What´s the matter with SWIM? 4 months clean, a great life, and wanting to use again.

[VincentVan]

What´s the matter with SWIM?
He has´nt touched any drugs in more than four months, yet he´s nervously pacing his office´s rug wondering if to call his pusher.
He´s got money, health, a new convertible, even a tan.
More importantly he´s got the most beautiful of all possible daughters, a lovely, loving and beloved wife; house(s); no, a home, a job, friends, interests, a life.
Yet he feels that soon he´ll be driving where he could forget and maybe destroy all that.
What´s the matter with SWIM?

He offer counsel and sometimes suggestions to people who trust him.
He enjoys the respect of his peers and collegues and the admiration of folks he has and he has´nt met.
He´s got work to do.
He´s got things to do.
He´s got much to learn.
What´s the matter with SWIM?

He knows he will suffer.
He knows he will have to lie.
He knows he will have to hide.
He knows he will wish to die.
Yet he knows that soon he´ll be on his way.
To oblivion .
To annihilation.
To a better place.
To destruction.
What´s the matter with SWIM?

Yea. What´s wrong with this fucker?

[Nicaine]

Nice verse... bottom line, substances make (some of) us feel better than everyday life is able to do, even the 'best things' in life. That presents a strong dilemma, doesn't it? We want to get our pleasure from ordinary life events, but we know instinctually that life is unable to deliver the intensity or duration of enjoyment that substances can, and sometimes not even the quality.

Nothing's wrong with us, although the media and the health care field would like us to believe we're suffering from some disease. It's not diseased to want to feel good (or to feel better), it's a sign of health. But we *can* make the choice to take the lesser pleasures of life vs. the greater ones offered by substances, because we give up a lot of problems that way. Or, we can continue with the substances... our choice.

There is no 'wrong' choice, but there's no escaping the consequences. Maybe the substances help us forget (one of their charms?), but not actually get away. The siren song calls... some follow it to the end, some learn to plug their ears. Nobody gets out alive in the end, so hopefully we enjoy what we do, one way or the other.

-- Nicaine

Reputation Comments on this post:

great post, very valid points

[Micklemouse]

Do you think things are maybe going too well for SWiVV? A Certain Mouse has battled with the Saboteur inside him many times, & will continue to for some time to come I'm sure.

Often times it comes from a feeling of not deserving the good fortune that has come his way. Sometimes because of an association between feeling calm, well, good about himself, at peace with himself & the World about him, & to be frank, being off his head, which was the only time for many years that these feelings were evident.

Sometimes it's just a case of missing an old friend or lover, who despite the destructive nature of the relationship, has seen one through some hard times, has at times made one laugh & feel good about one's Self, but who ultimately one knows should be avoided, except perhaps in the smallest of doses, or briefest of dalliances. The queston in this case is does SWiVV trust himself to keep that dalliance brief...

As Nicaine says, there are no wrong choices here - all choices are valid if the risks & benefits are weighed up, & if made with integrity. If SWiVV can hold his hand up & say he made that choice because it was what he genuinely wanted to do, not out of craving, not out of wanting to run away from a problem, then there is nothing wrong with doing something that brings him pleasure, so long as it is done for pleasure.

Can I ask if SWiVV ever told his wife, or anyone genuinely close & trusted about his habit? If not then perhaps he should bite the bullet & do it. There could still be that secretive ghost from his past life & patterns that will not go away until it has been exorcised & brought into the open. SWiVV has my utmost respect for the strength of will it must have taken to come this far (apologies if this sounds patronising - it aint meant to!), but the recovery process isn't quite over yet, & he's now ready to go onto the next level - honesty. The keeping of secrets can be an addiction in itself, & like any addiction can take a lot of Spiritual energy, & can be painful. What SWiYou're experiencing could be a way of dulling that pain. If this is so then going back to old ways will be just putting another plaster on a festering wound, when what it needs is to be cleaned & allowed to breath.

There is nothing 'wrong' with SWiVV imho. He's going through some very human emotions & dilemmas, especially for someone who has been battling with demons & addiction.

Stay strong my friend, & do nothing rash.

[allyourbase]

look up the word eudaimonia, keep in mind its a perspective, and youll probably understand your motivation a little better.

[MrJim]

Congrats on four months VV. It is a long time, but it is only the beginning of the journey. Unconditioning yourself takes a long time.
Cravings pass - They become more infrequent. They become weaker.
The problem with intelligent addicts is that they think too much - This is your problem.
Think about the simple joy of being in the same frame of mind as your wife and daughter. You can't really connect like that any other way other than simply being clean.
And the sickness - It really is awful.
One pattern I have seen alot is that people get clean without learning new coping strategies. You can be sober, but if you don't understand why you want to be high and how to change those thought patterns you'll always be a junkie. Whether you do it or not.

[stoneinfocus]

4 months is like nothing, swim was 3 years absolutely sober inculding "legal" drugs and not missign any of them, excpet those which contributed to swims work very well, which he dicovered later.

swim always thought that a tiny little bit was missing though it be a rip once a year or every other year and I, too, think it´s against human, or at least swims nature -which should be the same nature not getting high for such a long time.

If swiy can work it out wit lies and get away with it, why not?
Swiy may answere this question best.)

Nicaines text has so much truth in its hints on the both ways u could go, which is most often biased by conservatives to their means only, creating a big messy, bloody lie, we must manageto live and cope with.

All the best by,
co-incidence

The fervent I condemn it, and the way it seems to be right to do so,
the more sorrow I feel for doing so, when the attitude is gone while seeing the things destroyed and missing.

[Forthesevenlakes]

swiVV,
theres a theory that the craving to get high on something - anything, is an ingrained urge. as natural as the desire for food, water, or shelter. what swiy is probably feeling are very normal cravings, and swiy can handle this many ways. as MrJim said perhaps you have to adopt new coping strategies to convert these urges into an alternative to using dope. there may be some other outlet for what likely feels like a sort of nervous energy. it sounds like although swiy is tempted, he does not truly want to use any drugs right now. so although there may be no "wrong" choice, keep in mind which choice will bring more long-term pleasure to swiy vs. the short-term relief or pleasure afforded by each. its a kind of hedonistic calculus, as epicurus might put it. i think swiy already has the answer as to what choice he'd prefer, and while theres nothing wrong with craving the alternative, its important to keep the potential consequences in mind.

also after reading micklemouse's response, swim encourages swivv to be open about his past with some of his loved ones, if he hasn't already. they can help alot with this.

[Trebor]

Originally Posted by Micklemouse

Do you think things are maybe going too well for SWiVV?

Excellent answer, SwiVV, while I don't know what their addiction is to, I believe, is not so much addicted to the drug but rather the lifestyle. When Big Larry* took up drug dealing this summer, he didn't need the money. But he did it simply for the thrill. He got no better rush then when he had to meet bigger dealers. It was amazing, he was able to get into night clubs which had ques around the corner and didn't even have to pay. Drikns were on the house and women were on their knees.

What SwiVV is addicted to is the lifestyle. (not saying he dealt). And the fact that his life is better isn't helping when you consider the life of an addict is not the best. (unless they can afford it). Just tell him to think about his duaghter.

And on a side note, what type of convertable? I'm a petrol head you see.

*I'm not Big Larry.

[VincentVan]

Thanks guys.
Really thanks.
Once again your (forum members´s ) insights helped me to look at myself from a different perspective and to adress issues that I´m too much of a whimp to face by myself.
I´m also proud to inform you that yesterday SWIM managed to resist to temptation, even if now he starts to wonder if it was´nt all a usless struggle and a waste of peace of mind , since he feels that, anyway, sometimes, it´s going to happen, no matter what.
Later on I´m gonna tell you exactly what and how it happened, but first you have been so nice with me that I think it´s only fair to answer your questions and giving you the informations you asked for.
I would like to start with Micklemouse because I realize that he is spot on: the issue of what I would deserve and what I actually got through a shameful mix of lies, deceptions and sheer ruthlessness, has beeng troubling me more and more in the last period.
SWIM has been living a double life for too long now. It starts to take its toll. Nobody of his friends , family, collegues or associates knows or would ever even suspect of his shameful vice nor of his disgusting double life.
His wife knows his story, but she thinks that the problem has been gone since at least ten years or even more.
She´s too good, too fair and too honest to imagine that the person she trusts and she relies upon to educate and be an exemple for their daughter could ever be such a deceiving , fake and worthless being.
Swim is also blessed with the friendship of some very good , honest, worthy and really caring people; but even they would be shocked ,should they ever come to know of SWIM´s falsehood.
The only people SWIM can talk about drugs and some (not much)of his feelings about it, are his pusher(s) and the people he sees in his (their) house(s) when he goes there; but they don´t even know SWIM´s real name or who he really is (which is just as well).
You might also be right when you say that things could be going too well for SWIM. For some obscure and perverted reason whenever SWIM is doing something good and has managed to build something positive, he feels the insane urge to destroy it and possibly to destroy himself in the process too.
What a jerk.

MrJim got it right when he says that SWIM, or everyone else for that matter, should know the reasons that are driving his actions; but while he knows the reasons why he wants to be sober he has really no idea of why on hearth he wants to be stoned:he does´nt even like it that much anymore. He thinks that he could be suffering from something like "Manic Compulsive Disorder", but maybe that´s only because he is a master in finding easy excuses for his unexcusable behaviour.
Actually Mr.Jim´s words made me think a lot. Maybe, if anyone thinks that it could be interesting, I will post the conclusions and the doubts I came to; something like a "what can it be " post.
Later on I will tell you what happened yesterday and how SWIM managed to resist to the attacks of his favorite demons and the details of the epic struggle that ensued . A struggle that raised an all new set of doubts and fears and that left poor silly Swim phisically and emotionally drained.
So much so that last night he had to take a sleeping pill to manage to get some rest.

Forthesevenlakes says that SWIM should confess his pityful situation to his wife or to someone else he trusts.
God, how he wishes that he could do that! But he really can´t break his beloved wife´s heart once again. She just does not deserve another blade in the back from him.
As for his friends I don´t even think that they would belive him and in any case , for sure, they would not understand him. This reality is just too far from the idea they have got of SWIM.
It would be beautiful to confess , to come clean, but no; this is not an option.

Co-incidence says that four months are nothing, and of course, he´s right too. Yet for a miserable wreck as SWIM this is an incredible achievement, of which he is both surprised and incredibly proud; that´s why he would be so terribly sad, I would say desperate, should he ruin this painfully and painstakenly reached result. Yet he´s almost sure that that´s exactly what , sooner or later he´s going to do, and he´s so scared by this eventuality that he can barely stand to think about it.

I am sorry Nicaine but I do not agree with your opinion that there are not wrong choices. The choices that are going to hurt good people who trust and love you; the choices that will bring you to betray those who love you, trust you and rely upon you, these are wrong choices. You will never convince me that they can be anything else.

Trebor writes that he does´nt know what monster is the one gnawing at SWIM´s brains.
It´s heroin Trebor. The mother of all drugs. The most shameful and most annhilating of all vices. The only one that with the promise of a few hours of bliss can make it seem worth having to go through weeks of hell.
It´s heroin Trebor.


Well I think I haven´t forgot anything , have I?
Oh yes, Trebor: it´s a Saab. Not really a petrol head vehicle I´m afraid. I´m trying to be a family man you see... I just love to drive with the roof down and because that way I tend to drive slower (in order to be able to hear music, not to have my cigarette blown away and not to get a cold) I also get less speeding tickets.
Ok. I´ll be back soon with the all story.
Thanks again my friends.

VV.

" As I walked by myself
And I talked to myself,
Myself said unto me,
Look to thyself,
Take care of thyself,
For nobody else wil care for thee."

(Old song )

[Trebor]

No, not really a petrol head car, but thanks all the same.

[Forthesevenlakes]

swiVV, many people fuck up several times before theyre entirely clean. swivv showed great strength in resisting a demon yesterday that is difficult to avoid giving into. my expectation is that he can often be this strong. but not everyone can be strong all of the time. be more forgiving with swivv, he's not a jerk for having these temptations. theyre completely natural.

even if swivv had given in, had he chosen to view it as a one time slip-up rather than a full relapse, that could help too. just in case it ever comes to that.

four months may not be forever, but its a very commendable amount of time. many people do not make it past the first couple weeks. i'm confident swivv can keep going.

Reputation Comments on this post:

you´re really very nice. Thanx

[VincentVan]

It´s so strange.
Sometimes it´s so easy.
Sometimes you feel sure it could never happen again. You even wonder how it could have lasted so long. It all seems so long ago, another life, another person. A stranger you struggle to understand. You´re better than that. You know better than that. you´re worth more than that. Than Him.

But sometimes, it´s so impossibly hard. Unbareable. Unstandable. You gotta go. Now.
No, not later; now.
It just hits you without a warning, without a reason, without possible alternatives.
Suddenly everything you have got, everything you have worked for, built , and cared about , becomes meaningless, sad, dead. Everything you love, becomes foreign, even hostile. All your thoughts focus in only one direction and every distraction becomes an ennemy , every doubt, every engagement, an obstacle to get rid of. An unsufferable delay.

You can fight but you can´t know if you will resist. You are screaming but nobody can hear you and so you realize that it´s useless to scream. You look for your jacket and the car´s keys and check in what poket you´ve put your wallet and your shades and all you can think of is: "Fuck it all. Why not? "
Why not indeed?
But then you come back because you forgot your cell phone, or your cigarettes, or something else (you always forget something), and that´s enough to make you reconsider , just for a fraction of a second; and you take off your jacket once more. And then you put it back on and walk from the window to your chair and back to the window again.
Millions of pushy thoughts crowd in your tired brain and vie for attention clamoring and pretending your attention. Fuck man! I need an aspirin.
Yes a glass of water and an aspirin.
And while you´re swallowing whatever pill you found in your drawer, your eyes fall on a picture of someone you really love. More than anything else. Undoubtly. More than anything else.
Is this the taste of tears you´re tasting now? Maybe. Who cares , you are quieter now. Maybe you´re just tired. So very tired. Exausted it´s more like it.
But you think that maybe you made it. Maybe you have resisted. For this time, just maybe , you´ve managed to stand your ground.
Now you know what you´re gonna do. You´re gonna pick up your daughter from day care and you´ll sit down in the harbor to eat an ice cream with her. Yes, . You pick up the phone and tell the baby sitter of the change in the plans. And now you know for sure. You´ve made it . You did resist.
It was so easy.
So easy.
Sometimes it is. Until the next time.
And while you´re on your way, you know that in a short time you´ll be sitting in a sunny spot ,smile to the love of your life and feel quietly and reassuredly happy and you´ll think back at that madman that a short while ago wanted to drive to his ruin and you will think: "Who was that guy? I´m better than this."
At least until next time.

VV.

" I pri Thee , conceal me what I am and be my aid for such a desguise that haply shall become the form of my intent.
My words are as full as matter.
I bring no overture of war, no taxation of homage.
I hold the olive in my hand.

(Shakespeare. "XIIth night" )

[Forthesevenlakes]

i'm glad to hear that swivv was able to resist it. he probably realizes that the short term joy that a substance might bring is not worth the torture he'd inflict on himself later for using it. some people can live with themselves using drugs, others do not want to. for this latter group, temptation may be appealing, but they'll gain alot more happiness in the long term by avoiding the substance.

swivv has really shown some remarkable strength, swim knows how hard it is to wean ones thoughts off opiates. things sometimes happen for a reason though, forgetting some keys, or a wallet, and its good that swivv took it as a sign that he shouldnt go. there are many pleasures in the world, of which drugs are just one. i think swivv would derive alot more joy from all these other things, and he knows it.

stay strong swivv, i know you can do it.