Depression

[stoneinfocus]

Originally Posted by D.U.M.B

It's strange but I think I have learnt more from the world whenever I have been depressed. It's like I see it in a much different way and reveal more of what life is all about. Which is strange, but it does moments where I am walking around down and blue it's like you watch the world and soak much more in.

Your thoughts on this?

Oh but it's not SWIM's fave way of learning about the eyes with more of an open mind. SWIM likes LSD and Mushrooms for this

Come-on, that´s not a depression, this is a melancholy.
In fact, a depression will make you feel tired, exhausted, without energy, like your nerve pulses willingly send to the limbs, just evaporate in a dark infinity, while your eyes are empty and your sight is blurred.

I love this melancholy you´re describing, it´s not a depression, it´s a deep insight to the nature of you and all around in a mostly unfiltred way, but with most of your conscience attached.

When I overcome a depression, feeling the live spring into my body again, like a hand into an empty glove, I suddenly see much more; I see the beauty which is the truth, found in the moments of melancholy, a breakdown to a deeper wave of consciousness and inflicted emotions, when I see every detail of the live around.The smells, the clear thoughts and sentiments in the eyes of others, gathered in a second, becoming my emotion and thoughts.

I aggree with lostgurl, even when totally knocked out and paralysed, I have to force with the most brutest rational mechanics the drugs, that for sure will help, into me, taking sometimes minutes to near an hour, ´cause the believe in that it wouldn´t help, is so much more overwhelming, than the year-long knowledge, that these drugs will def. take you out of the misery, in a way, that you couldn´t ever belive, that this dark, never ending time, consisting of a few hours/half a day or a day or days, was ever there, now moving on, with the grueling clue, that this unbelievable and a few hours later, indescribable by oneself feelings exist, once again only rational knowing, you overcame it with your pristine logic and year long experience and self-discipline to buy and bulk up and take these fuckin pills.

[Orchid_Suspiria]

Melancholy can be poetically beautiful there is nothing darkly beautiful to what swim feels.It is racing thoughts,panic,confusion,desperation,breaking down into tiny pieces.Hearing ugly voices tell him everything will go wrong and nothing will ever go right for him again.Swim hates feeling this way so much.

[stoneinfocus]

this sounds more like a paranoia or another problem, which I don´t know about, but this, also, doesn´t sound like a depression, at least not what I would call a depression, but there´re no absolute diagnosis in psychology and psychiatry, which makes it more a kind of a self-challange, "diagnosing" and overcoming those torments.

[Orchid_Suspiria]

It is certainly a deep and harsh depression just the racing thoughts in swims head are all extremely depressing thoughts,but paranoia and anxiety is certainly mixed with it.The only thing that ever seems to help is opiates and benzos,making swim easy prey for addiction.

[Swimster]

swim describes his depression as being verry tired, and feeling useless, and constant negative thoughts.

[Orchid_Suspiria]

Swim wishes his made him tired,swim hardly sleeps anymore.

[stoneinfocus]

Yeah, that´s what a psychiatrist would probably call psychotic/shizophrenic, with paranoia, or fear of exisitng (don´t know the translation), or, if he´s in another mood, panic attacks.
would probably prescribe an antidepressant with a -charachteristic and probably a mild anti-psychotic... results may vary, benzos work, of course, opiates are prob. great, too, but neuroleptics and SSRI´s sell so much better and for the addiction part there´s still benzos to prescribe an worry about..

[Micklemouse]

Originally Posted by co-incidence

Yeah, that´s what a psychiatrist would probably call psychotic/shizophrenic, with paranoia, or fear of exisitng (don´t know the translation), or, if he´s in another mood, panic attacks.
would probably prescribe an antidepressant with a -charachteristic and probably a mild anti-psychotic... results may vary, benzos work, of course, opiates are prob. great, too, but neuroleptics and SSRI´s sell so much better and for the addiction part there´s still benzos to prescribe an worry about..

Sorry, but a psychiatrist would not necessarily class the symptoms described as psychotic.

The symptoms described are classic depressive symptoms - low self-esteem, social anxiety/paranoia (understandable also if there is non-prescription drug use going on - the knock at the door, etc), hypo (lowered) or hyper (increased) somnulism (sleep), low motivation, inabiliity to shut out one's thoughts. Even with the "ugly voices" that Orchid describes a diagnosis of a psychotic illness is still not necessarily going to be made. Voice hearing is incredibly common - one Dutch study I heard of found that something like 4 % of the population hear voices, (& that is of the whole population, not just drug-users or those with a psychotic illness! In fact many people with schizophrenia do not hear voices at all. It is a common symptom, but not defining. the majority of voice hearers live with their voices quite well, often finding their input helpful rather than distressing. It is also possible to enter into dialogus with voices when they are distressing - by treating them as an actual entity it can be possible take back some power from them.).

Many people with deep depression will find they have an increased awareness of their internal dialogues - their thoughts will appear louder, especially the negative or destructive ones, especially so as they are often numbed to the external world, but incredibly attuned to their internal pain.

Voice hearing can also be a part of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder & is often a strong part of Personality Disorder (which is often a deep rooted & unresolved result of past, usually early, trauma it seems - the majority of people I have spoken to with a diagnosis of PD have suffered some abuse or other trauma somewhere along the line, often, but not necessarily, in childhood or adolescence. I'm not saying that these are what SWiY is suffering from, but that there is more to voice hearing then psychosis & schizophrenia.

Hearing voices: Explanations and implications

When A Certain Mouse was deeply depressed some years ago he had a lot of similar symptoms to SWiY'self Orchid, including the destructive voice, paranoia, & the odd & very inpleasant depersonalised "split-personality" feeling - very hard to describe. Hang in there, get help, be honest & push for more than antidepressants - counselling (Rogerian or Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) or psychology input could be of great help.

Reputation Comments on this post:

	This post was very helpful and Mickle seems to be very compassionate and interested generally in harm reduction and help...
	For all your good work with Orchid!

[Orchid_Suspiria]

SSRI's did nothing to swim but make him sick,sweaty,made his body ache.The old true medicines work the best and always will but are not perscribed because of hypocritical drug laws and anti drug propaganda.Swim could atleast live in peace if this wasn't the case.Sometimes swim feels as if he is two different people.It is very unpleasant.

[Orchid_Suspiria]

Swim was not always this bad,but extreme situations set these symptoms off more than anything else.Swim lives in sort of almost a horror movie,with brief sighs of relief in the form of methadone or heroin.When finances do not permit swim lives in this fearful existence that is far uglier than simple opiate withdrawal.And as he has stated before some very bad situations that swim sees no easy way to solve have turned his life into a complete train wreck.As far as the voices swim does not think he is schizophrenic,he knows these voices come from his own mind yet they sometimes seem like something more.Voices from other source predicting more painful events that will happen unless swim obeys them completely by doing things like making sure he washes his hands before entering certain rooms in the house or making sure to put a right shoe on before a left one.He hurts physically to for no unexplained reason just a general feeling of fatigue or ill ease.If swim can not obtain what he needs he can only get some sleep at night by eating about 120 mg's of diphenhydramine or 60 mg of doxylamine succinate though these are not entirely effective.

Why is someone swim cares about so much being so harsh to him at a time like this?Somedays are bright though like when swim has friends around and things seem somewhat normal for a short time.Swim knows much of this must be some divine punishment for being a bad person.He has hurt so many people close to him and this is normal.Excommunication from everything good and light.Swim has been up all night and has kept partly grounded by ingesting 20 mg of methadone last night and potentating it with tums,which actually works.But it is fading and the restlesness and fear is coming back.Swim should seek some sort of help.He is going to see a psychiatrist next week but refuses any SSRI's!If she gives him some stupidity about benzos being addictive he is going to go elsewhere.Benzos and opiates may be addictive but they are a blessing to swim.He would rather spend his life addicted to something than spend his life like this.He just wants peace and to be able to forget all the things that are hurting him.

Thanks to those that listened and tried to help!