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Alcohol R&A Journals Post your recovery Journal for community support, advice and tracking progress.

 
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Old 07-12-2012, 01:36
Hey :-) Hey :-) is offline
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Join Date: 01-12-2009
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Alcohol Abstinence with Antabuse/Disulfiram .

Alcohol Abstinence with Antabuse/Disulfiram

Antabuse started 8/11/12 .

Alcohol reduction prior 8/11/12 .

Out patient . Female . 120 lbs . 6 years approx drinking history . Spirits .



Tuesday 13th November around 6 pm .

I feel like utter shit . I have felt confused or unable to think straight for days , extremely agitated at times (i mean REALLY agitated) , anxious or depressed and i have had a headache for almost a week .

Whether this headache has been due to the initial side effects of Antabuse , effects of caffeine withdrawal , or effects from having stopped drinking or any one of this combination , i doubt i shall ever know . I am very glad that it seems to be easing now though , as i really feel that this drug is the only way i am going to get to stay sober and clear headed enough , for long enough , to sort my life out .

The last six or so weeks has been insane , even by my standards . I can't think of a word to describe the range of emotions or the physical nightmare to a degree that still i have not left behind . I have been reducing my alcohol intake as an outpatient , stopped drinking and was started on Disulfiram/Antabuse quickly afterwards by my doctor at the Unit six days ago . If i make no sense , this wont be a new thing but i shall try my best . Please remember that i am at times typing through gritted teeth .

I don't even know where to start .. but i guess a good place may be with ''alcohol'' . The journey actually began long before alcohol , but i doubt you have forever to read this and to be honest , all you really need to do is imagine a train wreck that's somehow spanned over four decades or so . But lets just stick with the alcohol for now .

Around six or seven years ago i discovered Vodka with Relentless mixer . Relentless is basically a lots of sugar and caffeine carbonated drink . I'm sure you know what vodka is . Two or three ice cubes and the correct ratio made this drink an easy drink to drink . I hadn't graduated to using a straw at that point . I still had reasonable teeth back then and although they're not shot now , sensitivity is never far away . Long gone are the days where i don't have to worry about whether an ice cream or something very sweet is ''dangerous'' or not .

I was never that keen on the taste of alcohol and figured for this reason that i would never have a problem with it . But , adding the Relentless mixer made it not only different in effects compared to alcohol on its own , but to me anyway , it made it taste like a fizzy fruit drink . It was easy to drink , the constituents were available absolutely everywhere , and along with other personal real life events i had to cope with , it seemed a godsend .. at the time .

I vaguely remember not being able to sleep after a drinking session in the beginning . This didn't bother me too much as compared to other substances the pay off seemed relatively mild . This ''hard to sleep'' effect didn't last too long though , and within a few months i was comfortably falling asleep . My weekends were starting to consist of around three or four days though . Three for drinking , or maybe binging would be a more accurate description and a day or so to recover .

The high was a welcome relief from the constant low energy levels that have plagued me most of my life . It was like being what i consider functionally high . A charged up but at the same time relaxed high . Having more energy , finding socialising and communication something that i could actually achieve and enjoy instead of fearing it , and generally not being so dam self concious . I enjoyed the loss of inhibition also . It didn't take long though for the weekends to merge and my life and that of those around me to sink .

The amounts consumed varied over the years and it seems like i was either trying my hardest to pull things back from a litre at my worst times to letting go completely and hitting the accelerator from about a third of a litre . The sober days got progressively less often although overall it was very up and down .

I'm sure i asked myself in those earlier days ''do i have a problem'' . I had 'how could i possibly have a problem i don't drink enough .. everyone i knew was drinking it .. i still had some money for food .. at least it wasn't crack .. i must be alright as i don't drink alcohol on its own'' .. kinds of thoughts . I definitely had those . I think they hung about for while too . But you know what .. i think i knew deep down , even then , that i was heading into destruction . Well , i didn't 'know it' .. i think it was more an uneasy sense of something . In hindsight , and i am sure i have said this before , it seems to be just before you ask yourself if you have a problem that the problem really begins . The problem of addiction .

Denial .. i don't know if that's the right word really for later on in my drinking career .. i certainly wasn't trying to see anything but the truth (unless i am kidding myself on that one too) .. and tried for a long time to work out just what an alcoholic was supposed to be and whether i fit or not . I think that kept me confused enough for a few more years of drinking until i decided that it just wasn't helping me to think about things from that angle . I was battling with ''controlled drinking'' too . I suppose i was attempting to ''chip but with alcohol'' .. This happened so many times , i really cannot remember how many . Every single time it ended up the same . Back to drinking every day . Waking up , drinking , passing out . Sometimes getting something essential done in the process , though often not . Occasionally getting into a lot of trouble . Even then , because of the times i had managed to drink less , i still wasn't sure if i had a problem !

Twice i was referred for alcohol counselling . Two lots of three month sessions . These happened at approximately three years ago and again at around just over a year ago . Both times it failed . It failed in that i would clam up and not talk about anything too personal or painful i guess . I'd leave a session feeling like a failure .. i mean all i had to do was talk .. but i couldn't . I just couldn't make myself do it however much i figured it might help . I don't regret trying the counselling . Even though i felt like a failure at the time i wonder if i had had a different counsellor , maybe one more skilled at making me cry , whether the dam gates would have fallen open and who knows ..

I also tried AA . Alcoholics Anonymous . I began to try with their approach , but asking ''how do you know its not the power of belief as opposed to a higher power that's really helping you'' didn't get me anywhere , apart from being told i needed a more ''open mind'' . I found this an insane slightly scary response because it wasn't what i had asked .. , and although i continued for a short while , AA just did not sit right . In my heart it felt all wrong .

I have also tried various ''promises'' to people that i would not drink and failed there too . Promising was maybe one of my worst ideas . Not only did i have to drink more (because i was then feeling guilty) but i was also considering keeping it secret .. mind you those thoughts didn't last long . I think in the whole time of this drinking i've hidden one or two bottles , and that wasn't after or connected to a promise . I guess one thing i am comfortable with is that i am quite possibly a pretty honest mess .

As i write this now , it still annoys me that i couldn't do it . The ''chipping'' thing . I couldn't be like so many people who go out , have a good time , then return to sobriety with no problem . I don't like feeling weak . I guess maybe this annoyance is also due to a combination of feeling like a failure for loosing control with alcohol and a feeling of fighting myself (the urge to drink) . Acceptance of these feelings seems the only way forward .. maybe that will provide a calm where i can really work out what's going on with my thinking here . Actually , i've just had a thought ... how can you possibly be a failure by losing control in addiction when that's what addiction is ..?

Hmmm , i'll stop now before my brain explodes , its been a tough day .

I do think i know this though .. Change is inevitable . Although to me this seems tougher than quitting a crack addiction , and i pray i don't go insane in the process , change will come .. if i let it .

Goodnight .

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Wednesday 14th of November around 5 pm .

OK , i decided i had to channel my agitation somewhere or eat . I forgot about how low blood sugar levels can affect ones mood too . I ate , but despite still feeling somewhat agitated and having this bloody irritating feeling of wanting to get out of my own skin , i'm starting to realise just how much of a depressant alcohol actually is . I think because its such a gradual process i just didn't correlate the two . Hangovers wore off after a while , i somehow thought that was a good thing , and the real deep dangerous states of depression rose like a tsunami in slow motion .

I would like to stress that even if you think you are somehow immune to the depressant effects of chronic alcohol use , for whatever reason , you are very probably wrong . The feeling i am starting to get is making me think that maybe whatever short term gains i thought i was getting , alcohol took away far more . Things like confidence , self belief and peace , amongst other things . There is no way on earth i would have realised this while drinking and even though i feel as though i cannot think straight .. and even though i feel like shit , tense and wound up .. do i feel terribly low ..? no i don't . I have at times been too close to the edge with no margin for any real life stressors , or at best a very narrow one . I believe chronic alcohol use played a part in eroding that .

Life is not a bed of roses .. well , after 43 years of the life i've had i would have to be a total cabbage to get that one wrong . Life is full of sadness , grief and injustice . I don't think i am foolish enough to think that's ever going to change . My response to it may though .

Oh my god , the mother is here . E.C.T minus an anaesthetic time . <------- that wasn't a reaction by the way , it was a shocking discovery

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Wednesday 14th of November around 7 pm .

Well , the mother and i managed to spend about an hour in the same room . We rarely spend time together . I can only do what i am able to for her and the situation is a minefield . She is unaware of what i am going through , then again she is unaware of less and less these days . This journal is not going to include detailed personal information regarding other people in my life , so i think its best to leave it at that .

In some respects i sense that things are going too fast . I need to take a breath . This is not a race , there is no end . I think i am going to focus on more of the physical aspects for a bit .. things like sleep , going for a walk and managing blood sugar .

By the way , the headaches seem to have gone now .

Goodnight .

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Sunday 18th November around 8.30 pm .

Well , its been a few days since i last felt like writing anything down , or really felt capable of it to be honest . I didn't expect anxiety levels to be this high .. i don't know why exactly but maybe its something to do with the fact that i never really considered my problem a massive one . I think i may have slightly underestimated things or else i am a complete wimp and i'm not prepared to accept the latter . The anxiety has been at times too much . I have taken nothing for it , although i do have a box of 2 mg Diazepam sitting around somewhere . I did a little reading and found that Antabuse causes Diazepam to be more toxic and that kind of freaked me out a bit (i shall find and post/paste this later when i find it again) . I'm not sure how ''toxic'' was meant to mean exactly , and i figured my worry would counteract its sedating effect anyway , so i decided that anything tranquillizing wasn't going to get near me .. and continued being anxious . I have felt like punching the walls , but that's agitation ,or my inbuilt reserves of anger , or maybe even a frustration that i cannot put my finger on . Insane .

So , physically feeling as though i want to get out of my own skin (especially my left arm .. but that's another issue that has arisen over the years and may be unrelated) , feeling like the world is about to end (ok not right now but maybe soonish) and alternating between agitation and thoughts of ''i can't do this anymore'' have created a kind of state that i am not seeing as ending soon . This is absolutely fucking shit . And its not like i'm just dealing with not drinking . I'm also dealing with the idea that every issue i haven't dealt with in my life is trying to surface . I don't know .. maybe i'll just explode . Ok , that's a bit dramatic but its not at the same time . Not when you consider my life and i don't really want to talk about that right now .

You know , i think i need to somehow channel this aggression/anger problem . I think it might help with my overall anxiety levels . Since my last post on this thread i have been for a couple of walks but didn't manage it everyday . I guess i managed about a third of what i originally set out to do . Earlier on this evening i thought about it and was quite disappointed in myself for failing , but now i have changed my mind . I didn't fail .. i have actually done more than sitting on my ass and that's an improvement . I think its good to recognize improvements and think about them for a while . Anyway , yeah .. the anger problem . It looks like a marshal art may well be on the to do list .

Ok , i just want to chat briefly about the alcohol reduction that i put myself through before the current course of Antabuse .

I'll start with a negative that i think is worth considering . I was told by the Unit to reduce by two units of alcohol every day or four units every two days . I didn't achieve this precisely and took a longer time BUT i got down to five or six units in the end , then stopped . I think It was ok for me to ''go a bit skew from the graph at times'' as long as the overall reduction was happening . The Unit did not advise stopping before five units per day . By the way , they gave me this plastic cup (i've still got it in the cupboard) with unit measurements printed on it and i finally learned what a unit is . Anyway , what i was talking about is this . Consider someone who drinks 24 units per day to someone who drinks 12 . Both reduce by two units at the same time . The result is that the first person has reduced by HALF the amount that the second person has reduced by , and i don't think this is the best way to do things . I haven't worked out an improved idea yet because i think other things come into the equation , like 'getting stuck' at certain amounts and how things can seem to get harder as you progress .

Ffs i have just managed to boil another pan dry and ruined it . That's three now in the last week since my kettle died . I liked those pans too dammit . Oh well , i'm going to have to pick some up from a charity shop this week . In fact its been quite a while since i been out to the charity shops , it might be fun . Is it safe to imagine a fun thing to do yet ..? The universe works in funny ways doesn't it ?

Ok , so what lead me to walking through the doors of the drug and alcohol Unit ? I honestly don't think there was one defining moment . Looking back i can see nothing that was going to stop me drinking . I think it was more a case of a mix of a train of events and the severe depressive action of alcohol over time . I was so low , dangerously low . I think i got to the point where i was throwing up or feeling sick whether i'd had a drink or not . I was emotionally wrecked or high or asleep . I spent all of my time in bed , or in bed and online or i was going to the corner shop for alcohol . Eventually i could not cope with ANYTHING , AT ALL , ANY MORE . As this realization hit me , my mind fixated on one thing .. getting to the Alcohol Detox Unit . Forget about the ''will it work , won't it work'' thoughts , i think i was past that stage , all i knew was ''get there'' .

The lady who saw me is now my keyworker and she is lovely . I think she has been doing the job a long time as she seems to have this vibe that , well , says to me she has been doing the job a long time . I think she cares about people . I didn't feel judged in anyway . We went through tonnes of paper work , she gave me this special cup and outlined the reduction . I left feeling that there was hope . That is the biggest thing my keyworker did for me .. she helped instil hope .

The following weeks/months feel like a bit of dream . There were days i went over my limits and days i didn't . There were days i would beat myself up about it and days i wouldn't . I was often worried that i just couldn't do it . Sometimes i was too exhausted to think . Sometimes i would overheat or sweat .. and put it down to hormones ! Well , i do suffer hormonally , though not as badly as when i was younger .. but still .. in hindsight , it wasn't all hormones . Things happened in real life that were not good timing but when you look at it another way , those very things i thought were bad timings may have turned out to be good timings . I mean i am currently in a position to be able to write this all down now . Maybe this account will help a reader at some point . I hope so .

I remember feeling sick a lot during the reduction . I remember having to wait forty eight hours after my last drink until i could take Antabuse (my doctor at the Unit waits more than twelve hours). It seemed like forever . Then the headaches started and i thought ''oh no .. this is typical'' but they eventually faded away , and were definitely gone by a week . Now i don't feel any side effects whatsoever which is pretty dam good !

I'm still waiting for my referral to the twice weekly relapse prevention and thinking group . That should be interesting as Antabuse is not a ''forever drug'' , it can be heavy on the liver (and in a small minority of cases actually cause liver damage) . In fact i think i've got a liver function test tomorrow when i see my keyworker . I hope she can see what she is doing this time , seriously lol .

Goodnight .

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Thursday 22nd November around 12.30 pm .

For the last few days , possibly from monday gone , i have started to feel a reduction from symptoms of anxiety .. slightly .. i think . I am very very grateful for this . I understand that life isn't a straight linear type journey , but overall i feel slightly better than before . I think it was tuesday i wondered whether i was imagining it or not , so decided to wait a few more days to see . I don't think i am imagining it . This is good .

Today i went to one of my relapse prevention groups which turned out to be a curious mixture of a synergy of people in recovery and their approaches . Because of confidentiality , details of others are not available , but i can say that i found it a refreshing mix , not dominated by any one particular approach .

There were obviously the different personalities and ways of interacting that comes with any group . I found this fascinating . Watching peoples body language , the dynamics , listening to the ways they would talk and the words they would use . Seeing how others listened . Sensing the ebb and flow of emotion and connection within the group , sensing the distracted and also sensing a battle unique to each individual but at the same time its overall inverse . Tao came into my mind . I cannot explain . Bringing my mind back to focussed , i was aware i was fighting with my own nerves until i finally began to take my first steps in learning how to express myself to quite a large number of people .. while sober and face to face . The result was a feeling of calm surprise .

A learning experience .

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Thursday 22nd November around 6 pm .

Ok , i just had to nip out to the chemist and do a couple of things in town .

Lots of tired looking people walking around the Mall , drudging past stalls of wooden carved animals , calenders and hats . The carved animals looked mass produced and i didn't like the hedgehog one . I mean , why would anybody want a spiky mass produced retarded looking hedgehog ..? The calenders were the typical christmas selection ones .. and i wasn't featured on any of them . I liked the hat stall mind you .. saw some really pretty vintage style knitted hats with a knitted rose on the temple . I think i am going to have to take a proper look tomorrow and see if they suit me . I'm feeling ''dusky pink'' at the moment . Crochet .. what's happened to that ..? Now that would make a beautiful shawl in chunky size stitches wouldn't it ..? I wonder if ''how to crochet'' is online .. i'll take a look later and figure out my latest enterprise . That reminds me actually , i did once have this idea of employing hundreds of granny's to knit , but crochet would look prettier . I figured they could do it sitting down all day . If your reading this Sir Alan Sugar we should definitely do lunch .

So , i guess getting my own life in order first might be a good plan of action .

Its been just over two weeks since my last drink . This process is not something i want to experience again .

Also , i got to thinking today as a result of a fleeting moment of feeling slightly freer . It was a lovely feeling while i was listening to a song (i haven't really felt like listening to much music lately) . The thought was that this feeling would not have been available to me if i hadn't stopped drinking . It was a light feeling . An effortless strength but not an excited feeling . I imagine a bird having this feeling physically as it hovers on a thermal over a spot . Again , i don't think i can really describe it very well . Anyway , the point i am trying to make is that i was able to feel something that was off limits before . This may seem obvious to some , but who i am trying to reach are the constantly intoxicated ones , and to give those of you a shred of something to hang on too .

The best bit of today was earlier . On the way back from my group session , i caught myself smiling . After all the winging and whining i've done , the tantrums , the wanting to fight walls .. i somehow broke into a smile . I felt it move my face muscles and i checked my reflection in the office windows as i walked past to make sure (seriously .. i wasn't being vain this time) . For that moment i was happy . Not high , excitable or euphoric .. but happy . Wow .

What a day .

Goodnight .

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Friday 23rd November 5 pm .

I've been tired pretty much all day . Its friday night and i cannot stand this fucking shit sober boring crap right now . I'll probably edit all the swearing out of this post later , but right now i need to get fucking smashed . This is a rant in case you hadn't noticed . Everyone is probably going out tonight , having a laugh , getting all stupid and shit , and what am i doing .. sitting here listening to some stupid fuck up tribute AC/DC band on Spotify cause i can't find any real AC/DC on there , and this computer is melting down if i try to write and play youtube at the same time .. fucking piece of useless shit . On top of that why can't people upload their music at a decent sound level ?? i mean c'mon .. who listens to rock music at a moderate level ??

I was kind of alright today , a little bored and tired , then i found an add for a vocalist and checked out their stuff .. OMG i laughed . I think they need a major refit . Anyway , i was sitting here thinking what they needed and started listening to some music . Then i remembered its friday . Then i started getting really pist off . I mean , i need to let go . I need to more than let go . I need to smash it .

I can't relapse .. i'm on Antabuse and that shit stays in your system till you die ! fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck .

Tried listening to gabba/techno and that just made me feel like finding someone to put my fist through .

Oh shit i'm going to have to channel this somehow , i'm really confused and angry . I mean i want to do something that i don't want to do ! How the fuck does that make any sense whatsoever .

How am i ever going to socialise again ..? I don't mean normal , everyday socialising like ''Morning , how are you .. fine , and you'' stuff . I mean how am i ever going to feel that combination of no inhibitions , relaxation , high energy , connection and deep appreciation of music ..all at the same time ..? I have a sneaky feeling i may have reprogrammed my subconscious a long time ago . I have a sneaky feeling that its this feeling that i have been trying to return to all along .

Well .. if it is , i think now would be a good time to really make you understand that you may never be able to completely shut Pandora's Box . You can forget about an experience consciously , eventually , but i do believe that somewhere in those subconscious circuits lie's a memory that may well still motive behaviour . This is a theory and i shall come back to it when i am in a better mood .

On the other hand , i may be thinking like a loon and talking utter nonsense .

I don't know if i am going to post this . I am going for a walk

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Friday 23rd November around 9 pm .

Thank god for Antabuse .

I went for that walk . It was dark and cold and i hate the cold . I remember thinking this stranger walking ahead of me had an awful haircut , then thought ''what am i doing ..? how judgemental am i being .. this is bs .. cut it out'' . I think my anger began to calm at this point too and i eventually reached the supermarket in a bit of a daze .

I hate being angry you know . I really really hate it . I don't cope with it very well . One of my group sessions is apparently going to focus on anger issues . I think that will be a particularly helpful session although i am going to try and come up with some ideas of my own (apart from the usual ones like count to ten etc) . Walking in the freezing cold seemed to help tonight though .

I think my outburst earlier was partly fuelled by being drawn to something that i didn't logically want to do . Also , I felt that i could not do something i was drawn to and 'Brat Mode' ensued . I have never been spoilt . I think 'Brat Mode' is a result of having always had 100% faith in ''where there's a will there's a way'' .

I think what i need to keep in mind is that its not ''getting smashed'' that was ever the problem . The problem was the result turning into an out of control lifestyle . If this makes no sense or i've got it wrong then its because i am tired . Tbh i've had enough of analysing today , besides , all the analysing in the world is not going to get me through this . Well , maybe it will help .. oh i don't know , i'm going to bed .

And again .. thank god for Antabuse tonight .

Goodnight .

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Saturday 24th November around 9 pm .

Well , today was a bit boring but i have managed to continue throughout this ordeal with maintaining blood sugar levels pretty well and sticking to a reasonably healthy diet . I didn't actually change that much about the food i buy , but i did change things in that more recently i have been starting to eat more regularly instead of filling up on empty sugar calories and alcohol .

Here are some of the foods that i like to eat . They are simple to make . If you are going to try something here , i would suggest the breakfast .

I enjoy natural yogurt mixed with blueberries/banana/raspberries , mixed nuts , and a tablespoon or so of this milled flax , sunflower , pumpkin and sesame seed (i buy this already milled). Just mix it all together and eat . Its such a simple breakfast , nutritious and keeps you going for quite a while .

Wholemeal toast with a poached egg , sliced up tomatoes and mushrooms . Simple and quick to make . I think its eggs that have B vitamins . I don't use margarines , i'm just moderate with proper butter . I did once read about some margarines being one step away from plastic .. something to do with trans fats or something and ever since then i haven't really bothered with the stuff .

Boiled then oven roasted potatoes with their skins on , green beans/sprouts/cabbage/broccoli and smoked haddock (my absolute favourite fish) . Haddock doesn't live as long as tuna so i think it probably would be less prone to high mercury levels . This meal does not make me feel bloated afterwards .

Cauliflower cheese and bacon . Simple to make .

Chicken , rice and peas . Simple to make . This meal does not make me feel bloated afterwards either .

Couscous is another easy food to use . It cooks in about 5 mins .. you just pour a hot stock into it and add whatever you think goes with the stock .

Stewing/braising steak cooked in the slow cooker . This is cheap and nice with carrots and potatoes or with sweet potatoes .

Salad , quiche , cottage cheese and tomatoes . No cooking involved at all .

Sea salt and crushed tropical mixed peppercorns . Adds flavour and i love pepper .

I have never been that keen on deserts , but rice pudding , satsumas , fruit or just a milk shake (in a blender put milk , a bit of plain yogurt and fruit) are nice .

Ok , i'll stop there , but can you see how eating in a fairly balanced way doesn't have to be difficult ..? The only difficulty really is early on if you feel sick . Try drinking ginger tea for nausea .Take things slowly . I tend to like foods that look like how they grew , or swam you know ..? Also , you don't have to be too fussy .. i mean the odd cream cake is unlikely going to kill you .

Well , overall today has felt better than yesturday . I'm so glad i didn't mess things up . The thought of drinking REALLY fast crossed my mind (thinking that i'd be drunk before the Antabuse kicked in) , but apart from not wanting to end up dreadfully ill , there was also that part of me that , i don't know , felt the illusion of being drawn to something as apposed to really wanting it .. ? I don't know , i think there were a lot of mixed up thoughts and feelings that i wasn't ready for . I'm just relieved i didn't do anything stupid for once .
I hope i get enough time with Antabuse to learn how to deal with cravings , or learn to accept them and life in general you know ..? I have a feeling i shall . I mean , its tough sometimes for me NOT to analyse , and i haven't completely pickled myself , well , no i haven't or i wouldn't be capable of writing this , so gradually over time i shall experience things and learn new ways of thinking and behaving . Maybe this journal will help you decide when to experience recovery too .

Goodnight .

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Sunday 25th November around 7 pm .

I wasn't going to bother writing today . What's the point . All its going to be is depressing . Just been down all bloody day . I don't see a 'best option' right now . I mean all options seem like crap . If i go back to drinking after giving the Antabuse a week or two to wear off , then it will be back to constant drinking in no time , i know that . All the problems , the negatives and the dangerously low times will all return . If i continue along this road will it get any better ..? or will a certain amount of anxiety , low energy and sadness always remain ..? They were there before the drinking , why should they be any different afterwards ..? Do i really want to continue with any of it ..?

This is too hard ! I can't do it . I don't even know what i am trying to do .. i mean , where is it that i am trying to get to exactly ..? I secretly wish i had never been born . Sometimes it feels as though i have lived a thousand peoples lives in my one life . All of them were scarred or ruined somehow . I don't want this any more . I'm tired of it you know ..? I'm so worn out .

I can't stop crying . I don't really know what it is i am crying for . Am i feeling sorry for myself .. i'm not sure . If i am .. is this wrong ..? right now i don't think right or wrong really matters somehow , and i don't know why i think this .

Bits and pieces from years ago come to me . Where was my family ..? Where was love ..? Where was anything that was steady or normal or happy ..? My mind has left me with broken memories . I don't know whether to write about these or not . I don't know why i am so unsure either . I guess one of the reasons is that i was not going to go into detail about others in this journal , but in my life i have not lived in total isolation . Also , its not directly about the present day sobriety that i am trying to cope with although these things probably play a massive part in it indirectly .

I'll write a couple of short imaginary letters instead ;

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Dear Father ,

I hope you are well . I know we haven't seen or heard from each other in many years but i still think of you . I'm still sad that you hated me enough to leave me to fate . It still hurts that all you could see in me was my mother .

One of the last times we saw each other , it wasn't your paying for the house deposit that i was so thrilled about , it was that you were spending time with me as we went through the process . Just you and me .

I will not ever consider contesting your Will . I got to hear about your ideas on that years ago . There will be no legal battle . It was never about you money .

Have peace .

..........................................

Dear Mum ,

I hope you are well . I'm sorry you have felt like a freak and a failure for all of your life .

There are many things that we shall never discuss , and i think that's for the best . What's more important is for you to know that i accept everything past without judgement .

When you have calmed yourself and realized that the boundaries i set in my own home are not about me being a ''fascist dictator like my father'' , pop over for a coffee .

I shall not be taking part in your conspiracy theories .. be warned .

Take care now

...........................................

In real life i would want to put a heap more down into those letters , but i don't know if it is appropriate to do that here . I really don't know .

I've stopped crying at least . Emotionally the last few days have been terrible . What have i learned from them ..?

1. Never to assume the sky is not going to come crashing down however sunny it may be .

2. Remember that feelings are transitory . They change . (and thoughts can change accordingly .. stay aware of this)

3. Appreciate the positive moments .

4. Accept when positive moments fade away .

5. Try to stay in the NOW a little bit more (emotional energy conservation) . Tomorrow can take care of tomorrow no ..?

6. Watch out for low blood sugar levels and remember that cigs curb your appetite and will therefore affect this .

7. Remember to relax when possible . Just empty your mind of everything and everyone . Turn the phones off . Its OK to nurture yourself . You need time completely alone .

8. Have faith in the universe (a personal one of mine) but don't expect to not have to do your bit .

8. Remember to watch out for too much boredom , though try not to fear it . It can lead to thinking negatively about everything .

9. Channel anger through physical activity . Get a dog and walk it . Clean the flat . Spar with a willing partner or friend . Run with ankle weights on and a ruck sack on your back . (if your not fit , or you have a medical condition , check with your doctor first)

10. Consider some new hobbies . Social hobbies and solitary hobbies . Learn something just for the sake of it .

11. Try think of an association for that ''i want a drink'' feeling . Maybe make a cup of tea and start running a bath when you realize this feeling coming on . Physically getting up and moving .. i think this may help . You can stand with this feeling and thought by the kettle if you like , its not about avoiding it , its about trying to create a new habit and association . (this is a new one i thought of today . I haven't actually tried it yet but figured i'd add it now anyway) .

12. Remember a moment in time when you felt really alive naturally ... remember how good that felt ..? Remember what you were doing ..? Take some time to think about that and appreciate how things can be sometimes . Relive it in your mind . Nice isn't it . Make that image grow larger ... add the details as it grows . Now make it crazy big in your mind . Really massive as your ''alive'' sensation sparkles with it . Make it all crazy times bigger than the original . See it in your mind , feel it in your body , enjoy it . Now , REALLY go for it and explode that ''alive'' energy vision to take up the whole universe !

Well , i am grateful that the weekend is just about over . It was exhausting . I'm coming up to three weeks of no drinking very soon and i think/feel like someone put me on the space shuttle (yes .. taped onto the outside of it) .. ok , i put me on it and er .. didn't completely bargain on some of this experience but , well , i may get to see what earth really looks like .

Goodnight .

.................................................. .................................................. .............................................

Monday 26th November around 5.30 pm .

A very interesting day .

I have made enquiries about possibly adopting a particular dog in the not to distant future . Some suitability and other tests need organizing and carrying out first but if things go well , and i think they may do , this will be another positive new chapter all round . Thank you universe . I always say thank you to the universe even before something has happened and i do this not in the thinking that what i would like to happen is then more likely , as the universe has a funny way of often giving me what i don't want (but might need to learn from) , but just in the way of expressing faith and trust in how the universe is . Yes , i have made inquiries , and depending on certain outcomes i would like to be given the opportunity for this new chapter . At the same time , i have faith that only the universe will know what's for the best . When i refer to the universe , what i am referring to is that which manifests life , and all that is manifested . Life . The no-thing . Everything .The universe . I don't feel that this explanation is totally accurate either , i cannot find a word or description to really explain my sense of the universe . For now , i shall stop trying to explain it and just be grateful that i can sense the indescribable .

Ok , so apart from the above , today i managed to burn another pan dry , this time with food in it . I really am going to have to do a run of the charity shops now ! You would think that being sober i would be more careful but it seems to have worked out in quite the opposite way , hmmm . A kettle might be a good investment too . You know what , i feel like a walk , so i am going to the local supermarket and i'll see if they have any bargains . Back later .

.................................................. .................................................. .............................................

Tuesday 27th November around 8 pm .

Today i have achieved three weeks sober . The Antabuse has helped me (and its also been a part of the frustration i've felt) but i was the one who chose to take it . I was the one who got me to the stage of being in a position to be considered for it and ultimately this is my achievement .

Its actually taken me pretty much all day to work this out ^^^ and at last i feel a calm sense of accomplishment .

How on earth i still have a computer left is a miracle though . There have been times recently that i've felt the urge to smash it to pieces . I don't expect those feelings to have disappeared and never to return , but i do expect to be able to handle them better as time goes on . Unfortunately i think i have to experience them to learn this .

This recovery thing really seems to be about experiencing it . Reading and learning about it is helpful , but what i find is most educating is actually living it for myself .

Considering i like to spend a fair bit of my time thinking , it amazes me that my thinking hasn't always been very constructive . Its been more destructive i fear than even i may realize . Becoming more aware of maybe how 'out' i could be , or how can i put it , becoming more aware of how unaware i have been or can be of my own awareness , is a good first step i think , towards change . And not just in the understanding of that concept on a mental level , but understanding it on an experience level too .

Destructive thinking comes from .... a negative self image ..? I mean if i think i am inherently no good , wouldn't it be logical to think in a way that would produce negative behaviour .. producing negative situations .. compounding the negative self image ..?

How can the mind uphold this negative self image when faced with achievement . It cannot . The mind can only attempt to uphold this negative self image when addressed with achievement , by clouding your awareness with the effects this image has on your ''sense'' of achievement .
Let me put this another way .. you feel like your no good and you have this overall sense of worthlessness . The effect this has on your ''sense'' of achievement is negative . The effect this has on your actual achievement is nothing at all

Goodnight .

.................................................. .................................................. .............................................

Friday 30th November around 10.30 pm .

I have been asleep for most of today . I am still weary . I've been plagued with energy issues for as long as i remember , its not a new thing . Not drinking has helped with this a little but if i have to go out , generally the next day i shall be more tired . I'm almost resigned to this now . Maybe i should make a doctors appointment and have a red blood cell check but i don't feel breathless so i figure i'm not anaemic right now .. or am i just procrastinating about seeing my gp .. i don't know .

I feel sad tonight . I feel a little like crying and i don't know why . I just don't know why i feel this way . I rarely get lonely , i generally like my own company , but right now i miss my brother . I wish he was here . In some ways it feels like its been such a long time since his death , and in other ways it still feels like last night This forever thing seems like a painfully long time to wait unless we are in some way together when i think of him (this is how my daughter thinks) , or after my death we somehow , i don't know , recognize and reunite in some way . What if that really was it though .. what if that really was the last time ..

Goodnight .

.................................................. .................................................. .............................................

Saturday 1st December around 2 pm .

I figured i'd count my tablets and actually see how many i had in the bottle this morning . I did this because i missed taking a few this week (my next script is not due until thursday 6th November) . This happened a couple of times as i could not remember if i had taken them , so decided to wait until the next day just in case . I think it was the following day that the same thing happened again . Somehow i had four tablets too many in the bottle . I now have a calender up on the wall and i cross off the days when i have taken one .. my memory is not good .
What i've realized is that my headaches returned for a few days this last week and this is most likely due to the changes in my brain with taking/not taking the Antabuse . Today i feel i am past them again . They were not quite as painful or as long lasting as when i first started on this medication .

I've also noticed that for the latter part of this week gone , i've been experiencing mild muscle twitching . As Antabuse (Disulfiram) prevents the breakdown of dopamine , this twitching may be an extrapyramidal symptom due to forgetting to take my medication for a few days . I don't know , i am not a scientist , but its annoying and worrying enough for me to ring my doctor on monday if things have not settled down .

I'm feeling slightly anxious today , but if its due to the medication getting back into my system properly again (i felt this but to a greater extent when i started this medication) then i'm sure i will be used to it within a few days and things will settle .

One thing that is not Antabuse related is my gums/teeth problem . It wasn't that long ago i was on antibiotics for an abscess . I will never forget that pain . I have check ups every three months now as i have problems with receding gums too and it was only just under two weeks ago i was at the dentist and now that familiar pain is coming back .. this time at the back of the left upper side . I'm definitely not ignoring it this time .. or attempting any DIY surgery in my bathroom ! For those of you with a fear of the dentist , for whatever reason , my advice is simple , get over it . Never ignore dental pain , ever . Taking pain killers for days in the hope that its ''nothing much'' will not help you one bit if it turns out to be an abscess that's slowly going to lead to poisoning . My last abscess became so painful i was crying , nauseous , begging for pain relief at my doctors surgery .. anything but seeing who i should have been straight down to see in the first place .. my dentist . I was lucky that day and a cancellation became available but i had to walk from my doctors surgery to my dentist . This was around a twenty minute walk of holding my face and having to stop every so often in agony . I really hope this is not going be end up as another course of antibiotics ... i feel as though i am falling apart .

I think i need to get some Echinacea tea

Just looked up drug interactions for Antabuse and Echinacea and found the following ;

1 . http://www.rightdiagnosis.com/sympto...teractions.htm

Drug interactions causing Severe headache:

''The list below is incomplete and various other drugs or substances may cause your symptoms. Always advise your doctor of any medications or treatments you are using, including prescription, over-the-counter, supplements, herbal or alternative treatments''.

Disulfiram and Alcohol interaction
Disulfiram and Bacampicillin interaction
Disulfiram and Cyclosporine interaction
Disulfiram and Echinacea interaction
Disulfiram and Ginseng interaction
Disulfiram and Over-the-counter cough syrups containing alcohol interaction
Disulfiram and Over-the-counter tonics containing alcohol interaction
Disulfiram and Paraldehyde interaction
Disulfiram and Sandimmune interaction
Disulfiram and Spectrobid interaction

2 . http://www.rightdiagnosis.com/sympto...teractions.htm

Drug interactions causing Vomiting


Disulfiram and Alcohol interaction - Repeated vomiting
Disulfiram and Bacampicillin interaction - Repeated vomiting
Disulfiram and Cyclosporine interaction - Repeated vomiting
Disulfiram and Echinacea interaction - Repeated vomiting
Disulfiram and Ginseng interaction - Repeated vomiting
Disulfiram and Over-the-counter cough syrups containing alcohol interaction - Repeated vomiting
Disulfiram and Over-the-counter tonics containing alcohol interaction - Repeated vomiting
Disulfiram and Paraldehyde interaction - Repeated vomiting
Disulfiram and Sandimmune interaction - Repeated vomiting
Disulfiram and Spectrobid interaction - Repeated vomiting

3 . http://www.rightdiagnosis.com/sympto...teractions.htm

Drug interactions causing Weakness

Disulfiram and Alcohol interaction
Disulfiram and Bacampicillin interaction
Disulfiram and Cyclosporine interaction
Disulfiram and Echinacea interaction
Disulfiram and Ginseng interaction
Disulfiram and Over-the-counter cough syrups containing alcohol interaction
Disulfiram and Over-the-counter tonics containing alcohol interaction
Disulfiram and Paraldehyde interaction
Disulfiram and Sandimmune interaction
Disulfiram and Spectrobid interaction

4 . http://www.rightdiagnosis.com/sympto...teractions.htm

Drug interactions causing Chest pain

Disulfiram and Alcohol interaction
Disulfiram and Bacampicillin interaction
Disulfiram and Cyclosporine interaction
Disulfiram and Echinacea interaction
Disulfiram and Ginseng interaction
Disulfiram and Over-the-counter cough syrups containing alcohol interaction
Disulfiram and Over-the-counter tonics containing alcohol interaction
Disulfiram and Paraldehyde interaction
Disulfiram and Sandimmune interaction
Disulfiram and Spectrobid interaction

5 . http://www.rightdiagnosis.com/sympto...teractions.htm

Drug interactions causing Sweating

Disulfiram and Alcohol interaction
Disulfiram and Bacampicillin interaction
Disulfiram and Cyclosporine interaction
Disulfiram and Echinacea interaction
Disulfiram and Ginseng interaction
Disulfiram and Over-the-counter cough syrups containing alcohol interaction
Disulfiram and Over-the-counter tonics containing alcohol interaction
Disulfiram and Paraldehyde interaction
Disulfiram and Sandimmune interaction
Disulfiram and Spectrobid interaction

Thank goodness i checked for something as simple as echinacea . Echinacea is quite a well known immune supporting herbal product (usually drank as a tea) that you can buy any where without a script . I was not told of this interaction .
...............................................

Whilst i am on the subject of interaction i also found this ;

http://www.rxlist.com/antabuse-drug/...teractions.htm

''Disulfiram appears to decrease the rate at which certain drugs are metabolized and therefore may increase the blood levels and the possibility of clinical toxicity of drugs given concomitantly.
DISULFIRAM SHOULD BE USED WITH CAUTION IN THOSE PATIENTS RECEIVING PHENYTOIN AND ITS CONGENERS, SINCE THE CONCOMITANT ADMINISTRATION OF THESE TWO DRUGS CAN LEAD TO PHENYTOIN INTOXICATION. PRIOR TO ADMINISTERING DISULFIRAM TO A PATIENT ON PHENYTOIN THERAPY, A BASELINE PHENYTOIN SERUM LEVEL SHOULD BE OBTAINED. SUBSEQUENT TO INITIATION OF DISULFIRAM THERAPY, SERUM LEVELS OF PHENYTOIN SHOULD BE DETERMINED ON DIFFERENT DAYS FOR EVIDENCE OF AN INCREASE OR FOR A CONTINUING RISE IN LEVELS. INCREASED PHENYTOIN LEVELS SHOULD BE TREATED WITH APPROPRIATE DOSAGE ADJUSTMENT.

It may be necessary to adjust the dosage of oral anticoagulants upon beginning or stopping disulfiram, since disulfiram may prolong prothrombin time.

Patients taking isoniazid when disulfiram is given should be observed for the appearance of unsteady gait or marked changes in mental status, the disulfiram should be discontinued if such signs appear.

In rats, simultaneous ingestion of disulfiram and nitrite in the diet for 78 weeks has been reported to cause tumors, and it has been suggested that disulfiram may react with nitrites in the rat stomach to form a nitrosamine, which is tumorigenic. Disulfiram alone in the rat's diet did not lead to such tumors. The relevance of this finding to humans is not known at this time.

Hepatic toxicity including hepatic failure resulting in transplantation or death have been reported. Severe and sometimes fatal hepatitis associated with disulfiram therapy may develop even after many months of therapy. Hepatic toxicity has occurred in patients with or without prior history of abnormal liver function. Patients should be advised to immediately notify their physician of any early symptoms of hepatitis, such as fatigue, weakness, malaise, anorexia, nausea, vomiting, jaundice, or dark urine.Baseline and follow-up liver function tests (10-14 days) are suggested to detect any hepatic dysfunction that may result with disulfiram therapy. In addition, a complete blood count and serum chemistries, including liver function tests, should be monitored. Patients taking disulfiram tablets should not be exposed to ethylene dibromide or its vapors.''

Well , this tooth/gum pain is getting worse and its saturday night .. what fun . I'm going to have to take some paracetamol and rest .

Goodnight .

.................................................. .................................................. .............................................

Monday 3rd November around 10.30 am .

Well , almost made it to four weeks tomorrow ! wow . This is pretty amazing . I'm fairly tired , then again i'm always fairly tired , but apart from feeling a bit dizzy and drowsy i am smiling . I'm not sure what i am smiling at , it must be a moment of happiness

I have another blood test coming up on friday at T.A.D.S which is cool as i find my Keyworker funny . Lets hope she can find her glasses again .. it helps with taking bloods . The blood tests are to make sure my liver is handling the medication . Talking of which , i have found another medication that works in a very similar way to Antabuse in that it hinders the metabolism of alcohol from acetaldehyde to acetate and produces an adverse reaction upon drinking . It works as a deterrent , with a very similar side effects profile to Antabuse , only it does NOT harm the liver . This drug is called Calcium Carbimide ;

http://www.enotes.com/calcium-carbim...cium-carbimide

There doesn't seem to be as much information available on Calcium Carbimide as there is on Antabuse , but its worth keeping in mind should my blood tests come back with concern . The main problem with Calcium Carbimide seems to be for people suffering with certain thyroid disorders , heart problems and asthma .

Another thing i discovered this morning is that Antabuse can be given as an implant ;

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/10963792

^^^ Here is a link 2010 describing Antabuse Implants abroad . It seems the UK may be erring on the side of caution . It appears that Implants may deter drinking for up to 12 months . I personally don't buy into the level of weight this doctor appears to be placing on the psychological benefit of taking a tablet every day with one's loved one . It was a response , but it was not an answer to patient compliance . The fact remains that besides side effects , patient compliance appears to be the greatest barrier to success using Antabuse , and an Implant takes care of that . If one remains liver damage free from Antabuse tablets for a reasonable length of time , but finds it harder to comply with self administration as recovery progresses , the next logical step to consider is the option of an Implant . I suspect that politics/financial considerations are playing a part here .

.................................................. .................................................. .............................................

Monday 3rd November around 2 pm .

I have found more information on the interactions of Antabuse with other medications as well as a brief history of Antabuse itself , contraindications and other useful information . On returning to Drugs Forum i shall attempt to add to the Drugs Wiki .

You know , being me , attempting to add to Drugs Forum Wiki feels like/is almost like someone attempting to drive a car without understanding the concept of ''forwards'' . There are other factors too that have forever subtracted from my learning capabilities . For example , having an anxiety reaction when faced with not understanding something . I'm pretty sure i know the incident that this came from , in fact i know i know it , lets not fuck around about this . If i met my old primary school teacher today , i fear i would not be able to stop my fist from smashing his mouth . Its as simple as that . He humiliated me and convinced me and the rest of the class that his 3 year old daughter was more intelligent than i was . I was stupid and everybody laughed . I was too young to understand why letters would not stay still . There was no safety in my life . I hold a hell of a lot of anger regarding that situation . Its explosive . I think i need to address it in some way as its still affecting me badly . Talking about it now is bad enough . How to address it ..? Something will come to me , it has to .

Fuck , i'm wound up . I need to take time to calm down for a few minutes .

Ok , i'll try to continue now .

On top of that , i seem to have a problem with understanding in certain ways . This one i find very difficult to explain . Let me try to explain by taking ''Press Enter'' as a short example . First there is ''Press'' . This can mean ''press something'' or ''look for something that says Press'' or it can mean one of many things i am not aware of that ''Press'' stands for . Then we have ''Enter'' . ''Enter'' may stand for any number of things that i am not aware of that ''Enter'' may stand for , or it may mean ''put in'' or it may mean ''get in'' etc . Then i have to try and remember these meanings . Then i have to combine these possible meanings (and some of them are in very different dimensions , for example a doing thing and say an abstract idea) to make some kind of sense of the overall meaning and then i have to almost translate that into what a physical act would mean if the meaning is one of implementing an idea . Apart from the possible combination of meanings , the act of translation can seem as though one part of my mind is talking a different language to another part completely . This is the closest i can get to trying to explain this frustrating problem . I am also having to use the same brain , that which doesn't understand its own understanding problem , to express/explain what it is that it doesn't understand . Ok , some of you reading might not have a clue about what it is i am trying to explain , and right now i have almost confused myself , but basically if i really am thick , how could i write this ..? How could i think like this ..? Its frustrating .

On top of this , i have to deal with reading written print that often appears to move or jump about or if i get too tired the focus changes so that the back ground becomes the focus . Its called Irlen Syndrome and is connected to dyslexia .

Here is a link to Irlen Syndrome . Scroll down and check out how writing can look ;

http://irlen.com.sg/irlen.html

Oh , i almost forgot the other problem . Here is a simple example of it as an explanation as i'm getting tired now . I was asked how i arrived at an appointment . I was asked ''How did you get here ?'' .. i replied ''through the door'' . The man smiled and i didn't understand what he was smiling about . Then i retraced what we had said and thought of how he might have meant his question . Then we both smiled . Now this is an example of when i don't think about things . Although its very different to the above explanation of understanding things when i try to think , its still embarrassing but its not stupidity . I don't know what it is .

Now , put all ^^^ these together , and you may realize i face frustration . These things don't add up to being productive . But at the same time i'm not as thick as a brick . Do you see .. ? I hope that somehow , in some areas , i will learn how to overcome obstacles . Anyway , my statement earlier today ''On returning to Drugs Forum i shall attempt to add to the Drugs Wiki'' . shows that in spite of all of these things something is changing .

I'm tired , its still very early days , its all shaky , but i'm smiling again

Goodnight

.................................................. .................................................. .............................................

Friday 7th November 1.30 am .

Please bare with me as i try to post this , and sort out anything that might need downloading or altering .

Thank you .

Anxious and shattered .

Post Quality Evaluations:
great personal experience will be a great help to many
Blown away by this honest eloquent informative journal. Thank you for sharing.
Wow, this is an excellent journal, that hopefully many more will find useful. Keep updating
Wonderful journal - please keep updating
Thankls very much for the insights in your fight. Keep on doing this, your recovery wants you to continue.
This is an excellent, absorbing and very well written journal. Well done. I'm sure that many will find this valuable.
Lovely Job. We are glad to be getting back a person we adore. Bravo!
Simply superb journal
This is so honest x

Last edited by Hey :-); 07-12-2012 at 02:09.
  #2  
Old 09-12-2012, 03:07
TheBigBadWolf TheBigBadWolf is nu online
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Re: Alcohol Abstinence with Antabuse/Disulfiram .

Quote:
I'm tired , its still very early days , its all shaky , but i'm smiling again
To hear this from you gives me back a good deal of belief in the Mind-over-matter theory of recovery. Go on using your head, it's carrying the solution inside of it, if there ever is one.
Your idea to walk through the door of the Unit will show up as one of the most educated choices you ever done.
From my heart I wish only the best outcome of this venture to you.

BBW
  #3  
Old 10-12-2012, 23:20
Hey :-) Hey :-) is offline
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Re: Alcohol Abstinence with Antabuse/Disulfiram .

Thank you for your kindness TBBW , i wish all the best for your journey through this life too .

And a very big thank you to all of you who have taken the time to read .. and for those of you struggling with alcohol use , i hope you find something here , and in the wider circle of this forum that helps you .

More shall follow .

Hey

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  #4  
Old 12-12-2012, 02:52
out_there out_there is offline
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Re: Alcohol Abstinence with Antabuse/Disulfiram .

Just read through your journal and really appreciated it! It really is great to feel like you're not the only one - as in me or whoever it is. I have also struggled a lot with alcohol abuse over the past decade and can relate to many of the thoughts and feelings you described.

My first rehab was in 2005 after a nasty divorce which included my two sons moving interstate with their mother. I stepped up my drinking to 15 plus standard drinks a day at least, probably more. It got so bad I overdosed (you mentioned the tsunami of depression that hits you), well that's where mine led and I was forced into a psyche ward until my 'condition' improved.
I think those few weeks helped but I still couldn't let go of the desire to get that energy driven high and loss of care and inhibition you described that alcohol provides.
I can also understand how you felt going to meetings and seeing drug and alcohol counsellors, but especially your entry on Friday the 23rd. The feeling of absolute frustration and boredom and loneliness and who the fuck do those counsellors think they are that are telling me not to do what makes me feel good!
Anyway I could go on and on and I'm still struggling I guess but things are more under control than they used to be.

Thanks so much again for sharing your journal and it would be nice to hear how you are going over the last couple of weeks.
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Old 13-12-2012, 21:58
Hey :-) Hey :-) is offline
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Re: Alcohol Abstinence with Antabuse/Disulfiram .

Your welcome out_there , and i'm glad things are a little more under control than they used to be for you .

There was a time i feared things would never change , but then i found that they did . I'm not talking about recovery really , although i guess you could call it 'early recovery' , but more about reaching a mental and emotional stage . I wish this for you and i am sure , sooner or later it will come .

.................................................. .................................................. ..............................................

Friday 7th November around 12.30 pm .

I only had around five hours sleep last night before having to dash out to see my Key Worker this morning for blood tests . I've going to have to catch up on some sleep this afternoon , but before i do , i just wanted to say that things are looking positive for rehab in the near future . Also , a possible opportunity has come up for me to engage in CBT in the new year . These two likelies are excellent news and i am very happy about it . They will provide a more intense form of support alongside the Antabuse medication .

I've been applying myself to everything the Unit has made available in terms of supporting therapy and the medication so far . This commitment has been a one day at a time commitment and an exhausting one , but taking things in this way has worked so far for me . I don't think i can rush through this process , it's an experience 'learn' , but i'm slowly coming to terms with this . I think one of the changes that really feels good is noticing occasionally a shift in self image . That seems to be the area where a lot of problems stem from .

The craving for alcohol is still with me , but it comes and goes in bursts . I admit it scares me and really plays havoc with my feelings and thinking . I look forward to the day it doesn't scare me any longer . In the mean time i can only do what i am able , and i am trying to focus on that , and i think i am .

.................................................. .................................................. ..............................................

Saturday 8th November around 10 am .

Wow .. i've just woken up . I must have slept through the rest of friday and friday night too . What a strange feeling it is to fall asleep around lunch time whilst its overcast and raining , to wake up to a sunny late morning light . If i didn't have my mobile telling me its saturday i honestly don't think i would be able to judge what day it is now . My internal clock feels like its been reset in some way . This is actually rather cool , although i'm not sure if this 'coolness' is simply due to not feeling shattered right now , or due to the sun being out which is always kind of lifting , or both . Or neither .

It seems there is only anxiety to deal with for the minute . Only anxiety ..? I hate it , i just wish it would go away , but at least its only one thing to deal with right now . I guess i've just got to go with it .

Talking of things to just go with .. there's Christmas . Its looming and try as i have to ignore it again , push it away , hide under the duvet from it .. its still there and its still approaching . I'm not overly religious and i tend to frown at the idea of materialism .. is that the right word ..? I don't want to make anyone reading this feel upset that they feel the need to own 15 pairs of shoes or what have you , or that they must buy the 'best' for their loved ones this year , i just want to express one of the reasons for my finding Christmas particularly difficult to deal with . Its almost as though i am being a hypocrite for the sake of others , although there is at some point (and i think its around now) a moment when the enjoyment of a tradition of giving and uniting as people (even the ones we have the misfortune of being related to) , gets under my skin and lures me in yet again .

Its also going to be an alcohol free Christmas and New Year for me this year . That definitely needs planning for . Triggers . Over the last few months i have managed to keep alcohol or drunk visitors away from my home . Its something i shall continue with for as long as is sensible . I think its an important start in recovery not to hijack your own attempts by putting the needs of others first .. 'so and so turned up in a mess .. he/she needed somewhere to sober up .. there was this half a bottle he/she left behind .. before i knew it' .. etc . Even though chronic alcohol use is a very self absorbed problem , there is a now a need towards self nurturing . There is a difference . Therefore there is no place for guilt within a sensible recovery strategy .

A recovery strategy extends to include outside of ones own home as well at some point .
This is where there is a need to express personal boundaries whilst integrating with the boundaries and wishes of others . Setting out personal boundaries to another is not the same as explaining all the reasoning behind them . I don't owe anyone my reasoning , although still being at an early part of this process , i notice how i tend towards this .
I believe as achievements are truly being realized within , my self image is gradually shifting and its effecting my thinking and decision making . This decision making includes all things that are acceptable or unacceptable . This takes time , and i am starting to see that things i may not have given a second thought to in the past are now looking like ideas i cannot believe i had !
In situations involving others outside of the home , this shift combined with experience opportunity to apply , may well become a spiralling positive towards automatic interaction on a healthier level .

As to dealing with random spontaneous events , if there is no time to consider things , put recovery first and trust your instincts . I imagine i shall have more to add to this as time goes on but for now , maybe take some time to imagine dealing with possible scenario's .

I seem to have again reverted to analysing every pixel of thought .. no wonder one day at a time seems so dam exhausting .

And as far as Christmas goes .. i might just take a walk into town and see if something catches my eye ......

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Sunday 9th November around 7 pm .

My sleep pattern seems to have got all messed up again . I took my Antabuse last night and just could not sleep . I'm sticking to taking it in the mornings/lunch time again as i'm not sure whether it may have played a part in things last night .

I'm worn out . This has been creeping up on me for a few days now and i'm also a little down too . Hopefully after a good sleep tonight things will seem brighter in the morning . I don't feel hopeful .

I've also noticed a decline in my appetite and motivation to cook recently . This is really going to have to be something i pay more attention to , it effects a lot of things overall .

I feel light headed . I hope this wears off , i can't think what its about . I feel empty and shaky .. this must be low blood sugar even though i've just had a small amount to eat .

As you can probably tell , i am on a downer . The most obvious question seems to be 'What am i doing this for' ..? No , that's not the right question actually . Maybe its because i feel so utterly worn i'm wondering 'why bother' . I'm emotionally , spiritually , mentally and physically drained . All i can do now is lay down and hope for sleep .. i don't even feel as though i have the strength to do that . I think i've reached a point where i may need a little more real life support . I'm not invincible . I felt as though i was going to faint earlier and figured as there's nobody here to catch me , i better be careful not bang my head . How does one faint safely ..?

Gruelling times .

I've got nothing positive to say and i can feel tears coming on . I shall spare you the wailing .

Goodnight .

.................................................. .................................................. ..............................................

Monday 10ther Decemb around 11 am

I spent last night crying like a baby . I don't know what i was crying about , there was nothing 'sad' in my mind . I thought i'd got through the worst of things .. how wrong i was . Reading things like 'quitting is the easy bit' sure is true . I think the universe figured i was due a slam down to reality or something , i don't really know , but last night i was howling almost hysterically and unable to work out why and too exhausted to be able to do anything about it . I honestly felt forced to resign to a metaphorical death that i could make no sense from .. my own mind wasn't working , it felt insane , i felt out of control . I experienced this in what felt like a state of unavoidable surrender .

Surrender goes against something very deep . As much as i have typed the words 'acceptance' here and there , and as much as i think of the meaning of that word , on a level i cannot grasp or totally understand there's something fighting against it . I sense i have not completely learned from last night , and i am seriously dreading this lesson coming back . Why can't i simply work this one out ..? Does it really have to be an 'experience' learn ..? I can't see the wood for the trees .. maybe its because i am dealing with something so abstract and frightening , or just maybe its something i simply cannot bare to show myself .

Fighting is pretty exhausting , i guess even if its on a subconscious level . Maybe that's why for the most part , my life has been plagued by such a lack of energy .

I don't even know what this battle is about . I could consider a million and one things from my past and try pin this down to any number of events (and i am sure in rehab this can of worms isn't going to be left unturned) but somehow this goes deeper than that . Or its a combination . There's something about survival going on here on such a level that makes 'level' not even feel like the right word .

I don't know what to say . I'm frightened of what's to come . Whatever it is , i hope i am in rehab at the time . And i hope there will be an intelligent capable person there . I only say 'intelligent' because my mind seems to be able to 'talk' its way through anything . And i use the word 'capable' because i fear that the train wreck that has been my life , may be more than some of the staff have been used to dealing with . Its hard to judge when i've spent decades avoiding this myself .

I am absolutely terrified of how messy this is going to be .

.................................................. .................................................. ..............................................

Tuesday 11th November around 1.30 pm .

'The desire to get drunk is greater than the gratification of getting drunk'. This is all i can think to myself over and over and over as my desire to jack this whole thing in and get smashed is just so strong today .

I went to my group thing this morning and learned nothing . I also gave nothing for anyone else to learn from . I hardly spoke and when i did it took all of my strength not to burst into tears . I was hoping for one shred of .. oh , i don't know .. just something or for someone to say something that would help me get through this but got nothing .

Crazy thoughts were whirling round and around in my mind . 'I can't do this any more .. all i can think about and imagine is the effect of getting wasted .. i don't want to live for the rest of my life sober .. i don't want to live the rest of my life drunk .. there is no option .. why don't i just quit this medication , wait two weeks , disappear and hit the vodka before shaking hands with the reaper' ..

I left the meeting and found the supermarket . Everything looked uninviting but i was hungry so i grabbed a sandwich and headed for the checkout . There sat the vodka . I know for sure that if i wasn't on Antabuse , i would have bought a bottle , bought a train ticket to nowhere and disappeared . I'm sorry but i've got to be honest here . I would have fucked it all up the wall . All i could feel at the counter was the memory of oblivion and no cares . I left in a daze without the vodka .

I somehow avoided mad shoppers from bumping into me and eating my chicken sandwich i just felt god awful . The sandwich was a disappointment too , no flavour , no salt and no pepper . I had paid for convenience and got , well , what i paid for . Anyway , an idea came back to me . I was feeling so stuck at this point i made a beeline for home . I didn't feel i could consider whether this idea was true , partially true or just plain utter desperate rubbish . All i could do was repeat it over and over , determined that i would not forget it before getting home to quickly type it up . Something had to help .

Now i can think about it .

This is a thought i had a while ago about smoking cigarettes actually , that i had at the end of one of my numerous failed attempts at quitting . I think i can remember the psychological craving at the time being really severe , so severe it seemed to completely take over . From what i can remember , i don't think i could think about anything else .. it was one of those all consuming type nightmare situations . I must have buckled and smoked one , and then thought .. 'was that it !? .. Is this all i get from that amount of craving !? .. I expected to feel great , and all it did was take away the craving' ..
Don't get me wrong , i did appreciate the fact that i was no longer dying for a cig , but there was a short fall . I can only put it down to this ; somehow the intensity of this craving had coloured my expectation to the level of gratification that smoking would provide .

I think this needs more thought and i think i can apply this towards alcohol abstinence .

There are obviously also the feelings of guilt , uselessness , hopelessness and frustration to consider . How much of an effect are these feelings going to have on an experience of relapse . Can i get rid of these feelings enough even ..? At some point they surely must have an effect , and it can only mean a more negative experience . This takes the whole gratification thing down a peg or two again .

I don't know . I've had an emotional and exhausting few days and i'm scrabbling around trying to make some kind of sense to help ease the chaos going on in that part of my brain that doesn't deal with logic . What do i honestly think i am going to achieve by using reason here ..? I'm not even sure my reasoning is logical . Its certainly not clear at any rate , to me any way .. and i'm the one coming up with it .

I need a break from this recovery and i'm not going to get one . And now the angers coming back . Great . Thank you so much universe . Thank you so very fucking much . Why don't you just go play with the asteroid belt .. collide one of your ugly little meteors into a planet you also created . That's a very clever thing to do isn't it universe .

... I'm swearing at the universe on a journal about alcohol abstinence ..??

I think its time to get some fresh air .

.................................................. .................................................. ..............................................

Thursday 13th November around 8.30 pm

Busyish day today . I made it to my group thingy on time which was cool and that was without leaving my flat looking like a war zone (the flat that is) .

I spent a little while in town looking for Christmas gift inspiration and found none .. but i still gave time to it and rather enjoyed it . It was pleasant because i wasn't rushing .. i figured i'd leave that to everyone else . There was this not so great band playing in the high street , but i decided to walk the other way and stopped frowning because i cannot afford botox .

I made a few calls when i got home and got things moving concerning real life events which is a good result .

I've also reduced my amount of Antabuse the last few days to see if the tiredness and lack of appetite improve . I think i am feeling a difference already , and i have an appointment with my doctor at the Unit in a few days to discuss this .

Overall its been one hell of a week (and that's an understatement) in terms of crying , anxiety , exhaustion , cravings and desperation . There were moments i seriously feared i was loosing the plot . I think i came close .. I was even having arguments with God about his idea of landscape gardening (i apologised and deleted those journal entries , they were mental , and even if there isn't a god , i kind of felt sorry for what i had said) . But somehow the universe cut me some slack yesturday and today , and all i can say is thank you universe .

I don't know how i survived this week , but i did , and this feels damn good .

Goodnight .

Post Quality Evaluations:
Another episode of this thought-provoking candid journal. Thank you for sharing this struggle with alcohol addiction. I'm sure it will help many others.

Last edited by Phungushead; 09-05-2013 at 11:37. Reason: Post restoration
  #6  
Old 31-12-2012, 17:19
Hey :-) Hey :-) is offline
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Re: Alcohol Abstinence with Antabuse/Disulfiram .

Sunday 30th December around 11 am.

What a wonderful sunday morning . The sky is clear , the sun is casting reflected light from otherwise grey building windows and the bare tree tops seem to be dancing effortlessly with the seagulls . Despite living in the center of a town , the silence is a welcome break . The mad rush of Christmas seems to be over and once again i sense a mass recuperation .

On the subject of Christmas , how was it for you ..? What were your intentions and were they realized ..? I spent a fair while thinking about the people i could effect and chose to spend the early hours of that morning sending inane disco themed tunes . I was hoping the effect would be a recipient smile , and i'm sure in some cases it was . I was also aware that some people were having a terrible time , and wanted to reach out to those . From personal experience i have found that its often the little things that count , and not to underestimate this .

Unfortunately , my tune link sending mission took hours and i messed up my sleep cycle for the following few days , though i managed to reset things a few days later by making myself stay awake through a twenty four hour period to coincide with waking on a morning . That , combined with a nasty cough and cold felt like quite a challenge . My immune system isn't the best and i'm still coughing up gunk a week later , but we can't have it all can we . Unfortunately , i also managed to infect most of those i was staying with . It wasn't until i was traveling to friends that i noticed i was coughing up something that tasted odd .. and hurtling down the A11 i realized that there was little i could do about it . The irony was that it was my primary intention to make a certain lady's Christmas . I returned home leaving her under a duvet looking rather ill . I do hope she gets better for New Year .

A week before Christmas i quit my Antabuse . At that point i hadn't decided where i was going to spend my time and figured i'd like the option to drink or be otherwise in an alternative state . I wasn't worried that i would return to my medication afterwards , and in hindsight , this surety should have served as a red flag . I mean , how can one be 100% sure of anything that hasn't happened yet ..? Although i was feeling sure of a return to Antabuse , i was also feeling unsure about something i was unsure about . This confusion would not leave me . I knew therefor that something was wrong . My focus had shifted .. maybe because of the strength of this misplaced surety that i'd be alright , and at the expense of clouding what it was that was causing me confusion . I could not for the life of me work out what was wrong , and after a few days of trying my damned hardest to pull apart my motivations and reasoning i relented and sort advice .

Ones recovery is about taking responsibility . This reality may come as a bit of a shock to some , it did me , and still does to a degree although i think i am taking on board what this means and implementing it day by day . In my opinion , it is a vital responsibility to choose very carefully whose advice you seek .

I sought advice , and also shared my situation with a one or two , and realized that anyone who has not lived the process of recovery , or anyone who is not truly in recovery themselves may well end up giving your addicted mental reasoning (which i believe can be at least as intelligent as anything you can also consciously counter it with) yet more justifications to use , or may well effect things by solidifying already held justifications . This will not be done in a deliberate attempt to sabotage your recovery (although quite clearly there will be people who would) it is simply a case that they are living by the same addicted reasoning that you are trying to first of all become aware of , and secondly counteract within your own mind . Responses of this nature will not leave you with a sense of clarity . Responses of this nature will not appease your sense that something doesn't quite sit right .

The advice i did receive however added a perspective i'd lost focus on .. true happiness . I regained my sense of clarity and went back on the Antabuse . I am grateful and i am happy within myself . I made it through Christmas sober .. i think for the first time in many years and i am smiling about that . I can see now that i was one step away from veering totally off course , and had i , would have meant being even less well equipped to deal with some real life bomb shells recently , on top of feeling the result of having fallen into a pit i dug myself !

To conclude :

Stay aware of being unsure/confusion This may seem obvious , but sometimes the obvious is even more difficult to see . Being unsure happens for a reason .. there is something you are heading for that is ultimately not going to make you happy . Your addicted mental reasoning could be shifting your focus to the point of clouding your true goal .. happiness .

Chose wisely whose counsel you seek Take your time to consider who if anyone to share a red flag moment with . Do not rely on this connect , your recovery is your responsibility .

Stay aware of being 100% sure about something in the future You are not there yet and cannot possibly be sure about it . A possible mental trick that may lead you off course .

Self sabotage To me this is the scariest . It comes in many shapes and forms , thoughts and feelings , including formless , and comes from ourselves . Not one of us is exempt however bright we may think we are . Certain choices may result in a fairly swift lapse .. certain choices may not result in a lapse for quite some time .. even more for this reason , there is to consider and be suspicious of the motives driving certain thoughts . Whatever your mind throws up at you in recovery , however convincing and reasonable its arguments seem , remember that it was this same mind , not thinking of your well being that brought you here in the first place .

Life is tough , recovery can be tough at times , why make it tougher ..? Sometimes i think that even with all the analyzing and writing i have done so far , there is still an appropriate time to tell myself to just get on with it ! Now is one of those times . Moderation in analyzing

Until next time .

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Monday 31st December around 1.30 pm

I am really fucking struggling . I'm so angry right now with personal real life stuff and i am trying to contain myself .

I'm sick of this bloody Antabuse , i don't bloody care anymore , i've had it up to here ^ with life .

What a difference a day makes uh ??

If i wasn't on this damn medication i would be hammered right now . Well . And . Truly . Smashed .

Not in a nice way either .. it wouldn't help with my rage , i know that . I'd try not to leave the house .

I went to the corner shop this morning (this was before the anger) and had the most massive craving to drink . It took me by surprise . Where did the trigger come from ..? i just don't know . I mean i was walking past some houses trying to remember what i had to buy . That was it . Maybe i should just go live in the fucking north pole where there are no houses . On second thoughts there's lots of ice up there and i did like ice cubes in my drinks .

I'm hoping by the end of this vent i shall have calmed down , and that you readers can see how hard it is for someone in recovery , even after almost two months , and even after having figured a few things out .

Sorry for the swearing , but 'fudge it' doesn't do it for me .

I'll be calm again soon , the house has survived . Actually i'm a bit calmer already .. i think .. but i'm not sure .

.... No , i'm not calmer . i was wrong .

I'm sick of bloody men (not my friends) , i'm sick of being tired , i'm sick of feeling like shit , i'm sick of worrying , i'm sick of this fucking awful magnolia paint all over my walls , i'm hate the taste of tequila but could do a slammer right now , i hate not being able to bloody read properly , i hate struggling , i hate modern technology , i hate phones with stupidly tiny buttons .. i mean who the fuck has finger tips the size of a cotton bud ?? i hate my stomach , its not flat enough , i hate migraines , i hate this damn cough , i hate creeps , i hate life ! I mean why do i have to be here !!?? i didn't choose it ! like i'd choose to live this sodding life anyway .. actually i can be such a twat , if there was a choice i probably did choose it .

'Hey .. which life would you like to try this time ..?'

'Oh , let me see .. I think i'll plonk for that shitty one over there , why not , looks like more than i can deal with , lets see how long i can laugh for''

I might have finished venting now

No i haven't .

I hate mopeds , they're stupid .

Now i think i'm done . I'm going to make some toast .

.................................................. .................................................

Hey ) added 193 Minutes and 29 Seconds later...

Ok , i have calmed down . This is no way to see the New Year in is it !

Yes , it is true , i do have one or two heavy real life situations to deal with right now , and i knew an outburst was coming , but i think i've managed to deal with it in a relatively contained way , consisting of a few lines of rant . On top of that , you readers have also been given the opportunity to see that i am human .. just like all of you .. with struggles and emotions . I am not the latest guru . I am a forty three year old woman trying to sort through this mess i've made of a life , hoping that i can also effect a few along the way in realizing that this can in fact be done . It is possible .

You know i don't like being angry like that , it scares me . I feel very out of control when it happens . I wish things were different right now , but i guess things won't change overnight . I am sad that i was angry , and i'm not sure why . I guess it may have something to do with feeling as though i have let myself down by loosing control of my emotions . I think this may need examining .

Anyway , now that i am relatively calm i can honestly say thank goodness for Antabuse .. yet again . I think this is twice now i've said this , and to be honest that's not bad going at the two months mark . I really cannot stress enough , how valuable i think this drug is in early recovery .

And as it is New Years Eve , i would like to wish everyone a good 2013 . I shall be sober for this special night .. and more importantly , i shall be sober for 2013 . I am not letting ANY real life situation knock me into the sea . You mark my words .. knocks are a part of life , and sometimes you get knocked so hard you don't think your going to survive it .

But you do .

Have a good 2013 all of you

Post Quality Evaluations:
Very well written. Emotionally intelligent and inspiring.
Some true insights regarding sabotage. Keep it coming!

Last edited by Phungushead; 09-05-2013 at 11:38. Reason: Post restoration
  #7  
Old 01-01-2013, 02:01
out_there out_there is offline
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Re: Alcohol Abstinence with Antabuse/Disulfiram .

Happy new year to you also and thanks for another great post. Congratulations on achieving your goal and not letting life problems stop you! It's amazing how easily our minds can work against us and give us a multitude of reasons why we should do the one thing we are trying so hard not to do! Even when we feel that things are under control it will sneak up on us for no apparent reason like what happened to you walking down the street. This happens to me all the time and without constant mindfulness and self-discipline the mind just wanders out of control.
Sorry you were feeling so bad yesterday but I hope you are managing to keep feeling positive today and that things are steadily improving for you even through the obstacles. And really that's what the life problems are. I often reflect on what I have been through and put myself into the bad places that I have been through in my life to remind myself that things have been worse and that I can overcome my current obstacles like I did in the past.
Anyway I hope you have a great new years day and wishing you all the best.

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Very kind, supportive and well expressed.
  #8  
Old 19-02-2013, 21:32
Hey :-) Hey :-) is offline
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Re: Alcohol Abstinence with Antabuse/Disulfiram .

Thanks out_there . I hope this new year has been good so far for you .

I've been on an emotional roller coaster tbh and it doesn't look like its going to let up any time soon .

I stopped the Antabuse and realized that it had also been acting as an antidepressant . A lot of emotional crap has been surfacing . I'm getting counseling and i am also in an outpatient Structured Day Program .

I stopped the Antabuse as i felt i needed to be faced with the choice of drinking in order to deal with not drinking .

In my heart i have made the right decision .. at some point i needed to take the controls .

Despite feeling emotionally overwhelmed at times i am still not drinking .

Its been almost four months sober now . Its bloody tough but i'm holding on .

Hey

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For your update and for hanging in there. Well done!

Last edited by Phungushead; 09-05-2013 at 11:38. Reason: Post restoration
  #9  
Old 20-02-2013, 20:38
bonny bonny is offline
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Re: Alcohol Abstinence with Antabuse/Disulfiram .

Sending respect i have been inspired by the parts i have dipped in and out of, of your journal. I fully intend to read it in its entirety when my head feeling receptive. Thank you.
  #10  
Old 24-02-2013, 00:51
Hey :-) Hey :-) is offline
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Re: Alcohol Abstinence with Antabuse/Disulfiram .

Thank you bonny , your very welcome .

I think i'd like to just add at this point that Antabuse/Disulfiram has been an excellent deterrent drug . I honestly do not think i would have reached this point in my recovery without it .. and i urge anyone concerned about their alcohol misuse to seriously consider this medication .

It also has such a long half life that impulse drinking is pretty much ruled out of the equation .

I forgot to mention in my last post .. another of the reasons i chose this time to stop taking it was because i am currently in a Structured Day Program .. i didn't want to do it alone after the program had finished .

I'd also like to stress how good an antidepressant it was for me . I'm assuming that was mostly down to the MAOI effects .. i think i've got that right . I will miss this part of the drug .. but self medicating with Antabuse isn't really dealing with things on a deeper level .

So , anyway , after deciding i needed to be faced with the choice of drinking , in order to learn to chose not to , i now don't feel like drinking .. typical !

I have an appointment soon with my keyworker and my doctor at the Unit , so i have not written it all off yet .

I am going for it you know .. this life thing . The ups and the downs .. the lot . On a side note , i am looking into things to do after the Program .. its going to be fun , i'll keep you posted .

Look after yourselves people !
Hey

Post Quality Evaluations:
for continuing updates to your thread.

Last edited by Phungushead; 09-05-2013 at 11:39. Reason: Post restoration
  #11  
Old 06-03-2013, 18:28
Hey :-) Hey :-) is offline
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Re: Alcohol Abstinence with Antabuse/Disulfiram .

Here's a lapse .. well it started about two hours ago .

Had a day of goodbyes .. couldn't handle it i guess . I still take responsibility somehow .. well i dunno . I guess it triggered bs from not accepting my brother isn't coming back .. fucking bs or what but there you go .

I'm an honest mess . I'll be honest with you all .

Right now i don't give a fuck really . I'm sure i will later or tomorrow but fuck all that .. i cant think about that right now .

I figured some of you were waiting for the inevitable .. i don't know why i cared about that really , but to a degree i suppose i did . Well .. you were right .

Tbh i don't know how someone is supposed to live the rest of their life sober . What scares me is that i don't remember alcohol and caffeinated mixers being not as hard hitting . I'm tempted to push the fuck it button adn go all out but i dunno .

Anyway , there you go .

Hey

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You're one tough cookie Hey. Thanks for your very honest and heartfelt post, you're still on the right track though, just keep going xx

Last edited by Phungushead; 09-05-2013 at 11:39. Reason: Post restoration
  #12  
Old 06-03-2013, 19:17
source source is offline
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Re: Alcohol Abstinence with Antabuse/Disulfiram .

Hey Hey! GTFBU girl and treat today as one of those tough crappy days that everyone gets now and again... All you need to do is just carry on as you were, you've been doing so well and come so far, all that hasn't disappeared.

Lapses are what they are, just a lapse. I've had a few since coming off the methadone back in June last year, but a good friend told me that I wasn't starting everything all over again, I was carrying on where I finished off. This definitely made it easier to get back into the swing of things.

I don't know the answer to how we stay clean and sober for the rest of our lives, does anyone?
I haven't even made 6 months yet, but I'm pretty sure the feeling improves and things get easier... hasn't each month so far been getting easier for you? When you hit that 4 month mark did you feel a lot happier than when you hit 2 months?

I wouldn't start to wonder about things like that this early on anyway Hey, just carry on thinking about the positive changes that are going to happen in the not too distant future - all those plans you probably want to put in place, to make a better life for yourself, a fresh start.
Try not to over-complicate yourself, asking all those questions, most of them you don't need answers to just yet!

I know you are a very strong person Hey. I know this because of what you have been through, and you are a fighter - are you really going to let just one crap day bring you down??

You'll remember this one - I sure do. You picked me up from the ground that day, now it's time I did the same for you.

http://open.spotify.com/track/5MTQFzgvl3ALRexseoAfBU

DM me, IM me, VM me if you need to talk

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Solid post, good support
  #13  
Old 06-03-2013, 19:41
Hey :-) Hey :-) is offline
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Re: Alcohol Abstinence with Antabuse/Disulfiram .

Quote:
Originally Posted by source View Post
Hey Hey! GTFBU girl and treat today as one of those tough crappy days
I will .. as soon as i figured out a way not to want to drift off .

Here mogwai ;-) ;

Tom McRae – End Of The World News (Dose Me Up)

Thanks for replying XX

Hey

Ps .. not having a pitty part just yet . Will take myself off of here before that or thereabouts

Pps .. I don't know if this post makes any sense

Last edited by Phungushead; 09-05-2013 at 11:40. Reason: Post restoration
  #14  
Old 07-03-2013, 00:11
Thirst4knowledge Thirst4knowledge is offline
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Re: Alcohol Abstinence with Antabuse/Disulfiram .

Hey, I have read this thread many times. It's amazing - because it has been written by an amazing person. You are a sensitive deep thinker with a self-honesty that could win an award. You observe - both others and yourself- and you analyse. And it's for these reasons that I know you'll make it past this lapse. You will get the fuck back up....and you'll do it with style!

I personally believe that sometimes we have to lapse in order to recognise those feelings for another time. Once we've lapsed we know what happens, what can happen. I believe that a lapse can be a positive part of the process to healing long term. Getting through to the other side again actually can build self confidence - not decrease it. It's all part of getting to know the enemy.

The answer to staying clean and sober for the rest of our lives? Knowing our triggers and knowing how to deflect those triggers into something more positive? That, and Hope. Hoping we don't go there again, reminding ourselves of how we felt and what we did when we were back there. The reasons that we wanted to change. That's the best we can do. 'Never saying never' can be positive too because that saying doesn't actually express self doubt , it heeds us to remember what we tend to forget with the passing of time. Living for the moment ; and if it's a bad painful moment, learning that we can live through it. Knowing we can and will survive.

As Source said, you are a fighter. You may be sensitive and feel deeply but your Warrior shines through your words. You'll take up the sword again and with an additional inner strength that will enhance your progress.

Thinking of you

T4K

Last edited by Thirst4knowledge; 07-03-2013 at 02:19. Reason: typo
  #15  
Old 08-03-2013, 13:29
Hey :-) Hey :-) is offline
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Re: Alcohol Abstinence with Antabuse/Disulfiram .

T4K ,

Thank you . You wrote a very powerful post . I appreciated reading it .

I'm still on my lapse .. i'm thinking i need some kind of a run-up to the next chapter . Either that , or i've really truly fucked up . In my heart i know i'll come back from this .

What i have learned from this lapse is that pubs .. standing in front of isles of vodka are not my triggers . A sense of loss/abandonment is .

I'm shocked at the intensity . I'm wondering if it is just about my brothers death . Its scarey .. but at least i am closer to finding the issues i wasn't entirely aware existed .

I love you all .

Hey x

Ps .. Alfa .. Alfa ! .. can i come back to the chat now ..? I PROMISE i'll be good . Seriously i've learned Please don't make me do another poll , they never go quite right do they lolol .. and i wont post Bryan Adam songs .

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Flaming. Do not post when drunk.

Last edited by Phungushead; 09-05-2013 at 11:41. Reason: Post restoration
  #16  
Old 08-03-2013, 13:39
Thirst4knowledge Thirst4knowledge is offline
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Re: Alcohol Abstinence with Antabuse/Disulfiram .

Hey, your heart is right - you will come back from this. That stuff that you are covering obviously needs to be seen and felt - and cried over. Get it out. Scream, shout and cry til you are dry. Then GTFBU - purged and cleaner.

DM me if you want
T4K
  #17  
Old 08-03-2013, 14:15
Hey :-) Hey :-) is offline
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Re: Alcohol Abstinence with Antabuse/Disulfiram .

Quote:
Originally Posted by Thirst4knowledge View Post
Hey, your heart is right - you will come back from this. That stuff that you are covering obviously needs to be seen and felt - and cried over. Get it out. Scream, shout and cry til you are dry. Then GTFBU - purged and cleaner.

DM me if you want
T4K
Maybe that's the problem .. I can't .

Last edited by Phungushead; 09-05-2013 at 11:42. Reason: Post restoration
  #18  
Old 08-03-2013, 15:05
Thirst4knowledge Thirst4knowledge is offline
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Re: Alcohol Abstinence with Antabuse/Disulfiram .

Then write down all that you are uncovering at the moment - before you can cover it up again. Scribble it all out. You need to discuss this with someone on your team when you sober up a bit. If you have an emergency number, call it. It isn't weak to do so. It's all part of your recovery.

In your mind's eye, see the person that is hurting, at whatever age they were. Give them a hug and tell them that it's okay to hurt. They really don't have to be tough all the time. And they have a right to feel.


T4K
  #19  
Old 08-03-2013, 16:00
agjoey agjoey is offline
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Re: Alcohol Abstinence with Antabuse/Disulfiram .

I agree with t4k, Dont go double trouble be drunk then get back on track tomorrow. It doesnt change the big whole that much as you think.
But please learn from this. It is not very pleasant at all by the looks of it.

Find peace cu later.

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Good advice. Setbacks happen.

Last edited by agjoey; 08-03-2013 at 16:06.
  #20  
Old 08-03-2013, 17:25
Gradient Gradient is offline
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Re: Alcohol Abstinence with Antabuse/Disulfiram .

Hey,

Relapse is a fundamental part of recovery. It's extraordinarily rare for someone in recovery to successfully maintain extended sobriety without relapse. The difference between someone who will achieve their goal and someone who can't is how they respond to this kind of experience. You can use this relapse to learn more about yourself; it can be very instructive - and can help you to become more self-aware. You're a resilient person; don't give up hope.

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Well said!
Supportive , to the point , offering fresh perspective ,good timing of post .
  #21  
Old 08-03-2013, 19:29
Hey :-) Hey :-) is offline
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Re: Alcohol Abstinence with Antabuse/Disulfiram .

Thank you everyone who replied , i really appreciate it .

Grad , your right . Thanks for helping me to get things into perspective again and to see a constructive way forward from this .

As for my previous post , i could edit it if you all wish , but i was actually being nice . If Joe reads it he will see it that way , trust me , and i wanted him to come back you know ..? I wanted him to respond .

Ok , well as soon as this damn headache and nausea subside i think its time to gtfbu . Thanks again everyone , your all stars .

Hey .

Last edited by Phungushead; 09-05-2013 at 11:42. Reason: Post restoration
  #22  
Old 11-03-2013, 19:58
Hey :-) Hey :-) is offline
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Re: Alcohol Abstinence with Antabuse/Disulfiram .

I'll be honest .. i'm not sure if i've lost my way . Unless this is some kind of determinism .

I don't really know what to say .. i'm not sober . Sorry for letting you all down . I'm sorry for somehow not realizing my potential . The room is starting to spin . I swore i wouldn't let it get this far .. at the same time i questioned why i had to do this

Hey .

Last edited by Phungushead; 09-05-2013 at 11:43. Reason: Post restoration
  #23  
Old 11-03-2013, 21:00
PharmaBear PharmaBear is offline
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Re: Alcohol Abstinence with Antabuse/Disulfiram .

Hello Hey,

I've been reading your posts, and first I would like to say that what you are trying to do is absolutely tremendous. I've never been much of a drinker - opioids (specifically, pain meds) were always my problem pharmaceutical. They were bad enough trying to come off of, but from what I understand dealing with an ethanol addiction is easily just as bad if not far worse. At least opioid withdrawal doesn't have the potential to kill you, and although it is an exercise in anxiety and exquisite suffering it can't hold a candle to the hell that detoxing off of alcohol must be.

The addiction that has given me the worst problem by far is smoking, and I believe that the availability of tobacco plays a large role in that - the situation for alcohol must be very similar. A relapse is only as far away as the closest liquor store or gas station and that must be incredibly difficult to deal with. The one good thing about alcoholism (if there can be said to be anything good about it) is that it is a very common problem, and there is a lot of help and support out there for it. However, like conquering any addiction the strength and desire to win must come from within you, but like any other addiction it CAN be overcome if you want it badly enough. It is going to be anything but easy, but if I can make the decision to embrace the physical pain of my existence and take my soul back from the pharmacy then you can certainly do this.

I am well aware of the logic of using disulfiram as an adjunct to breaking the bonds of alcoholism, although I am not sure that it really is the best approach. I tried to do things to stop myself from using pain meds, including taking other drugs that had the potential to cause life-threatening interactions with opioids in an attempt to force myself to not take them. In the end I still took the drugs anyway, and all I succeeded in doing was getting very lucky while playing pharmacological russian roulette. Eventually I had to buckle down, turn to my partner, family, and friends to help, and go at it cold turkey with no props or crutches to help me succeed.

For what it is worth I will definitely keep you in my prayers, and please know that this entire forum is here for you when you feel like you need help and support. Don't beat yourself up if you relapse - just pick yourself back up and try again and again until you finally succeed. Your life is most definitely worth it. Take care, stay strong, and keep on fighting the good fight.
  #24  
Old 11-03-2013, 21:47
una_cavaletta una_cavaletta is offline
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Re: Alcohol Abstinence with Antabuse/Disulfiram .

I do wish you all the best, and hope you continue your journal here, and that it helps. I really appreciate the efforts you made to share this with us.

I went into recovery, was dry for 9 months and then relapsed, for a miserable year and half. With the help and support from counselling and Drugs-Forum, I'll be sober for 10 months in a few weeks time. You can do it too.

If you ever want to PM me please feel free. It may sound trite but taking things one day at a time has helped me keep on keeping on. I hope you can do the same.
  #25  
Old 11-03-2013, 23:42
Baba Blacksheep Baba Blacksheep is offline
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Re: Alcohol Abstinence with Antabuse/Disulfiram .

Hey ),
I have been reading a good bit of your journal and appreciate how damn difficult it is to keep on the right track. With determination and the main thing patience with yourself you should crack-it.

I too have an on and off thing with alcohol; and if it's not that it can often be something else.
However if it's any help I am having a battle too and having successfully not had a drink for two years last June thought I could drink rationally again, you know socially and not going over the top. Alas it hasn't worked so have decided to knock it on the head again, can't say it will be forever but it probably will be.

It's such a pain really because it makes a great escapism but it really takes it out of you in every respect in the form of looks, weight, reasoning, energy, mental state, responsibility, physical endurance and money.
Disulfiram is a heavy edge to use too.
I generally since getting into a drink again have kept well away from the spirits and stuck to wine and beer but even so I can put 4 bottles of wine back with ease each evening.
It so rotten waking up each morning feeling dreadful and in that trapped routine of thinking today I won't have a drink then next thing (late afternoon in my case) browsing the shelves of wine thinking well I'm going to have to by at least three bottles but I will need that extra one to hit the mark.
Personally I am fed-up with that routine and know it well enough to know that enough is enough.

If one could re-wire the brain one would. I remember the first few evenings after the 2 years abstinence and having this feeling of victory; this is beaten I can drink normally again but that doesn't last long if it's in your make-up to seek somekind of oblivion whatever it is.
What I am trying to say to you is that we try and fail with things all the time and you are trying hard. I am only into my third day since an all nighter last Saturday. But mind made-up I can't stay on this well trodden road.
PM if you like and we can try to keep each other going through what is not an easy change in personality and lifestyle. Keep it up )

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