SWIM's Masochistic Streak?

[Nicaine]

SWIM has once again used stimulants unwisely (propylhexedrine, going on 36 hours straight) which has caused sleep deprivation, eating improperly, ill feelings, physical exhaustion, fear of dying, etc.

SWIM wonders if the seeds of all this were planted in childhood. He was basically raised to turn anger inward on himself since early childhood. In SWIM's early 20s he was diagnosed with panic attack disorder. For those who haven't had panic attacks as a chronic disorder, there's a whole mood state that goes along with the illness, and get this -- you feel like you're doing it to yourself in some way. In other words (at least to SWIM) it felt like he set off a willful, voluntary and purposeful chain of thought which resulted in severe panic attacks and then he continued to purposely set off this "thought-bomb" every time he managed to relax a little bit... feeling relaxed/better was instantly the trigger for an even worse cycle of panic. This is very hard (almost impossible) to explain to someone who hasn't lived inside SWIM's head.

Anyway... SWIM thinks he may have a well disguised/hidden masochistic streak. Maybe he likes to suffer, feel like sh*t, ruin his health and freak out. Maybe it satisfies something in him that wants to return to the safety/overprotection of childhood where everything is done for him and he just exists without responsibility or challenge or even creativity... living in a numb, sedated comfort zone. SWIM doesn't really know for sure. Something must be keeping him using stimulants well into the realm where they feel like utter sh*t most of the time and SWIM sits around wondering if his heart or a blood vessel in his brain is suddenly gonna give out, or maybe he'll die in his sleep after a particularly long roll. He wonders if there's a part of him that doesn't care... or even wants it to happen, the sooner the better.

P.S. no real depression here folks, just negativity based on contemplation. If SWIM is physically OK after all the propyl use (it's gone now) he'll probably be just fine.

[gileas]

SWIM isnt alone. SWIM's mom died when he was 5 of cancer, there was a big, ugly divorce during this as well, and SWIM remembers testifying in court to his desire to be allowed to remain with his father rather than being forced to live with his mothers relatives. SWIM's father then committed suicide when SWIM was 13, and SWIM found the body. SWIM shares many feelings and actions with Some Other SWIM, and thinks this childhood crap is corrolated. SWIM also has panic attacks, uses stims which do not help, and SWIM sometimes wants to just call it a loss and cash out. SWIM isnt 'depressed' he just feels he is not the master of his own domain. SWIM's self-destructive tendencies took the form of suicidal behavior, specifically buying expensive fast cars and doing things like driving them too fast for no reason and driving off, for an example, a 50 foot cliff, but SWIM never did die. SWIM stopped counting his totalled car wrecks, twisted metal which he always eemed to walk out of, when he wrecked his 13th car. SWIM realized then what he was doing, and stopped the car thing. Now SWIM is just, basically, waiting, counting the days, hours, weeks, useless life, waiting for it to end. Not wanting it to, not resisting it, just knows it must happen and wonders what is taking so long.

Gil

[Donmeka]

weird that SWIM has also felt that he is unknowingly self destructive. SWIM has always had his substances on lock but overall just the use and some of SWIMs behavior does relate to both your posts. Its just that feeling that your waiting for something else and ur tired of bullshit life provides, but at the same time you love life so you place it in "gods" hands and wait.

Maybe it satisfies something in him that wants to return to the safety/overprotection of childhood where everything is done for him and he just exists without responsibility or challenge or even creativity... living in a numb, sedated comfort zone.

also nicaine i feel that way somewhat as well when SWIM uses cocaine it reminds him of that feeling as a child of unalterable happiness and the feeling that nothing is wrong in the world, he also has had those thoughts and wishes that he were back in his warm litle world with his mother where nothing is wtrong.

when SWIM first ever touched the white lady he indulged and then she taught him a swift lesson with a slap to the face. SWIM never even felt a tickle of addiction until she came along. SWIM still partakes but only lays her once in a blue moon. but it does trigger something in SWIMs mind that brings him back to the sweet days.

SWIM doesnt want to die but does wonder/trip if its soon or when.

[El Calico Loco]

Swim often had self-destructive tendencies in the past. He's done a lot of dangerous things, like taking 250mg diphenhydramine while stone drunk (his first trip), smoking crack with complete strangers in a sleazy hotel room in the bad part of Las Vegas, and having unprotected sex with a toothless meth addict.

Psychedelics and dissociatives have turned his life around. 2C-I, 2C-E, and DXM helped him to figure out what was going on under the surface and then deal with it.

He has not become perfect. He's not even quite "happy" - he still has bad days from time to time, still hates his job, still smokes too much, etc - but he could be called "content for now". He's no longer sullen, angry, withdrawn, introverted, or self-destructive.

Based on his experience, I think most people use the wrong drugs. No drug is absolute evil, but those that make you feel good tend to be dangerous for those who feel bad most of the time. Psychedelics and dissociatives aren't always fun at the time, but can make one feel better permanently if used properly.


ECL

[gileas]

SWIM has talked long and hard about this topic with people he considers smart, insightful and that rare type of individual who thinks and speaks from the mind and heart. Not those who, when confronted with this sort of soul-searching, self-inventory, 'what was cause and what was effect, what led my life to this point and what role did drug use have in it resort to cliche answers 'oh Im so sorry' but those who can digest and contribute, who are capable of going beyond the shallow words which are so apparently the norm in our society, but who can and do offer more than that, who by their nature are special people. SWIM took many drugs, of many types (pain concealment <narcotics, anti-depressants of the SSRI type> insight seeking drugs <hallucination causing, <LSD, Peyote> or psychedelics such as MDMA or MDA, taken not to dance the night away but to seek inner conflict resolution and original causation of the road traveled, 'feel good now, pay later,' types like cocaine, or marijuana, a drug which can be all or none of the above, and SWIM took it with many reasons or sometimes none, starting at age 12 or so and never regretted using it, unlike most other types which at some point caused feelings of sadness, just in the taking of them, usually far, far after ingestion, weeks or months or years) and still tries to understand what role did traumatic events in SWIMs life play in the development of who he became (parental deaths, friends suicides, events he could not control, and events he later regretted not taking control of, like being molested as a child by a grandfather, concealing it from fear and from shame, only later after the death of the molester was SWIM able to come to terms with what happened enough to unburden himself of the sole weight of those events and being able to tell friends, who SWIM always had few of and who were choosen with care and who are almost without exception still friends).

SWIM went from hating life for dealing such raw cards to seeing beyond the initial layers of what he believes is a one-time ride, life being so very strange yet beautiful and fragile. SWIM now embraces his life, and cherishes it, and while he realizes he still carries a lot of self-loathing and blame he no longer tries to smother these feelings with drugs, rather when he does take a drug he seeks to enjoy it, avoiding most of the destructive addictive drugs he has seen ruin so many lives. He is lucky that he seems to have an oddly 'non-addictive' personality, having tried drugs commonly known to be addictive for periods of time long enough to typically cause addiction then deciding to stop and having no trouble doing so, SWIM had a friend who used speed and who couldnt stop, but SWIM just stopped on a dime when he saw his friend falling apart and not wanting to go that way himself. His friend asked how he did it, and he still doesnt know, he just doesnt carry that "I NEED" gene-type, possibly. Or is just very lucky sometimes, other times not.

Gil

[Nicaine]

Originally Posted by gileas

He is lucky that he seems to have an oddly 'non-addictive' personality, having tried drugs commonly known to be addictive for periods of time long enough to typically cause addiction then deciding to stop and having no trouble doing so, SWIM had a friend who used speed and who couldnt stop, but SWIM just stopped on a dime when he saw his friend falling apart and not wanting to go that way himself. His friend asked how he did it, and he still doesnt know, he just doesnt carry that "I NEED" gene-type, possibly. Or is just very lucky sometimes, other times not.

Ditto SWIM, he's pretty much capable of 'stopping on a dime' if he really wants to (trouble is, he doesn't want to all that often ). But he's never had problems with e.g. serious withdrawal symptoms from *anything* really... opiates are probably the most psychologically unpleasant but still not really a big deal.

As far as stimulants, SWIM can basically stop immediately/anytime and may experience a few days depression but very rarely jonesing and such. If/when he craves stuff it's during periods of extended use... when he runs out, he rarely even thinks about the stim in question (if so, he can easily put it out of his mind and immediately move on). SWIM considers his use to be fully voluntary, even when he goes on 'runs' and overindulges. He didn't always feel this way, but realized at some point that no drug has the slightest power to cause a person to take it, or take too much of it. He also realized that there's a major 'psychological' component to cravings, sort of a mental blind spot of sorts... without that component, cravings either don't arise at all or are laughably easy to dismiss.