Life and opiates.

[Wflash]

I’m new here, so I thought I’d just post something to see if folks here are in the same boat. Apologies if it begins to run to the length of a novel. Don’t feel you have to read it all.

SWIM’s been using opiates for a long time now, but has had a proper habit for about 7 years. For the bulk of that time it was heroin he was using, but it’s been a variety of things in recent years.

However most days he feels like he wouldn’t have things any other way.
With opiates, SWIM is often SWIMplus. Without, life just often just doesn’t seem to be good enough to accept.

There was a point in SWIM’s life, when he’d been dabbling with heroin, but had supposedly packed it in on the request of his girlfriend/partner.

He was then living with his partner and her child (not his). They had a nice rented house, ate good food, occasionally went to the pub or to see bands at weekends, but generally stayed in watching TV with the kid at weekends. Both had interesting jobs and sometimes went on holiday.

Pretty much they lived the life that most aspire to and SWIM’s partner for one was happy to spend the rest of her life living - with SWIM.

But even typing this, SWIM can feel the heavy wait sinking into his soul again. He couldn’t live that life. He needed some adventure. Some LIFE.
So SWIM sought it out.

Things like getting to his lunch break at work, making a phone call and jumping in the car. Driving through the city as fast as he could, taking short cuts and skipping lights to get to the spot he’d arranged to meet his man – only to find him not there. SWIM was late. Another phone call. Off again at high speed. SWIM sees his man jumping up a close, pull up and jumps in after him. They meet briefly on the stairwell. SWIM jumps back in the car, finds a good place to pull up. Jumps in back and gets squared up. Races back to work just in time at the end of lunch break and goes back to work feeling high now. And ALIVE!

He really needed this. He works harder and better, is more sociable, and feels like he can take on anything he needs to take on. He doesn’t take high doses of opiates and doesn’t much mix them with downers. He isn’t a nodding waster, but someone trying to turn life in a rainy Scottish city into an adventure in which he feels good.

Basically he needs something to look forward to. Opiates often provide it.

Of course he lost the girlfriend and that life. She was really hurt and he felt terrible as she deserved so much better. But the life she wanted would have slowly killed SWIM.

Maybe SWIM should have become an explorer. Or a Medicins Sans Frontieres doctor. Or Batman.

But he didn’t. So opiates will have to be his adventures. Methadone stability means he doesn’t need the adventure of scoring every day and a good job which he’s good at provides the necessary cash when he does. And two or three times a week when he does try to score there’s the fear of failing combined with rewards if he succeeds. The exact ingredients of an adventure.

It’s worked OK for the last few years. Some days he thinks, "F*ck*ng hell. What am I doing? I can’t keep this up for ever and it would be good to be free of this." But most days he has fun messing with his brain receptors and trying to make the best of what life’s offered. He can still involve himself in a lot of normal life things, but he also has his adventures.

How about SWIYs?

Reputation Comments on this post:

	Congrats on finding an H habit that works for SWIY!
	So true, very well written.

[rocco_blitz]

As all of of people on this toppic with swims friends pretty much what youre saying and most that dabble in opiates agree with ya.Swim really hates this but he has tried to give it up but struggles,and when out lets not go there.SUCKD SUCKS when out.

[Beltane]

From everything that SWIM knows and has read about H, he would have said the original post was written by a person in their first year or so of IV heroin use. The poster mentions 7 years though and so SWIM must think of this person as an anomaly.

The pattern of use and the apparant enjoyment/satisfaction leads SWIM to believe that the original poster has found what works for that person.

It's doubtful that this would work for most people from everything SWIM knows and newbies should be warned that most people 7 years into a serious habit seem nowhere near this happy or well-adjusted.

- Beltane

Reputation Comments on this post:

Good post. Totally agree, good advice to newbies.

[cz-one]

The trouble with H. is,that it starts off being one minor part of ones life,then before you know it has become the only thing left in ones life,and been responsible for everything that gets lost,probably for the majority of addicts as well.Unlike other drugs that can be taken or left at will,if you polled 100 addicts and asked are you happy with the life you have since using heroin? i'd imaine there'd be a majority saying'i curse the day i ever got involved'.

[MrJim]

Alot probably would regret it. But SWIM has seen this mentality more and more recently. Opioids are produced in the brain. It seems like alot of people might not be producing them correctly and for these people Opiates really do help live a life with happiness. SWIM used to be a rampant Junkie.
He was clean for 8 or nine years. And he had happiness without opiates, but also alot of sadness and anxiety. These past two years swim has done H maybe 2-3 times, but has been using opium and codiene a couple of times a week - he is very careful since he knows the pain this can bring him if he is not careful, and doesn't wait adequate time between doses. But the overall effects of this careful tightrope walk has been an overall evelation in mood. No more panic attacks. The ability to converse with starngers effectively and a renewed passion for his work.
Does swim endorse opiate use? No. But for him, how he has his staggered dosages and careful planning this past 2 years he has felt more alive than in along time. He has confidence for his projects.
Anyways that's SWIMS 2 cents.

Reputation Comments on this post:

sums up my thoughts precisely. always quality posts here.

[brown_chunx]

SWIM used heroin for the first time thinking "wow, i'm actually doing heroin" and loving it. After about two or three months of abuse (every day, pretty much) he realised he had made a HUGE mistake ever trying the shit. Three years later, when SWIMs dope sick, he feels he can't do anything, but when he's high, he doesn't want to do anything (unless it's just the right amount to make him feel like doing something).

So it's been very hard getting a job and living out most of the things any normal person does. The fact that his life is so miserable because of this drug makes him hate himself for becoming a slave to it. Yet still, it's the one thing in this world that he loves. The one (and only) thing that gets him excited. But still, he realizes that his life is shit and that nothing else will ever make him truly happy.

He did stay off it once, for about four days (no money, unable to get dope) and was over the withdrawels, but still, there's the whole mental thing, and SWIMs life seemed pointless and bland for those four days. So he went out and scored, and got right back into the viscous circle.

[Dr.Jones]

Originally Posted by brown_chunx

when SWIMs dope sick, he feels he can't do anything, but when he's high, he doesn't want to do anything (unless it's just the right amount to make him feel like doing something).

I completely understand and sympathize with your plight

[Spare Chaynge]

swim was a utter and helpless drug addict from the age of 16 swim first used oxycodone no hydrocodone stepping up the stairs slowly stuff. swim screwd his mind up badly by using at such an early stage swim was using hydromorphone fentanyl heroin and meperidine. swim was often unhappy with even 12-10mg hydrocodone yuck to this day swim thinks. swim used to get over feelings of depression when an evil girl slept with his best friend. this is what started swims eat as many as one can even if one dies policy. swim led this life moving to new orleans at age 19 much better heroin as swims fentanyl connection(lollipop 1600mcg actiq) had left houston. Swim then got onto a 120 dollar a day habit of h. swim got pulled over and had to eat 10-80mg oc i stress that number once again 10 - 80mg oxycontin. A large amount my friends at the time told me to throw up i told them to fuck off and left to go to the zoo. thankfully my friend followed me and took me to a house where i survived. the point of that story is even today after 3 weeks of methadone treatment and a year of being sober i still wake up thinking something is missing. Opiates change the way your mind works for ever. the way swim got over it was using psychodelics and mdma.

[stoneinfocus]

I thimnl it´s the same use/abuse and finally adaption or for addicts, non-adaption that´s taking place within every drug-use.

When you first drink alcohol and like it, you drink a little to relax, some more to get excited and a lot for getting drunk.... some will be addicted and some will mange to consume alcohol as they like for the rest of their lives.

I think it´s the same with heroin, just with all the afflictions of availability and sometimes exaggerated consequences of the drug-administration and abuse. -I think most of the people could learn to use opiates to emphasie and enrich their lives or just try and leave it, it´s only, that hte most negative individuals get all the attention and this is then related to the drug itself, which is wrong, imho.

Swim always decides if and when to use and as he´s in chronic pain, heroin is the only thing that alleviates his back-pain, for a while and also, it´s helping with panic attacks or anxiety in a social enviroment as Wflash described it and a dose where a stae of activity is achieved can easily be titrated to swim´s or swiy´s body.

[Dr.Jones]

Opiates auctually helped me get through a period of my life when I had real bad anxiety. It taught me how to draw on the feeling of feeling good. If that makes any sense. The anxiety I have gotten through with it has yet to return. Although, while withdrawling anxiety is EXTREMLY high and keeps me at home.

[Spare Chaynge]

swim thinks everyone can agree with drugs in moderation are great. Thankfully 90%of the people live great life's even with drugs. My life was great in all aspects even with opiates. In fact it was probably better. But one can not attach themselves to something to tightly because its temporary.

[Sigmundblake]

wow, thats a story SWIM can really relate too. SWIMs girlfriend left SWIM and then he realised that no drug he did ever gave the same effect as love.

SWIM started doing H to try and get over the depression, not only the effect of the drug but the hoops he had to jump through to get it were exciting and he lived a life different to all his friends which he felt good about. still SWIM wishes he was with his old girl and not with his H. love is more important than drugs.

[delphinen]

SWIM loves opiates. Life on opiates has no limits, has no sadness, has no anxiety. SWIM became talkative, happy, with willpower to get up in the morning and make a wonderful day.
The problem is the tolerance. It goes too fast, and suddenly, your spending the double of your cash for more drugs. Then you want to stop for this reason, and suffer incredible withdrawals. After a month clean, you can start again...

thats life and opiates

[Orchid_Suspiria]

Do opiates make swims life better or do they simply make him forget all the things wrong with it?Yes and no..If swim could have a steady and regular supply of them for the rest of his life they would certainly make it better but he doesn't.

[MrJim]

I've been reading up recently on alot of the 19th century Authors who were addicted to Laudanum. What I am finding peculiar is that thier addicitions were not illegal and there was always a plentiful supply of Laudanum at very affordable prices and lots of these people still suffered the same guilt, regret and depression found in out heavily regulated world of opiates. It isn't just supply....There is something else going on.

[Orchid_Suspiria]

Swim really isn't sure what we be going on in that case because he has never had a steady,legal,and easily accessible supply.Swim can't imagine ever feeling bad if he could have some sort of powerful opiate anytime he needed it with no hassle.

[ojos_de_brujo]

A steady, legal, and easily accessible supply is a total myth. Forget about it. Never happened, never will.

Tolerance alone will make that impossible.
Rich rock stars have it made? No, they don't, access to opiates is just easier for them. They have to deal with every other aspect of opiates, just like the rest of us. Opiates don't discriminate.

Why? Why? Why?
Society forces you to live in eternal guilt if you intend to live on opiates.
People internalise that guilt. (something about religion, eternal sin, bla bla)

Authors? It's way easier to write ' In search of lost time' if you're tea is spiked with Laudanum, then it is to actually read the turf.
(is that considered gossip or common knowledge?)

[0utrider]

i think theres two sides about it. the one side are people whose brain chemistry just doesn't work like it should. or maybe they started too early, so they never even knew if it could have worked normally. these people suffer from depression. but since depression is a big taboo in many societies, and they dont even want to realize that they suffer from it, they start unconscious self-medication. that's why opioid addiction is not a sin, its a disease!
the flipside is, that people who abuse(!) opiates/opioids change their brain chemisty. as someone already said above: it changes your brain chemistry in a irreversible way. you pretty much turned yourself into a depressed person. your brain might be close to normal, if you stop using it. after a long time, it will eventually recover. but just a few molecules in your body and everything starts over. even worse, cuz it gets worse and worse every time. you start over at the bottom/top of your drug-addict career. its not just the substance, studies showed that even the desire, even the tought of feeling the warm & nice painkillers might turn you into the depressed junky again.
and i think, thats what the people (maybe unconscious) knew/know. no "lifetime supply" changes a think about it: your brain chem is f-ed up and theres nothing you can do about it. so is the chemistry of SWIM. it doenst really matter, if you wanna stay high and if you have a lifetime supply or not, either way theres nothing you can do about it. and thats what creates depressions, even if your high, even if you feel great, theres still the lil voice in the back of your head, that tells you that theres no way back, nothings ever gonna be like it used to be.
so in conclusion: opiates are a temporary high, which do not only cause one, but two major depressions that you'll never be able to run away from

thats my opinion (and partly the result of studies)

[0utrider]

if one would be able to change societies and the taboos, he would prolly neither feel as if he "sinned" nor that depression are bad. one would even be able to live an even better life with opiates.
but since that is just a dream, because governments want people who work and who pay taxes, not junks who will eventually turn into high slobs who don't do anything besides drugs, theres no way its gonna change.
so i think this discussion should not go the point of "how it could be", but rather "how it is", and its just not like some of us (incl SWIM) would want it to be

[ojos_de_brujo]

Changing society only works one person at a time. Dreaming can help accomplish the change you would want. But dreaming alone, won't accomplish anything.

There are many things to be said against SWIM's opinion. Hell, Swim changes her opinion nearly every day. The same goes for her opinion on opiates.

Some facts: Swim started using strong opiates when she was 14. Some people say it's an advantage to start early.
Some people say it rewires your brain forever and you'll never be able to recover.
Swim's opinion on this changes almost daily. Some days it's surprisingly easy not to think about opiates. Most days it's exactly the other way around.

Swim doesn't know what the solution is. She does do codeine, enough to get physically ill when out of it, but is she ready to accept that it's going to be like this forever? Seemingly lacking something essential?
Truth is, one day she does accept, one day she doesn't.

[Orchid_Suspiria]

Swim really doesn't think his brain chemistry is right but then again even if it was at one time it's been rather changed by longterm opiate addiction.If opiates are all that make a persons life worth living and are the only thing that gives that person a sense of peace or wholeness then it is a medical condition and that person should have it.Face it hundreds of years and all sorts of technological breakthroughs yet the centuries old opiate is still the most effective painkiller for both mental and physical ailments.SSRI's which are handed out like candy are filled with side effects far nastier than anything opiates can do.An opiate addict is a sick person and should be allowed his or her medicine.It is not hurting society,opiate addicts are more of a danger to society if they can not have what they need.

[MrJim]

This is thure, Orchid. That's why places who have tried the legal heroin experiments (Letting addicts have access to clean H and all the fittings) have found decreased crime rates and an increase in employment by the addicts. It turns out that when they have enough H and money they don't have to run away from their jobs to find more. Imagine that.

[Orchid_Suspiria]

Swim wishes he lived in a place like that,unfortunately he lives in a very conservative state,surrounded by ignorant people that actually think that when an addict is miserable and in the state of withdrawal that it must be they are like that because they are on drugs and when they feel happy and normal from opiates they must be clean.

[ojos_de_brujo]

Swim's country has one 'heroin distribution' program. It's a well-organised and scientifically correct experiment.
But the requirements to be part of it are very, very steep.
There's a lot of controversy about it, though ISHO it's a nearly perfect experiment and it would be very useful if the results were positive, so it could be duplicated in other cities.

Unfortunately, the politicians responsible for this project, the ones that recently declared to strive for a literally translated War On Drugs, do not want to openly support this project.

OS, why doesn't SWIY move to a more tolerant place?

[Orchid_Suspiria]

Swim would be so happy if he could be one of the test subjects in a project of this nature!How steep are the requirements Ojos?