Nicaine's Journal Thread (posts on SWIM's behalf)

[Nicaine]

This thread is intended as an ongoing journal for user "Nicaine" and messages relayed from his collective body of friends known as "SWIM" -- sort of like a blog. Nicaine will post here as the whim hits... some posts will be informative, some will just be random commentary. This thread is his "private" journal, which the entire world is free to read (if they want to) .

This really just being a thread on a message board, it's open to posts from others as well. However, please follow a simple rule. Here's how to do it, if you have something to say:

(1) Start a new message in this thread, titling it with your username + "input" (e.g. "Somebody1's Input").

(2) Use that message *only*, both now and in the future, to address points made in my journal posts. Edit it to include whatever you might have to say, quoting my past/present/future posts wherever you like.

If you're a newcomer who can't edit posts, sorry... you're out of luck. Please don't post to this thread until you gain editing privileges.

Note: SWIM specifically asked permission from forum admin, and got permission to start a journal thread like this one. Consider this his first entry, dated 14 October, 2006 (#01).

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Journal entry: 14-10-06 01 (deleted, guess it was too depressing. will stick to cheerier topics in the future, or at least more neutral ones)

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Reputation Comments on this post:

Very Infromed, Helpful

[stoneinfocus]

Nooo, swiy doesn´t want to die, he´s craving for more attention, which he thinks is lacking.
Stimulants are a not so good way to give in anyway.... if swiyhasn´t killed himself in this time he will have a hard time to knock swiy´s body out with stims.

try to think of better ways kiling yourself, think it through, try trying it at least in your mind, this brings swim to the point where he sees the meaning in life and get´s a ressurection, with TV-abstinence without craving for it, seeing the little things friends and humans give to swim and the most impossible scenarios seems to be working out.

try finding your meaning in life and vice versa.

Swim is much younger and in the same postion as swiy and felt exactly the same, which changed now, but in fact, it didn´t, it´s only getting worse .... to see how bad things were in his life and what the conseqences are and feeling good, from this point of view, is even too painful, also,..., enough written,..., swims got to kill himself....

[Nicaine]

Originally Posted by co-incidence

Nooo, swiy doesn´t want to die, he´s craving for more attention, which he thinks is lacking.

What?? You boil it all down to *that*? Mere attention-seeking?

Stimulants are a not so good way to give in anyway.... if swiyhasn´t killed himself in this time he will have a hard time to knock swiy´s body out with stims.

try to think of better ways kiling yourself, think it through, try trying it at least in your mind,

Maybe read again and see why there's a difference between a "conscious" and "subconscious." I do not want to kill myself! Believe me, it's nice to be alive (or seems nasty to be dead... same difference).

SWIM's life would be a lot better if (A) he had more money to afford drugs, (B) he had more access to drugs, and (C) his system could tolerate daily, heavy use of stimulants . Three to six-day runs like when he was a younger fellow would be awesome... seems he can barely manage 24 hours anymore.

this brings swim to the point where he sees the meaning in life and get´s a ressurection, with TV-abstinence without craving for it, seeing the little things friends and humans give to swim and the most impossible scenarios seems to be working out.

ROTFL... yeah, right. It's like a bad joke, thinking about getting the motivation to change anything. If it hasn't happened in 40+ years, what's gonna change now? Why should it? SWIY's case is probably different, as he notes below that he's much younger.

Swim is much younger and in the same postion as swiy and felt exactly the same, which changed now, but in fact, it didn´t, it´s only getting worse .... to see how bad things were in his life and what the conseqences are and feeling good, from this point of view, is even too painful, also,..., enough written,..., swims got to kill himself....

*sigh*... I wish I never posted anything. In fact I'm going back and deleting my first entry now, seems too much for people to deal with.

Note that I'm NOT depressed, but it sounds like you are... might be worth getting some help. There are fairly easy cures for the acute/immediate problem of depression, but no cures for chronic life situations stuck in 40-year ruts. Or maybe there is, and SWIM is just too damn comfortable where he is... he'll admit to that. He's ambivalent and very stuck.

[Nicaine]

One of my friends continues to beef up his very unusual drugs-related website... if it looks like topics SWIM is interested in, it's because this particular SWIM is the one who posts the most (through me & my account here) on these specific topics!

Page has been cleaned up further, some nice features added (favicon, bookmark button for MSIE, etc), recipe for "making" a nonprescription sleep aid added, site was finally submitted for initial search engine indexing yesterday. Next up: Splitting the front page into at least two HTML documents, and further information expansion.

My friend's site is here: http://bupropion.home.comcast.net

Enjoy .

Edit -- it's been a long, long night last night & day today for SWIM. He's about at baseline and will be doing his last 10mg Ambien tablet within one to 1.5 hours. Following a counseling appointment tomorrow, SWIM has another 9 days until he sees his med doctor. Kratom should be coming in tomorrow, or at the latest Thursday (not that it's a real big deal, SWIM is really pretty sick of kratom).

[mick mouse]

Nicaine, my friend! how go's it? Would have liked to have read your first post, it seemed to cause some controversy. Checked out your link, but didn't have time to review it fully. SWIM will be coming back to it as time permits. SWIM has discovered that freedom seems to be mostly a mental condition. comments?

[Nicaine]

Originally Posted by mick mouse

Nicaine, my friend! how go's it? Would have liked to have read your first post, it seemed to cause some controversy. Checked out your link, but didn't have time to review it fully. SWIM will be coming back to it as time permits. SWIM has discovered that freedom seems to be mostly a mental condition. comments?

SWIM mixed 5mg Ambien with 12.5mg Doxylamine Succinate (in 4ml water) and took it via rectal admin. Let's just say things are barely going at all right now. SWIM is waiting 'til that inner voice tells him to lie down in bed & close his eyes (won't be long now). If it doesn't happen he'll take a bit more Doxylamine.

Edit -- crap. 2.5 hours after falling asleep, SWIM woke right the f*ck up again. Time to get some food in his stomach and take his last 0.5mg, along with a bit more doxylamine succinate.

[Nicaine]

My friend's website (in my .sig) has been updated again... the front page was split into two pages, more info and handy "back to top" (of page) links were added.

Hope you all enjoy, he has big plans for this website. Borderline illicit/gray-area Internet sites are cool .

[bewilderment]

I really wish this site had a blog feature. Swim keeps a blog online in another community (non-drug related) and has sometimes pulled out entries to post on here to get people's opinions. She actually feels more connected to this community than the online community where her blog is. She also feels that people here give more constructive feedback on certain issues and she doesn't feel as weird about posting about drug-related things.

There's no one in the other community that seems to be as into drugs as swim is and thus whenever she poses a related question she gets no responses. It also makes her feel like some sort of weirdo, although, I suppose people would not be her "friend" there if they found everything boring. But, she often finds herself leaving out important events or interesting new info she finds that she would like to have saved in her own blog because she realizes how odd much of it must seem to those who don't know much about drugs and are not interested.

Then again, a blog on this site may cause some paranoia for swim. But, she also thinks it would be nice to gain more insight into who people really are around here and how they live their lives. I often find myself wondering such. Props on starting the thread here, it's a cool idea. I wish I could've seen the original post though.

Be well.

[Nicaine]

Thanks for the (indirect) idea, bewilderment. I suggested it to my friend, and he added a blog to his website (which I'm currently contributing most of the info to, btw):

http://bupropion.home.comcast.net

The blog site he chose (myblogvoice.com) claims no censorship, and appears to be anonymous (no Email validation required). Maybe it's one you'd like to use yourself?

[Nicaine]

Now that SWIM's friend has a blog up, SWIM is going to stop posting in this thread as a journal and let his friend do the talking. The website is here:

http://bupropion.home.comcast.net

The rest of the thread is officially dedicated to suggestions for the website. SWIM's friend reads this board (although doesn't post here) and will be paying attention. Cheers.

[bewilderment]

Originally Posted by Nicaine

Thanks for the (indirect) idea, bewilderment. I suggested it to my friend, and he added a blog to his website (which I'm currently contributing most of the info to, btw):

http://bupropion.home.comcast.net

The blog site he chose (myblogvoice.com) claims no censorship, and appears to be anonymous (no Email validation required). Maybe it's one you'd like to use yourself?

Nah, mine is on another more popular and older blogging site. I think that I started the blog around 2001 or so although I had already been keeping a journal on my computer for a few years before that before I had ever heard of such a thing as "blogging". I'd probably provide a link to it on my profile except it's not very anonymous at all and provides my location as well as other identifying information (and it's certainly not under the same sn I use here). But, I do keep almost all of my entries there locked and only viewable by certain parties whom I find trustworthy. And, I only report swim's more risky activities after the fact when other evidence has been disposed of. But, really there's all sorts of illegal activity written about there on other journals so I think it would be more work than it's worth to go through and find people to prosecute especially considering the incredibly large amount of journals that would have to be sifted through and I have no idea how "they" would get through locked journals. I mean, I'm sure it's possible, but it'd mostly be a great waste of time.

I consider it to be a great site. I have a few "offline friends" who have journals there including my partner. I've also gained some wonderful online friends there throughout the years. But, most of the people whom I established the greatest bonds with there have disappeared over the years. A few of these were guys who had a romantic interest in me before I "came out" and then they quit corresponding with me which is a shame because I do value my online friendships greatly as I am quite the hermit in real life due to social anxiety and not due to a dislike of people. I find humans to be fascinating creatures and it pains me not to have more contact than I do.

My spouse has commented on this before...that I am often quite extroverted online despite my incredible introvertedness offline. Before I settled down with her, I would usually have about 5 or 6 intense--simply meaning that emails would usually be 3 or more pages long sometimes emailing every day or several times a day--correspondences going during any particular time period (not in a romantic way, but just because I enjoy getting to know individuals and what makes them "tick"). I actually met my spouse online by sending her a message on a personals site. I corresponded with her for 5 months before finally meeting up with her and the relationship moved along extremely quickly from there.

Okay, I'm rambling about irrelevant things...I've looked over your site and you have some very interesting info there. Very nice work. I'll definately be keeping an eye on it in the future. Best wishes.

[Nicaine]

Originally Posted by bewilderment

Okay, I'm rambling about irrelevant things...I've looked over your site and you have some very interesting info there. Very nice work. I'll definately be keeping an eye on it in the future. Best wishes.

Thanks... it's pretty much all stuff SWIM contributed here, just organized better. SWIM's friend says he's enjoying maintaining the website, as substance-related sites are few/far between. Any suggestions for the site are welcome and appreciated.

P.S. I was just suggesting an anonymous blog site for drug-related entries... ya know, if you wanted to blog 'em but remain difficult to identify.