steps are in motion, but I really need someone, anyone to read this and offer support. I guess it is my way of holding myself accountable later down the line. I will need to look back and remember why I wrote this and not romanticize the experience. I may write more later as a detailed journal experience, but for now the hard facts.

Once I started partaking, I was shocked at the number of friends and casual acquaintance's that associated with the infamous White Girl. Friends have shown me the ugly multi-faceted side of cocaine during this time. The greedy appetite that can never be satisfied, alter egos, mistrust, broken promises, over indulgence, compromised work and family obligations, lust, envy, desperation. I could name so many more but I am exhausted from everything. I am afraid to put this in writing, to read and face the part I played as well.

A little bit:

Friends started calling me, asking if I had any extra I could sell. I started buying more, and of course, using and sharing more, as my friends were now my eager customers helping support my party habit.

I had to constantly stash, move, and find new hiding places in my home as my friends became aware I was holding more.

I allowed two friends to start running a tab that got larger and larger each week. I never cut them off. I enabled them, because they enabled my personal party supply.

My interactions/dating with two casual male friends became limited to only partying. The party nights became longer each occasion, and I would generously provide more and more of my own supply to keep it going.

One male party friend had started going the hard route. I tried it once, didn't get it, and vowed that I never wanted to. The first time he was fine when the rock supply he scored and brought to party with on his own ran out. The next few times he always wanted more and more of my powder, staying longer than planned, missing work, running a tab, making excuses, begging, pleading, and looking all over the house to find more. He lost all sense of reason, become intensely paranoid, and always found an excuse to blame me when he ran out.

The other male friend started prefacing his interest in hanging out based on my party favor status. He was never greedy and I was always more than willing to supply. The last time, he had his party fun, went to the store for cigarettes three blocks away and never called or came back. I was actually relieved. Obviously, coke does not discriminate between male or female coke whores.

I started recovering from the longer and longer party periods by having a line when I woke up, if I even went to sleep after the party ended. Eventually, that was the way I would start everyday. Socializing of any type, on any level would require lines before I left the house and then bumping up secretly. I incorporated cocaine into every action and detail of my day. Right now, I couldn't start or finish typing this without doing lines.

I am walking away for now. I can not guarantee that after my regular life obligations have been taken care of, and when I am once again in the position of having time and opportunity, that I won't be back. I am scared to hit the submit key now, really scared. I have to go do a line, smoke a cigarette and be thankful the party is almost over. I need to sleep but I can't stop my brain from thinking of all the negative things that happened during this brief cocaine fling. I quit doing lines, that was it, no more. I just need someone to read this and say something, anything, so I can try and rest for a short while.

Please be kind. I can't take any flaming deserved or not.

Reputation Comments on this post:

Wish you luck, you sound smart, you know what you should do!

[sterling77]

That was a good read, it was written very well and I can see this person has made the first important step to getting his life back in order. I wish him the best of success and he check out some of the useful threads on quitting cocaine here. I would suggest simply changing the first line to something along the lines of "This is an account of someone who I met" or something similar, SWIM doesn't have to be used everytime and everywhere. It is just one means to an end.

[stoneinfocus]

It´s just a habit, if swiy feels strong enough, he´ll drop it and see, that dropping it, isn´t that hard and evens him out, enjoying the nearly uncomfortable eveness, that appears with being clean again.

To swim, being off coke gives him what coke gave him, when he was off coke and did it again the first time once again
... the problem is, it´s getting a self-entertaining habit, the moreso, the more often one combines it with everday activities and it´s easy and clean to inflcit it with everyday activities.

[lowprofile]

I know I can and will stop for now, I don't have a choice because of other circumstances in my life. I do know that it is a physiological addiction, not a physical one. I recently had two very negative experiences that outweighed any/all of the previous positive associations.

It's been a rough day of little sleep. I have a very long night ahead finishing up matters and then I will be way too preoccupied with LIFE to worry about all this madness for some time.

[stoneinfocus]

these things happen to happen, also, as you see adn what might have looked like a problem, suddenly is nothing.*lol*

That´s what every selfaware man should try to convince people of: nothing really matters, so don´t be mean and give em their will and what we can by all means giveth them; they will stand their ground .. or not, who cares? I don´t, but I stand my ground.

[lowprofile]

SWIM said....

Originally Posted by co-incidence

these things happen to happen, also, as you see adn what might have looked like a problem, suddenly is nothing.*lol*

[co-incidence = stoneinfocus : the accounts have been merged - Dickon]

Thank you. I do know that I am making this a bigger issue than it really is. As you said, I am very self aware and that is why I have to take responsibility for myself and my actions now.

1. I never spent money I did not have
2. I never compromised work, family, or social obligations
3. I had rules for myself and the one time I came close to slipping I told a friend right away.

Of course, I could add a disclaimer to the end of each one of those, i.e. I never spent money I did not have, I ended up seeing how I could make money from my friends. I am trying not to allow those thoughts and move forward. What is done, is done.

[lowprofile]

Almost there

Finishing all the things I need to do to close this chapter in my life and move to the next one. I really hope I won't be back, but I can not say for sure at this point. The negative images of this short time are overpowering right now and sustaining me. I am worried that later, when I have the time and money again, I might remember things differently.

I am really anxious and scared, but not of quitting. I realize I am apprehensive and anxious of all the things I was masking and able to forget during this little party binge the last few months.

[groomy]

It started about 3 years ago when we had a tragedy in the family and I was visiting my Aunt (with other family members) every weekend to offer support/company etc.

It always ended with us taking a few bottles of wine/vodka/gin etc and because we all wanted 'a lift', got tiddly. Needless to say, this became a habit and even when the regular visits stopped, I'd got used to enjoying a well few drinks.....enough to make me go to sleep.

On days off, I've gone to the offy and sat in the back garden drinking 2 bottles of wine a day (week off), only last weekend, I drank 7 bottles of wine in 3 nights (between 6pm and 9pm).

I've put 2 stone on, I dread to think about my liver, I've got thread veins and red cheeks. It's got to stop.

Every morning I wake thinking, today is the day, but by the time I've got home, I've got 3 bottles of wine in my bag (3 for £10) and it's as though my brain switches off while I'm in the shop, ignoring what I'm doing and before I know it, I'm home with the wine and just start drinking.........and hiding it. I even fill a large glass up with wine and put some coke in to colour it, so anyone would think I was drinking coke.

I have been really down lately and I know it's the drink that's bringing me down because I'm so disappointed in myself...and fed up with my weight...and because I'm fed up, I drink.

Today, I opened up to my best friend who agreed that today could be the day that I break the cycle. My husband is playing golf tonight and that's usually a perfect opportunity for me to sneak a couple of bottles of wine....

But, I didn't stop at the shop....I've not bought any wine....and I'm sat here instead comitting myself to stopping.

It's not as though I crave a drink...I think it's more like 'comfort drinking', just like a comfort eater. But because I'm always on a blasted diet, I know to avoid food..but never really classed alcohol as having calories (of course I know they do, but it's easy to ignore).

Anyway, I'm hoping by putting this all down, it will help me move on and have good days. Today is day 1 and people say it takes 30 days to break a habit...so another 29 to go.

If anyone else has had similar experiences and have managed to combat this drinking thing, your views would be appreciated.

Anyway, I'm off to have a big glass of diet coke....without the wine.

Cheers!
Me
x

Reputation Comments on this post:

Good luck, you have a good attitude about it all

[beena]

Good luck Groomy. You sound positive, but be prepared, there will be good days and bad days. Just take one day at a time. A couple of questions though: have you got a good network of friends that you can talk to and who will support you? Do you drink with friends or by yourself? If you drink with friends, you may need to break away from these people to be able to break the cycle of abuse. In fact you will probably find there is a need to look at all aspects of your lifestyle and change a great deal in order to stop (and stay stopped).
You may know this already but in case not: alcohol depletes your body of vitamin B (thiamen), so you could ask your doctor to prescribe you some to give your body a boost, also exercise is good for releasing serotin and natural endorphins that can help beat depression. My mum swears by bananas for the same reason!
SWIM doesn't have personal experience of alcohol addiction but she's recently quit using cocaine (after six years, SWIM's been 13 days clean).
I wish you all the luck in the world and if you want to pm me, feel free.
Best Wishes, BEENA X

[Jatelka]

You've taken a very brave and positive step groomy: Congratulations and well done! The first step IS the hardest.

Beena raises some very valid points.

SWIJ's problem drinking related (initially, she thought) to a particular group of people. She found that she was NOT able to moderate her drinking while around those people, and protestations that she wanted to stop drinking "for a while" met with ridicule and derision. The only way out of it was too break away from that group. Which she did.

Once she had broken away, SWIJ intitially found it quite easy to moderate her drinking, but it gets very easy to "slide".

"Oh, I haven't had a drink for 2 days: I deserve one today". One drink is OK, but the three or four that would invariably follow where less so. Despite initial success, SWIJ found these occasions becoming more frequent, and the amounts consumed larger.

Another problem is boredom. It's so easy to have a glass of wine because the house is quiet and SWIY has nothing else to do, a glass becomes a bottle and then SWIY hates themselves again. If this is a trigger for SWIY then they need to change their routine dramatically.

When SWIJ reached the point where she was waking up with a hangover every day, and started drinking at 11.00 am at weekends (to get rid of the previous days hangover) she realised that the problem wasn't with the people she had been with, it was with her.

The only way SWIJ felt able to manage the alcohol was to quit drinking entirely. She spoke to her local GP and was given a supply of Chlordiazepoxide (which she used sporadically). She was given the details of several local AA groups (none of which she attended).

She stopped drinking entirely for a year, and then gradually reintroduced infrequent alcohol, setting herself rules ("Only a glass of wine with dinner", "Only one pint at the pub, then soft drinks" etc etc)

It hasn't been easy. There have been times when intake has started to creep again, when there are (what seem like) good excuses. SWIJ very rarely gets drunk, or even tipsy now. The times she has been have seemed too much like a downward spiral. She likes being drunk, but when she starts getting drunk she cannot control it.

SWIJ's drinking is currently under control, but it is a daily struggle. If she ever lost it again though, she would have to go completely dry.

Much love and best wishes. On the weight thing: SWIJ lost a stone the first month she was dry, and another half in the next couple of months. That's a pretty good incentive!

[Robsa]

Good posts. Nothing much to add except about the comment you made about being on 'autopilot' when you buy your bottles. This could be seen as the beginning of a 'trance state' that addicts use to enable them to maintain their addiction. Watch a gambler playing - they are in their own little world. Same thing. This is a classic part of addiction - amazing how your own brain tricks you! If you can prevent this trance state then it can help you control your addiction.

http://www.gatscounselling.com/GATS_WEB/Addiction.html

Knowing you have a problem and want to deal with it are absolutely the most important first steps in dealing with the problem. The rest is just a matter of logistics. I'm not saying it wil be easy but you WILL beat it eventually if you stay in that mindset. Well done to you. Stay strong.

[fromthestars]

Im sorry im not adding anything usefull to this thread. You ladies really do have some very nice posts in it so far. I wish you the best of luck on your endeavor.

for me it seems so strange, it seems like every person in the whole world drinks to some degree. For me, in my mid teens I tried it fewer times then I can count on my fingers, felt sick every time and never enjoyed or could barely even stand the taste of annnny of the stuff at all. The first time I burned a joint I never drank again. On more then one occasion I have been offered $ to drink 1 single beer and I still could never bring myself to consider the idea. Ill eat a quarter of mushrooms no problem, dmt/lsd/mushrooms/mescaline I would do any day of the week but the idea of getting pretty drunk seems to "hardcore" for me and unlike any of the other things I mentioned I actually fear what could happen and consider tripping and smoking pot like its going out of style to be of no physical danger at all to me. Seems kinda funny dont it?

[lowprofile]

Still hanging in there. Obviously, I have been so busy it's not an option, but I don't have the urge and I feel great both mentally and physically.

[epote]

ok so its been how long? a week till you last used?

can i ask a couple of questions? How much did you use, how often? What was the cource that led you to proper adiction, i.e. how long did it take from the first time you used and enjoyed till becoming adicted.

how long did it take for the "crash" symptoms to not dominate you, i.e to be able to function without feeling like shit

[lowprofile]

SWIM said....

epote,

Yes, it has been almost a week. I started using coke only on the weekends in January of this year, in March it was every few days, and then almost every single day the whole of month, May.

At first, it was just a $40 bag on Friday and Saturdays I shared with friends. Later, it was an 8ball, plenty to share for the weekend and then always enough to get to the next weekend. Pretty soon, that was not lasting from one weekend to the next, so it became a quarter. Friends then started calling and wanting me to sell some of mine when they couldn't get their normal guy, they knew I always had plenty around. Eventually, between using, sharing, and selling it was an once a week.

In the month of May, I was personlly consuming between a half a gram-two grams a day. In the end, I would not even go out and be social without having at least a half gram to bump up secretly around friends. I always had a baggie on me, grocery shopping, running errands, business meetings, and visiting friends in their homes. I did not discriminte using based on the time of day, place or setting.

The times I decided to crash on my own, after a long party night or 36 hours, I would sleep on and off all day, wake up, eat, go back to bed, then decide I was wasting the day away. I would get up, do a line and start the game again. The final time, I had been awake for over 24 hours and then crashed and slept for 10 hours. I woke up feeling tired, but I made myself get up, eat and start the day. I was consumed with work from day one of not using, which kept me focused and forced to maintain a more normal schedule of sleeping and eating. I WANTED to do lines, to make it through work tasks and meetings, but I forced myself not to. I had that little leftover bit, just in case. After a full 48 hours of regular sleep and eating normal meals, I felt a heck of a lot better than being jacked up all the time and mentally scattered.

At the end, the whole game was mentally exhausting. I hated myself for allowing it to happen. I know I am going to slip up, I just hope when it happens, I can use recreationally, and then remember all this garbage and quit.

Hope that answers some of your questions. Please let me know if I can clarify anything further. Best of luck.

Reputation Comments on this post:

adding a disclaimer doesnt forgive not using SWIM...

[epote]

right i see, so did you ever had any other type of addictive behaviours, or addictions?

say, tobaco, or sex, or food, or whatever, you know what i mean sorry if i am intrusive

also, did you initially know what cocaine is all about? Did you know the dangers of habit formation? Did you initially try to contain it or you just wherent thinking about it? How did you manage with the crashes after cocaine use (well obviously with more cocaine after some point?)

[lowprofile]

epote,

Oh yes, several years ago I was bordering on an eating and exercise compulsion. Loved the way lifting weights and exercising felt and became a little too focused on it. Work, easy to work too much, at least for me. Always been fine with alcohol, started smoking two years ago, but now have almost quit. Men and sex, add it to the list, they were never serious problem, but phases. Basically, any new hobby or interest I get a little maniac over and then settle into a comfortable medium.

I knew all about cocaine as I had researched it well enough. I knew I would have a binge with it, just never anticipated a several month binge. Comedowns were basically nonexistent, I just didn't want to sleep it off and waste the day away. I never felt anxious or depressed when coming down, just those last few days when I was focussing on all the negative experiences and I was ready to call it quits.

Hope that helps, feel free to keep asking.

[groomy]

Only last week, tp posted on here - saying it was their first day to comitting to cutting down on alcohol.

TP was so pleased last Wednesday (trigger day) that they didn't stop at the shop to buy 3 bottles for £10 (wine) and neither did they do it Friday (another trigger day)...but

TP spent my weekend doing something they didn't really want to do....they wanted to see the person that they visited but because it pinched all of their weekend, they then felt 'robbed' of spare time....and if TP had said no (which they've done for last few weeks) the guilt would have continued....

However, that meant when TP got home on Sunday night, 'TP felt they deserved a treat' and nearly 3 bottles of wine later....

Meant, TP woke up about 2.30am, couldn't get back to sleep, felt knack'd at 6am....rang in for an emergency holiday....

But it gets worse....because TP drank wine on Sunday night, TP needed to go to the shop to top up the wine rack they have (so family wouldn't notice it'd gone down)....and bought a couple/three extra.

Then drank those on my day off (while doing the gardening).

Because there was half a bottle left, I've 'had' to finish it tonight but...because it's given me the taste, I've opened another bottle..........

TP's so p'd off with theirself.............when TP feels low or ...' needs a treat moment'' because..

a) TP's had a hard day
b) TP's partners out
c) it's Friday night
d) it's Saturday afternoon, TP's bored,
e) it's Sunday and TP's got to go to work tomorrow
f) TP has put weight on (purely alcohol related) and is so fed up.

TP heads for the wine..............

TP's so disappointed in theirself.

TP's promised theirself (again) that this is the last bottle that they shall have.......

Tp knows no-one out their can put this right but it really low and just needs to put this down.

Bye

[Jiggles]

SWIM has a friend that recommends smoking marijuana during those "treat moments". That is of course as long as SWIY doesn't have an outstanding predisposition to cancer in his family.

Another recommendation he has is make friends that aren't alcoholics/chronic drinkers, or if SWIY is more introverted and doesn't have many friends, get out there and make a few! Instead of sitting home on a friday or saturday night, get out of the house. SWIM has had slight troubles with alcoholism in the past, but overcame it by re-evaluating who he was hanging out with and why, and switching who he hung out with. In fact, changing up other [seemingly] small aspects of SWIYs life can help break the cycle of alcoholism too. A simple change up in the diet, or a little exercise when SWIY would not normally want to can be a big step towards being clean

SWIM and I wish you the greatest of luck and hope to see more updates

[groomy]

Hiya Jiggles
Thank you for responding, when SWIm (just realised what this means) etc, is low.............to see an uplifting response when you're low, is a pick up......

SWIM needs to get busy now the summer is here, ie, cycling, walking, badminton, etc

Thanks for taking time to respond.

Ta

Reputation Comments on this post:

courteous and genuine, taking very good steps in the right direction

[groomy]

Co-incidence

Hiya,
SWIM is trying to give up a 4 year habit of regular drinking (craving, guilt, binging etc) and is also struggling with doing this..........however, reading your thread and what.........'Co-incidence' said...........ie

"To swim, being off coke gives him what coke gave him, when he was off coke and did it again the first time once again"

SWIM knows, what a wonderful feeling it is, to wake up in the morning and know they didn't have a drink the night before (bad head, sleepless night, glazed eyes, slow brain etc).......and this feeling they say, is so wonderful.

I can only think that this can work for you too.......how great you would feel and, IN CONTROL of the situation (as SWIM says this is what they seem to lack) would give you.

SWIM is also going to really go for 'this control thing' as well.

Good luck, I really wish you well...........
x

[Jatelka]

Groomy

It IS hard to rewire SWIY's brain, so that alcohol is not always related to "treat". But hating and being disappointed in yourself will only feed into the problem.

Hard though it is, SWIY needs to try again.

The fact that SWIY is aware of their triggers, and is able to acknowledge them is a step in the right direction. That you have achieved this is cause for congratulations

Sometimes small steps are the only ones possible, but they all add up.

Stay strong, it IS possible.

Much Love X

[monkeygone2heaven]

i just wanted to add support. everyone had said such great things already. i have troubles with alcohol and recently stopped for 2 months. it was hard and as everyone says, a day to day fight. but i can't say it was so hard that i could not do it again. AND it improved my life dramatically. i was stuck in a daily drinking cycle, being emotional etc. i was able to see things clearly. i drink again now, not as much as before but not as little as i'd like either...

i wish you and everyone dealing with their drinking or use a good day!

[monkeygone2heaven]

i think you're doing great. it is not a small thing. you're doing an amazing job. sometimes bad things have to happen before we realise we need to control the use of a substance. hang in there and seek support. you don't have to do it alone!

[lowprofile]

Hanging on. Want to use, but it's not an option with work and other responsibilities. OK....for now.