Answer to happiness

[The Doors]

SWIM would like to share his first and second experience that occured the past friday night and saturday night. SWIM would like to apologize for the long post a head, but E has given him so much insight that he just can't stop thinking about what happened.

SWIM will begin by giving a bit of a background to his life and his drug history... He has been smoking pot on a more daily basis for about a year and a half now. Aside from marijuana, SWIM tried the obvious tobacco and alcohol but also experimented with salvia about 10months ago. SWIM had always been pretty skeptical about trying any "hard" drug, but after starting doing research on erowid and throught his forum he soon realized that drugs, if used properly, could really help SWIM get some answers that he'd been seeking for a very long time; Why can't he be happy?

SWIM didn't feel he was mentally or physically ready to do Ecstacy (or any other "hard" drug) until recently, which is a good thing because SWIM doesnt think having experienced such a wonderful feeling back a year ago when he was at his lowest would've been a risky business and he might have liked it too much. Either way, SWIM waited out and was glad he did.

SWIM's big hole in his in life has been the absence of his mother, seeing as she was a crack addict most his life, SWIM had always had a hard time seeing his mother as more then just a screw up and didnt really feel any feeling of love towards her(well hadnt for a very long time). SWIM has had girlfriends and moments of happiness during his life but something was always missing, something was always holding SWIM back.

While SWIM was on E, he started to think about his mom, and he felt the need to tell his mom to love her. This was at 2am, he called his mom, and told her he loved her for the first time in 12 years. SWIM then just started to talk as he was thinking, saying it was good to see her happy and to keep going strong with her battle. SWIM felt pretty good that night, he kept hugging his friends... He didnt really know why but at the time, something had changed in him, he felt like something magical had just happened besides the feeling of ecstacy. The remaining of the night went relatively well, listening to music, going for a walk while it was snowing, oh the beauty! SWIM managed to smoke an entire pack of cigarettes which he had never done before(most he ever smoked before that was around 6 in a day and that was a lot) and SWIM quit almost 2months ago.

Sidenote: SWIM consumed 2pills that night, SWIM first consumed the first pill at 6:38pm and waited till 7:40pm to consume the second one seeing as he wasnt feeling anything, the hight must've kicked in around 8:15 and lasted till around 3-4am. SWIM was able to fall asleep fairly quickly that night but didnt get manage to get a lot given the fact he has sleeping on a springbox SWIM would also like to say that he was with a group of friends in a safe environment with lots of water!

That day, SWIM kept thinking about his experience and was debating doing it again tonight and he decided to do it after some reflection. He did have 2more pills and was heading to a small together anyway. SWIM knew he was onto something the previous and felt as if it would be a good time to look more into it, turns out he was right. What happened that night? SWIM will never be able to truly get a explanation as to what was going on and how all the connections were made, but it was magical. SWIM decided to pop the two pills at approximately 8:58pm, and he felt it by 9:20. The high came a lot faster and he definetely felt it inside his system. He started being sweaty pretty quick and the vision was different. SWIM definetely felt the innitial buzz quicker then the night before. SWIM was having a good time looking at everything, he even went to McDonalds and he was amazed at how amazing the patterns on the seat covers looked and when he touched them they felt awesome. Anyways, McDonalds is not a good thing to eat while rolling, the food is way too dry, fruits are definetely better!

The evening went relatively well and around 11:00 SWIM and his friends had a marijuana session. SWIM didnt seem to have noticed much of a enhancement of the high with weed, he was just enjoying smoking. SWIM's friend was talking to a lady online, and when SWIM's friend had his back turned, SWIM started talking to her. SWIM noticed that his friend already told her that his buddy was on E, so SWIM introduced himself as the "E Friend". She started saying that she had experienced it before and that she liked it. SWIM talked to her for about 20minutes and then he invited her over which she did. For some reason that SWIM can't explain, SWIM just knew that this woman could speak french. He had never spoken to her before. SWIM really felt a connection with this girl but unfortunately didn't get a chance to talk to her too much seeing as she couldn't stay too long. SWIM knows that she has been through a lot in her life... anyways it is rather confusing.

After she left, everyone started to watch a movie and SWIM really didn't feel like it, he just wanted to talk to people so he called his best friend. He started talking about what he was thinking of the previous night. SWIM started talking... thinking about how he thought that his own happiness actually started where his mom's does. In the past month or two SWIM has been feeling relatively good and so has for his mom. It seems like they are both spiritually connected and it makes a big impact in his life. SWIM then saw the light, he felt the presence of god... he had found his answer!

Everything made so much sense, SWIM remembered that when he was younger, his mother told him he would never be able to be happy or to love untill he loved his mom, well he did now. All his life, SWIM saw people degrading his mother due to her past instead of supporting her and telling her we were proud of her, SWIM included. The link was made, everything made sense and it had been the sign that SWIM had been waiting for so long. Now that he felt love for his mom, things were more complete inside him, he felt liberated.

SWIM can't help but think it is more then a coincidence everything that happened that night, SWIM still feels as if that encounter with that girl was more then just a random act as he usually shy and doesnt really "go" after anyone, he feels like he has a lot to offer.

This has been a long post, but SWIM is really thankful for the experience he had. SWIM doesn't want to do E too much because it is wonderful and it must stay that way, but he can definetely see himself doing it once a month. It is a great bonding experience.

Sidenote: the only complaint SWIM has is that his jaw hurt the next day but that is a minor detail. Another thing is the fact that it was extremely hard to sleep after the second night but that is obvious considerin g the amount SWIM consumed in both nights.