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  #1  
Old 25-06-2013, 00:01
cat1975 cat1975 is offline
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Just left my coke addict boyfriend and totally plagued with guilt.

HI everyone,

Ive been reading these forums for some time now, researching cocaine, addiction, associated behaviours and the stories of others who are in love with addicts.

I am 29 and my now ex is 36. I am overwhelmed with sadness as i made the decision to leave him. I really love him but in our year long relationship I have gradually realised the extent of his problems and tried everything to help. Literally every approach you could think of. I have come to the conclusion that he will never change, doesn't even want to change, and will probably not make fifty.

He snorts cocaine every day, throughout the day....at least a 2 grams a day I think. Every night he drinks 2 or 3 bottles of wine so he can eventually sleep at 2 or 3 am. He is so thin and getting him to eat an evening meal is a massive achievment. He also smokes like a chimney.

I have taken him to the doctors, been patient and kind, tried tough love ie taking his bank cards away, i changed his phone number and deleted all his dealers numbers.....i have in the very early stages of our relationship when i was niave loaned him LOTS of money which i never saw again. He takes home seven hundred pounds a week NET , and lives with his mother paying very little board. He has no other outgoings and yet is always desperate for money.

All the stories of partners going awol, lying through there teeth, erratic behaviour....swearing blind they've had enough of their lifestyle and are going to stop only for you to find a bag of coke in their pocket later that night, or see white powder up there nose...... everything i have read on here is like a bloody mirror image.

I am only young and have never touched drugs....he admitted recently that he has been using coke for around TEN YEARS. It breaks my heart, this morning i was so consumed with sadness for him I could barely move and called in sick to work. I lay in bed most of the day.

I deserve a good life, I work hard and am a kind person.....ut I feel like Im dropping him into a black hole. LHis friends have commented that he takes a lot less since we've been together and that I am good for him....but he still pounds it every day! He is sucking the life out of me and I can feel myself being dragged down. I had to give him two thousand pounds more recently than I would care to admit as a local dealer had apparently been chasing him for months and had started turning up at his elderly mothers house threatening to hospitalise them both.....this is how he is prepared to live in order to have cocaine.

I told him exactly why I was leaving him....I told him I love him but that I cannot destroy my own life and that it hurts me every day to know what he is doing to himself. He says he cant stop altogether, he pleaded that he will cut down....we've been here before and it wont work.

I am going to feel very very guilty for a long time....my actions have shown him that he isn't good enough, that i reject him. He will be so low right now and is only going to get worse......it breaks my heart so much. I am in floods of tears as I type. I tried to make clear that I think he is wonderful and love him so much but sometimes that is not enough. Visions of him snorting coke of a cd case in his room at his mums house, or hanging out with the worst kind of people and putting himself in danger to get coke, go round and round in my head. I honestly think i will feel sad about this for the rest of my life.

I have told him he needs help or he is going to die or end up in prison, I have told him he is a wonderful person and better than this life....I have told him how much I love him but the coke has driven a wedge.... I have told him if he ever needs support or help or a trusted friend to come to me. What more can I do.

Has anyone else had to "leave an addict behind"? I am so worried about him..... Any advice on how to help him from afar or how to come to terms with this would be very much appreciated, thanks xxx

Post Quality Evaluations:
Welcome to drugs forum and thank you for sharing your story
A simply brave, candid, well written opening post that hits many bases. The circumstances are very well and thoroughly documented. Welcome to Drugs Forum.
a very thoughtful and helpful outlining of the situation, thankyou for sharing, many will relate to this post
This is for bravery, honesty, and a damn well-written first post, but most importantly, showing others that it's OK to look out for yourself.
Amazing post. You did the right thing
  #2  
Old 25-06-2013, 00:33
westie420uk westie420uk is offline
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Re: Just left my coke addict boyfriend and totally plagued with guilt.

First of all, don't feel guilty, you have done nothing wrong!
There is 3 people in your relationship & he now has to decide who is future is with. If he really loves you he will make the changes needed & give up the coke. He needs to seek professional help to get treatment for his addiction.
No matter how much he begs you to give him another chance you need to stay strong & insist he seeks help. If you do give him another chance tell him to have his wages paid in to your bank so you can see where his money is going. If he is serious about giving up the coke & wants to have a future with you then he should have no problem with this.
I wish you all the best, we are all here to support you & do what we can. I have never had a problem with cocaine, but i was a heroin addict for over 16 years so i know all the tricks & all the things to say to people to convince them to give me one more chance.
Stay strong.

Post Quality Evaluations:
True, addicts will say anything to get what they want
For your caring and quick response to the op
Good and caring response delivered from "the front line" of previous personal experience, as well as diplomatically prioritising what's important in the OP's situation.

Last edited by Smeg; 25-08-2013 at 00:14.
  #3  
Old 25-06-2013, 00:53
Booty love Booty love is offline
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Re: Just left my coke addict boyfriend and totally plagued with guilt.

You have done everything you can do cat1975, and everything you have done is 100% correct. Unfornunatly, "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink". If your boyfriend doesn't want help, you cant and should force him too. That however makes him a sinking ship and you have YOUR life to think about. If you love him enough you will give him a list of demands he needs to meet, in order to have a relationship with you, but make sure he knows that the door is open, if he really wants to be with you, he will seek help. Thats it PLAIN AND SIMPLE!!! No excuses, love conquers all.

I was addicted to crack for 7 years and i quit because of my wife. She gave me chance after chance, but in the end, after countless relapses after our marriage, i put the pipe down for good. jan. 2008. Haven't touched it since. Keep positive, you have given him all you can give, without enabling. I hope he seeks help and ya'll get back together.

Keep us informed cat1975

Post Quality Evaluations:
Good advice using your own example of how you were able to quit
Caring and compassionate counsel, coupled with the foundation stone of hard-learned personal experience. Thank you.
Great post backed up by personal experience - keep up the good work
  #4  
Old 25-06-2013, 00:59
carter 1203 carter 1203 is offline
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Re: Just left my coke addict boyfriend and totally plagued with guilt.

Hello and Welcome to Drugs-Forum!

I think this is very sad that your boyfriend can't stop using cocaine. Even worse, that he would rack up such a huge debt to a dealer, jeopardizing his own mother's life. He's not going to quit now after using for 10 years. The fact that he told you he will "cut down" is your proof right there.

When you say you have taken him to doctors, was it for help with cocaine? I'm not sure how your medical system works as I'm in the U.S. What does it take to get into a program, where he sees a drugs worker? I imagine he has to initiate the process.

What he really needs to do is go to an in-patient facility but he has to want to get clean. The problem here is he doesn't want to quit. Don't feel bad or think that he will fall apart if you break it off. Like Westie said, It's not your fault, you have done nothing wrong. Addicts learn to be very resourceful and he will find a way to cope.

What's surprising is that he uses and drinks so much that he can hold down a job. Also that he hasn't started smoking it yet or injecting it. You need to do what's good for you and cannot be his caretaker anymore. He's a grown man and must make a decision, either you or the drugs. Be glad you're not married to this man and don't give him any more money! That's terrible manipulating you like that. Remember self preservation is essential and you deserve so much better!

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Well pointed out about the self-worth of the OP.
  #5  
Old 25-06-2013, 01:02
canadasnitemare canadasnitemare is offline
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Re: Just left my coke addict boyfriend and totally plagued with guilt.

A person will never quit drugs for someone else it has to be for yourself,It took me 10 years in addiction and 4 in jail to stop opiates plus 6 on methadone which i am in the process of jumping my dose down 20 ml every week. Stop enabling him its easy to keep going when someone is chasing you around begging you to stop, leave him when he hits rock bottom he'll hopefully smarten up,just be thankful he isnt shooting it up or cooking it into rock and smoking it. Maybe he needs a reality check. Good luck with it all

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excellent point, a person can only give up for themselves
  #6  
Old 25-06-2013, 01:26
TheBigBadWolf TheBigBadWolf is nu online
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Re: Just left my coke addict boyfriend and totally plagued with guilt.

Cat,

You are doing right in what you do.
Enabling him furtheron would not have changed anything
- Please don't be hit personally when your ex doesnt quit and comes running after you
- He is a person with an addiction problem
- this has to be solved before he will ever be alright for having an adult love relationship.

Move on with your life - get off any guilty feelings- You can get support in any questions you might have from several sides - take it, you will need it.

All best wishes to your venture.

BBW

Post Quality Evaluations:
Very well itemised reasons for the OP to stand her ground.
excellent way of differentiating between helping and enabling
  #7  
Old 25-06-2013, 01:37
Cash.Nexus Cash.Nexus is offline
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Re: Just left my coke addict boyfriend and totally plagued with guilt.

You have done the right thing, hard though it may feel. Continuing the relationship would just cause you more pain and loss, therefore it had to be ended. You couldn't do any more. He admits he can't stop, so at least you aren't being strung along on false hopes.

No need to feel guilty...I imagine (as a long-term addict myself) that he understands your motives, which are reasonable. He probably knew at some level that this was inevitable...

While it's a sad situation, the best thing is for you to move on while wishing him well. I don't think there's much else you can do...that's the way it is. ATB.


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lots of wisdom in few words, well done
  #8  
Old 25-06-2013, 13:59
scholastica scholastica is offline
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Re: Just left my coke addict boyfriend and totally plagued with guilt.

My sympathies for what you are suffering. It is sad that his mum keeps enabling him. Why should he stop if he keeps getting bailed out?

It is obvious you love this guy, he will do everything in his power to get you back, but be strong. No matter what words come out of his mouth, do not listen.

When you SEE improvement and real attempts at getting better, if you think it is safe, consider helping him. I would rather say don't walk but rather run in the other direction, but I think you are such a generous and loving person that you can't do that, so please be as safe as possible, remember that bailing him out just makes the addiction stronger. Bailing him out is like shoving it up his nose for him. It is my guess that too many people have "loved" him so they "helped him out" one last time, one last time, one last time. Be the one that loves him enough to NOT help him feed the addiction.

Sympathies, stay strong,
Schola

scholastica added 12 Minutes and 33 Seconds later...

Remember that some define insanity as doing the same thing over and over while anticipating a different result. Don't feed the insanity.

Last edited by scholastica; 25-06-2013 at 13:59. Reason: Automerged Doublepost
  #9  
Old 25-06-2013, 17:51
cat1975 cat1975 is offline
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Re: Just left my coke addict boyfriend and totally plagued with guilt.

Guys, you comments have been truly amazing, such understanding of the situation... You are so right when you say his mother enables him, she is ruining him with love. He can do what he likes and he will always have a roof over his head and a hot meal (although he normally doesnt eat it) on the table. She makes him a packed lunch every night (he is in his late thirties), washes and irons all his clothes, tidies up after him.....she even tidies his room and makes his bed! HE does not live in the real world.

Last night when I wrote my original post I could have gone into a lot more detail, i was so tired an drained I just needed to type...something. It is a very complicated situation. We work for the same company....we dont see each other much except as passing ships but I never fail to be astounded, when I know he has been on a massive bender the night before, up till 3am snorting and drinking.....then he comes into work like nothing is the matter.

I guess he lives in constant cycle of using one substance to counteract the other. Our mutual boss is another enablerl...he has bailed him out financially with loans (which my ex works off rather than pays back). The most recent thing (around 2 weeks ago) is that my ex had not been keeping up the payments on his car , no surprise really as he cant even look after himself, so my bosses solution was to take his car over as a fleet car for the company (and take over the finance) ...and in exchange give him an older less valuable car to own outright and a FUEL CARD, so now he doesnt even pay for his own petrol to and from work.

So you can see how others prop him up in every way imaginable...he is good at his job, amazingly...he is senior to me and earns twice as much yet is always the one who is skint. HE seems to manage through the day at work then have to get absolutely out his face every evening...I guess that is his own particular routine.

I know deep down I have done the right thing, but I will get wind of his next crisis at work and he will always be in front of me. I have a very specialized job so cant really change company, I really would if I could.

Oh, I should add, since I told him I was leaving and why (in no uncertain terms) he has not made any effort to contact me. He saw me this morning very briefly at work and we ignored each other. As a poster above very helpfully said, I must not take it personally that he does not try to chase me at this stage.... he is quite emotionally numb, normal for an addict it seems, and I think did indeed expect the relationship to fail at some point due to his problems.

He has had many failed relationships and generally burns bridges altogether....probably quite textbook.

Thanks so much for your help guys....like I said today I went to work and am just trying to think of my own future and keep busy. Lots of love to all of you struggling with a similar decision, it definitely feels "Lose, Lose" , a rock and a very hard place xxxx
  #10  
Old 26-06-2013, 17:21
scholastica scholastica is offline
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Re: Just left my coke addict boyfriend and totally plagued with guilt.

Good thing for you he is a bridge burner. He will continue until he can't. Compulsions diminish free will.

We tend to be attracted to the same kinds of people over and over again. I invite you to take a long look at what you found attractive about him and compare it to the relationships of people who were important to you. Knowing what might have lead you into this relationship just might keep you from finding yourself in a similar one later.

If you would like to research that theory further it is called trauma bonds. I am sorry I am very sick right now and can only remember the name of the theory not the book or author. I will post later with the details.
Stay strong, you can do this.
Schola

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Great advice to prevent repetitive harmful choices.
  #11  
Old 26-06-2013, 18:04
Booty love Booty love is offline
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Re: Just left my coke addict boyfriend and totally plagued with guilt.

By giving him a place to live, a bed to sleep in and a meal to eat, is not enabling. Getting your own son off the street is love! Giving him money or anything he can use to get dope, thats enabling. Paying bills for things, that a person doesn't need to survive, thats enabling. Giving a junkie basic necessities needed to live, is not enabling, thats caring. If he came to you starving, giving him food is not enabling.
Knowing the difference between enabling and loving, is gonna be very important if he comes to you for help. You have to separate basic life needs from wants. Helping him with anything a human needs to live is ok. But thats it. Wants are what he has to work for. The reward for recovery.
In this day and age basic needs have become ridiculous, cars, cel phones, tv. Those are wants, not needs.

Drug addicts are master manipulators too, especially with people who love them. (i was VERY good at this) If he ever comes to you wanting help to get off coke, YOU have to take complete control of him, and don't believe a word out his mouth, until he has proven himself. I think your best just staying away but i know thats hard to do when someone you love is suffering and constantly putting themselves in harms way.

I'm really sorry your having to experience this in your life. I wish i could talk with him personally and you to. Hit me up if you ever want to talk.

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A really good point on the difference between enabling and fulfilling someones basic needs. Spoken from experience, thanks
  #12  
Old 26-06-2013, 21:44
cat1975 cat1975 is offline
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Re: Just left my coke addict boyfriend and totally plagued with guilt.

Hi guys,

You make some very good points. I guess I didnt realise quite how bad things were for him when we got together, and always made excuses for things and gave him the benefit of the doubt....I am someone who will do this for a long time and take a lot of rubbish off someone before I finally put myself first.

I guess I also thought, until quite near the end, that with enough love and support, and increased self esteem, he would become less reliant on substances....it is in part my reading of others stories that has shown me that while this can help some people recover, love and being given the benefit of the doubt etc is often not enough, and can in fact be detrimental....I kept going for the last couple of months as I really wanted to be there for him,l I still do, but it has to be in a more distanced way, for now at least.

Booty Love, thank you for making that distinction between basic need fulfillment and enabling. You are right when you say that I will be able to help him more effectively, should I ever be in that position, being aware of the important difference. His mother just wants to know his basic needs are met and she loves him unconditionally, I understand that. The truth is he, for the money he earns, he has next to nothing and seems to coast along in the knowledge that his basic needs will always be met. It makes me sad that he does not want more for himself than to live with his elderly mother with no savings, free money of his own, no real possessions (his room is very bare), no holidays etc etc. What I mean is, he gets by, but that is about it. I wish so much that he had a happy well rounded life and thought enough of himself to believe he deserved a NICE life.

I feel sorry for his mother too, Im pretty sure she knows what goes on and why I left him, but she turns a blind eye. She is so sweet and full of love, and she is elderly and I doubt could do anything to change his ways herself. I suppose she resigns herself to the fact that he is how he is, and she can at the very least maintain his basic needs. I am terrified to think what will happen to him when she passes away.

I should add that he and I have had some very frank discussions about his childhood, and I was amazed at how much he actually "let me in" on these rare occasions. His father was a very violent man, towards him and his mother, and for a lot of years his youth was racked with poverty, instability and violence. His father died of a heart attack a couple of years ago and he is still very very resentful of him. I hoped that if we were together long enough I could encourage him to open up more about this side of his life, really talk about it and learn to cope with it. He is very angry and I believe trusts nobody. I believe that his problems today are in part down to this awful time in his life, and that he does not trust anybody to continue loving him if he actually lets them in. This is just one more reason I feel so bad for leaving him.

I have sent him a text message today, asking how he is and saying that I hope he is ok, and that I hope he can understand that it is not because I dont care for him that I left, but rather I care enough that I cannot cope watching him hurt himself any more. He did not reply. I probably should not have reached out to him, I just needed to reinforce the point, I could not bear him thinking that I left because I "couldnt be bothered" or just decided he isnt good enough. I probably wont message him again. I will act kindly towards him at work... and I have already told him I am here for him if he needs a friend. Sad thing is he will most likely cut me off as he doesnt want to face things or change, not yet anyway.

The whole thing is just so sad. I have never been addicted to anything and although I have a greater understanding of how drugs take a hold of someone from reading these boards etc, I must admit that I cannot 100 percent grasp how people can do this to themselves. Do they not feel terribly sad, do they not feel sorry for themselves? Can he not see what I can see? Why doesn't he have higher standards for himself, he is a sweet and intelligent person and deserves more in life. It is such a desperate and lonely way to live. I believe he is a master liar and has lied to me so many times, to his mother and to himself. There is no reality. I wonder if he ever has lightbulb moments where he stops and looks around him and does indeed see what he is doing to himself.... I wish there was something I could do or say to make it better for him. I would do ANYTHING if I thought it would help.

cat1975 added 24 Minutes and 25 Seconds later...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Booty love View Post
I wish i could talk with him personally and you to. Hit me up if you ever want to talk.
I appreciate that a lot, I wish he could talk to some of the people on here too. Maybe one day when he admits he has a problem he might seek help from people who have been in the dark tunnel and come out the other side. If he comes to me for help this will be the first thing I suggest. Thanks

cat1975 added 4 Minutes and 23 Seconds later...

Quote:
Originally Posted by scholastica View Post
Good thing for you he is a bridge burner. He will continue until he can't. Compulsions diminish free will.

We tend to be attracted to the same kinds of people over and over again. I invite you to take a long look at what you found attractive about him and compare it to the relationships of people who were important to you. Knowing what might have lead you into this relationship just might keep you from finding yourself in a similar one later.

If you would like to research that theory further it is called trauma bonds. I am sorry I am very sick right now and can only remember the name of the theory not the book or author. I will post later with the details.
Stay strong, you can do this.
Schola
THank you Scholastica, I will look into that theory. Like I have said, he is a very sweet, caring and intelligent person and I guess some part of me wanted to "save him". What a rookie error huh? I will concentrate on myself for some time now and put thought into why I got so involved, my own self esteem etc.

Can I ask, what do you mean when you say "he will continue until he cant", when will the "cant" finally come? Ha, I know you can't really answer that, its impossible.....but i cant help from wondering. Thank you

Last edited by cat1975; 26-06-2013 at 21:44. Reason: Automerged Doublepost
  #13  
Old 26-06-2013, 21:59
Booty love Booty love is offline
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Re: Just left my coke addict boyfriend and totally plagued with guilt.

Cat1975- i feel like when you describe him, you are describing me when i was ages 21-24. I lived with my mom who gave me food, shelter, gas to get to work, a bed and shelter. If she would have had money to give me, she would have. I manipulated other family members to enable me with money. I even got my grandmother to pay off my car because it was about to be repossessed. I was in a horrible spot but unlike your friend, i had no girl and no friends to offer me help.

Then at 24 i decided to join the air force. I made that decision on my own. Its really the only big life decision i have ever made. I have never been a go-getter, i let time and circumstances direct me through life. But i joined the air force and loved it until about 2 years in. Then i saw what the military was all about, people coming and going. I didnt handle losing all my friends. So since the AF stationed me 2 hours north of savannah, my home, i started going down there every weekend and getting high again. Luckily for me, i met a woman who was willing to move in with me almost immediately after we started dating. She was like you, 0 drug experience. Plus she had grown up in a small town in arkansas and didn't even know what crack was, good for me huh!

So she moved in and a week later i was set up by a buddy of mine and we were both arrested and i was charged with use of an illegal narcotic. Basically i failed a piss test but in the AF, that is very illegal.
I ended up going to rehab for 10 days. Thankfully my gf, didn't leave me. She stayed in a motel by the rehab center. Once i got out, i had to give her my debit and credit cards. That was the only way she would stay, and it kept me from getting high. NO MONEY, NO DRUGS!

I actually loved my 10 days in rehab, i met some cool people and some really crazy people. The food kicked ass too. For my addiction though, it was a joke. I used out of boredom, plain and simple. Once i got out, i moved to arkansas and relasped a few times but i never met an actual dealer so i never was able to really get going again. Pretty soon my son was born and that made my addiction pretty easy to overcome.

Today i can recreationally do any drug and leave it at that. All because of my family. They are way more important than getting high. I rarely do hard drugs now but when i do. I do them and go home.
I still cant believe who i used to be and i really cant believe who i am now. A FATHER OF 3, husband, home owner. Its along way from living with my mother, running the streets all weekend smoking crack. Spending all my money on dope and even stealing to get more. If i can do it, so can him. I hope he gets what ever he needs to quit. I really do.

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That is an inspiring testimonial. Thanks for sharing
  #14  
Old 26-06-2013, 22:00
soso soso is offline
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Re: Just left my coke addict boyfriend and totally plagued with guilt.

Enabling isnt just about giving an addict money for drugs, in my opinion its also about tolerating the bullshit that comes with drugs, i think his mother is enabling him by turning a blind eye to what hes doing.

Cat
getting him to talk to people on here might sound like a good idea but rarely do adicts listen to advice from anyone no matter if theyve been on drugs or not. He will stop when hes ready and untill then unfortunatly theres not alot you can do. I had a bad drug habit for years and never listened to anyone, not family, friends or girlfriends. I can honestly say now looking back that i dont blame friends and girlfriends for not putting up with me while i was using, your doing the right thing.

Soso
  #15  
Old 26-06-2013, 22:28
cat1975 cat1975 is offline
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Re: Just left my coke addict boyfriend and totally plagued with guilt.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Booty love View Post

I actually loved my 10 days in rehab, i met some cool people and some really crazy people. The food kicked ass too. For my addiction though, it was a joke. I used out of boredom, plain and simple. Once i got out, i moved to arkansas and relasped a few times but i never met an actual dealer so i never was able to really get going again. Pretty soon my son was born and that made my addiction pretty easy to overcome. .
Thats another thing I forgot to say, where he lives drugs, especially coke , are RIFE. A lot of his friends dabble and he could, I think, get coke within 30 mins at any time, without having to go more than 2 miles from home. Deleting all his dealers numbers from his phone made very little impact..... I think he would need to cut of contact with most of his social circle if he is ever to stand a chance x
  #16  
Old 27-06-2013, 00:08
Booty love Booty love is offline
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Re: Just left my coke addict boyfriend and totally plagued with guilt.

Its the same with crack back in savannah. I havent been to the ghetto, since 2006, i have no phone numbers or anything but i guarantee i could go there tomorrow and i would find someone i know, or someone that remembers me(there arent many white folks in that part of town), within an hour.

Thats why i moved to arkansas when i got out of the military. If i had gone back to savannah at anytime before i had my son, i would have fallen right back into my old habits. For me, getting crack in savannah ga is as easy as getting a gallon of milk.

Last edited by Smeg; 02-09-2013 at 12:27. Reason: Removal of needless quote.
  #17  
Old 27-06-2013, 00:11
cat1975 cat1975 is offline
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Re: Just left my coke addict boyfriend and totally plagued with guilt.

Exactly.....he's trapped.
  #18  
Old 27-06-2013, 00:43
Booty love Booty love is offline
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Re: Just left my coke addict boyfriend and totally plagued with guilt.

He is only trapped in his mind.
@ soso- i'm sure his mother isnt turning a blind eye, because she wants to, its not like he is A child. What does a mother do when her baby is fucked up on something she has no control over. Her options are to kick him out on the street, or have him arrested. Those are the only 2 choices she has, i would bet my life on it. I can tell you that my mother was the same. She kicked me out 100 times on friday afternoons but i would be back every sunday evening. She was terrified i would wind up dead if she didn't let me stay home.

Last edited by Smeg; 02-09-2013 at 12:28. Reason: Removal of needless quote.
  #19  
Old 27-06-2013, 08:20
soso soso is offline
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Re: Just left my coke addict boyfriend and totally plagued with guilt.

Booty
I hear what your sayin and I know everyone's different but I honestly think if my parents had kicked me out and told me not to come back till I'm clean I'd have quit a lot sooner. Not having to pay rent, bills or shopping enabled me to spend more money on crack and smack. I'm in no way blaming them they stood by me no matter what but it definitely made it easier for me to continue using.

Cat
Your right he will have to change his whole life, it's not just a case of Quiting drugs you have to quit the drug lifestyle. Friends or associates who use drugs will have to be avoided as will places he gets or takes his drugs, these things are what makes quiting such a daunting thing, but the fact is drugs are everywhere and you need willpower and determination.
Even if he did quit and you got back together there's always going to be the chance he will go back to it, quiting is only the beginning, it's staying clean that's the hard part.

Soso
  #20  
Old 27-06-2013, 11:31
TheBigBadWolf TheBigBadWolf is nu online
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Re: Just left my coke addict boyfriend and totally plagued with guilt.

Cat,

I noticed that you are mainly talking about your ex.
He's an addict , yes. He has no will (yet) to stop, yes.
And he possibly won't hit the ground before he messes up *so* much he will be losing his job. Or, not too rare in stimulant addicts, overdose himself at some point and suffer a stroke..

Whats up with you?
How are you feeling with this all?
What help do you have except for us here on DF?

It's very appreciateable you still do care so much about this guy who now is your Ex. Loyalty is a fine trait to own towards a special person in your life, but:
Scholastica is very right when she says that you might wanna have a look how it went that you - at first- fell in love with an addict and that you did tolerate his using for quite some time.
HE is the addict. But YOU do not come out of this unscathed, unscarred -just like this.

Aside to our help you can get some from self-aid groups and professional psychs.
I dare advise you to get some help - self-aid groups are everywhere - I believe you should still more - with a look on your future, this is - see what your part in this all was - what it is that drew you to him primarily, there's more to falling in love than meeting a 'nice' person you lateron find out is a class A manipulator.
I once was asked this by my doctor when I told him that I begun a special relationship:
" What interest does this person have into a junky? "

There is some questions you wil have to pose yourself if you want this to be the only time to have stepped into such a weird situation. I'm not meaning to be a smart ass,- and you are not obliged to answer any of my questions in the open,- I think the answers could be helpful for you, though.

BBW

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Kindly written post encouraging OP to seek answers and additional help.
Good point about not forgetting the one person who came here looking for advice.
  #21  
Old 23-08-2013, 23:40
Clearmoonluna Clearmoonluna is offline
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Re: Just left my coke addict boyfriend and totally plagued with guilt.

Hi Cat,

I just did the same thing decided to leave my boyfriend of 9 months after discovering that he, his brother and their friends took cocaine at a party a few months back.

It took me a while to make this decision. I'm actually heading to his house to pick up my stuff there today. For me, no matter aside of the drug issue, how nice my ex boyfriend is, how nice his family is, how committed he is to me that he was actually looking for a family home so we could get married, until he is clear of that drug addiction, I could never accept life together with him. When I talked about the drug issue with my ex boyfriend, he was not at all regretful.

Instead he explained to me how it worked, how it made him feel and he said he will do it again at parties. My ex boy friend is in his mid 40s, I don't think at his age, with the sort of friends he has, he could give up that habit. I can't change the world, so I change myself, I had to leave him.
It is up to each individual to weight what is more important in life. Doesn't matter how addicted the drug users are, it is an on going battle that person and people around him will face. It is like any addiction, until the person realise what they want to do, and do something about it, it will never go away. I just can't risk my own happiness for something that is obviously not right.

I spoke to my ex boyfriend's dad about why we broke up, he and his wife in their 70s are shocked by this news and are very upset. They didn't know their two sons were doing that drug and they didn't know how to help them yet. I guess I will get into trouble for telling him that my ex boy friend and his brother were taking cocaine. Now there is going to be a group of people very upset and perhaps hates me now. But I think if it helps to improve the quality of my ex boyfriend's future life, I would be brave and tell his dad about it. It's good to have some family support when dealing with issues like this.

This is a very painful experience. The thing is that I discovered it accidentally. Lucky I did before I got married to him. I certainly don't want any of our further kids to suffer from drugs.

It will take me a while to heal this pain, I still care for my ex boyfriend, I hope he gets better. He is in a mess now that I left him. He said he has a good business, nice house and car, but he comes home to an empty house, with no one so share with, all his girl friends left him. He doesn't know what's wrong with him. I think if he was the same person he was, perhaps the drug issue is turning other girls away. If he doesn't change, his life won't be happier. That is my opinion, someone else may think differently. Maybe he can find a woman who will tolerant drug use and then they can be happy together.

Cat,

Thank you for your post, it gave me a chance to share my own experience. And to learn that I am not alone. Good luck with everything. If you love yourself, you will know what to do is best for you and the ones you love.

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Good sharing your experience with the op. it always helps knowing someone else is in the same boat at the same time.

Last edited by Smeg; 02-09-2013 at 12:32. Reason: Paragraphing and line-spacing to facilitate reading.
  #22  
Old 24-08-2013, 21:05
idfma idfma is offline
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Re: Just left my coke addict boyfriend and totally plagued with guilt.

Clearmoonluna, your situation sounds a little different than Cat's. Specifically, you heard about one instance of use a few months ago. Do you have other examples?

While it's certainly your choice, if you have no tolerance for someone who uses drugs at all--that's totally up to you. On the other hand, I'm not sure it's reasonable to go around telling people that he and his brother are addicts, if you have no other information about their drug use. Do you have any additional evidence that he's an addict? Calling someone an addict, when all you know about is one instance of use is pretty strong.

Not wanting to be around it is one thing--telling his family and other people that he and his brother are addicts seems inappropriate if this is the only instance of use that you are aware of.

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Correct analysis and conclusion presented reasonably and precisely.
  #23  
Old 24-08-2013, 23:40
cat1975 cat1975 is offline
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Re: Just left my coke addict boyfriend and totally plagued with guilt.

Hi BigBadWolf, ClearMoonLuna and idfma....just wanted to say thanks all so much for your further comments. I cannot reply fully right now and will take the time to do so first thing in the morning.,...just wanted to put a quick note on to say that I have read it all and appreciate it.

Its about time i gave an update anyway... mostly for the benefit of others in the future who may find themselves in the horrendous situation and stumble upon this thread. I hate that white powder...
  #24  
Old 25-08-2013, 08:15
Clearmoonluna Clearmoonluna is offline
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Re: Just left my coke addict boyfriend and totally plagued with guilt.

Hi idfma,

Thank you for your comment. Even though I only have one incident with physical evidence to prove that my ex boy friend took drugs that time, he admitted to me that he and his best mate takes drugs on a regular basis. The reason I told his parents about his drug use was that they love him very much and could be the only people who can help him if he wants to get off drugs.

I didn't realise this was inappropriate, but I'm only trying to help him. I love him very much, and I don't know how to help. I am very sad now this happened. It is harder than if I myself had such addiction.
  #25  
Old 25-08-2013, 15:10
idfma idfma is offline
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Re: Just left my coke addict boyfriend and totally plagued with guilt.

Hi Clearmoon, only you can know what's right for you, but once you start telling folks someone is an addict, just like drug use things can get out of control really quickly. I was just curious. I hope your ex figures things out.

Cat, you sound like an amazing person. Your boyfriend was lucky to have you. Leave him be so he can look back and realize how lucky he was. He will only bring you pain, if you allow him in your life. There may be an opportunity down the road where he realizes what he needs to do, but right now you are going in completely different directions. Good luck to you!

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