Journal - SWIM is finally doing it!

[beena]

SWIM (and boyfriend) have been addicted to crack cocaine for seven years. SWIM has been addicted to opiates (MST and Tramadol) for about a year. Today is day nine since SWIM and boyfriend last used crack. Everyone says that a couple who use can't stop together but we are doing it(!) Admittedly we are temporarily apart - SWIMs boyfriend is getting help in a rehab and SWIM is doing it through sheer willpower (and a lot of support from good friends). SWIM and boyfriend speak every night though on the phone and SWIM is allowed to visit him in rehab in three weeks as long as she takes a test to prove she's clean.
In the meantime SWIM is trying to work out a plan to cut down and finally stop using opiates. She's got three weeks to do this otherwise visit with boyfriend is off.
A few weeks ago SWIM was living a pretty grim life and feeling ever increasing depths of despair, but after a week of not using SWIM has begun to see a different life for herself and her boyfriend. SWIM and bf are determined to stay together and beat the statistics.
SWIM just wanted to share her news with other people who maybe trying to come off substances too or who is still using and thinking it is impossible to stop. Anyone in that situation please feel free to pm me.
SWIM knows it is early days and any support for herself would be truly welcome. If there is anyone on the forum who has had a problem with crack as their main substance and has stopped, SWIM would love to hear from them in particular and how they did it. This will be SWIM's fourth attempt at stopping.
Also anyone with ideas to come off opiates (SWIM has huge psychological addiction to morphine), SWIM would love to hear from.
Good Luck to all you quitters out there! Stick together and we can do this.

Reputation Comments on this post:

	good decisions: both to break addiction and to ask for help
	thanks for the will-power inspiration
	hurray!

[JumpinJackFlash]

Good for you, good luck!

[VincentVan]

Dear Beena
I'm glad to hear of SWIY first positive steps in fighting addiction and building a new good life for her and her boyfriend.
She sounds quite positive and optimist and that's quite unusual in someone trying to fight the beast; and surely if she manages to stay in this mood, the fight is going to be a lot easier.
However if I understood right, she gave up crack but she' s still recourring to opiates for help, and particularly to morphine, that in SWIM' s experience is one of the substances causing the most painful withdrawal symptoms; and that' s not exactly what I would call going clean.
Soon it will be 15 months since SWIM stopped his decades (plural) long relationship with H , morph, opium and most other derivates of the poppy juice. In this long period he gave up more time than he cares to remember, in more ways than he actually can remember; sometimes just for a few weeks , sometimes for months, once even for one year.
He would love to be able to contribute his hard earned knowledge to SWIY but he says that he needs some more information about her actual situation to be able to be of any real help.
Things like:what is SWIY daily intake of which specific substance?
How old is her addiction?
Is she taking opiates to get off crack or was she taking opiates and then got into crack too?
About how old is she?
Would she have access to medications like methadone or buprenorphine or is she thinking of going cold turkey?

Anyway the decisions she has taken until now seem to be the right ones in any case: first of all , of course, the decision of becoming a free human being,
second the decision of getting rid of one substance at time.
If you have being free of crack and cocaine related substances for about 10 days then you might be ready to try to get rid of the second monster, but you have to decide if you feel strong ,ready and motivated enough: the fight is a tough one and it's much better to postpone for a few days more than risk failure and relapse.
Are you eating enough? sleeping well? In good physical and psychological health? The friends you talk about are the right kind to have around during this fight?
These may seem silly questions but remember that once you decide to live without your drug, you are not going to be able to eat and sleep very much,
this is something which is undoubtly annoyng but these discomforts can easily be overcome if the people around you don' t turn out to be more of hinderance than of help. Actually in SWIM' s opinion the less people you see in this crucial period (the first 7/10 days) the better it is.
Remember that you will not want to go out for the first few days, so you need a confortable and well stocked place to spend this time.
Well stocked not only with groceries but also with something that interests you and that would help you to pass the time and keep your mind busy.
Have you ever tried to give up addictive drugs before? (seriously I mean , not just a couple of days because there was no good stuff around)
If you did, why do you think you failed the previous time(s)?

I really wish you all the best Beena and if you would feel like giving to SWIM some more information I think he may well be of some help to you.
He himself received some much needed help from the threads of this forum when he was in your same situation.
If you don' t feel like it , let us know how you are managing anyway .
We care.
And you can do it.

VV.

" Nothing will come of nothing"
(William Shakespeare. "King Lear" )

Reputation Comments on this post:

thanks for your post, it was really informative and helpful to me

[tiojio]

good luck, i hope all goes well!!
keep us posted.

[Robsa]

SWIY is now 3 weeks after this post - update? I hope SWIY managed to get off the 'oids. Had I have been here weeks ago I would have said 'try meth or subutex' to SWIY. VincentVan is right - more info is needed to SWIY's dependance and if SWIY has previously used meth/bupr.

Reputation Comments on this post:

messages of support are always welcome, cheers mate

[beena]

Hi guys, thought I'd just give you a quick update/more info. Thanks btw for all your support, really appreciate it: especially VincentVan - you really gave me some good advice.
Well i'm still 'doing it' as I put in my last post, but it has not been a smooth ride: about two weeks ago I went on a drink and drugs binge. It was the first time since giving up crack that I had had a substantial amount of money on me. I just wanted to get off my face on something, have some kind of release I guess, so I went for a drink with some friends. I thought getting drunk would be enough of a high, but I suppose I was being a bit naive, I ended up in a crackhouse and spent all the money I had on me (about £200). I felt enormously guilty after that, especially as boyfriend is still sticking it out in rehab and seems to be quite positive. Anyhow, I picked myself up again and have been another 13 days clean now (well, off crack anyway). I'm still making excuses and finding reasons not to stop the opiates though. I'm taking about ten 30mg morphine pills a day (MS Contin) and about 4-6 Tramadol a day. On the plus side, I've made contact with a local drug centre that run a drop-in service. They've told me if I can get down there for an assessment they will recommend me to another place that can prescribe me something to help come off the pills. Its just getting to the centre thats causing me the damn problem right now! Opiates have a bad habit of destroying your motivation, and my sense of timekeeping is out the window: I'm up all night and sleep all day.
As for the extra info SWIY's asked for: I've been addicted to crack for about six or seven years and opiates for one or two. I was taking crack first and began using opiates to comedown, but liked them so much I began using them without crack. I've used H before too when I couldn't get my hands on any opiates.
I stopped crack cocaine once before for about six months: I was doing well and had a job for a while but I became depressed and started using again, eventually lost the job. I've only come off opiates for a couple of days at a time so far and that has not really been by choice. I'm not sure if I'm strong enough mentally right now to come off opiates by going cold turkey.
I'm satisfied that I'm doing ok with the crack issue but I know that I can't truly say that i'm off drugs and doing well until I knock the pills on the head also. Thats going to be the tough one for me . . . but anyway I'll keep you all updated from time to time. Thanks once again to everyone who's replied to this post. I read through the posts from time to time when I'm feeling low or weak and they really do help me sometimes,
Cheers, Beena

[Donmeka]

SWIM wouyld say ur doing better but ending upin a crakchouse is not a good step (obviously) the amount ofg opiates u seem to consume daily seems to SWIM a bit much but not OMGOSH BAD!!! but still ur masking an addiction with another. given the situation u are in this is not entirely a bad ting. if swim was in your situation he would use the opiates to stop the rock and possibly a benzo of some sort and then if SWIM was addicted to opiates because of it he would find or go to a doc and get suboxone or methadone to quit the opiates and he would stick to it.


good luckl to you and your boyfriend. i hope u both get back to where u would want to be and are forever happpy togetehr.

Reputation Comments on this post:

good support

[Robsa]

Hi there

SWIM has SO been there. They found that all it took was taking one or two alcoholic drinks and that was enough to get them to justify using again.

SWIM also thinks that SWIY has followed a familiar path. SWIU always ends up on both heroin and crack. SWIM has seen it over and over from Brighton to London to Leeds to Liverpool. SWIM thinks it likely that until SWIY realises they have a problem with both now they probably wont be able to clean up. Peroid.

SWIM wonders whether SWIY might be able to get on a residentil like SWIY's boyf? What is SWIY's life situation? eg working? Can SWIY afford to give up their life to go in a clinic for a while and basically give their life up to rehab? Because that is the best bet. I realise SWIY may be able to kick without doing this, but maybe not. SWIY may find they see-saw in and out endlessly or things just get worse and worse and ultimately SWIY will end up there anyway.


SWIM has known hundreds of users and about 95% all had to go through rehab to recover. And 95% do NOT drink alcohol, let alone anything stronger!

Hope SWIM's 2 penneth helps.

Reputation Comments on this post:

so undeniably true...

[VincentVan]

My dear Beena
SWIM is a great beliver in the therapeutic properties of travelling.
Sometimes all we need is a change of horizons, faces, habits; some new challenges or maybe even just some different latitudes.
SWIM belives that this is an engrained need in each and everyone of us.
Travelling is not (or should not)be an hobby and even less a luxury: travelling is a need of mankind.
Even if for the last 5000 years or so humans started to crowd up in cities and began to adopt a stantial and sedentary existence, we should never forget that for the previous hundreds of thousands of years of our history we have been a migratory specie, and this behaviour is what has modeled the greatest part of our instincts.
Since our first ancestors first left the Rift Valley to look for new paths and experiences, our planet' s environment chiselled our deepest nature into that of innate wanderers, to the point that once our own planet offered us too few new alternative roads to follow, we begun to train our telescopes to the stars looking for new unbeated tracks.
Man is innately nomadic and like all species that evolved in a varied habitat, suffers confinement and immobility.
This is a fact that is instinctively obvious to every mother. If a human baby cries and feels distressed the mother rocks him into calm again mimicking the the ages old rythm of the step of the migration; the rythm that instinctively brings the baby' s heartbeat to syncronize with that of the parent; no mother would ever think of consoling her baby by keeping him in immobility or confinement.
So dear beena, when a pasture is exausted, when your mind starts playing tricks on you and your body seems to tell you that it wants something that you have not yet learned to identify, my suggestion is only one: start walking and do not stop until you feel that you have come to the right place.
Fighting crack with opiates and opiates with bezodiazepines and getting drunk to try not to think about it all is a sure road to perdition and pain.
Run from it.
As far as you can possibly get.
You will see that new skies do radiate a different light, that new challenges will wake up dorment instincts and provoke in you, new yet unsavoured pleasures.
I would suggest you to read Bruce Chatwin' s "Songlines" or maybe Paul Theroux' s "Great Railway Bazaar". SWIM himself authored a couple of volumes on the subject that sold quite decently in your country, but at the moment he fears revealing his real world identity. He said to look in the travel section of your bookshop for paperbacks with a picture of our planet on the cover.
He sincerely hopes that you will be able to find some peace and comfort, if only for a few moments, in the company of intelligently written words, but the main suggestion though is still thye same one: start running.

Keep in touch Beena.
VV.

" Rock-a-bye, baby, on the tree top,
When the wind blows, the cradle will rock.
When the bough breaks, the cradle will fall,
And down will come baby, cradle and all. "

Reputation Comments on this post:

	I believe in travelling, too.
	this is true good support

[podge]

Glreat to hear . Good luck to swiybeena and her boyfriend !!!

[cyndi]

Good luck to swiy! I hope you can kick it, the desire of quitting is the first step. Good grief don't swap crack for meth, that was bad advice. Swim never used crack but had and still has a horrible but not as bad meth addiction. Double whammy with hubby using too. Swim had the same situation. We both went into rehab together cause if one uses, the other will too. Also the same for relapses, one relapses, the other partner will just to make you aware of that. Change friends, have only clean friends, although it is hard at first. One gets use to the dope culture. I had to move physically and change my number to keep influences away. I am pulling for you. Good luck!

Reputation Comments on this post:

supportive.. awesome

[Whit]

Addiction must be a terrible thing.

It was really pleasing to read your two post!

Hope everything goes well for you.

THere's light at the end of the tunnel!

[cyndi]

Addiction is a horrible thing. It is really something that can be suppressed but rears it's ugly head from time to time. One has to know the triggers and not give into it. Relapse most of the time will occur, and a lot of addicts really are hard on theirselves and will keep using thinking that they are bad people when they just have the addiction and are trying to do the right thing for themselves when they mess up. We are human and nobody is perfect, everyone has flaws. There is always hope if you give yourself a chance. In death, you hurt your loved ones, addicts should always remember that. Never do anything to harm yourself if you get in a down mode due to relapse.
It will get better

[beena]

Thanks for your continuing support guys, today is day 40 without crack . . . SWIM is actually on holiday visiting her parents and some old friends (non-drug using ones of course), she has also been to see her boyfriend in rehab recently: he is doing well too (55 days without any drugs whatsoever).
SWIM is making further progress in cutting down on Tramadol, but is not entirely free from that addiction yet. Morphine (MS Contin) is still a bit of a problem (mentally SWIM craves that stuff every day and has a box of 60 pills waiting for her back at home). Generally though SWIM is feeling quite positive about life and stuff at the moment. SWIM is thinking about re-entering the world of work now . . . needs something to do in the day to stave off the boredom . . . bit worried about having a pay packet in her hand at the end of each month though (could be tempting relapse)???

[cyndi]

My advice is to take it day to day and not to worry about the long term. Those thoughts will end up giving swiy too much anxiety which is not good for recovery. Congrats on your clean time and keep it up. Life is really better with clarity.

[beena]

SWIM just accidentally came across this old thread that she started - looking at the date it was written on the 9th May last year (2007). She feels really ashamed and embarrassed having discovered and re-read it: entitled 'I'm finally doing it', it was obviously written at a time of great optimism cos SWIM had been off crack-cocaine and her boyfriend too was in rehab getting clean....at one point SWIM updated it to say she was off drugs 40 days....40 days....that's almost 6 weeks if my maths is correct. OMG, how things change.......reading it there was no mention of heroin just crack and prescription pills.....since then not only did SWIM relapse but managed to gain another addiction in the shape of heroin.....heroin for fucks sake. By my reckoning SWIM must be the biggest fuck up on here....SWIM is surprised no-one has openly taken the piss out of her....I mean what a fuck up!
It might sound like SWIM is being light-hearted or then again it might sound like SWIM is being too hard, but whichever way you look at it, it's not fucking good is it?
How did SWIM go from starting the process of getting clean to not only relapsing but getting addicted to something else too?
Is there any other one person on this forum that's been as stupid as SWIM has? SWIM guesses probably not.
SWIM needs her arse kicked pronto.
SWIM is now going to go away and kick her own arse.

[Metomni]

Keep your head up.

[beena]

yeah, lol....note to self: MUST TRY HARDER.

[msmogadon]

sorry if SWIM is being nosey but how are things with SWIYs partner??
what happened when he came out of rehab?
SWIM asks as there is a similar situation with her and her partner and wants to know the answer to the question can 2 addicts stay together clean?

Reputation Comments on this post:

good important questions for topic

[beena]

Originally Posted by msmogadon

sorry if SWIM is being nosey but how are things with SWIYs partner??
what happened when he came out of rehab?
SWIM asks as there is a similar situation with her and her partner and wants to know the answer to the question can 2 addicts stay together clean?

Ok, well SWIM's partner came home from rehab early to look after SWIM because her addiction(s) to opiates was spirally more and more out of control. This was a mistake because all that happened of course was that both SWIM and partner were back using within days of his being back....

As SWIM said in a previous post she then started using heroin to comedown off cocaine and that opened a whole new can of worms that she wished she hadn't opened! SWIM's boyfriend, whilst struggling with his own problems and addiction was really supportive and caring towards SWIM and through his help SWIM went and got help (does that make sense?!).

SWIM is now on a methadone programme (one month and counting...) and has a keyworker for support. However recently SWIM relapsed because of her and her boyfriends penchant for cocaine and now they've both realised that in order to get free from heroin addiction they are going to both need to get help...

SWIM and boyfriend are now both going to drug-clinics that offer advice/councelling and support for their problems....they're getting separate help at the moment but they both support each-other too and are thinking that the next step will probably be to go and get help together also (thinking of N.A. perhaps)...

If SWIY and SWIY's partner really want to get clean and stay together it will be difficult but not impossible.....it is too early for SWIM to say if she and her partner are going to really make it together and get clean themselves but they are feeling really positive and optimistic about their situation right now (which is the best they've felt about the situation for a long time). SWIM would suggest doing what SWIMself and partner have done/are planning to do: which is to seek help both separately and together.....this way SWIY will have a much better chance of making it.....good luck!

[MiMoMo]

Originally Posted by beena

Ok, well SWIM's partner came home from rehab early to look after SWIM because her addiction(s) to opiates was spirally more and more out of control. This was a mistake because all that happened of course was that both SWIM and partner were back using within days of his being back....

That is heart-rending. The honesty in relaying SWIY's partner's sacrificial relapse is powerful. Staggering reality here. Thank You for sharing.

[msmogadon]

Originally Posted by MiMoMo

That is heart-rending. The honesty in relaying SWIY's partner's sacrificial relapse is powerful. Staggering reality here. Thank You for sharing.

For sure it sounds like SWIY has a pretty special relationship

[crackcityrocker]

first of all, swiy isnt stupid, shes just battling an addiction. this is why its a battle, there are little victories and (in swiy's case) bigger defeats. this is just the nature of the thing. its hard. i can tell she really wants to beat this, try not to get too down on her. swiy shouldnt beat herself up over a relapse after 40 days, this doesnt make her dumb. she should look at that 40 days and ask herself "if i can quit for that long, why not for good?" and i hope swiy stays with her boyfriend, regardless of if its more difficult to quit with him in the picture, as it seems she genuinely loves him. you said in your other post that whenever swiy gets back to london, things go downhill. i definitely second Vincent's suggestion of travel, it really could make all the difference. good luck and keep your head up beena, you may not believe it but harder things have been done.

Reputation Comments on this post:

supportive.. great awesome

[MrG]

Come on Beena, sort your shit out otherwise SWIY'll only end up being exactly how The Man always portrays drug users as.

Do you want that? Do you?

Or do you want SWIY to be able to stick two fingers up to them and show that drug users *do* have more knowledge, awareness and thought about their substance use than the ethanol abusing "man in the street", who is welcomed open armed into the bright, shiny world of clubs and bars, to be congratulated and encouraged by all to consume said ethanol until they are able to blame it for their unforgivable callousness and wretched behaviour - "It was the drink that made me do it, your honour". Indeed.

FFS Beena, don't let us down. You've got the chance to show that D-F users are more than your average "drug abusing" stereotype.

So be more than the average.

Reputation Comments on this post:

thanks Mr.G - good advice, well put.

[sylenth]

smurf was 'addicted' to the feeling smurf got from crack 4 a while & it got smurf into alot of trouble breaking into house was the last turning realising point for smurf.

smurf met smurfette & it was what smurf needed amongst realising when the penny eventually dropped to what smurf was doing.

beena says she was feeling well when she was clean for so long. smurfs advice is the following.

it's never too late to stop there's no real hurry to an addiction to end like this. if one wants it to stop bad enough one will realise the more important things in their life eventually.

realise it is a habit more than an addiction. the mind can do anything. you are not weak you are a creature of habit like alot of others.

you have your boyfriend. which is important to you. you know if you look around you there is alot of beautiful things to enjoy other than a certain drug, just like a certain food it becomes boring.

alcohol is what the smurfs calls a seed.... smurfs avoid alcohol big time it gets some ideas growing in the mind while on it often leading to silly actions which have their consequences like wanting to go spend all your cash in a crack house which puts strain on your mind. like not having money for food & other things like travelling to see other places, like other countries as we spoke about in our PM.

what has worked for me which alot of people dont do is this.

think out of the box 'yourself' look at all the actions you do before & while doing them. are they gonna have effects on tomorrow, the next month, 4 ever?

it's like you permanently astral travelling/projecting looking out for your own good. if your boyfriend can't sort his problem out you need to think carefully what you really want & what really comforts you & dont be desperate, don't be too hard on your self.

patience truly is a virtue...........................

Reputation Comments on this post:

	thank-you for your contribution....some good advice given here.
	allways on top of it