Diary of a Mad Tweaker

[Nicaine]

Caution: The author of this journal may be clinically insane. Read at your own risk.

Entry #1

SWIM has been rolling for somewhere between 12 and 60 hours (strong stimulant, dopamine reuptake inhibitor). There's no sense of time passing, merely a series of disconnected events, so it's necessary to just guess.

SWIM has taken harm reduction to the limit, which paradoxically allows him to take his (ab)use to the limit as well. Heart medications like enalapril, atenolol, labetalol and verapamil are available, although not to be used all at the same time. Benzos, phenibut and a sedative-hypnotic are available if things get too tweaky. Taurine and L-Tyrosine are available on the amino acid tip. Calcium, magnesium, A/C/E complex, B-50 and full spectrum therapeutic vitamins can be taken. Ginkgo biloba, Hawthorn berry, EGCg in the way of herbals. Kratom for comedowns and in-between times. Prilosec is there for stomach acid problems. Docusate Sodium for constipation. Trileptal is available on the off-chance a strong anticonvulsant is needed. Electrolyte tablets are available for potential imbalances, and acetaminophen for pain relief. Benzocaine cream for local pain/itching. Microwaveable heat pack for sore muscles. Large, reusable enema bag for really bad constipation (only happens about once every few days... that's not so bad!).

In addition, SWIM keeps his fluid intake high and tries to remember to eat at least simple carbs. He usually does protein shakes at least once/day. Gallon jug of water by the computer to refill from. A special bottle in case he's too drained to take a piss standing up, not to mention what can be a fairly long four-meter walk to the toilet.

Has SWIM thought of everything? He cannot leave anything out. Nothing can be overlooked. If a massive heart attack occurs, he will be able to at least attempt reaching for the telephone before blacking out. He will have to close his encrypted drive w/usernames, passwords, etc. before he dies. Why the hell it matters, SWIM hasn't a clue, but it does.

SWIM's roommate sometimes departs for 24 hours at a time, so luckily the weather's cool this time of year and bodies don't rot that fast. SWIM's corpse would be surrounded by one hell of a jumbled mess of drugs, herbs, dirty cups and glasses, napkins, crushed pills lying around, scattered dirty clothing, empty oral and anal syringes, empty glass vials, eyedroppers, never-opened pieces of mail, books, food, pens, rubber bands, notes with unreadable crap written on them, CD cases, empty Altoids tins, empty plastic bottles, plastic bags, and, of course, one nasal pump sprayer (small) about 1/4 full of an unknown liquid, in which is dissolved a certain unknown substance that basically caused all this sh*t.

Reputation Comments on this post:

your where most people can't even imagen

[Jatelka]

Please do NOT use B-blockers and Calcium Channel blockers within at LEAST a few days of each other (and preferably not at all). There is a REAL risk of conduction problems (up to, and including Complete Heart Block) with this combination and the last thing the mad tweaker needs is a pacemaker insertion!

[Nicaine]

Entry #2

SWIM is about out of real food, as he hasn't bothered to hit the grocery store for awhile (Why? He could save a lot of time, money and hassle by becoming a breatharian). If/when SWIM ever decides to chill out & come down, there's not a whole lot around here to eat.

Protein powder, check (yuck). Oatmeal, check. Two outdated yoghurts, check. Stale English muffins, check. Dry cat food (the expensive sh*t too), uhhm...

Wait... SWIM is saved!!! One Marie Callender's Honey Roasted Chicken Breast meal... CHECKMATE! Enough food to keep him alive until he gets enough sleep to hit the grocery store anyway.

SWIM is drinking a protein powder shake at the moment. The good stuff, intended for bodybuilders adding muscle mass. Certainly keeps his energy up better than vanilla sandwich creme cookies and cocoa mix eaten directly from the packet.

SWIM just got a great idea -- he'll go make a nice, hot cup of tea. Hey... the more caffeine the better when you're abusing stimulants... might as well try & have a bad enough panic attack to make it all worthwhile. After all -- aside from being able to orgasm every 10 or 15 minutes, what reason is there to use stimulants except delighting in misery, agony and suffering? The pain and the pleasure, folks. That's what it's all about.

Originally Posted by Jatelka

Please do NOT use B-blockers and Calcium Channel blockers within at LEAST a few days of each other (and preferably not at all). There is a REAL risk of conduction problems (up to, and including Complete Heart Block) with this combination and the last thing the mad tweaker needs is a pacemaker insertion!

Don't worry... SWIM may be crazy, but he's not stupid. Lately he's been using enalapril to lower blood pressure and decrease vasoconstriction, with small doses of atenolol to slow his heart rate a bit. Not that uncomplicated tachycardia is much of anything to worry about, but it just gives him the warm fuzzies.

[~lostgurl~]

SWIM is worried about SWIY. There is such a thing as too much harm reduction, well in SWIY's case anyway. Does SWIY you really know all the interactions of all the chemicals, vitamins, supplements etc etc that SWIY is filling SWIY's body and mind with? SWIY is talking about death like it inconsequential, it is not, death is the end. SWIM is not trying to preach here, she is seriously worried for your safety.

[El Calico Loco]

I hope the author remains sane and healthy. Some of us would miss him, were he to disappear without warning.

That said, it is the author's life to live or die as he pleases.


This moment, this one right here, is the story of your life.
This one, and the one before it, and the one after it. From first to last.
You get to tell it.
Though there are so many - too many - in this world who would like to,
no one else can tell it for you.


ECL

[Nicaine]

Entry #3

SWIM has been rolling practically nonstop for over 60 hours... he last slept during the day on Monday (not long either, maybe 4 hours), received his stuff late that afternoon and started feeding it to his lab rats then. It's now 9AM Thursday morning. Very shortly it will be three days and nights since he started. Probably used almost 150mg total in that 72 hour period.

SWIM has little to say... he's finding it VERY hard to type or focus coherently, not to mention the hallucinations starting to creep in. Just thought I'd post a picture collage SWIM made this morning, as it really says it all more clearly. If anyone has complaints about the download speed, just sit your ass still & be patient for a minute.

Originally Posted by ~lostgurl~

SWIM is worried about SWIY. SWIY is talking about death like it inconsequential, it is not, death is the end. SWIM is not trying to preach here, she is seriously worried for your safety.

Yes, SWIM is glad to be alive and breathing. If in fact he IS alive. Suppose he died, and this place is really Hell? How would a person know for sure exactly?

[Nicaine]

Entry #4

Auditory hallucinations definitely starting to creep in, although it's still more delusional at this point (i.e. misinterpretation/abnormal reactions to background sounds). It sounds like SWIM is in a huge room with thousands of people far off in the distance all talking at once. Not to mention every once in awhile realizing he'd been "gone"... no conscious presence for some unknown length of time. Also, he keeps starting to do something and then *immediately* forgets what it was... it would be funny if it weren't so pitiful.

SWIM *has to* sleep later today/tonight, or he will be headed for the psych ward soon. He has to eat more also, or they'll be putting a feeding tube down his throat while he's in there. For the moment he put in a pair of earplugs, and that does help a bit with the disturbing noises. He tried lying down for a few minutes and damn, did that feel good... but then he stood up again (too stimulated) and it felt so bad he almost collided face first with the floor. Huge flashes of light, dizziness + vision fading in & out for a few minutes. Next time SWIM does that he doesn't intend to stand up again until he's slept, but probably can't have any stimulants active in his system. It's hard to know for sure tho... after 72 hours, even stimulants don't hold off sleep very well. SWIM has had times on coke runs where he was seriously neither asleep nor awake. It's truly one of the strangest sensations around.

Funny how (like usual) probably 90% of all this is due to lack of sleep and proper nutrition. SWIM did make himself eat a full meal earlier today (one of the larger size microwaveable brands) & chased it later with a high quality protein shake. It's the damn physical/mental exhaustion more than anything... whewee...

Reputation Comments on this post:

Though concerning, this is very interesting stuff.

[MrG]

Dude, gotta ask - SWIY's got a roomy?

[Nicaine]

Originally Posted by MrG

Dude, gotta ask - SWIY's got a roomy?

Yah, sort of... why do you ask? SWIM shares a condo with his younger brother. Not exactly the same thing but close enough. He's usually either at work or out hanging with friends, and SWIM does worry about being too isolated and cut off from emergency aid if he ever needed it. More for his brother's sake than his, as SWIM could conceivably be in an advancing stage of rot/decay before his brother started wondering why he was always "asleep" when he got off work.

BTW, SWIM is feeling somewhat better mood-wise. The conflict between needing rest/sleep and wanting to keep on tweaking has largely gone away, replaced by a semiconscious 'twilight zone' SWIM alluded to in a previous post. He's neither truly awake nor asleep but in a sort of weightless, disconnected waking-dream state where nothing really matters. He should probably get ready for bed, as this sort of thing can lead to sudden realizing one had been dozing on the bathroom floor or under the coffee table the past four hours.

[Nicaine]

Entry #5

OMG... SWIM had no clue it was possible to be this tired without being comatose. People talk about 'being half asleep' but this is another league completely. It's more like SWIM is ALL THE WAY asleep, but somehow retains enough consciousness to sit up and grope around near the mouse/keyboard.

Visually speaking, everything has taken on a dim reddish tint. SWIM can't remove the earplugs he's got in, because he starts having auditory hallucinations & delusions immediately. True to form for him, about the only thing still working anywhere near up to speed is his sense of immediacy and focus. Nothing appears to significantly affect his captivated absorption in the moment. Something SWIM thinks he picked up from 5+ years of serious meditation practice (or maybe it's always been there). It's definitely helped SWIM deal with certain events and circumstances some may not have survived with their sanity intact.

Anyway, this is one of the longest continuous periods SWIM has been awake in the past 15 years. Maybe one or two other times, probably just one. He doesn't think he'll have any trouble sleeping tonight, although he's always a bit anxious about going to sleep when he's both burned out from uppers AND totally exhausted. It feels like the kind of combination people just don't wake up from sometimes (likely due to a heart attack or something in their sleep)

SWIM can't type any more... too stressful to keep blindly stabbing at the keyboard (and missing half the time) while keeping his hands over the top of the keys instead of letting them dropping down to his sides. Thankfully it's 4:45 *PM* here, and SWIM will feel much more right about going to bed at night than he would if it were 7:30AM and just getting light outside.

Hasta la vista, mis amigos queridos...

P.S., the pic on top is *not* of SWIM, just indicative of how he's been feeling.

[Cavy182]

SWIM an mate express concerne and both hope SWIY finds what ever SWIY is or isn't looking for.

[London_Bloke]

^^^^ I second that. I am worried about SWINicane. Please post ASAP.

[MrG]

Well I did kinda wonder how your lab monkey managed to be in an almost continuous state of experimentation whilst sharing a condo. Is your bro "educated" about your pet monkey or is your pet monkey carefully concealed whenever he is around?

[Alfa]

OK, knock off this stupid shit and go to sleep now for at least 36! SWIY will be having some strange dreams.
So, the most important harm reduction aid has been forgotten huh? FOOD!

[Nicaine]

Originally Posted by Alfa

OK, knock off this stupid shit and go to sleep now for at least 36! SWIY will be having some strange dreams.
So, the most important harm reduction aid has been forgotten huh? FOOD!

Fate intervened in the form of a storm that knocked out electrical power to SWIM's residence for nearly a week! Funny how things happened this way, as it's not impossible he may have otherwise continued the stupidity into the grave or a locked psych ward.

Anyway, SWIM's apartment was down below 5 degrees C during the day, so he left and stayed with a couple friends (one of whom he introduced to kratom, although this fellow already smoked marijuana on a regular basis). SWIM is delighted to announce the power is back on (as of late yesterday) and his apartment is warm again. Lots of aftermath-type cleanup needed, which will be started soon. Nice bottle of Lunesta to pick up at the pharmacy too .

[El Calico Loco]

Originally Posted by Nicaine

Fate intervened in the form of a storm that knocked out electrical power to SWIM's residence for nearly a week! Funny how things happened this way, as it's not impossible he may have otherwise continued the stupidity into the grave or a locked psych ward.

As I always say, it's Swiy's life. But Swim is glad Swiy made it back. The Blind Hermit tells us that he's known many people over the years who went out to the edge... and fell over.

Besides, Swiy knows too much to leave. Many could learn from his experiences.


ECL

[Nicaine]

Originally Posted by Alfa

OK, knock off this stupid shit and go to sleep now for at least 36! SWIY will be having some strange dreams.
So, the most important harm reduction aid has been forgotten huh? FOOD!

BTW Alfa, has SWIY much experience with lengthy/heavy stimulant use?

First, the digestion doesn't work very well and nutrients aren't well absorbed even if one manages to eat. Second, even if a person could eat twice the usual amount of calories, it probably won't be enough; it's burned off rapidly through boosted metabolism. To sum up, it's quite impossible to maintain weight during heavy/chronic use of strong stimulants. Losing weight is inevitable. The only question is "how fast?"

P.S. to add a final note (not directed at you specifically), this thread was obviously intended to be hyperbolic. If the title wasn't enough, the picture of a guy in a straitjacket should have made it obvious. Frankly the anxiety, paranoia and general pusillanimous attitude toward stimulants by certain forum notables is really wearing thin lately.

[pankreeas]

Wow.. Swim missed this thread totally. Funny thing, he had a 3 day power outage last week too.. which was used to re-connect to the "real" world as well. He also froze at 3 degrees for nearly 3 days. It's funny how things like this always make one think about what is really important in life and what is "really" need to survive.. then when the power comes back on it's all taken for granted again. After reading this thread swim kept getting flashbacks about his 3 day long datura experience (which hopefully someday he will be able to piece together and write a report on) Swim knows what a shock coming back to reality can be after an epic experience like swiy had. Especially when swiy mentioned not knowing how much times had passed.. oh man does that ever bring back memories of that belladona run, swim remembers thinking to himself on many occasions "2 hours or 2 days?"

[Alfa]

SWIM has has done his share of binging and absurd doses of phenethylamine type drugs, which should have been spread over months, instead of days. But SWIM does not do so anymore as SWIM finds it simply not worth while to spend so much time recovering. There is more to live for SWIM.
One measure which has always paid off, is to keep eating, even though this is hard to do at times and not all types of food will go. Sometimes it is a gruesome task, but worth the effort.

BTW: What DA reuptake inhibitor did the mad tweaker take?

[snapper]

Wow, SWIM was just wondering why Nicaine's monkeys were so quiet...
Guess SWIM missed an interesting train-wreck of a thread. Glad SWI-Nicaine lived through it. SWIM used to regularly do 3-5 days with meth, but SWIM could not imagine tolerating that any more. Remember in can take a long time to repair damage done from that kind of ride so recover for a few weeks before considering more self abuse...
That stuff in the little plastic nasal bottle is the devil in SWIMs opinion. SWIM has learned NEVER to have any significant amount within easy reach.
Get well soon !

[Paracelsus]

Phew, Nicaine....I seriously thought your monkey was dead, when I noticed your long absence. Good to hear it was only a problem with the power.

[Nicaine]

Originally Posted by Paracelsus

Phew, Nicaine....I seriously thought your monkey was dead, when I noticed your long absence. Good to hear it was only a problem with the power.

The timing of it was certainly strange... if I had the right or ability to apologize for fate (which I don't), I'd say I'm sorry for what happened and that it worried anybody.

I'm thinking too that threads like this are more than some people can handle, so I won't be starting any more like this again. I already regret this one, even though it was intended mostly as tongue-in-cheek hyperbole (with wording carefully chosen for maximum impact). There are many people out there full of anxiety, fear and paranoia, full of negativity and taking everything too seriously. SWIM has been there and can feel pity for these anxious/fearful types, but no longer has any empathy or understanding or tolerance for it. Go hide in a closet, and let others do what they want with their own bodies.

Originally Posted by snapper

That stuff in the little plastic nasal bottle is the devil in SWIMs opinion. SWIM has learned NEVER to have any significant amount within easy reach.

SWIM is still hopeful on the "self-control" front, and has reason to believe there comes a point where understanding dawns that a little plastic nasal bottle has no power, influence or control whatsoever. The only devil (if there is one) is the one behind the pair of eyes reading these words.

[muckvein]

Just read this thread. swim enjoys a simular journey. What struck swime whilst reading was just how beautiful, comforting and inviting the melanchollie can be. Smiling is only ever feined for social intrusions. But swIm look inside swIm swear swIm should be wearing a constant wry grin. swIm'm happy with swims little personal tragedy. Death crosses me occasionally but It's always a joke that Swim could die any minute. Same for all living things regardless of dedication to self medication. Such is life. What are you going to do? Cry about it? swIm do. And it feels so good swIm never want to stop.

[Nicaine]

Originally Posted by muckvein

Just read this thread. swim enjoys a simular journey. What struck swime whilst reading was just how beautiful, comforting and inviting the melanchollie can be.

Indeed... hell can be a sweeter place than heaven. Interesting to run across someone who understands that.

Smiling is only ever feined for social intrusions. But swIm look inside swIm swear swIm should be wearing a constant wry grin. swIm'm happy with swims little personal tragedy. Death crosses me occasionally but It's always a joke that Swim could die any minute. Same for all living things regardless of dedication to self medication. Such is life. What are you going to do? Cry about it? swIm do. And it feels so good swIm never want to stop.

LOL... it's all a joke, isn't it? The whole banana.

What better day than Sartreday (err, I mean Saturday) to quote Sartre...

"When you live alone you no longer know what it is to tell something: the plausible disappears at the same time as the friends."

"People who live in society have learned how to see themselves in mirrors as they appear to their friends. I have no friends. Is that why my flesh is so naked?"

"Man is a useless passion."
"Nothingness haunts being."
"What a joke! No need of a gridiron, Hell is other people."
"It is certain that we cannot escape anguish, for we are anguish."
"I exist. It's sweet, so sweet, so slow..."
"I exist, that is all, and I find it nauseating."

-- Jean-Paul Sartre

[Nicaine]

Speaking of self-control BTW, SWIM's got a couple Benzedrex inhalers but doesn't really feel like indulging tonight (sleep sounds better) so he's not planning to... does that count?