Xtc, Sexual Confusion & More

[SU&D]

SWIM told me this story, "The first time i took XTC was the best sensation I ever had in my entire life. I remember taking the pill and waiting 20 minutes and thinking "I should be buying vodka & red bull". I was in the middle of a rave when suddenly it happened. I was screaming of joy and dancing like if there was no tomorrow. I was with a friend of mine and we encounter a co worker of mine which i was falling for, even before the xtc. Holding her that night was a great feeling. That night changed me forever, i was a drunk and after that experience i really changed. I realised that i wanted to study and that I wanted to do many things with my life, which alcohol was preventing.

After that first time my personality started to change. I always loved Electronic Music, but since then i enjoy it in a way that people around me can´t understand. My relationship with many friends started to decay, i saw them as drunk people which didn´t understand many things... the thing is that I didn´t understand other things as important as the ones that i try to explain to them.

I begun partying a lot!!!!!! i´m very weak in regard of MDMA, my mates always tell me how they wish to be blown out like me, EVERY SINGLE TIME. I have a theory about that, anyways. Each time i consumed XTC was different but all in all they where all GREAT experiences. Until i did it alone. That was my first panic attack. I remember feeling really small, becoming small. It was so strange. I realised that some of my fears where affecting me.

I always liked women, in fact my first kiss was at the age of 11 and my first time was when i was a lad in his 13. But i could never really enjoy sex because of some reasons. I was always insecure about the size of mi dick and also i needed an operation which i did resently. All of this, and my alcoholism, prevented me of having good sexual encounters. I think that this made me very unhappy for a long, long time. The fact is that 4 years ago i decided to shut down myself from girls, unless i was really wasted. It was HELL. I felt like shit.

This year i started to work with my father and at the same time i was studying, i felt very stressed and went to many parties, took XTC and dance my problems away. Until one night i went with some people from school. I didn´t knew them so well. Suddenly when i was dancing a girl aproached me and i remember telling me "she will realise i have a small dick" and entering in panic. So some of this people start calling me gay. Suddenly my fears kind of shifted and i started thinking that maybe i was gay. Also, a co worker of mine was in that party and he also saw that and draw the same conclusion.

After that night, when i was at work and at university people bodered an laughed at me... i was also kind of having paranoia. I decided to start therapy and stop thinking about others. I knew that there was stuff going on with me that should be revised. Many of the physicall issues had to be attended in order to enjoy sex, but also i couldn´t deny my confusion. Am i gay? am I Bi? am I just a straight man with years of fear? What happened???

The human mind is so complex... i enjoyed X like nothing ever before. But X is not for everybody. MDMA is a great substance, it really is. But it must be respected. Im more conserned about the mental health of people using it than from the other consequenses. I´m still doing therapy, i´m being true to myself by doing things i never thought i would do.... but the confusion remains there.... like the good trips do.

I also wanted to say that im clean of every substance for 4 month and a half and if everything os going as planed i may think of droping on december. My conciousness (sp?) is aware of the issues im going through so i think that in a good set and setting i can have a GREAT time. Specially being weak as i am to MDMA and having this month pf break ".

That´s his story im pretty sure he would like to hear what you have to say!!!!!!!!!

Reputation Comments on this post:

	Self-incrimination.
	Good post, welcome to the forum.

[KomodoMK]

I can barely understand the majority of that, it is very confusing. If it wasn't for the "clean of every substance for 4 month and a half" I would have said SWIY wrote it while the was up. :P

I do agree that MDMA is a very special substance and SWIM made the same mistake of using far to often until it no longer has that magic effect and becomes more or less a slightly twisted speed buzz.

SWIY really should consider carefully about using it again in December and the implications it will have on your life. Good luck and most of all, have fun!

[Nature Boy]

READ THE FORUM RULES in regards to self-incrimination.

[dirk]

It seems like the much of your problem boils down to you concentrating on (and assigning too much importance to) what you think other people might think about you.

If you think this sounds plausible, try to identify the times when you find yourself thinking a particular thing that might make you worry about what other people think about you, then make a conscious effort to think about it in a different way.

You sound like a really good guy

Start enjoying the good bits about being yourself. Don't focus on what you might think what other people think about you.

It appears that you may have gotten into a habit of exagerating the impact of other peoples opinions of yourself, this feeds your fears and the whole thing can end up becoming a viscious circle.

These sort of thoughts are only that, bad habits. Once identified, it might take a little work and time, but you can change the way you think.

Lots of people have been where you are now

Reputation Comments on this post:

good info

[KomodoMK]

I agree with dirk on this.

I tend to not worry about other peoples opinions of me, because if they have a problem, it is exactly that, theirs and not my problem. There will always be people in life who will like you and those who will dislike/hate you. People have to accept you for who you are and nothing less, no-one should ever pretend to be someone they are not.

[dnb warrior]

Originally Posted by Nature Boy

READ THE FORUM RULES in regards to self-incrimination.

if you read the post properly SU&D hasn't incriminated himself.

SWIM thinks that MDMA can lower your sex drive, if taken a lot. it could make you lose focus; every time SWIM takes xtc he is blown away by pleasure, whether its his first time or his 50th, it is always so intense, and all it requires to get that pleasure is to take a few pills washed down with some water. by comparison getting a bit of sex seems more of an effort. When SWIM's life is a mess because he takes too many drugs, he tries to look to the long term but all he wants is to have a great time at the weekend. he could go out to socialise in the usual way (ie get pissed and try to pull girls) but it all seems so dull, when he can have the guaranteed night of his life (for the thousandth time) just by popping a few pills.

MDMA can fuck with your mind by making you lose your focus on everything else.

SWISU&D should think carefully whether he wants to take MDMA again in december or play it a bit safer and leave it. SWIM thinks MDMA is beneficial to people at first ie it opens their minds and makes them more open to enjoyment, but if it becomes habitual use it is far more likely to be damaging SWIY personally and it would help to stay off the stuff. however SWIM finds xtc use tends to go up and down in waves, ie it is not something he will be clean from for a while, then take 1 pill and bang, he is an addict. his use goes gradually up and gradually down. probably if SWIY has been clean for 4 months and rolls once he will not have an overwhelming urge to roll again for another 4 months or so. this is just guesswork it is not fact. have a great night but once it is over move on and think about something else, dont let it take over your mind again!

[SU&D]

SWIM really appreciates your views. His english is a little bit rusted because he´s from south america. He is sorry about that .
You´ve all made good points and yes, SWIM is the kind of person which tends to worry too much about what others think....
SWIM also wanted to say that he thinks that MDMA must be taken with 2 month apart in order to rebuild serotonin and all the other stuff that you people must know.
Also you should not take more than 2 pills. "Less is more " is SO true. Anyways, what SWIM wanted to say was thanks.

[KomodoMK]

Your welcome, it's always nice to help others. You get out what you put in.

[Ketamina]

I agree with the general consensus here SU&D; while MDMA can be helpful in relationships in general, it does not help with sex drive.

SWIM and her husband often take MDMA to solidify their bond. It helps them open up and talk about things they feel either inhibited to speak of normally, or things that just don't seem as important in their daily lives. They're both very quiet people, and MDMA has truly helped them strengthen their mental relationship.

However, they realize that it doesn't help sex drive, even though it takes away the inhibitions. That's why they don't do it every week, or even every month.

SU&D, I honestly think your friend needs to take a solo MDMA session. Set him up with some music he likes and other visual, audio, and otherwise sensor invigorating things. Encourage him to talk to himself, write things down, or record them...but mainly he needs to address his issue with how others view him. I don't think he's gay; and even if he is, who cares? Happiness is what matters.

I wish him the best of luck. I hope he tones down a bit on the alcohol and takes MDMA less often in general, but more often for HIMSELF, not for others.

[Akewstick]

Your welcome, it's always nice to help others. You get out what you put in.

The love you take is equal to the love you make.

[KomodoMK]

Originally Posted by Akewstick

The love you take is equal to the love you make.

Heh, I like that quote. Nice.

[Akewstick]

Heh, I like that quote. Nice.

Paul McCartney