Whats wrong with the world, or is it me?

[hh339]

Lately I have been close to giving up. Im not really sure what I mean by that, but thats how I feel. I will try and explain the best I can.

I have always questioned everything and tried to come to my own conclusions based on what I see with what I would like to call an open mind. As a result of that, I often dont get along with other people. Especially not the ones who judge others before even giving them a chance to explain why they think the way they do. I believe that is because most people have been taught how to think, what to think, what not to think, and so on. Thats fine by me. I wouldnt want to hang out with condescending people anyway.

I have always had a few close friends with similar attitudes towards life as me. We have been of different opinions many times, but we have all made up our own minds, and therefor we have always respected and listened to eachother.

Two of those friends are alive today, one of them so depressed that he has been talking about suicide more than once, the other one taking opiates to escape his emotional pain. Both of them have very tragic life stories and I am really amazed how they both have been able to see light in the darkness in the past. They have been my family since my father died when I was younger. I have a mother and she is a wonderful person, but she has found her own path and we dont have a lot in common anymore. I love these two friends of mine, but I dont see hope in their eyes anymore. Something has died, and a part of me has died with it. I dont see my family much anymore because they simply dont have the energy for it. I am very lonely these days.

I know what has taken their will to fight. The world. They have been ignored, laughed at, judged, locked away, beaten, used... I could go on forever. By their so called families, and by the rest of the world so eager to destroy anything thats different, and perhaps threatening to their egos?

Im fucking lost. Soon I dont care much about anything anymore. Why is it that the best people suffer the most? They never tried to hurt anyone, they have done the exact opposite, still others hurt them so many times out of pure malice.

Im really not sure what I am trying to say here. Maybe Im searching for reasons to think positive in an evil greedy depressing world. I could sure use some positive energy to share with my friends.

I was about to move to Holland this month, but I can not leave because I must soon serve 6 months in jail. I fucking hate Sweden, and still Im stuck here for about a year more. I have huge problems with my girlfriend. Nothing is going right and I feel I am about to explode. I need to set myself straight to be able to help my friends, and myself too I guess, but as things are now, I cant. Sorry if Im rambling here, I tried to make sense the best I can. Im kind of confused.

Does anyone have any advice on what to do? How does one get back on track?

Reputation Comments on this post:

	Good post. I can relate to what you're saying.
	Beautifully written
	Hang in there. allways be around to chat - A

[rxbandit]

" It has always seemed strange to me...The things we admire in men, kindness and generosity, openness, honesty, understanding and feeling, are the concomitants of failure in our system. And those traits we detest, sharpness, greed, acquisitiveness, meanness, egotism and self-interest, are the traits of success. And while men admire the quality of the first they love the produce of the second. " ~ John Steinbeck, cannery row

one thing you have to realize is there are alot of people that share your same ideals and that are open minded. there is a beautiful world behind the veil of gloom its just hiden and it takes some searching to find it. for swim DMT brought swims life meaning and beauty again, mushrooms made swim see the duality of nature at its best and at its worst. there is alot wrong with this world, but you do not have to participate in the parts that morally conflict with your views and beliefs. a good way to get yourself in a better mind state and get your head straightened out is to go out in the wilderness alone for a few days and reflect on everything, its amazing what nature and solitude can do for ones spirit. if nothing else read up on the 2012 prophecys of the mayans, a good deal of my friends who were suicidal read those and decided they were to curious to see if the prophecys were true... theres alot in this world thats worth it but i agree there is a culture of close minded, insecure individuals scared of inconsistency and what they arent familiar with.

the mass media does teach most people how to think and act but you can break free from their grip and if your like swim rip people away from their tainted thinking and open their eyes to it all. dispelling ignorance can be quest. bottom line dont give up, theres much to be down, some innocent fun with your two friends might bring you back, try to change your life up a bit; if you try something new everyday your life never gets old.

good luck

[illuminati boy]

It sounds like you are going through a sort of existential depression. People have been through it before and ‘turned the corner.’ I know acknowledging that others have suffered similarly does not help the immediacy of the frustration of the situation, but at least know that others have felt this before. I must confess that just the prospect of a 6-month stay in a jail would likely be enough to elicit at least mild depression in myself (if there even is such an animal).

My advice for the jail part? If you still have yet to go, stock up on good books. The classics of philosophy and literature if you will be permitted to have them. At least then if you have to be locked in a room you are locked in one with some of the greatest minds humanity has produced. I would wager that most of them probably felt full well the feeling of which you speak. Dostoevsky, although a believer of sorts, went through bouts of incarceration, persecution, and severe stress. Sartre had his massive bummer on mescaline. Camus struggled with the question of ‘why go on living.’ Shit, they strait up killed Socrates. They all have different ideas and answers… but they sure read as if they have really been where you are at now.

Also, pick one new task you will master. If you are not a good artist get a little basic instruction in an art form before you go in and practice and improve while there. Learn to paint or pen the truth you see. If you have not yet been taught mindfulness meditation this might be a very good alternative. Learn the basics of meditation and treat the sentence as a 6-month Zen retreat and let every harsh word be an instruction in compassion. Sri Aurobindo and others have had their moment of clarity while behind the bars of society.

Regarding your larger topic of general malaise, if you are the type of person who does not take comfort in dogma but must find Truth for yourself… the ultimate answer will have to come through you and your lived experience. To be authentic to who you are, you will have to find your own authentic truth. It may take a while, but when you do, the world will sparkle again and you will know the gleam to be a mine of golconda and not merely a fleck of fools gold.

I wish you the best.

I B

PS Feel free to PM if you so wish.

Reputation Comments on this post:

beautiful, positive and thoughtful reply to a very serious question

[Alfa]

Find out what factors in your life are replacable and which are not. If you can, then determine what your life is lacking.
From what you describe it seems as if you could use a few more good friends and a new girlfriend. But that's only based upon the few words you wrote on them. Checking out new countries is fun to do and may lead to a new life as well.

Regarding jail, IB has most things covered. You can use your time very effective if you use it to build a solid foundation for your future. If you are allowed to do a course on something that will make it easier to make a living, I would say go for it.

A good friend of SWIM recently had to go on a simular obligation and had a short vacation of a month. Only one month without drugs was enough to uncover the true personality of the friend of SWIM. The friend had been smoking, drinking and partying for decades. This had affected his personality a lot. The working out also did him well. Only the room service sucked.

Jail sucks big time, but there are some important things you can get out of it. You'll sure as hell find out if the GF has any value in his life. And also how real the friendships are, that you have.

[hh339]

I guess I have always been thinking this way, so its really nothing new. Doing it while feeling alone is new though, and thats probably why it bothers me so much now, not having someone on the same wavelenght to reason with in real life.

Your answers are valued to say the least, and I will check out those books that you, illuminati boy, wrote about. That might keep me busy in jail, as well as my chemistry books, which I always wanted to finish in peace and quiet so the words are not just forgotten when Im done with them.

I have read your answers many times now and I appreciate every word. Thank you. Gotta run now, Im late.

[~lostgurl~]

Your writing is really powerful, it was impossible to read your post and not feel the intensity of your emotions.

The ability to stir up emotions in a total stranger with just a few paragraphs is an exceptional gift. 6 months in jail, damn, write a book, change the world, open the eyes of the many who have never been where you are now, and where many are now.

It is so hard for us to understand what has never been real to us, especially when it goes against all we know to be true. When they read, and feel, maybe they will try harder to understand.

Putting all those thoughts on paper could be a welcome release for some of the pain you feel too.

Take care of you.....

Reputation Comments on this post:

I like the kind words you gave hh33.

[stoneinfocus]

It´s exactly what I´m feeleing all these years.

You´re not allowed to do anything or explore on your own, but only when involved in a solid capitalistic system or in a regulated organisation, like research or investigation, as an officer .... . And even then you have no right to go your own way, because the hirachy and the educational system has already sorted out any free-minded, etablishment-frightening individual.

So what is wisdom without the chance to apply it yourself?
Lost, useless, annoying!
What is it for the establishement? -power to get anyone anywhere they want!

So if you´re a functioning wheel in this establishement you eradicate everythingn that doesn´t fit in, because it was eradicated in you as u grew up in there and want to profite from it.

The media is telling us, what they think we are, but I think time changes, because we ain´t that stupid and we cannot adapt to this stupidity anymore, because it´s annoying for all of us and behinfd destroying something unknown, we realize that there´s a whish to understand this unknown quality someone might posseses despite of damming it, we realize, that we deepüly whish to have ti ourselves.

It´s alll a big lie and the smear is ugly crawling upon our ears and faces and instead of liking it it´s annoying and not even entertaining anymore, because it´s no substitute for the emptyness and the bore this sort of destroying creates, but it takes long time to realize in a golden prison where everything seems to work allright, food, electricity the money on the bank the routine ... and the garden and 20 grands for a 10qm bathroom in a middelclass living-block.

Despite of that, if you want to hurt them, get their money! that´s what they´re afraid of most!Hurt them financially or give them reasom to belive that u could and they´ll let u go.

[old hippie 56]

Jail sucks but as one who been there, it saved my life. Swim had a lot of time to think about his life and where it was headed. Decided to clean up his act, moved to a new town and start a new life. It been hard sometimes, but life now is a hell of a lot better than then. Good luck!!!!

[Alicia]

We wish you all best. boyo went through a similar thing on looking at life in general in someways his views are still the same. All the best hh339 will always be around to talk