SWIM'S Reality with methamphetamine

[iFeaRNLoathiNg]

Swims Realitypart1
Well, swim had enough xanax to help him fall asleep for the first time in….let’s just say awhile. Swim’s done so much methamphetamine METH (not glass, ice) all it does any more is make him feel normal. Swim fell asleep a little after 10am (Eastern Time), and woke up at 5pm. Swim lay in bed and thought all of the situations and outcomes that were caused because of the nifty little trick he had learned so long ago. Swim has become so involved with the so called “life” that he pushed away all that was real. Fake friends and snakes in sheep’s clothes, it hard to separate the real ambitions of life from the fake. Instead of a real life with regular job, hobbies, family, and friends it’s like half of life has been one big meth synthesis (swim always smells the Annie fumes and acid smoke).destroys minds pretty easy, swims other post don’t even make sense to him all of a sudden. It made sense to him when he was tweaked, not now. Swim stopped everything before and it seemed like a perfect time for another go. Swim got out of bed and asked a couple of swims “friends” to leave. His head kind of hurt n he was hungry as hell, couldn’t eat of course. So he smoked a couple joints n took 4 blue xanax to help with the mental anguish, and he’s alright for now. Just can’t answer the phone or the door, people rely on him for theirs. Only for now it’s over, hey maybe swim will make that much of a difference.

[~lostgurl~]

Nice to hear! And yes you are right, this post does make a lot more sense than SWIY's previous posts, and is much easier to read!

SWIM is happy for you that you have made this decision, what other changes are you going to have to make in your life to succeed in this decision?

SWIM understands the fake friends issue SWIY has, and also how hard it is to start afresh with a "regular" life rather than a life focused around drugs and the illusion (or completion) of happiness that drugs can bring.

SWIM hopes it works out for SWIY

[iFeaRNLoathiNg]

Swims Realitypart2
Swims weed n pills are workin for sure slept for at least 18 hours, havent seen day light in two days, that kinda sucks.40 missed calls on cell phone (dont really care)Swim Feels a vary strong uncontrolable anger, body hurts, mind hurts n swim just dont really feel like typen anymore. Leave more info later.

------------------------------------------------------------

Swim Smoked more then a couple joints, And took 5, 1mg xanaax(blue). Body and mind feels much better, Sleep is coming soon.

[~lostgurl~]

SWIM hopes SWIY is feeling better soon....... and remember, sleep is a good thing!

[iFeaRNLoathiNg]

a bird can't afford not to fly

[Forthesevenlakes]

Originally Posted by iFeaRNLoathiNg

a bird can't afford not to fly

SWIM may have to use that line in order to encourage other people trying to quit. how is SWIY's kick going? SWIM is also curious as to whether the xanax affected SWIY differently due to withdrawal, or if it just helped SWIY with sleep or reducing social anxiety. Remember to be careful not to swap one addiction for another...so be extremely wary of using benzodiazepines too often when detoxing from any drug!

[iFeaRNLoathiNg]

Originally Posted by Forthesevenlakes

SWIM may have to use that line in order to encourage other people trying to quit. how is SWIY's kick going? SWIM is also curious as to whether the xanax affected SWIY differently due to withdrawal, or if it just helped SWIY with sleep or reducing social anxiety. Remember to be careful not to swap one addiction for another...so be extremely wary of using benzodiazepines too often when detoxing from any drug!

Swim say the xanax just make things bearable and vary good for the social anxiety thing. Vary rarely will he get tired from them innless he smokes weed to really good weed. Swim is vary aware to the switching habit he uses weed as his crutch that’s the addiction he switches to when it consumes days upon days. Swim doesn’t know what he would do with out weed. Yeah Swim was thinking one can’t sit and stay on one plane in life. Got to be constantly moving forward or at least maintain current position can't afford to waste away. If swiy knows what swim means.

[Beltane]

"Got to be constantly moving forward or at least maintain current position can't afford to waste away. If swiy knows what swim means."

SWIM was exactly here a couple days before quitting meth about 8 years ago.

People say that meth is one of the hardest drugs to quit, up there with heroin. SWIM's opinion is that this is based on the fact that most meth users' lives revolve around the drug. Therefore, should one decide to clean up, every single one of this person's acquaintances may be a potential landmine.

SWIM was lucky in that after usnig almost daily for about a year, only three of SWIM's "friends" were users. Just avoid those people and SWIM was home free. Days after a whim-ish decision to quit, SWIM began to feel the gravity of his decision. He successfully avoided those 3 people (one moved away) and was able to get clean.

SWIM was amazed (had little to no experience with meth prior) at the fact that he spent upwards to 2 - 3 months resting and recuperating, getting out of bed only when necessary not to lose his job (luckily he worked from home.)

If SWIM had any advice for SWIY, it would be to restructure SWIY's life in such a way as to never come in contact with SWIY's user friends again. Having been off meth almost comletely (3 times in about 8 years, all freak occurences) for a long while, SWIM attributes his success to breaking contact completely with the people that were supporting the "life" that he was (for lack of a better phrase) leading.

Good luck-

- Beltane

[Myzel]

Yes i totally agree, swim has been free from that funny chemical for almost 2 years 6 days from today. Anyways it is totally true about what was said about staying away from everything that has to do with meth. That demon will be there sneaking up on you at all time's for a long time. You just need to learn how to not let it win. Swim still go into stores and can remember being tweaked the f out. Swim has had a very interesting ride and will continue to enjoy life with or without drugs. Wish anyone the best of luck trying to kick there habits. Just because you fell doesn't mean you cant succeed.

[iFeaRNLoathiNg]

it took awhile for swim to decide if he wanted to post this or not. well he decied and asked me to post.


Its 3:00am, the date would be hard to recall, but the computer I’m on refuses to let me forget (dec12th). Denying me the simple bliss of not knowing its been 6 days of non stop madness. The madness being caused of course by all the crank I’ve done, probably well over enough to be deemed “Too much”. All the years of this endless routine, now suddenly everything fell apart. I of course expected it would end sooner then later, would have to be crazy to expect other wise. Sense I was thirteen years old I knew the know, ever sense then I used the know. But that’s not what this is about. It’s not about the beginning; only the end and what caused it. It brought a lot of things, and destroyed even more. I’ve been a lot of places, seen a lot of things, it’s been 10 years of going too fast. I guess there’s always a point, a single or series of moments that define you, or better yet defines where you’re going. The start of the right way or the end of the wrong if you will. This is about that moment in my life. I’m not saying I’m a great person or even a good one, god knows my flaws and what I’ve caused. And im sure ill pay what I owe when the time comes.


I don’t remember the dates; however I know it was before Christmas. It was probably around 7 or 8 just starting to get dark, I was at a friend Keith’s house. It was just me him and my girlfriend at the time Kate, I was getting everything ready for a batch when Kate comes jogging in saying “Jimmy’s on the phone” (jimmy is who gets the Annie). I get on the phone he says “the tanks empty”, so now I got everything ready, and no Annie, so I call up someone else who knows where another tank is and tell him if he doe’s a “juice run” with jimmy I’ll give him a ball. Of course he obliges me, another hour or so rolls around and jimmy shows up, I tell him to stay in the front room and gave him the little bit of dope I had left while he waits (when your getting down, its always good to keep someone there if they know your cooking there). Flash forward I’m in the back yard splashing (Annie - Lithium) when jimmy comes outside higher then a kite saying “Man, I see flashing lights man” there was no flashing lights. I tell him go back into the house before he gets me paranoid. I make it up to bubbling the first jar and he comes down in the basement and says “there’s someone on the roof across the street!” I say something like man, do not bullshit me, but he insists there’s someone on the roof. I tell Kate to continue bubbling (showed her that little part) while I go look, and of course there was no one on the roof. I get back downstairs and Kate is still bubbling like a champ. We get a couple jars done filter them out and started to re run the jars. Kate bumped the heat lamp (used to keep jars warm) and it must have been hot enough because it ignited one of the filters full of dope (right next to the jar full of ether). Luckily I handled it like a pro before anything could catch (fumes or what Eva). Now that I think about it the fumes should of caught (why didn’t they???), fast forward the suns just coming up, I’m all done and I’ve got Keith on clean up. After all the jars were washed and shattered placed in a box and Disposed of along with everything else I opened a filter and started to get high. About two hours later a cop rides by the front window (nothing out of the ordinary but of course it gets observed like it was Bigfoot). Jimmy freaks out, witch freaks me out witch freaked everybody else out. That fast we were all freaked out hunched down in total silence watching the TV (surveillance cam on front yard/driveway). I sneak my way into the bath room with the 30 something grams of dope (make sure the reservoir in the toilet is filled that way I get a guaranteed flush) and sit. I don’t know how many hours it took to come down but when I did I wanted to leave that house. So me Kate and Keith took off and got a hotel room. Everything was cool; I had to make a run so I had Kate take me, after I got out of where I was going we were on our way back to the hotel when she made a wrong turn. I said wrong turn, and she ignored me that quick we were on a dark road headed towards a dead end. I knew she was setting me up, I didn’t know if it was the police if it was a jack or if I was just fucken nuts (i gave her everything, why would she do that?). So I ask her “Kate what’s going on? You better fucken tell me before it happens” I reach over a turn of the car at the same time grabbing the keys out of the ignition. She applies the brake and in the rear view I see a car with no head lights on. Watching the rear view I see 4 or 5 guys get out and start to approach the car. So I jump out, it was the people who I know; people who I never did wrong, they say just give us the dope man. I start to get shaky and pull out the 9mm berretta 92 inox no one knew I had on me. I cocked it and pointed it in their direction and didn’t say a word. No one moved they were all saying shit like “chill man, chill” running through my Methamphetamine soaked mind was do they have a gun? Should I shoot right now? I screamed something crazy at them and told em to give me the car keys. Started to say something instead of give me the keys so I raised the gun a little and let off a round. He gave the keys; I put them in my pocket along with Kate’s keys and I took off running like a wild banshee through the woods towards the hotel. Seemed like 2 mins although I know it had to be at least a half hour. I made it into the room lungs burning, heart probably about to explode, I pushed the dresser and flipped it up barricading the door and explained it to Keith. We leave the hotel go back to his house. After about 5 or 6 hours I calm down and take a shower I get out of the shower to find my berretta is missing, along with the dope. I knew the deal before I left the bath room. Keith was in on it too, got me clamed and took the shit while I was showering. My heart dropped thinking about the bullshit I had to deal with when I left the bathroom. Not knowing what to do I just jumped into it, I exit the bathroom and yup there everyone is flexing there chest like they were hard talking shit like now what ya going to do. I look at Keith the only person I give my full trust too, I fed him, I paid his bill, I treated him like he was blood, just for him to do this. As I was looking at him he said fuck this and walked into the back room, they started to jump me then I herd CLICK ,CLICK. Its Keith with a spas-12 semi-auto shot gun. He gives me my berretta back and says “I’m sorry man” I got my dope back from the fuck-o and left em with a little marks of their own. I left and went home, sitting and wondering what the fuck just happen? The phone rang; I thought to myself “I don’t know anyone worthy of answering the phone for. While I was busy with all this other shit, the whole world passed me by, all the simple things that fill everyday normal life is a mystery all of a sudden. I began to wonder why I am doing this anyway. Why cook dope? Just cook dope to cook dope? It makes no sense, I can’t do it for ever so what’s the point in wasting so much time on something that’s not going to lead anywhere other then getting high, getting fuck by so called friends and lovers, in jail or even dead. It totally destroyed everyone of my peoples mind. This whole time I would have given them dope. But they want it all. I gave the meth more time then I gave anyone or anything else. In that case I will never progress; I can only stay steady or regress. I find myself at a place I don’t want to be. In a completely dark room with a loaded pistol peaking out of a window paranoid as fuck because of the fucked up week I had. Why put myself here? Why go through all that bullshit? It’s not cool, it used to be maybe I tried so hard to become what I am that I lost sight of who I am. All that’s different now, I don’t do that to myself, and I don’t give so much to something that doesn’t give anything back in return. My shits not completely together, but it’s getting there.

Reputation Comments on this post:

	great
	Hard life, but incredibly exciting and what seemed like deeply (and harshly) honest post
	powerful story...
	Good story. Hope you're alright.
	Chilling story, great read. Entertaining but astonishingly real at the same time.
	phew! what an eye-opener... who would've thought?

[Myzel]

Wow! That just put swim in a weird state of mind reading that. Swims heart is pounding of this so real story swim just read. It's nuts because swim can put his self right into those all to familiar moments. Cooking dope, guns ,fake ass bitch's that are suppose to have your back. Its a pretty shitty reality when swim looks back on what used to be swim. Where does it all lead? It will always lead to the same place HELL! Which can be a interesting place depending on how you are looking at it.. Methamphetamine is a crazy chemical that swim has a great deal of respect for.. Swim does not hate it but rather looks at it in a different way and respects it. It has taken swim through some rather unexplainable experiences that swim would not trade for the world and at the same time it has taken swims world away from him completely.. Sorry for rambling but that just brought swim back to a so familiar place..Great read

[iFeaRNLoathiNg]

Swiy sure is right about the respect thing, got to respect is properties and its purpose (to fuck you up) too much for too long will do just that. Swallow WHO EVER right up, leaving behind someone who barley resembles a human being. (Moral and intellect wise)

[Myzel]

Swim thanks swiy for posting that. Swim got alot out of it. And agree that it will "shallow WHO EVER right up" Its a eveyday reminder of what swim used to be

[iFeaRNLoathiNg]

The worst post reaction

This may be swims last post, swim thanks for all the knowledge that swim was able to share and gain. swim always knew things would never last for ever, swim has always tried to be righteous with his actions never doing anyone wrong and shit. but here swim finds himself on the wrong side of the line once again. this time swims standing there holding the cookie jar. as much as swim had and as much as swim accomplished; nothing matters anymore. three and a half years in college, nice house, cars, LIFE,swims Kid ..gone. now swim is in a unknowing place, around unknowen people with the hope that maybe swim is still unknowen. $2,828. 58, 2 and a half zones of whatever and 1500 miles from anything he knows. to all the other swims, just remember that that one little reaction that swiy studies practices and prides swiyself on will sooner or later end up at the only place it can. swim has had many chances, has been in and out. swim chose this and this is the reaction swim received. it took over 10 years, but it CAME back. swim is sure that this fast typed post probably will not reach anyone but if it does, great, maybe swim actually helped someone the right way. swim worked hard to be the Ocean, now, he would love to be anything else.
iFeaRNLoathing

[augentier]

Wow, your story is moving..SWIM has known people who totally lost themselves to tweak .. SWIY's experience hits close to home for a good friend of SWIM's...thank you for posting it, and I sincerely hope that whatever you choose to do in the future, you choose wisely and in your best interest.

[Beltane]

I'm in AWE reading that story.

SWIM actually thought he had it a little rough losing a year to snorting meth (no cooking involved.) Now he feels like the metaphorical equivalent of a guy who got rushed to the hospital in an ambulance for an ingrown toenail only to be dropped off next to a guy who's just found out that he needs to have a quadruple bipass done before they can go ahead with the liver tranplant that'll make it possible to strart the chemotherapy.

Best of luck man. My prayers are with you, and it takes a LOT for me to pray for someone.

- Beltane

[Nacumen]

SWIM knows what its like to always be sincere and honest but nevertheless get arbitrarily fucked by fake friends. One puts so much trust into another person, just assuming that they'll be as good to you as you are to them... but it almost never works out that way, does it?

You may have taken some falls, but you can try to put them behind you now. SWIM knows from personal experience that returning to reality, so to speak, is one of the most beautiful and reassurring parts of the recovery.

Keep fighting, and never step down to the challenge when it comes to your life.

[IntrepidTraveler]

Just wanted to say wow, man. That story was chilling and intense. SWIM doesn't know many drug people who wouldn't be touched by it.

SWIM has an old, very close friend whose terrible meth problems eventually led to heavy drug dealing. Recently, he was set up by some "friends" who cooperated with Pigs and acted as informants. He's facing 15 to life on felony drug manufacture and other related drug charges. He's 21 years old.

SWIY's story reminds SWIM so much of his friend; not just because his so-called friends turned his back on him, but because he was, perhaps, the most caring, loving and genuine person SWIM had ever known. He was raped and taken advantage of by Meth and the people he used with. SWIM wishes SWIY the best of luck in whatever SIWY plans in the future, and urges SWIY to remember that sunnier days lay ahead.

[iFeaRNLoathiNg]

"still here, still the same, mabey one day god will forgive me for being so insane." - Swim

[cyndi]

Originally Posted by iFeaRNLoathiNg

still here, still the same, mabey one day god will forgive me for being so insane.

Oh boy how many times swim has uttered those words. Good advice was given, swim had to move out of the city to clean up. Once clean, and it is an uphill battle, found some peace till recently. Swim is trying to understand the insanity.

At my age, so called friends of swim who used meth are dead, in prison, or out of their mind and still using. Yeah a friend of mine just got out after serving 16 years after a so called friend turned on him to keep her butt out of jail. Really messed up. I seriously can't think of one who has stayed off of it. Unfortunately that is true. I hate it when young people get jacked up on that crap.

[iFeaRNLoathiNg]

swim asked me to put this up here


"What is it really worth, Coming from someone like me, my lessons having been learned and my insecurity's set free. I will share what i've learned, what I know, and what i've seen. Tell of my losses, gains, my hopes and my dreams all the things that just drop me to my knees.......I've been here and there always coming or going, regardless of witch way, just to end up at the same place at the end of the day, this road to no where tookso long and was hard to build. it was somthing that required alot of time and skill, its been so long and i really miss my son, only im lost in myself, these drugs and this gun. it dont matter if anyone lisens or cares its been like that for so meny years, there was so much hate and decied, every night i struggle to sleep. so much trouble and so much drama, only kid on the block with out a daddy or a mama, i am full of regret and full of sorrow and most nights i pray that there was no tommorow, my hope and my faith still are not lost.i wonder how much could happiness cost, everything is geting to hard to hold, it seems like i got mine one hundered fold, everyone i love they love me less, the only thing im good causes so much stress, i guess i'll do what i gotta, i bet its still not enough, the blind still leads the blind and life is still fucked up"

[cyndi]

I lost two sons due to my drug addiction, I feel pain everyday for what I did. The best you can do is move forward with your life as your past will keep you in guilt and you will continue to use to numb the pain. I am not lecturing, I have been there. Guilt and anger and two things we can't go, they will make us use. You sound like me at one time on a self destructive path. I used to pray to God to not let me live every night. I just couldn't take it anymore. I tried several suicide attempts, I still don't know how I survived them. What you need to do is get some type of clarity and think of how you can get your life going again. Meth believe me is not the answer. It is a slow and painful death. Yes I lost all of my family too. My dad won't speak to me and mom died so I basically have only my 3 kids left I have been blessed with. If it wasn't for them, I would not have a reason to live. Honest answer. It is a tough drug to kick, I am not kidding on that. I had to go to rehab long term and then move once I had enough tools to keep me clean. If I didn't move I would either be in prison, dead, or crazy. At 44, that is the way it turns out, I have seen it too many times. THere aren't a lot of success stories. That drug is the most evil in my opinion. It just takes your soul. Please get some help. You are too valuable a person to allow yourself to deteriorate. Your son out there loves you, he will not forget his real dad. Who knows if you clean up, you may see your son again, but definitely not high. It will just spiral down.

Reputation Comments on this post:

words of wisdom

[iFeaRNLoathiNg]

10mgxanax

"mabey things get better, mabey things only hide in the grass just waiting. either way swim could acully care less. swim tries to stay sober but things never seem to be importent enough.theres no one to blame this on, one day... one thing i can can asure you is that im not scared now. hell, today can would be that day if there aware.everything has gone away, i wanted everything to be differnt.. thigns always seem to go twisted, but theres so much left to lose. torment and pain. i dont know what to do.but i can still feel." - swim

[cyndi]

Swim reread this whole thread she is clean and in her right mind now hopefully forever but you know....and can somewhat focus. Wow! Swim just doesn't know the right words to say. I hope and pray that both of us can see the light of tomorrow with fresh eyes and not want to die that meth death. Personally swim just can't go through taking a bullet to the head again, also that is well I will close this. Good luck and hopefully tomorrow is a better day.