Experiences - Worst Experience .. That Wont Go Away

[JohnSmith]

Warning this is long, I decided to get it off my chest to see if it will help.
(There is a massive amount of things I left out of this trip, just because it was long enough as it is, but i do remember everything that happend to me.)

It was about 2 years ago at Merritt Mountain Music Festival (the one with Tim Mcgraw). Me and a couple buddies were drinking all day, i had hit the beer bong (it was our first Mountain Fest and we wanted to giver). We stayed out late and some dude said he would give us free weed. I had only tried weed once before, and didnt get high so i wanted to see what the hype was about. We smoked a joint together and nothing, I just felt kind of drunk. Then he asks if we want to try shrooms. I had never tried anything like that but I was already drunk and thought lets giver. My buddy told him that we want to try something crazy and to give us a big hit. He gave us 4 grams each and we ate them. 20 minutes later or so my friends were feeling it and i didnt feel shit, so I asked him for more, and he said since im bigger i might need more and he gave me another 4 grams. I still didnt feel shit after another 20 minutes. So my buddies brought out more weed, we each smoked a doobie, I wasnt feeling high yet but i was kinda laughing and couldnt stop. Then my buddies bring out the bong, and Id never hit one before but i was like well nothing else is working I should giver. I took a massive hit (probrably because i was so pumped) I held it in for about 10 seconds and coughed it out.

I started to get annoyed because I was like laughing and couldnt stop, even though I wanted to. We went into the trailer and it was nuts, they had a crazy system in there and pumping some rap music. I sat down and the walls were all different colours, as if we were flying down in a runaway elevator. Then I wasnt laughing any more, I was more like watching myself laugh, and it kept looping over and over again. Everything started to zoom wayyy out and was in black and white, my buddies all had gigantic heads, and when they talked it was if i felt the meaning behind their words but they didnt register. Then my buddy starts laughing at me, and I cant figure out why, everything goes back to normal and I realize im laying on the ground and theres grass in my mouth. Im like what the hell dudes, that was fucked up, I cant believe how bad of a trip that was (thinking it was over). We started walking back to the truck and it feels like im suddenly walking on a treadmill that keeps leaning backwards more and more. All I remember was seeing red, but my buddy says i was walking normally one minute, and the next i fell over straight like a board and landed directley on my chin on the ground. Then I got up like nothing happend (I still dont remember falling) and kept walking with them, and they kept asking if I was alright. Weird thoughts kept flowing through my head. Everything kept looping, and I couldnt stop it, the problem was I wasnt even thinking anything, i was just experiencing things, and I like lost myself. Suddenly my head really started to hurt, I felt my chin, looked at my hand and it was covered in blood. Then I told my buddies i needed to go to the hospital, and then things started to loop uncontrollably. Next thing i know i come out of the loop and im in a field, and I hear all the sounds of all the people's voices and music, and it hits me as one massive sound, and then i realize some woman is screaming in my ear and i look over, and she looks like a demon, but at least by now I realize that its the drug, but my grip on reality is slipping. She tells me that an ambulence is comming, and I cant hear much else, then I turn and bump into a security guard, and he looks exactly like Stone Cold Steve Austin to me, but I dont trust him for some reason. I keep thinking that they are going to kill me and leave me in the field. I fight the paranoia though and try to stop myself from going insane. I kind of blank out and all of a sudden im in the ambulence, and some woman is strapping me down. Every second feels like an hour, and then a feeling hits me like a stabbing feeling right through my soul. An uncontrollable fear is building, and I realize it, and i know i cant stop it, so i tell the ambulence woman to either pump my stomach or strap me down. All of a sudden everything is dark, and its as if im in a theatre. I look at the stage and its kind of like a home movie, and there is someone hosting. I cant make out the pictures on the screen or the words, or even the host, but somehow i get the gyst of the story. Things start to slowly become clearer, and I recognize more and more things. It feels like ive always been watching this movie, and time still feels so slow but as if its still looping. I feel like im squinting more and more to see the picture, and listening to hear the narator. Then the narrator's voice is clear as day, and there is a spotlight on him, but his face is blurred. He starts saying, and this is how the story ends, a tragic end, a waste.. and I see the face, its my face. And my face stares in my eyes, and says, so many loved ones left behind... The screen becomes clear and its a home movie of me and my mom when I was really little. And the narrator starts talking again, this is how the story started.. and he goes on to describe my life, raised by a single mother.. etc. Then I force out myself to yell STOP. Everything stops. The narrator (myself) looks at me and said what is it. And I just yell STOP again. Then the narrator says, you know you do this every time, and I feel really confused. He says, dont you realize that you aren't really alive, and never have been. You are just the sum of a bunch of images, sounds and feelings,and you created your life in your own head, and life doesnt exist. Then he tells me that I always complain at this part, because the mother image is so strong, and that what i thought was my life was just an everlasting loop, and eventually i would forget I was in a loop and experience my life "normally". Everything made so much sense, I felt hopeless in a bottomless pit of never ending loops. All types of normal sensations like swallowing or breathing took on a new loop, and I could see a never ending waving line for my breath. What seemed like eternity i felt as if I was falling, with thousands of hands trying to break my fall, but I was too heavy or moving too fast, and I would just fall down feeling all the hands brush by me. All I could hear was a laugh track sound, like a broken record, playing over and over. My heart just kept sinking lower and lower. I was reaching for the hands and they kept slipping, then suddenly one hand grabbed my wrist, and I stopped dead, like a shock. I grabbed back and it felt like I was hanging off a cliff. I looked up, and I saw my mom's face, and some kind of god seemed to be smiling in the background, but I couldnt see the face. I woke up the next day and felt really weird. I wasnt hearing or seeing anything strange, but I felt really weird.

I tried to smoke weed twice after (lightly) I had massive trips, threw up, and "greened out" (i dont even touch it any more). When I drink I feel things starting to slip but I usually can control it from going crazy. Even now almost 2 years later I have trouble hanging on to reality. I feel depressed alot, and some times i even feel my heart sinking, and I fall into a loop, and then i suddenly jump out of it. It just wont go away, I used to never think about death, now its as if it's on my every second thought, and I have to fight not to think about it. It's as if sad feelings I didnt feel before or used to be able to ignore are right on the surface.

Im pretty sure you are all going to think I'm either an idiot or exaggerating everything, but im not. I dont want to go to a doctor because my mom knows him, and it would be weird, because she would know if i went there. Im also pretty sure that noone will be able to help me with this, but i figured writing this might help, or at least some kid might read it, and take precautions before doing anything as stupid as I did. If I knew what would happen I would never have done it, my soul/mind/brain whatever you want to call it is irreversibley damaged. I'd give everything I own to go back.
(Im not saying noone should do drugs, but for me it was wrong. Im just saying drugs arent for everyone)

Reputation Comments on this post:

dangerous story ... hope everybody takes it as exactly what not to do. also self-incriminating.

[CrookedEye]

Eating 8 grams of shrooms for your first trip and smoking pot for one's first time, after being super drunk, is probably what caused the traumatic experience.. One needs to let go of the anxiety and misunderstanding they felt, and just understand that some things need to be respected..

Maybe instead of saying "giver", whatever the hell that means, SWIY should have done a little research to understand what the heck one was supposed to expect from each size dose one took..

Unless SWIY was mental beforehand, they probably are fine and worrying too much about a single experience.. SWIM supposes it could be a mild case of post traumatic stress disorder, but he ventures to think that SWIY probably shouldn't do drugs, for the simple fact they didn't care enough about themselves to at least find out a little bit about what they were doing..

Digesting mushrooms can take even over an hour to trip, so doubling a dose before one feels it, is kind of dumb, in SWIM's opinion.. Drugs are not a joke, but they can be very fun and enlightening if used properly..

One can eat too many potatos and die, or drink too much water and die, but in the case of heavy psychedelics, one can just become traumatized by abuse.. Hate to say it, but SWIM thinks some people may be a little too young or uneducated to make responsible decisions with drugs, and that they probably get what they deserve..

Anyways, SWIM hopes that SWIY learns to at least OBEY the rules of the forum before posting self incriminating posts.. SWIM apologizes for being short tempered, but it's things like this that ruin it for everyone else...

BTW,

Everything stops. The narrator (myself) looks at me and said what is it. And I just yell STOP again. Then the narrator says, you know you do this every time, and I feel really confused. He says, dont you realize that you aren't really alive, and never have been. You are just the sum of a bunch of images, sounds and feelings,and you created your life in your own head, and life doesnt exist. Then he tells me that I always complain at this part, because the mother image is so strong, and that what i thought was my life was just an everlasting loop, and eventually i would forget I was in a loop and experience my life "normally". Everything made so much sense, I felt hopeless in a bottomless pit of never ending loops. All types of normal sensations like swallowing or breathing took on a new loop, and I could see a never ending waving line for my breath. What seemed like eternity i felt as if I was falling, with thousands of hands trying to break my fall, but I was too heavy or moving too fast, and I would just fall down feeling all the hands brush by me. All I could hear was a laugh track sound, like a broken record, playing over and over. My heart just kept sinking lower and lower. I was reaching for the hands and they kept slipping, then suddenly one hand grabbed my wrist, and I stopped dead, like a shock. I grabbed back and it felt like I was hanging off a cliff. I looked up, and I saw my mom's face, and some kind of god seemed to be smiling in the background, but I couldnt see the face. I woke up the next day and felt really weird. I wasnt hearing or seeing anything strange, but I felt really weird.

This sounds like the best awakening one could have, if they weren't so afraid to listen and too wasted to give a damn... Maybe one could stop the loop by realizing that THIS life is REAL, and start respecting themselves and doing good for others, so they could end the terrrible loops that SWIY describes.. Mushrooms are teachers, so learn and stop whining about SWIY's own abuse of them... This is only SWIM's opinion, and only his view on this, so he apologizes, in advance for anyone this may ofend..

Reputation Comments on this post:

good explination and brow-beating... too bad that person will probably never listen to a rational explination like this.

[Psychonautic_Freud]

SWIM agrees with the post above. Enthoegens are something used by SMIW and people like SWIM. What SWIM means by this is that mushrooms are not supposed to be used for recreational purposes, or simply to just 'giver.' Did you see the boys from FUBAR doing shrooms? I think not. A mushroom trip is something to be enjoyed every so often when SWIM or his counterparts feel the need for enlightenment, be it spiritual, personal or both. They are a great tool when used properly and one has much to benifit by using them as such. The pain in the chest, or feeling of a sinking heart can most likely be attributed to anxiety. SWIM is not a psychiatrist (although SWIM visits one every so often ) but SWIM fimly believes that anxiety is not a disorder; rather something that is socially constucted, or a feeling one creates within thier own mind and is easily overcome. Actually, SWIM's last trip was used to overcome anxiety and worked marvelously. The moral of the story is that SWIY does not need to see a doctor, they simply need to learn from this experience and to stay away from Entheogens, until properly educated and aware of the effects during an Entheogen induced trip. A doctor will not be able to help SWIY's issues, perhaps a phychiatrist, but this is costly and likely unessessary. SWIM has a friend who did 7-8g's of mushrooms one night and lost their mind (but recovered it by dawn). SWIM has heard of those who do as much a 7g's at one time however he believes this is not nessessary and that anything over and above 5g's is pushing it, when 3-5 will suffice. No matter what SWIY's body weight is, 8g's for a first time user is ridiculous. The experience which SWIY had was likely a result of "Ego Death." Also, if SWIY or anyone else for that matter cares about their health at all, do not use or abuse any other substance than nicotine when under the inflluence of alcohol. Not saying that alchol and nicotine don't comprimise health, but when under the influence of alcohol, using and substance (weed included) is simply putting an undue strain on your heart. All in all, SWIM hope SWIY has learned from this experience and has gained a very warrented respect for the devine power of ethnogens.

[Nagognog2]

In one way, I have to say I am glad this experience turned out poorly. The mushrooms did a good job of teaching SWIM a valuble lesson about respect. Had SWIM just have a glorious time could spell disaster down the road. Other than that - you win one of these:

Before proceeding to post in these forums, you MUST first familiarize yourself with the rules here. Pay close attention to the rules regarding self-incrimination and learn to use SWIM (Someone Who Isn't Me) or equivalent. Proceeding without abiding by our rules can and will get you banned.

The rules can be found here:

http://www.drugs-forum.com/forum/ann...t.php?f=43&a=1

Reputation Comments on this post:

honesty is good. hope it dead teach the little boy some respect.

[morningGlory]

Originally Posted by JohnSmith

I have trouble hanging on to reality. I feel depressed alot, and some times i even feel my heart sinking, and I fall into a loop, and then i suddenly jump out of it. It just wont go away, I used to never think about death, now its as if it's on my every second thought, and I have to fight not to think about it. It's as if sad feelings I didnt feel before or used to be able to ignore are right on the surface.

in swims opinion all swiy did was compact 2 years of mild drug use into one night. for some people swim thinks smoking weed(for a long time) clears a lot of unecessary thoughts from swiy's mind. if thc kills brain cells, and swiy only use 17% of your brain, then perhaps this allows you to start using different/more of it? as if you now see the world from a much larger scale that most people dont see. people which you were friends with now think in totally different directions, basically you realize what life is all about and its kind of shitty, not the hardest thought to get out of your head. especially knowing not many others think the way you do. having a shitty job doesnt help either. you might even start to question what motivates you to get up in the morning..
so i guess what im rambling on about is you packed 2 years worth of changes to your mind, in one night.

[zera]

Originally Posted by morningGlory

if thc kills brain cells, and swiy only use 17% of your brain, then perhaps this allows you to start using different/more of it?

The idea that people only use 10-20% of their brain is a compelete urban legend with not a single shred of evidence to back it up. People do indeed use 100% of their brain, which is why you need to keep all your brain cells. But THC doesn't kill brain cells, so don't worry about it.

[Bajeda]

Originally Posted by zera

The idea that people only use 10-20% of their brain is a compelete urban legend with not a single shred of evidence to back it up. People do indeed use 100% of their brain, which is why you need to keep all your brain cells. But THC doesn't kill brain cells, so don't worry about it.

Its more of a misconception than an urban legend. You do use all of your brain for the most part, you just don't use it all at once. So at one time you may only be using a small percentage of your brain power, but over the course of time you use all the different parts.

[Luaferilya]

SWIM had such an experience some month ago, and SWIM thinks she feels almost the same...
She took LSD the first time, and it was too much, but the trip was nice and after some hours she thought it was over - maybe it was over, and up to then nothing bad happened, but then SWIM smoked some weed to come down and sleep - and she thought she was falling asleep but then - kawoom... SWIM felt as if she was melting and then she was nothing but this awful feeling, nothing but a thought she couldn'd describe, nothing but this loop. There was alway the question what the reason is - the reason for everything, and she couldn't find it, and then, every some minutes, maybe, SWIM thought she had found out: there is no reason, she doesn't exist, nothing exists, the world and everything is just this loop, this thought, this feeling.
SWIMs thoughts became more clear sometimes, and then she saw something that reminded her of reality, the TV-set, the door, especially her feet. SWIM saw her feet and thought of what this might be, and then she new that this were feet, and that they belonged to her body. For some time it was helping SWIM to know that she was a human being, but then she again didn't know the reason for being a human being, and then she melted away again, and there was nothing but this loop/thought/feeling..
SWIM isn't afraid of death, but whatever it was, it was awful, and it seemed to never end. SWIM always thought: "This is the most terrible experience I ever had and I won't ever do this again". SWIm thought she just had to know this and then it would be over, but then she realized it wasn't...

SWIY knows that one can write books about this experience (and people did, of course).

SWIM thinks, what SWIY described was something like the "dread of ego dissolution" (measures thought disorder, ego-disintegration, loss of autonomy and self-control variously associated with arousal, anxiety, and paranoid feelings of being endangered), the second dimension of "altered states of consciousness" (ASC). Anyway, this was my experience.
There are many reports on ASC in the internet, mostly relating to LSD but it's (nearly) the same with other drugs. (By the way, SWIM can imagine that her experience was caused by THC and not by LSD.)

SWIM felt a little better with her experience when she new more about it. Just look for "dread of ego dissolution" or "altered states of consciosness".


P.S.:
The thing about using more of the brain - maybe that's nonsense, but it indeed felt like that, as if there were just too many thoughts in SWIMs head that anything would have stopped usually...

[Nagognog2]

What this SWIM has posted is, in essence, this:

He made an appointment to see the most intelligent all-seeing entity in the Universe. And he showed up drunk and stoned with the headphones from his Ipod in his ears. And he got the shit kicked out of him.

[morningGlory]

Originally Posted by Nagognog2

What this SWIM has posted is, in essence, this:

He made an appointment to see the most intelligent all-seeing entity in the Universe. And he showed up drunk and stoned(for the first time) with the headphones from his Ipod in his ears. And he got the shit kicked out of him.

is all id like to add

but very well said

[Lehendakari]

As said above YOU DID TOO MUCH and let it be a lesson to you.... But I understand SWIY probably knows that already. We all have regreted sometime "doing too much."

Apparently SWIY has paid a very high price for his mistake, shrooms and marijuana are powerful drugs and can mess one very badly specially when taken for the first time, in high amounts and at a young age.

SWIY seems to meet many of the conditions above and SWIY probably had a previus mental condition. SWIL is not a doctor but it seems a case of Derealization disorder induced by drugs.

SWIL suggests SWIY to think of going to a doctor to get checked ASAP. And don't worry SWIY will recover sometime just be healthy and stay away from drugs. Human mind is powerful and forgives many of our mistakes. SWIY can do some research on the net, about derealization/depersonalization HPPD and others.

[augentier]

WOW. I have to agree with the others here, you definitely got a big lecture from someone upstairs (whether that be God, your higher self, or something else) that you need to always remember. I think you need to realize that ridiculous drug usage will do nothing but put your life in a "loop" of the same ol shit. over and over and over.

consider yourself lucky that you were enlightened like this so quickly.."you see? THIS much is TOO much."

[zolpidem]

Since none of these responses gave you a very good response, I will try to help.
SWIM had a very similar experience.
However, swim was on his 8th experience with this and things got very out of hand. The most hardcore visuals and a hardcore panic attack played out over about two hours of swims life. The months following swim still felt as if something wasn't right. Swim was very depressed and went on an anti-depressant and got perscribed to xanax (best things in swims opinion). Swim also finally convienced himself that he has to live his life. Changes come every day, this was just one of them. Nothing is really messed up in SWIMs life, swim just thought they were, and felt like they were. Two years later swim doesn't do any type of substances, but has tried weed and at least half the time it gives him panic attacks (feels like dieing or suffocating and extreme nervousness). Swim decided that its just best to stay in a sober state of mind for a good while. Things get better swim told me. =) tough it out.

[amrad]

J.S.
All that has been said by previous posters is true, compassionatless, but true. We used to have a word for "seeing your life as in an endless loup" cycling,the Blessed one the Buddha, called it samsara, you have been taught a lesson.
It was your mothers love that reached to hold you and save you, hold on to this, she was symbolic of the universal love that is our true nature, hold on to this too, you have had what is called a psycotic[s.p]break, you will recover

[Bajeda]

Originally Posted by amrad

All that has been said by previous posters is true, compassionatless, but true. We used to have a word for "seeing your life as in an endless loup" cycling,the Blessed one the Buddha, called it samsara, you have been taught a lesson.

Swim and friends have experienced the endless loop phenomena a number of times with shrooms.

Never once was the experience pleasureable.

Swim enjoys studying philosophy and such and respects the idea of samsara, but he has yet to seen someone have an "endless loop" experience that didn't stem from taking too much and that was actually beneficial. Maybe it has the potential to teach you a lesson, but it isn't one you probably want to learn. The bigger lesson here is to respect your body and mind and realize you are responsible for your own actions, however stupid the people who gave John Smith the shrooms were.






Also, I found the trip report itself a little confusing at second glance. Did swiJS actually get taken by an ambulance or was that a figment of his imagination?

[Frankster420]

In response to the post that started this thread....:::

SWIM is rather new here and is suprised by these long posts that show disrepsect towards psylocibin and swim finds it to be unbearable. This takes swim back to highschool, where fuckin retards would treat psylocibin like alcohol and weed and use it to "get fucked up." Magic Mushrooms-IMO-are the most special mind altering substance on the planet if used properly. It has helped swim become a better person and bond with his good friends. It has helped him patch up problems he may have previously had with people, and made him friends with people he may have not otherwise been friends with. Psylocibin is giving you what you deserve for disrespecting it!

Reputation Comments on this post:

True enough.

[morningGlory]

your an idiot if you dont research it before you go ahead and use it in the first place. its not just a walk in the park and there still is a lot more to the experience then somebody can try and describe; and everybody will react different and translate their experience in their own way

[Ice_Cream_Man]

SWIM can't believe the rudeness of some of the people here. To call J.S. an idiot? How was he to know the effect it had, he was at a festival, he was aiming to get fu.cked up! he simply thought that the effects were much like the effect of weed on him, NO effect. This guy is obviously stressing about this and in need of our help and all of you reply so coldly and detached, what the fu.cks the matter with you? Granted he was foolish for taking all that and he obviously has not read the rules but this guy is asking for help and you call him an idiot? After he explained how he's feeling right now your replies makes him feel twice as bad, he made a mistake and im sure he learnt his lesson so why the fu.ck are you reminding him? He simply wants to better understand the obviously traumatic experience he went through. I am in shock at the insensitivity of the people that have posted negatively here, there are nicer....subtle ways to go about this. If a guy barges into a doctors office saying help me, im afraid im going to kill himself does the doctor say 'you didn't knock'?

Im so dissappointed.

Reputation Comments on this post:

	A fine attitude to have - thank you for the reminder & welcome aboard!
	Too true.

[Nagognog2]

I could go into the psychology of the thread, but it's old and done. The best that can be done with it is to hope no one else reapeats such a stunt. Psychedelics are extremely powerful tools of change and must me respected. If someone has a terrible experience due to treating them like a can of beer - then this should be used to re-inforce the knowledge that these things are more powerful than you are.

So I'm glad the let this thread stand - as a warning to the next one out there who thinks they just "Make you see colors, dude." In fact, I am thinking of paraphrasing this thread in a book I have in the works.

[Nagognog2]

Regards the armchair-warriors, this thread is to stand as a strong warning to all who would capricously take a powerful psychedelic. And, I hope, it has served it's purpose.

CLOSED

[sci]

well Swim has just read this thread! .. Obviously this guy didn't have a clue what he was getting himself into and maybe very foolish, hes learned the hard way hopefully many people will learn from this not to take psychedlics lightly ..

Swim has had one mushroom trip about 6 yrs back and found it very enjoyable, Swim actually had sex in his head with some fit bird totally outa hia league LOL..
but the loop thing did mess with me a bit... SWIM has to say that he dosnt intend to do psychedlics soon as he dosnt feel the time would be right in his life right now ... however that trip was a postive life changing time

Just look at the numerous videos online of disrespectful people on Salvia just to get off there faces...

The highest repect has always got to be given to an psychedelics