I'll try to keep this part as short as possible, just some background info without my life story. I'm 22 years old and have been to inpatient rehab facilities 3 separate times. I have been to detox multiple times. Don't have a college education, until now have never had a decent job that I could support myself with. Opiates
were my drug
of choice (iv heroin
maintenance while drinking a lot and doing benzos
, then iv heroin again). My last time inpatient was July 2012. I then overdosed and ended up in the icu Nevember of 2012. This is the last time anyone thinks that I've "used" although that's not necessarily the case. Since my overdose I've begun to use kratom
one day a week max, phenibut
one day a week max, and I have etizolam
for stressful, anxiety-provoking situations. This does not mean that I even use these drugs
every week, just if I do decide to use them I make sure it's been at least a week since my last use. If not than it's not going to happen. I have not returned to any of my past drugs of abuse for over a year. I have not drank alcohol
for over a year. Nobody knows of my occasional use of phenibut/kratom, or even my rarer use of etizolam. Certainly not my parents, as I still live with them and they wouldn't be approving of any mind altering substances, legal or not. I just feel as if I need "something" to wind down from life once in a while, and presently I can and have been doing so for a while in a non-addictive fashion.
I guess here's where the "sob story" comes into play and I can't recognize my next move. This past year and a half I've made great strides in life. Got a job, got a better job, got a car, then got an even better job. One that I could actually support myself with. Was in a relationship with a girl I met in AA for almost a year that just ended. I'm in a position where I'm living with my parents, saving a ton of money for my future. Happily using these "milder" and "legal" substances once in a while. But....
Everyone thinks that I'm "clean." From my parents, to this girl I just broke up with, to the whole AA community. See I've been going to AA meeting for a while and I still choose to do so. Now that I'm not longer dating this girl, which took up my entire weekend, my free time looks like this. I can call up an AA contact and hang out with them or go to a meeting or spend it around family. It's most likely the weekend because I work 10 hours a day during the week. Having stated that my only free time is the weekend I may or may not be taking phenibut or kratom if I decide to take any that week.
I guess part of me feels like a fraud. I don't have any old friends I can hang out with, as they were all using buddies at the end of the day. I do have some "friends" I've made at work that are always asking me to go to the bar, which at my age would be normal. However again I live with my parents and they wouldn't be cool with me coming home drunk even once in a while, knowing my past history. Also these work friends really don't know my past history. So that leaves me pretty much with my AA buddies and the meetings.
I finally have the tools I need to really succeed in life. I have the job, the car, I'm saving money. But something is definitely missing. I'm doing 100x better than I ever have, yet the picture isn't complete. I feel like I have one foot in and out of the AA program. This is working for me as I'm not longer addicted to anything (even quit smoking a couple months) but I'm definitely working my own special program lol. I guess in a way it just kind of sucks that I don't have the freedom to hang out with my buddies from work and go to the bar maybe twice a month even. But even if I did have that freedom then I wouldn't even have one foot in AA anymore... I'm sure you can see the conflict.
I am open to and will really appreciate any suggestions.